I've never forgiven you for becoming fat

[24hourM0MMY]

My husband spoke these words to me last night. We've been talking about having a second child and told me he wants me to get in shape because he doesn't fancy me. I'm heartbroken. Btw, I'm 5'-4" and 9.5 stone, but he's got my 7 stone body from 10 years ago in his head. I dont know what to do.

Your faults, whatever they might be, do not include your weight. You know that, don't you?

He is a good dad to our son, son loves him to bits despite his faults

a child is conditioned to love the shittiest of parent. come see Stately Homes thread for the messes created in childhood play out in adult life.

he is abusing you, but tearing you to pieces. for a child to live in a household where a man treats his supposed beloved wife like this, he is teaching your son the most vile of lessons.

he won't change, he won't see a shrink because he thinks he is entitled to treat you like this.

gross and pity fuck would kill anything I felt for anyone. there is no way back from this.

How old are you?

He can be a good father to your son. Separately. (Although I would be extremely careful about the sort of things he tells your son about women). But this man doesn't love you. And, as you say, you deserve to be loved to bits.

If you are concerned for your son, seeing his mother being mistreated and despised by his father is going to seriously harm him. If you divorce his father it doesn't mean that your child will lose his father.

He's a "good dad" that's doing a wonderful job of passing his hate for women onto his son. Fuck him out the door OP, there's no such thing as a magic psychologist that will fix that gobshite.

Pity Fuck, holy christ.

Is he saying he is only willing to have a child with an underweight woman who's chances of conception are materially lowered by her extreme thinness? Or is he only willing to have a child with a woman whose health could be materially damaged by the pregnancy? It is as if he is only willing to have another child if it involves significant physical risk to you. That is seriously, seriously fucked up.

God. He's lovely isn't he? He has never forgiven you for getting 'fat'? What, are you something that belongs to him and you have carelessly made yourself less enjoyable? The hide on you! For one thing,op, you are not fat. Just not. Even if you were, so what? He could try and support you to lose weight rather than sulk as if you broke his wifey toy. I wonder if he is the same specimen of hunkiness that he was when you met. I doubt it very much. I am so sorry that he has said something so mind bogglingly stupid, wrong and damaging. You don't need to be told you deserve better I'm sure, but you do.Haven't said anything other posters haven't but just wanted to add my voice.

Eat the cake too!x

OP - you are excusing him! He's depressed, stressed, difficult to understand? (riiiight, you are the only one who understands him? So, like, he has a right to call you fat? Unattractive? Gross? )

Stop excusing him. Tell him straight, that if you were 7 stone you would probably not even be ovulating, let alone capable of carrying a baby to term. Tell him there is nothing wrong with you, just his perception of you.

He is not 'difficult to understand' - his attitude to women is 'difficult to understand' because he is a misogynist prick.

You'd be better of ditching him and his warped ideas of womens bodies, and finding a bloke who can give you your 'dream' of another baby.

I think he prefers young girls. Only a teenage girl can have a body like that and be healthy. (Apols to skinny women) He can go and find a young girl to have his 'dream' 2nd child (and then mentally abuse her when she puts on a few lb!)

^He is a difficult person to understand. (this is not an excuse for him by the way) and is also in a depressive state right now. Our lives have been full of stresses from many directions. What hurts the most is that when I asked him how he could be willing to crush my dream of a family and a sibling for our son, his response was: "What about my dream for a a second child?"

Basically, telling me i was crushing his dream for a second child by not working to be skinny so he will want to have sex with me.^

Is he difficult to understand? He may like to have you think that, or you may like to tell yourself that to explain his behaviour. I suspect it isn't that difficult, or if it is - the understanding you'd reach if you could understand him would not be a good one. Depression is no explanation for the way he spoke to you. There are many people with severe mental health issues and life stresses who would never even be able to imagine, let alone give voice to, the sentiments he has.

Him saying 'What about my dream for a second child?' is outrageous and just pure bs. I would tell him straight that you don't believe he has one. He has a wife who is perfectly attractive and slim, and at a healthy weight for conception. If he loved you and wanted another child with you, he'd be doing so. You can't spend your life trying to fit ridiculous conditions, they will always be placed outside the realm of what is good or possible, he just wants to wear you down.

You should tell him straight up that he will not be having a second child with you as you wouldn't dream of having a child with a cruel man who can offer you no love or support. I'm sorry OP but you do sound as if you are trying to minimise what he has said a bit, I fear that he has worn you down to the point where you don't realise quite how outrageous he is.

Fine, ok, he needs 'help'. He can get the help without you living in the same house as him. In fact, the only way he may realize what an arse he is could be by the shock of you saying that you need to separate and will only consider reconciling when he has sought help and has adjusted his attitude. But I doubt it.

But consider this; what he said is a bone-deep belief. It is how he feels about women in general, not just you. That a woman is nothing more than her physical appearance. That her 'value' to her husband is how jealous other men are of him when he struts around with her on his arm. Many men don't 'fancy' overweight women, but they can still value them as people. He obviously doesn't. And a man in love with a woman loves her no matter what. He may prefer that she lose some weight for her health (if she truly needs to) but she doesn't disgust him and their love life certainly isn't 'pity fucks'.

This isn't a depressed, stressed person who shouted 'I hate you, you bitch' in a fit of depressive temper or in taking stress out on you. Not that that is OK, but it can be worked through with counseling and therapy. This is a man who truly doesn't view women as equals. Again, is this what you want for your children to learn? If you want to live that way (not that you should!) you are an adult and can make your own decision. But is it right to subject your children to his neanderthal attitude?

It is really hard for someone who has a personality disorder from the cluster of disorders I suspect he has to think that seeing a psychologist might be necessary. This is because he actually does not care at all how he treats you, how you feel, or what effect his words have on you. In other words, as far as he is concerned (as illustrated in his response "What about my dream for a a second child?") it is 100% about him, what he wants, whether he is going to get it, and what you want or need doesn't figure into it at all. From his pov the only person here with a problem is you.

He sees what you have done in gaining weight as an insult to him. When you were slimmer you reflected back to him the image he has in his head of the sort of woman-shape he thinks a man of his importance deserves. Now that you look more commonplace/less supermodel (in his eyes) you no longer serve as an ego boost to him. Instead you remind him that he is an ordinary man, living an ordinary life. This is unforgivable because in his head he is not one bit ordinary. This is what he meant when he used that phrase "I've never forgiven you for becoming fat."

He does not see you as a three dimensional, fully functioning individual separate from him -- you are an extension of his own personality.

Please disabuse yourself of any notion that you are going to play the role of ministering angel to a troubled soul here, or wise facilitator who steers a sad and tortured man in the direction of some magical, effective cure, that he will be grateful for managing to restore his happiness, and that a harmonious life and second child together, picket fence, nuclear family, etc., are in the future if only you try hard enough to make him see...

Your H loves the sound of his own voice. That does not mean you have to listen to it. I should think bringing another baby into this relationship is the last thing you should consider.

Children pick up information like sponges, they soak up parental influences. I would hate to think of your DS growing up seeing and hearing his DF treat you with contempt on a daily basis. If you think this is all out of DS's earshot and he will remain unaware, please think again.

son loves him to bits despite his faults Children often hero worship parents no matter how poorly they are treated. They often love water and sweets but you wouldn't let your son swim in deep water or dangerous tidal waters or eat sweets all day would you.

For your height you sound perfectly healthy, so your husband is obviously talking rubbish about you needing to lose weight, and his remark about deigning to give you a 'pity fuck' was appalling.

I was reading another Relationships thread recently where one poster said that having left her ex it felt like permanently being on holiday. The relief of living normally! I wonder if even now you fully realise the extent to which your husband sabotages your self-esteem.

WOW..... Please do not try to save this 'marriage'. Calling you 'gross' and a pity fuck is cruel and abusive, and I don't care how depressed he is, there is no excuse. My dad was depressed for years but he was never cruel to my mum. He probably depressed her by proxy, but he never ever said anything just to be cruel and to sap her confidence.

The comments he has made are designed to make you feel bad about yourself, so that you will offer yourself up to be used by him, and feel 'grateful'. He is the taker, adn you are the giver.

There is nothing to love about this man.

I left a narcissist btw. I am not just sitting here typing merrily ykwim. I know what a big deal it is, I know how scary change is. But I faced it in the end because you only get one life.

I have depression and would never use it as an excuse to be a bitch. Your DH is well out of order. If my DH told me that the chances of him impregnating me would be very very low! Really, tell him were he can stick his 'advice'.

Narcissist parents, so I do get the blaming and crushing of self esteem.

My DH previously had a long long spell of serious depression about 10 years ago . He had another about two years ago . I had a serious problem when pregnant with DC5 at the same time . We have had some terrible money problems , which mean us selling nearly everything we owned that was worth anything to keep our heads above water . We (but not the kids ) once lived purely on toast for 6 weeks . My father died . His mother had a heart attack in my living room and we ended up doing CPR in front of the kids . Not once , not ONCE has he felt the need to comment on the fact that once upon a time I was a 7 and a half stone woman of 5'9" and now , well let's just say I'm not . Stress can make people lash out in a moment of anger , but what he said was cruel , and calculated to cause the greatest possible pain to the woman he's supposed to love .

And as for a 'pity fuck' ? If he were my DH , he'd end up begging for one of those , and he'd still beg in vain , because I wouldn't be touching him with a bargepole whilst wearing a CSI gloves and a full decontamination suit to protect myself from his poison . Wanker .

OP I was chatting with a male friend today and I told him about what your DH said. He was horrified! Absolutley horrified that anyone could be so a. cruel b. self-obsessed c. fucking vile

There are lovely, caring, kind, loving men out there who would love you you because of who you are (not despite as you said). Who would cherish and want you if you were big, small, or anything in between.

You H only loves one person. And I think you can guess who that is

He can still be a good dad to his son ( although I can't see how being a huge fucking mysogynist fits in with being a good dad) but not stay in a relationship with you.

He is a disgusting wankbadger.

The only contact he would ever get from me again would be via a solicitor.

I'd kill to be your weight. He is an arse.
My DH has never mentioned my weight and I have put on several stones since we met

Oh OP. I am 5 ft 4 and have recently lost nearly 3 stone. I now weigh 10lb 6 and am so proud of myself. I would love to be your weight. For anyone to say that is overweight.... well its pathetic. He is a total tit. Are you allowed to use the c word on Mnet? He is one, totally. My first ever LTB.

Wow.

OP, your dh does not love you, and maybe never has.

FWIW, I am the same height as you, was also 7 stone when I met dh, was over 9 stone after each of our dc and am now about 8.5 stone.

Dh has always, always made me feel that my body is the most wonderful thing in the planet for him.

When I was uncomfortable with the amount of weight I gained during pg (it felt very weird, being used to being so tiny, even though I knew I was a healthy weight), he would hold up our baby to me and say 'Your body made this, how can it be anything other than perfect?'

You deserve better than him.

Oh dear. Well...there's not much good to say about that. I don't think he is saying these things because he's depressed or needs a psychologist.
I think he says them because he's nasty.

He cannot be a good dad to your DS with this level of non-existent respect, fondness (never mind love) and kindness to said child's mother.
One goes with the other.
Stress and depression does not turn people nasty. Really sorry, OP.

If I stayed with a man who said those things, I'd remember them every day for the rest of my life. Leave, and you've got a chance of forgetting all that shit.

So would I tall. Every day.