Decision made

[adorably2014]

I posted here in June. I can't seem to be able to link to my old thread. After a summer of ups and downs I have decided I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. He has no idea and now the children are at school again I have more time to plan.

My fear is that because what is happening is always in private, how can I possibly document all this and be believed in the divorce courts? For example this summer he had bought me two really expensive pieces of jewellery which he presented to me in front of the children as a kind of I love you gift, only for 5 days later to do the stuff that has made me decide to leave. So he will easily seem like the wronged man with a gold digger wife. I am also concerned what to say to the children when a split is initiated. I don't want them to know exactly as it would be too awful for them but then again is it going to be possible to protect from everything? I also worry that if I talk about what has been going on then my H could potentially be in trouble which I don't want, selfishly I just don't want to have to live with it anymore.

For the moment I am focusing on my course and work experience where I asked if there was possible paid employment. My boss said they were very busy and would probably have two projects I could help with in October and be paid for. I hope it materialises. In the meantime I am putting as much money as possible into my own account. My H has not got access to it but knows the account details. Is it OK do you think or should I set sth he knows nothing about. For choosing a solicitor is it best to take a WA solicitor or one of my own? I reckon my H will get someone really good and expensive so I need to make sure I have someone very very good.

I tried to find a counsellor before the school holidays but it wasn't that easy. I also found that talking about all the stuff in a way made me freeze and reflect so much that I couldn't act if that makes sense. I think when things are over I will then hopefully find the space to talk ... So for now I am trying to get on with practical stuff like following advice on getting paperwork together before contacting solicitors. My H has loads of paperwork. I know because I sometimes do his filing. There are share certificates, pension stuff etc... Do I need to copy everything? If so,does it need to be recent or can I take copies now even if I don't start anything in 6 months' time.

Sorry I sound like such a cold calculating b here. I am mostly terrified of putting the children through such an upheaval but then I keep reminding myself our eldest saw something was wrong with me during the holiday and didn't really believe the explanation that 'mummy is tired'.

Anyway apart from my few questions not sure entirely why I am posting, for support I guess and to update on previous thread after this long gap.

Thanks a lot Acrossthepond.

It's not really I'm desperate to read the email. It's just that I find it quite rich that she rings me to ask if it's ok to reply in our language and then refuses to answer my questions or to acknowledge that replying may be a bad idea. In a way, why ring me? I guess I felt I was being taunted over it. If she was always going to reply to it anyway who cares whether it's in English or not. I'm sure h would work it out. Why should I have an input in that when I have none on what might actually be important?

I have no idea what the email contains it certainly sounded very critical. And sorry, I don't understand what you mean by getting someone I trust to read the email, Across - only my parents have it. I worry about what opinion my mother would be prepared to give. I'm not sure if what she writes could be used. I know it sounds paranoid and I also know I've never done anything crazy but I don't trust her not to 'embroider' or lie. She hasn't once shown she thought that maybe h wasn't what he seemed.

My parents prefer the status quo, they can't accept that I won't work at the marriage. My mother thinks I drove h to violence (and if she knew it was sexual I'm pretty sure what she would say would be worse, unfortunately). She finds me infuriating, she's found me so since I hit my teens, she makes no bones about it, and she reckons that's what happened with h. I think my father sometimes feels sorry for me but he's too weak to make a stand and prefers a quiet life. The whole family dynamic is completely fucked up really.

This email and the resulting phone call has stirred things maybe I thought I had managed to put aside. The row was just like in the old days. I feel embarrassed and annoyed with myself for losing my temper. This time though I also don't know what to do. As I said, I don't expect their support and they've volunteered none which I accept. I could also accept that my mother might want to email his mother and not involve me. That would be fine by me if I knew it was a habit they wanted to continue.

The fact she's thinking of responding to the email or even using it feels like betrayal to me. I don't feel like talking to them right now because I'm upset. What's going to happen though is that I will then get calls and emails asking what is wrong, as if they didn't say anything wrong, as if I'm the one who's imagined all this. I will let the children Skype and there will be questions like 'where's your mum?' Before I know it it will be back to normal, except this time I just feel it's gone too far.

I don't think I could go NC with them, but I don't know what to do. It makes me feel worthless, like they're happy to collude. I also don't feel they deserve to be talking to the children if they treat me like this, but maybe I'm being too controlling to think like that and maybe she is right to say it's emotional blackmail to threaten to cut ties, I don't know anymore. I also worry about what they're going to be like with the kids in future. But at this point in time the children would find it strange if I asked them to stop the Skypes and as their lives have already been turned upside down, I don't feel I can do this.

Sorry for going on about this, I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.
I had a pretty good day with the children otherwise - saw lots of little lambs - but this really clouds my life.

I was confused, I assumed your mother was emailing you. The email in question is the one your MiL sent to your mother! Does your MiL speak your language? Does your H? Or could your mother being doing this to make you go see your MiL to translate it? If so, I see your H written all over that! And I find it incredibly cruel that your mother would even mention to you that she was emailing your MiL without telling you what she was going to say! I can guarantee that if I was in this situation my own mother would have forwarded the email from MiL to me immediately and any reply to my MiL would be run by me first.

Adorably, in any relationship we must ask ourselves if it has a positive effect on us or a negative effect on us. That includes a relationship with a parent. I don't think your relationship with your mother adds anything positive to your life, but that is really for you to decide. You say you don't feel you can go no contact with your mother, but perhaps you could control how much you tell her or how much you listen to her. Another thing to talk to a counselor about, I think, when the time is right for you.

If the email was to you, what I had meant was whether or not there was someone you trusted who could read the email before you when it came and let you know whether or not it was really something you needed to read. I did this for BFF when her ex would email her because most of what he wrote was vile abuse. I'd tell her any child related stuff and ignore the rest.

I would talk to your solicitor if you're afraid that mileage is likely to be made from it. It may well be inadmissible under the 'hearsay' rule and there would also be issues of authenticity.

The way I see it, the divorce is between you and your husband. What you say directly to each other is one thing. What he claims your mother said in an email to his mother in a non-native language is irrelevant. And you could always explain that your mother is fully cognisant of the abuse, but her background and mindset leads her to believe that divorce is the ultimate shame. That it's your duty to put up with abuse rather than divorce.

If he tried to use the email to indicate you had tried to prevent him from seeing the children, presumably you have a cache of all your emails discussing contact, so it will be clear that he is the one choosing not to use his full contact time.

So check with your solicitor as you may be worrying about nothing.

You're absolutely right it's an outright betrayal. And you're right she's gone 'too far' this time. Posters are recommended here to go no contact at the drop of a hat, and I don't often agree, but certainly in your position that's what I would do. Your mother not only does not deserve your attention, she is actively damaging you even now, at perhaps the most vulnerable time of your life. I don't see the option of no contact as a 'threat' or 'emotional blackmail', you are simply explaining the consequences of her course of action. Actions have consequences, and it's time she faced up to them like an adult. Your father has always been too weak to stand up to her, but you are not.

Unlike your sister, with you she knows that she can behave however the hell she likes and you will always forgive her. That gives her carte blanche to do her worst. That needs to stop here OP. You do not need, and I would suggest you cannot cope with, more damage, more control, more abuse in your life. No contact does not have to be for ever, but you must protect yourself. If you want to keep Skyping for the sake of continuity for your children that's up to you. But personally I would not want a woman like your mother in my children's lives - her lack of morals, her viciousness, her craziness. There's nothing to say that she won't try to manipulate them too in the long term. I can see a lot of negatives and not many positives.

Echo echo echo Twinklestein. I'm furious on your behalf. NOONE deserves violence. End of. No one. If you were infuriating ( which I'm bloody sure you're not!) then your H should have walked away. Children can be infuriating, and no one in their right mind thinks it's ok to perpetrate violence on a child because they've just asked "why?"for the ninetieth time, and it is not, is never, and was never acceptable for your H to have behaved as he did. Your mother I'm afraid sounds horrible, manipulative and abusive. I am another one that thinks you should go NC, at least for now, to protect yourself. If you feel that you're happy for your DCs to Skype, then perhaps continue that, but be aware, people like your mother (mine is very similar unfortunately) have no qualms whatsoever about sucking children or anyone else in to do their dirty work for them, so you might need to pull that. It's not so much being controlling as protecting them from the treatment you received as a child. Honestly, I am livid for you. Grrrr

Oh I understand now, Across thanks . My post was probably quite rambly. You're right, it's def one for counselling. I'm just not sure what to do right now. In the current circumstances how to 'manage' my mother should be the last thing on my mind.

I say little to her, in fact my relationship with her is meaningless in many ways. There's no warmth or affection or sharing of emotions.There are no positives for me at the moment. I dare not even tell them I'm having panic attacks for example, because she would say something hurtful. We speak for about 10 mins every week or so but even that feels too much right now. I'd like to tell her what an evil cow she is, but that would def not be a good idea. She never coped well with her daughters growing up and becoming adults. My sister never 'rebelled' in the way I did and therefore is regarded as 'good'. She was also very anxious and went through depression which made my mother feel wanted and in control. She can do no wrong now, lucky her.

After a few years of arguments, I started keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself, built a sort of shell and withdrew from her attempts at being nice because I realised the 'not nice' wasn't far behind. I ignored her when she challenged me. Between the arguments and my 'aloofness' I've been seen as difficult and arrogant when in fact I was just protecting myself and inside was feeling pretty miserable.

notabear completely agree. Being infuriating is no excuse for anything. My mother loses her temper very easily and is very controlling not just with me. She shouts, then cries and tells those on the receiving end of the shouting it was their fault. She slapped me across the face a few times too when I was at my most argumentative. I think that must be what she thinks h did and that I've blown it out of proportion. Deep down she is quite insecure and probably a bit jealous. She never praised the good or the pretty. She used to say it makes children big-headed. And you're right. I don't trust at all what she'd say to the children either. She's been clamouring to have them stay by themselves at theirs, but I won't do it.

I moved away as soon as I could and felt much better for it. She seemed to calm down and it did feel like she was nicer until my first was a toddler. Then she slowly started again, on my parenting particularly, but on other things too. So I distanced myself again but I never really addressed how much all this has had an impact on me. I didn't see it as abuse, I saw it as me being a teenager and her not understanding, or just us having such different personalities that we just couldn't get on. Now I've got children I see things completely differently.

This email seems to have made my mother feel 'wanted' and as if she can vent her opinion, both of which she craves. From what I know it's informed her of something she didn't know about (nisi) and gave her a lie (he can't see the children) which she seems to have taken at face value so she might well jump at the opportunity and in the meantime she can rub it in my face.

Going NC is something I've thought about before. I don't particularly want the children to keep talking to her but how on earth can I stop it without sounding like I'm punishing them? At the moment I really don't see how to do that. Lots of strength or resolve required, probably more than I have ...

In January I tried to stop the calls already and had just skypes with the children with a breezy 'hi/bye' from me in the background. Trouble is a/ at the moment I don't feel too breezy, b/ it didn't last long as I started getting calls and messages saying how worried they were, asking what was wrong etc. from them AND my sister resulting in more hassle than my 10-min weekly talks... c/I feel a bit crap about doing it that way because it's like the children are in the front line for something I can't manage myself.

Twinklestein you're right. I worry she might somehow come up with a crazy letter/email that h would try to use. I think he can't do that but I'm not 100% sure. Unless something concrete materialises I doubt the solicitor is really going to be interested. They have lots to do as it is at the moment. I was actually thinking today that if h is behind it it's both pretty desperate and pathetic of him to go that far, but who knows? After the hearing I would hope he starts listening to his legal team but I can't be sure. I'm quite worried about what's going to happen next tbh, as he must be furious about what happened in court.

I feel quite embarrassed really to have so many difficult people to deal with. Like somehow I must have done something wrong. But thank you all so much for talking some sense, once again.

Oh, I'm not so sure that telling her she's an evil cow is such a bad idea. Maybe that would make her go NC with you! But seriously, you've got so much on your plate that I can understand not wanting to start another 'issue' in your life. Maybe it would help to think of it like housework. You don't do it all at once, it's task by task. First you do the dirty laundry (that's your H and the divorce), then you mop the floor (that's dealing with your mother). You don't try to do them both at once because all you'll do is slip and fall and end up with dirty laundry all over a wet floor. So even though you can see that dirty floor whilst you're doing the laundry, you know that as soon as the laundry is done, you'll tackle the floor. If you don't feel like going NC now, just keep remembering that it IS an option, once you've dealt with the more important issue. In the meantime, especially if you think she'd feel 'important' by acting as an 'intermediary' spy, minimize contact as much as possible and keep things impersonal. If she starts asking questions about your marriage, the divorce, whatever, just say it's too upsetting and you can't talk about it.

Frankly, I'm sure that H is behind the email. IIRC, the two mothers aren't normally emailing back and forth. I'm sure he has his mother bamboozled and has convinced her that this is the way to 'make you see sense'. Even if the purpose is to probe your mother for dirt, there is nothing you can do about it, so you may as well just shrug your shoulders and KOKO (keep on keeping on). If you haven't told your mother anything really personal, then there's really nothing she can pass on. If she makes something up or exaggerates something, your legal team can refute it. Your H has already shown himself as untrustworthy to the courts, so anything nasty about you he presents would probably be viewed with suspicion, anyway.

Adorably I think it's really important for you to have someone in RL (besides the counselor) that you can talk to. We're here for you 1000% and we will continue to be, but the people attacking you (h and your mother) are flesh and blood real. I think it would help you to have a flesh and blood real person, too. Sometimes we need a real shoulder to lean on or cry on, or a real hug. Not just us semi-anonymous MNers with our 'unMNetty {{{hugs}}}'. But here's one for you anyway…..{hug}.

I hope you and DCs have a nice Easter tomorrow. Take a walk together and treat yourselves to some cake or chocolate.

Wow, I had no idea your mother was such a piece of work, my previous post really doesn't apply. I completely agree with across, she's a wise one. Hope today's brought some sunshine for you.

Thank you Across hope you have/had a nice Easter too.
I'm really really appreciative of all the support here, I do realise I can't over rely on it. Sorry if it feels that's the case. We're off to the friends very soon for a few days and I'm going to try to get my aunt to come over around one of the court dates too because it's so very stressful.

Re: my mother - would be marvellous if it was enough to call her an evil cow for her to go NC. Doubt it would work. I didn't mince my words as a teen and it certainly fuelled things rather calm them down. She would love it for me to do this again in fact, more drama and ammunition and the opportunity to portray herself as the victim. That's why NC is so difficult - she needs me to carry on so is a bit like a dog with a bone. Can't let go of it.

Closest I've ever been to (not NC but still ...) shutting her up was when I suggested family therapy. At one point she wanted me to see a psychiatrist (family acquaintance I absolutely didn't trust) who she intimated would put me right again. It was obvious she thought they'd agree with her. She was going on and on about it. Not sure why but one day I turned round and told her I'd go if we all went and had family therapy/counselling. I still remember her face and how she found nothing to say. That was the end of the psychiatrist idea too! It made realise she had no interest in genuinely making things better.

I'm going to try to just do the skypes again for now. My father's quite good with young children, and that's why they like doing it. Will have to see how it goes

TheMShip thanks - been a fairly peaceful day so far. Been outside most of it. H supposed to have the children tomorrow. As he has stopped every comm including the one that is allowed, I will assume things are as agreed, and bring the children at the agreed place anyway... Sigh.

Oh, never feel that you've been 'overly relying' on me. Not at all, I love being able to help or offer advice. I just want you to have the human contact we all need. I think it would also help with the panic attacks to know you have someone you can call or go see when you need someone 'real'.

Easter is quiet for me. DH is off with a friend who needs help with his own difficulties. So DS2 and I are having a day of movies and chocolate. No cooking a big dinner today for me, so not complaining!

I've been away for the Easter break. Just came back and checked in to see how you are doing.
Your mother is attempting to exercise her power. She's a matriarch who was happy to see you married to an alpha male. She probably hoped that he would contain your ability to stand and be counted.
She kept you down as a child by not acknowledging your intellect/beauty, so as not to give your spirit a voice.

You are strong and courageous, that's why she fought you as a teenager - you had the capacity to change the status quo.

She is afraid of your strength again, now that you have upset the patriarchal apple cart, by leaving your marriage.

It's the overall, universal idea of marriage and "the natural order" of male dominance that she is pandering to (and her subsequent position as ruler of the home). She knows you and is afraid of your power. She doesn't want you to exercise it, in case her world order collapses.

You are brave, courageous (that means doing it despite feeling fear) and have access to a freedom that your mother does not. Instead of flying, she wants you to stand/fall on the ground and huddle with her.

You and your children are unsupported. You are doing the right thing. The people behind you don't want you to do this because you will be free of them and their ways. Your adult children will be grateful to you for taking this journey.

As to the legalese. Your court case is not taking place in your home country. Even there, I wonder if your mother's opinion would be noted in court. h is fighting a losing battle. He is reduced to getting your mother to shake her fist at you from her kitchen. He cares nothing for her, only her fist. He likes hurting you with this. He didn't realize that when he married the beautiful girl, from the traditional background, that he picked the warrior daughter and not her sister.

Your instincts are good, you realized long ago that you shouldn't trust your mother-in-law.

Thanks tulipbulbs. I hadn't really analysed the situation from that angle. For my mother me being married with kids and a successful h was a massive status symbol (at least in the village gossip), it sort of redeemed me for going abroad, though not enough to stop trying to make me feel guilty for leaving. That's now gone and in a way she thinks she can chide me like in the old days.

Anyway maybe it's wrong of me to ascribe blame to her as no one forced me to marry him. His alpha maleness or at least strong personality was one of the reasons why I was attracted to him too. I find wishy-washy indecisive males really annoying (my dad is one of them). I just didn't realise the ruthlessness that came with it until I was in too deep.

As for 'warrior' I don't really see it, sorry. Maybe in the grand scheme of things but his behaviour was such, I think my options were pretty limited really.

I don't know about my mil. I feel a bit sorry for her actually. I used to really like her, I don't know what to think. I can't see her writing something nasty, really but it might be wishful thinking. But I think that wretched email might be related to children arrangements because of new communication from his legal people about that but I haven't got to the bottom of it yet and have avoided my parents since I last posted. He wants his full weekend from now on and I'm being threatened with court for the holiday arrangements if I don't agree with the mad length of time he's put forward.

They all threaten court when they aren't getting their own way. I think you've got enough legal back up to not be too concerned about that.

I would hope so Jackw but I can sense a shift in interest towards the children and I don't like this at all ... After 4 months how likely it is genuine?

Highly unlikely.

He didn't manage to get you when he came to see you. So now he's punishing you using the children.

He's not taken his full allotment up until now, as I'm sure your lawyer will make clear, and he is entitled to his weekend.

As for the long holidays pfft - he's just doing it to get at you - d'you think he's really going to look after the children for long periods on his own? When has he ever bothered? Is he going to take the time off work? It will come out of his holiday entitlement and then he'll have to forgo his own relaxing holidays...

Agree with twink - he's threatened it; let him take you to court. It's prob best that contact's all court-ruled anyway.

I think he may find that it doesn't just go all his way!

I hold onto the warrior. I mean it as much for standing up to your mother and getting out of your village. And, you had no choice but to take action regarding his wile behaviour because you are strong enough to take action. Loads of people are too afraid or too caught up in an unhealthy dynamic to disentangle themselves.
I think men like him look for likely candidates to put up with their shit. He chose an inexperienced, younger woman because he thought he would get away with more. He's probably still stinging because you aren't as compliant as he hoped.
As to taking you to court. Let him try. The courts are there to protect you from him. Wouldn't the court consider the pattern that has been established for the children and the disruption of their routine by his point scoring? He'll get the weekend, but this will soon bore him and he'll drop out of that again. The extra long holiday isn't going to happen. He knows that you are a concerned mother so he wants to hit you where it hurts. This is an old game. The courts see it all the time.

I agree with the demand for long holiday visits, he's just doing it to get your goat. He does have the resources to leave the children with a nanny and take himself off during the holidays, though, so I would talk to your solicitor to see if there is any way it can be specified that if he intends to absent himself and/or leave the children with a nanny (other than normal work-day childcare) that they be returned to you.

I wouldn't say your mother 'forced' you to marry, but our mothers can have an influence in our choice. Their approving or disapproving of a man can make us think twice. Not that we can really blame them for expressing an opinion, in the end it is our decision.

There's nothing wrong with being attracted to an alpha male, either. My DH, DS1, and my BiL are alphas, and whilst they can be frustrating at times, they are all decent men. Alpha doesn't always equal arsehole, IMO. But I do think they're a bit harder to get to know as far as whether or not the alpha-ness is tempered with consideration and compassion.

It's pretty normal divorce dealings to 'ask for the sun so you'll get the moon'. So as far as the length of time, decide what is reasonable for you & the children and have your solicitor counter-propose it less a few days. Then you reach a compromise. I'm sure that's what his solicitors are doing.

That email is a real bugaboo, isn't it? It's the equivalent of sitting in a room and seeing two people eyeballing you and start whispering. You know they're talking about you but you just don't know what they're saying! Can your solicitor demand a copy of it asking if his solicitors intend to use it as part of the proceedings?

As far as MiL, I think he probably threatens her with not seeing the children. Either that you 'won't let her' so he needs to get them so she can see them and she needs to help him do that, or that if she doesn't do what he says, he won't let her see them when he does have them. Damned if she does, damned if she doesn't. But at any rate, I wouldn't tell her anything or agree to anything she suggests as far as child arrangements go. I'd assume that if she calls you, he's probably listening in. Probably best to keep the relationship 'cool' with not a lot of phone chatter. And no talking to the children unless you can hear what's being said.

Weekend is his right, I can't disagree. In the beginning I really wanted them to see him. Now not so much really as the children report back some remarks that are just and dc2 is always quite unsettled with me on return. I feel pretty cynical about such a u-turn but also really quite worried. I feel very protective of the DCs, perhaps far too much. I have to let them see him but I'm concerned I'll have to pick up the pieces and somewhere there's the fear of losing them, and him manipulating them more. The remarks are mentioned casually now but more exposure to that sort of attitude?

He's being a total nightmare about the summer for some reason, but then he is with finances too. It's just I don't get anxious about them in the same way. It was initially brought up because he wanted a change to the arrangement so the children could go to a family event. Fine and agreed. Then he decided to ask for holiday to tie up with that so more change. Again, I agreed. When I agreed he said maybe not he didn't need this. And then yes again. Now however, it's a lot more, too much for the children and I don't agree. Each time of course more solicitor time used up.. ptumbi yes the change would become a court order anyway. It hadn't got that far. It's tricky really because I have to be seen to negotiate and be reasonable. He is not regarded as a risk to them. My solictor is sick of him right now because he pays his legal people to negotiate but he's emailing her as if they weren't doing their job! It's like he'd rather pay costs and the money ever finding it's way to me.

Across I will probably find out what it is sooner or later about this email, in a roundabout way.

Oops autocorrect ... I meant < it's like he'd rather pay costs rather than the money ever finding its way to me >

As long as it's in the best interests of the children, yes, you want them to have a relationship and spend time with their father. And it's in your best interests to be at least minimally cooperative. But that doesn't mean that you have to acquiesce to his every demand or sit silently by if he's trying to influence the children against you. He'll try to make you feel unsure by demanding unreasonable things because he knows that you question yourself. Your solicitor is well placed to know what is reasonable and what is not and what constitutes manipulative behaviour with the children. Rely on them.

I'm sure you are, but you need to write down every single thing the children are 'parroting' even if it seems small. Also write down things that seem as if he's using the children to 'dig' for information from you or seemingly trying to provoke a reaction from you. It's the total of all the manipulations (big and small), not each one separately that builds a case. A judge will not look favourably on a parent that drips poison into a child's ears or uses the child to obtain information on or manipulate the other parent.

I think another reason he's being a nightmare is that he still hasn't accepted the reality. He's still trying to wear you down and make you come to heel. Little does he know that tactics like that can backfire and make a person even more determined!

Across thanks
Yes I keep a record. Solicitor is aware of some. As contact has been so short up to now it hasn't dominated my life. I'm more concerned now, also because the agencies have taken a step back and he will be aware of that. I was supposed to see someone after he broke the order but that was cancelled and still not rescheduled. He was interviewed by them at the beginning, And later he had to go on a course as well. I'm sure he's hated having to do all this but will also have learnt exactly what to say to make sure he passes their 'tests'. He's very good at fitting in. He would probably appear as the most sensible, fatherly, calm figure you could imagine in my opinion.

I don't know if his tactics make me determined. Some days they do, other days I get very worried and almost wonder whether I should have put up and shut up except I don't think I could have at the rate things were going. One of the reasons I felt unable to do anything initially was the children. I felt I could protect them more within the marriage than outside of it. Probably wrong, but sometimes I still feel this way, whereas here I feel I have little or no control. As I can't ever imagine telling them the reasons behind all this I think it may well be very easy for him to portray me as the evil witch if he puts his mind to it.

I understand how stressful it is, but beyond a bit of spitting fire, I don't think anything has changed much.

He's going for his full weekend allotment, well he was always entitled to that. And he's potentially going for longer holidays. I think he will fight for this to get at you but not take it in the long run, he is clearly a man who is very little invested in his children. He's much more preoccupied with you.
He's very selfish, and I can't see him looking after his children full time even on a holiday.

Nor can I see a court granting him long holidays with the children if they're going to be with a nanny FT. It would be much better for them to be with their mother in that case.

It's all done to spite you and what he threatens and what he will actually be bothered to carry out are two different things.

Don't ever doubt you've done the right thing. It's never easy to chart a new course but your doing fine!

He can be a good actor, but the authorities and judges have seen it all and can see through the best.

I'm on a long road trip so may not post as frequently, but I'll be reading. You're doing fine.

No nanny mentioned for the long holiday, just family. He's submitted a detailed plan. He'll have childcare I am sure, I'd just find out after the event. Paid help which we sometimes had won't be labelled as nanny even if he's ever asked about it. I actually think if he gets that length of time through court (not sure he will, of course) he will take it.

Anyway, something doesn't sit right with me and I worry about the children getting emotionally hurt along the way but best not go into it anymore at this stage. So difficult not to sound like a vindictive loon who won't let her children see their father when all he's doing is exercising his right and the stuff going on so far is a drip, drip, drip of casual damaging remarks, too few to make a case really but too many already.

Across thanks - I hope you enjoy the long road trip and your time away.

Oh I know exactly what he's doing with regard to the children. He's damaging them with his comments to get at you. I know you're not a 'vindictive loon' I can see for myself what he's up to. I totally understand why you don't want them exposed to him.

But sadly, I don't think there's anything you can do. Unfortunately I don't think those types of comments, damaging as they are, are reason enough for him to be granted only limited, monitored contact.

Unless your solicitor says different of course...