Decision made

[adorably2014]

I posted here in June. I can't seem to be able to link to my old thread. After a summer of ups and downs I have decided I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. He has no idea and now the children are at school again I have more time to plan.

My fear is that because what is happening is always in private, how can I possibly document all this and be believed in the divorce courts? For example this summer he had bought me two really expensive pieces of jewellery which he presented to me in front of the children as a kind of I love you gift, only for 5 days later to do the stuff that has made me decide to leave. So he will easily seem like the wronged man with a gold digger wife. I am also concerned what to say to the children when a split is initiated. I don't want them to know exactly as it would be too awful for them but then again is it going to be possible to protect from everything? I also worry that if I talk about what has been going on then my H could potentially be in trouble which I don't want, selfishly I just don't want to have to live with it anymore.

For the moment I am focusing on my course and work experience where I asked if there was possible paid employment. My boss said they were very busy and would probably have two projects I could help with in October and be paid for. I hope it materialises. In the meantime I am putting as much money as possible into my own account. My H has not got access to it but knows the account details. Is it OK do you think or should I set sth he knows nothing about. For choosing a solicitor is it best to take a WA solicitor or one of my own? I reckon my H will get someone really good and expensive so I need to make sure I have someone very very good.

I tried to find a counsellor before the school holidays but it wasn't that easy. I also found that talking about all the stuff in a way made me freeze and reflect so much that I couldn't act if that makes sense. I think when things are over I will then hopefully find the space to talk ... So for now I am trying to get on with practical stuff like following advice on getting paperwork together before contacting solicitors. My H has loads of paperwork. I know because I sometimes do his filing. There are share certificates, pension stuff etc... Do I need to copy everything? If so,does it need to be recent or can I take copies now even if I don't start anything in 6 months' time.

Sorry I sound like such a cold calculating b here. I am mostly terrified of putting the children through such an upheaval but then I keep reminding myself our eldest saw something was wrong with me during the holiday and didn't really believe the explanation that 'mummy is tired'.

Anyway apart from my few questions not sure entirely why I am posting, for support I guess and to update on previous thread after this long gap.

I need to practise more of your 'I.don't.care', Across ... definitely...

Wasn't thinking of staying with my parents. I miss real unbearable to most heat and sun, the landscape and everyday little things. I like a dose of it every year but don't normally miss it as such. My mother back on full blaming form managed to slip in a couple of barbed comments in our last 5-min conversation so no way. Shame as my father would probably be ok by himself, but no I can't do it. My aunt has her hands/house full in the summer with her children and grandchildren and staying with her when my parents are at the other end of the village would add fuel to the fire.

I really dread being in the empty house here by myself for whole 10 days, the children being with him. If I had a job it would be ok but I haven't, I'm just going to rattle round, feel depressed and really panicky. There, I could get train to a smallish town and stay in cheap b&b for 2-3 days. Financially has passed the non-extravagance test. It might break the time. Give me something to focus on. Not necessarily talk to anyone. Clear my head. Maybe rest. It's not long, but it's the only thing I could think of that might blot out the pain. Though maybe I'm just trying to escape from myself and it ultimately doesn't make a blinding bit of difference whether I cry behind my sunglasses by the sea or on the sofa in the house.

It does feel selfish not involving the children or visiting relatives who won't be too far. Also things aren't good between h and DC1, it's causing all sorts of problems, and I wonder whether DC will actually stay the whole ten days ...

I think it sounds like a great plan, I'm looking forward to my dose of sun this summer. If you're going to cry you might as well cry somewhere hot.

Have you ever used airbnb? We've had good experiences with it.

Stbxh is Mr Hotel generally, doesn't like anything too personal, so no never used.

The place I was thinking of is the familiar (used to go there as a child), a bit of bustle but not too much, without being too close to home. I don't really feel like somewhere new.

I'd prefer not to cry, I know I have to do it and that it's shorter than it could have been but every time
I think about it I get in a right state.

I know what you mean about climates and their effect on you. I grew up near the sea in a warm climate and we spent most of our summers there. Sunny days at the beach, the sun baking you and swimming in the sea just 'does something' to my soul. Refreshes and restores my equilibrium. Where I live now, I'm still only 2 hours from the coast, but it's usually windy and cool there and the sea is MUCH too cold to swim in. It does me good to see, smell, and hear the ocean but it's not quite the same.

Go! It'll do you more good to feel the sun and smell the old familiar smells than all the counseling & spa treatments in the world.

It wouldn't be selfish at all. Would you have to stay with your mother though?

feel the sun and smell the old familiar smells Across, thanks, you've said more succinctly what I meant. It's a place that doesn't have bad memories attached to it either.

CruCru no I wouldn't. I don't think I can at the moment, she's too bitter about everything.

She's bitter. She really is a piece of work.

I started reading this thread yesterday on and off and have just finished.

I think you are so brave and doing amazingly well and should be so proud of yourself.

Are the children going abroad for the ten days? If they are then I think you should definitely go to your home country for a few days. It will do you the world of good to get away for a few days and relax in a change of scenery.

Go to the sea - it's a great idea. The house will have too many associations with your children. A place that connects with you, before your new family, is exactly what you need. It's a good idea to have a place that you don't associate with anyone whom you love, so that it can always be your salve when times are hard.

If DC1 wants to leave the holiday early and come to you, well, you can probably get to the child as easily from there.
There's something about the sea, that is so eternal, that it calms our worries.

Thanks Jen no they won't be abroad. They will be in the UK but with stbxh and his family. They're going to a long-planned wider family event and staying in the area where it's taking place for a holiday. I have their passports. Is there something I should have thought of but haven't?

Hi adorably, was wondering how you are?

No adorably I was just wondering if they were also off abroad. I hope you are doing well.

Thanks for asking CruCru. I did book some cheap flights. But otherwise it's been the same old, really depressing, stressful and embarrassing actually.

H has got serious post-hearing anger, so I've had weird behaviour and him withholding payments again. He sent me a long note and is using third parties to try to get to me. Builders and one of his old friends. Not good. I thought I was starting to control the panic attacks a bit better but they started getting bad again last week. He's not giving up which is scary really. That's on top of him continuing to do his best to stall financial disclosure and the same crap with contact and the children. Every time he sees them there's been something.

How was the hearing itself?

Hearings are horrible, Twinklestein his anger is due to the holiday. Every time something has gone against what he wanted there's been consequences.
At this stage he still needs to submit information and documents that he hasn't yet. He's already ignored one request. Well he submitted some things but not all, There's now a new date he has to submit these by. His form E has thrown more questions than anything else. The solicitors handle that because to a large extent I just haven't got a clue. Through his work he has knowledge I just don't have. He has assets I didn't really realise he had. On top of his everyday job he does other work and that didn't get paid in the joint account and is unaccounted for. That's just one example. There's stuff abroad as well which complicates things.
I don't know, I just feel close to breaking point at the moment. There's way too much hostility in my life and underneath the surface I'm completely cracking up.

I'm really sorry to hear the pressure you're under. What can we do to help you? What support do you have going on?

Are you still seeing the counsellor that you liked? (Rather than the one you found challenging).

I guess your solicitor has forensic accountants on the case of his assets. It's tricky finding stuff abroad. But - either they find it or they don't and if they don't it's not a disaster. You will be ok either way.

I'm sorry to hear that he's still punishing you for not getting his own way.
Can you block anyone who to tries to communicate with you who's had dealings with him? Builders, friends, sister, all of them. You're not obliged to talk to them.

I think it's just me, Twinkle I don't really know. I can't see what else anyone can do really. I think I'm paying the price of keeping quiet for so long maybe and letting people walk all over me. I find it really hard to deal with my family's attitude. They're an added pressure not a source of comfort.

I have the counselling once a week and a support worker but that's quite loose. I was offered group sessions with women in dv situations and I went to one and I just couldn't do it, it makes me feel worse. I crave normality and peace really not churning out everything again.

I've dealt with the builders and his friend but it all adds up really. It leaves me feeling completely hysterical inside. Each time it chips at me. He'd decided to do (invent) some work that needs doing on the house so I had three different builders knocking at the door on three different days, assuming I knew all about the quote he'd asked them for. I let the first one in, followed him around, saw H's email to him, got info out of him. The other two I said there'd been a mistake and didn't let them in but one of them got really cross as he'd come from quite far.

His friend rang me to proposition me basically. He must have given him my number but go and prove that. Why is he even doing that I have no idea but each time it's a knock, even if yes on paper I've 'dealt' with it. And also I wonder what he might do next and it's not helping.

He is still harassing you, though using more devious methods because of the legal steps you took. Is it worth running all this past your solicitor to see if anything else can be done to stop him?

I agree, it's harassment. Talk to your solicitor ASAP.

Remember you do NOT have to answer the phone or the door. Whoever it is can leave message or a note then you can respond or not at your leisure. I never answer an unknown caller. I let them leave a message. I figure if they don't then it can't be very important.

Remember that very time you deal with one of his antics, you have triumphed. Even if you melt down a bit afterwards you DID deal with it.

You may want to try a different support group. I'm sure there's one out there that has a more positive focus on recovery, not rehashing.

Don't give up. This too shall pass. You will come out the other side. Even if right now you feel isolated, remember that in reality there are many, many other unknown women going through exactly the same things. Try to draw strength from the knowledge that you are not alone, and that you will all make it in the end.

People may be more observant than you think and may have views on what sort of man he is already and how unequal your relationship is ..Once the divorce becomes public you may be surprised at where little voices of support might come from ...be brave your a bright woman , you can do this good luck
And your children will always love you ....

Sorry Across, I didn't make it clear but there was nothing wrong with the support group as such, it's just me who didn't feel I could deal with it. I was lucky to be offered it at all. I was just giving that as an example that I've been offered support in answer to Twinklestein. I know I'm not the only one in a situation like this.

It's the sum of everything that I'm struggling with, not just what's just happened. It's the same old things, I'm just exhausted by them all. Stbxh, parents, and start again. I can't seem to extricate myself, I don't know what they want, it's like they want me to crack. Like if I did it would prove they were right all along that I'm just incapable of doing anything. But I'm just repeating myself really. Maybe I need to do more but I don't really know what and how, really.

It's really hard to please everyone, to figure out what they want from us. Sometimes all we can do is stop trying and that can really go against the grain. Right now, the only people you need to please are yourself and your children. You can't please STBX, you can't please your parents. All that happens is you try, they aren't happy, so you feel bad and try again. That in and of itself is manipulative of them.

Just start trying to focus on yourself. It goes against the grain of what we've been taught as women. We're supposed to be the 'caretakers', but that's always under the assumption that those we care for are caring for us, too. Sometimes we just have to take care of ourselves. There have been people in my life that I've finally just had to say 'I'm done. You need to make yourself happy because my efforts don't seem to be enough'.

I agree with Across. You sat on so much, for so long, and unfortunately have reached a place where it just wasn't possible to keep quiet and put up any longer. That has meant that you are having to deal with/confront loads of problems all at once.

If it was just ending your marriage to a bully, it would be tough, but you're having to deal with not only ongoing bullying, but the fact that you found out he was a liar, who had put your health at risk.

If it was just trying to help your DC adjust to the divorce, it would be tough, but you're having to deal with their inevitable hurt and confusion, and H dicking them about to get to you.

If it was just facing the fact that your mother is abusive and doesn't respect your boundaries or feelings, that would be hard, but she has chosen to make the whole thing harder for you.

On top of that, you're studying, and worrying about starting a new career.

Of course you feel you're not coping, but you really are. You just have such an enormous amount to cope with, that it must feel overwhelming. It will get better, you are getting stronger, even if you don't feel that way, and this will pass.

There are really only three people you have responsibility for, you, and your two DC (while they remain children), the rest of them can go hang.

Take your holiday, recharge your batteries, cry if you want/need to, and focus on that light at the end of the tunnel because it is getting closer.

And god your H is a sleaze bag, getting a friend to try and come on to you, yuk!

Thanks both for your kind words despite me going round in circles still...
Across, you're very wise. You're completely right, I'm the only one making an effort with my parents. I find it completely draining. I get absolutely nothing back, and certainly no support for what's going on and in fact I get nastiness back. I'm at the point that I just don't know what to do anymore with them. I thought minimum contact would help but it hasn't because even that is used by my mother at the moment. Last week she saw something in the background on Skype. Photos of mine for work-related stuff. Kids explained but she corrected them and said something like 'oh but that's not real work though, your mum doesn't work' or words to that effect. I was livid. I hoped she'd come round after a while and actually after the letter I thought she might cotton on to what h was like but she's ignored it in the end. She puts me down all the time at the moment. She can't get over the fact the kids are not visiting and as the holiday approaches she hears all her friends talk about their grandkids and that's all she can think about. It's all about her and keeping up appearances too.

Notabear - You're right too, though the course was like a sane focus and I'm so glad I didn't give up.

H has form for this kind of behaviour, unfortunately. Both over sharing with two friends of his, and not respecting that I wasn't interested in other men. It's one of the things that confused and hurt me the most. When pulled up on it he'd always say he was joking or explained it away but I don't think he was joking, really. He knows how much it upsets me too. He was completely running rings round me with it.

What worries me is the company he keeps, with guys who think that's ok to do this, and just reinforce what he's like. I get much more upset now than at the beginning that the children go to him. He's hugely angry and I think his hatred for me must come through and also I worry how much of his outlook on life, relationships and sex is going to affect the children in the long run. In a way being in the marriage I felt I had more power over that whereas now I feel quite powerless. I just don't like how he uses people for his own ends either, like the builders really. Outrageous really. There's nothing to do in that part of the house. That's why I worry about the children too.

Btw I'm not convinced his friend was serious, I think he may have been trying to fish to see if I said yes and that somehow it would be used by H to discredit me (maybe not successfully but that's a different matter). My solicitor said she wouldn't put it past him as he's tried other things more directly and that flopped.