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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've never forgiven you for becoming fat

186 replies

24hourM0MMY · 09/09/2014 01:30

My husband spoke these words to me last night. We've been talking about having a second child and told me he wants me to get in shape because he doesn't fancy me. I'm heartbroken. Btw, I'm 5'-4" and 9.5 stone, but he's got my 7 stone body from 10 years ago in his head. I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Hissy · 09/09/2014 14:53

the word 'gross' did leave his lips at one point, and so did 'pity fcuk

Oh sweety, if I were you for those 2 words alone, i would NEVER, EVER, EVER shag that prick again. and ANY time he so much as looked at me, I would throw these words RIGHT back at him.

No H, I won't be opening an ENVELOPE for you, let alone my legs. You told me you find me 'gross' and aren't interested in a 'pity fuck'. PLENTY of other men wouldn't think that of me and the next man I make love to will enjoy every single second, minute, hour, day, while you wank into a tissue you worthless piece of shit

Love, WHEN your son is a man, and IF he ever hears what this man has said about you, his mother, you can be ABSOLUTELY certain that he'll back YOU.

Get out of this relationship as soon as you can, and take this vile bastard to the cleaners while you are at it.

captainmummy · 09/09/2014 14:54

OP - your dp has already checked out. If he is 'grossed out' by you, sees you as a 'pity fuck', and 'fat' ;- well, there is no love there, no respect, no feeling at all.

Get rid, before he does (taking your self-esteem with him) and teach your son that women should be treated with respect.

captainmummy · 09/09/2014 15:01

Iwillorderthefood - pointless post. If you are concerned for your DPs weight, the last thing you should say to him is that you don't find him attractive, and you find him 'gross'. (assuming you love him, that is. If you want rid, that's prob the easiest, quickest way to go about it)

Talk to him about healthy choices and about the research being done. Then support him in what he wants to do about it (if anything).

Twinklestein · 09/09/2014 15:04

'gross' did leave his lips at one point, and so did 'pity fcuk'

Seriously?

I hope you told him to get the fuck off this planet and never come back.

Twinklestein · 09/09/2014 15:05

I am so disgusted by him, repelled, what a revolting little man.

You poor thing OP.

Hissy · 09/09/2014 15:07

I'm livid too TWinkle, as you can probably tell! :)

Vivacia · 09/09/2014 15:07

I would struggle to be civil with anyone who spoke to me like that. He's neither partner nor father material.

Vitalstatistix · 09/09/2014 15:12

Let's hope you never get old, eh? Or become ill. Or have an accident. Or become disabled. Cos, you know, someone who loves you must have totally conditional love for you and if you change in any way due to accident, injury, the passage of time or whatever, it's completely reasonable for them to be abusive to you.

5ft 4 and 9.5 stone is perfectly normal. healthy range for your height is about 7 and a half to 10 and a half. Your bmi is a healthy 22.4

He has no right to be so cruel. He would be wrong to be so cruel if you were 45 stone and the fire brigade had to pop a window to get you out of the house! If you are concerned for the health of someone you love, then you can put it very sensitively, but at your height and weight, there is no justifiable cause for concern.

about you that is. There's plenty of cause for concern about HIM.

MissWimpyDimple · 09/09/2014 15:19

I have a friend who has been with someone like this for 9 years.
He will never ever change. Friends DP uses phrases like "I can't accept over a size 12" and how she makes him sick when she lays next to him. He also commented on her teeth and how they looked disgusting.
She is 100% controlled by him and has just got back with him yet again.
Leave now while you can. He will suck the life from you.

Original poster
24hourM0MMY · 09/09/2014 15:24

MissWimpyDimple...i think he already has.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 09/09/2014 15:26

I can only assume that he's attempting to behave so heinously that you dump him & he doesn't have the guilt of ending the relationship himself.

dinkystinky · 09/09/2014 15:43

He is an arse. You are a healthy size and weight. You have had a child, of course your body will change. Do NOT have a second child with this man. Do have a good think as to whether you want to stay married to him and what on earth you get out of this marriage.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/09/2014 15:48

PITY FUCK!!!???!!! You know, I try very hard not to take the Lord's name in vain, but Jesus H Christ!!! Just the thought of anyone's husband (or wife) saying that literally (yes, literally) is making me sick to my stomach.

I can't find words strong enough to express how much you need to LTB. His words betray such a lack of, of, I don't know what! Kindness of any sort? Respect for you? Basic humanity?

Seriously, it doesn't sound as if he has any regard for women in general, let alone his wife. I don't think he can be fixed. He's just too damn broken.

Ask yourself this; is this the man I want to teach my sons about how to regard a woman? Is this the man I want to teach my daughters how to feel about themselves?

BuggersMuddle · 09/09/2014 16:03

Sorry, but 'gross' and 'pity fcuk'. I genuinely don't think I could get past that.

Has he apologised grovelled on his fucking knees yet?

KEGirlOnFire · 09/09/2014 16:04

OP, I was going to say exactly what Twinklestein says. Despicable as it is, I imagine that is his aim behind it, why else would anyone speak so disgustingly about someone that they're with?

badasahatter · 09/09/2014 16:06

I often read these kind of threads and think that people have gone overboard in their criticism of the man. In this case, however, I'm not sure anyone has gone far enough.

This man is unbelievable and the fact that he's gone from saying that he doesn't find you fanciable to calling you fat and talking about pity fucks takes him off the humanity scale. He's worse than pond scum.

I'm 49 and have been with my partner since we were 25. I know that I'm not as pretty as I was back then. I'm several stones bigger. I've got scars, emotional and physical, and I'm not always the easiest person to live with. But we love each other. And he's older, less fit than he was, etc. The biggest positive in our relationship in respect and that's what's lacking here.

It's not easy to leave someone, but the signs aren't great for this relationship lasting. Your partner has said horrible things about you at a time when you were looking to expand your family. Maybe now is the time to kiss the arse end of your relationship goodbye. Get in there first, because this is not a man who is looking to stay with you forever.

I'm sending you good thoughts and best wishes because this must be the most awful thing to go through.

worsethannicotine23 · 09/09/2014 16:27

what a vile man! I feel so sad for you Sad

Beastofburden · 09/09/2014 16:31

Well I would leave him. Even if you get thin again, what kind of life is that?

And do you want your child growing up with those values? Can you imagine two of them at it?

Go now, take him for every dime, have another kid with a nice person.

Wadingthroughsoup · 09/09/2014 16:31

24hourmommy This is so, so sad. He can't love you, or even like you if he is able to say those things to you. What a pitiful excuse for a man.

He has no place to 'forgive' or not forgive the natural appearance of your body (which sounds healthy and lovely, although that is absolutely not the point).

I agree with the poster who said that there are probably lots of other things he's saying and doing that are abusive. Is this just the tip of the iceberg? Or is he genuinely fine and nice in every other aspect? I really doubt it :(

What are you going to do OP? I hope you're ok, though I imagine you must be feeling heartbroken at the moment. Thanks

Wadingthroughsoup · 09/09/2014 16:33

And yes, unless you want your son to grow up believing he gets to judge and control the bodies of his future partners, then I really hope you will get away from this man.

Only1scoop · 09/09/2014 16:34

What a complete and utter scumbag....unacceptable to be subjected to this abuse from anyone let alone your 'dh'.

You must have been together many years for him to remember your weight from ten years ago and his criticism reeks of his inner ugliness and possibly his own insecurities.

A mean 'man' like this I would find a turn off.

I wouldn't be able to resist a few very un counterproductive sentences back but I'm glad you have kept your dignity.

Vile

PacificDogwood · 09/09/2014 16:35

Sorry, I am late to the thread and I can only agree with what everybody else has been saying Sad

Do you think he is trying to get you to break up from him? Sort of forcing you in the position of 'bad guy who broke up the marriage' by being as vile as possible to you to force your hand?

Horrible situation.
I feel for you.

OnlyLovers · 09/09/2014 16:36

He's vile. Vile. 'pity fuck'?

You sound so strong, OP, and I bet you're gorgeous. Find someone who appreciates you.

furcoatbigknickers · 09/09/2014 16:38

Err... Don't have another child with this man

middlings · 09/09/2014 16:39

24hourM0MMY he must think I'm morbidly obese then. I'm the same height as you and a stone heavier after two children in less than two years. That said, I don't think I've been 7 stone since I was about 11! The bottom end of our BMI range is 8st 8lbs!

What a revolting excuse for a bullying human being. You're trying to raise a great man, how are you going to do that around someone who is so revolting?

Do you know, my two year old caught me looking at my semi naked self in the mirror the other day. I was thinking "God, I really do need to lose some weight and tone up". She said "What are you doing Mummy?" and I said "I'm admiring my tummy!" She jumped up on my lap and did the same with hers. Then we admired DD2's (she's 11 months and was fairly nonplussed!). We have to be so careful around these little ones.

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