Views needed on argument with my boyfriend...

[dragonflyballoon]

I'm in the middle of an argument with my boyfriend.

We have been together for just under 5 months.

This weekend he went away, out of town, on a long standing plan to visit some friends. I stayed home.

Prior to meeting my boyfriend I was a single parent for 3 years following my divorce from exDH and have 2 children. Whilst I was single, I found a local support group for single parents that I used to attend regularly for things like picnics , days out etc. I have continued to attend activities since I have started dating my new boyfriend as I still consider myself to be a singe parent if that makes sense and have made friends with the group.

Today I went to a picnic at a local park with the group. I had completely forgotten to mention this to my new boyfriend. However when I told him this this evening he got very annoyed that I hadn't told him, didn't understand why I was going there as I'm not "single anymore" and interrogated about all the men that were going. He said that he has a male friend who goes to the group who told him that it is used as a single parent dating thing (something that I have never been aware of). I told him I go to meet up and chat with my female single parent friends and for my children to play with their friends.

He got quite loud (i.e. quite shouty - though he denied this). I told him that it sounded like he didn't trust me and I didn't like the idea that I should need to tell him my whereabouts etc. He said he did trust me, just that he was upset because he has heard rumours about the integrity of some of the men that go to these things and that he is hurt because he doesn't consider me to be single anymore.

Is he being really out of order or can others see where he is coming from?

Very good, but yy, please be careful and do not be alone to hand over stuff. If no friend can be with you, then arrange to meet at a Costa or food court. Don't hang around, either. There is nothing to discuss. Here is yours, here is mine, goodbye.

Well done for walking away. I'd also say to have someone there with you when he comes to do his handover. I don't think for a single second this guy has taken it well. Good luck.

Agree with other posters - do NOT engage in post-relationship analysis. If he asks where he went wrong, don't try to explain in the hope he'll get it. If you give him the slightest opening, he reply in a way that seems oh-so-reasonable on the surface. You'll end up trying to justify yourself and then doubting yourself and then giving him another chance.

If you can't get someone to be there, be chatting to someone on your mobile throughout, point out his stuff, take your stuff, smile, nod, but don't get off the phone. You can mouth apologetically that it's an important call, you have to take it and no, he can't wait till you're finished.

It's not so much that I think he'll attack you physically, but there's a high chance he'll try to manipulate you emotinoally.

If someone cannot be there, then you meet him in a food court. No ordering anything or talking, either. Just hand over. He tries to talk, you repeat, 'Nothing to discuss with you. Good bye.'

In fact, I'd not have him come over at all. He meets in a food court or mall or you both say goodbye to the stuff.

Dragon just read your post. Have you met up with him? Are you okay? Please don't meet him alone, the break up was too easy. The meet up is a way for him to see you. Get your friend to your house and get your friend to do it, do not tell him your friend will be there. Good luck.

Hi. I haven't seen him yet. I'll probably meet him in town during the day on friday to do the swap (he can't do before then anyway as his car is out of action).

I have really felt the aftermath of today this evening. I just feel so sad. I have got a stage where when I feel like this I can ring him up and he usually makes me feel better but now I can't do that. My friends have been very good though. I'm even thinking perhaps I was overeacting but doubt I was. I guess time will heal things.

YY to emotional manipulation. I think it unlikely that assault would happen (although anything is possible of course) but yes him taking it well is highly suspicious and he will have something up his sleeve.

Expect versions of one or more of the following:

• Lots of earnest "trying to understand" and insisting that you owe him an explanation, it's only fair etc etc. Don't engage with this, broken record "The relationship is no longer working for me". That's the only explanation that he needs, you do not owe him anything more. If you get into an explanation of what was wrong then he will counter every point until you feel you have no choice but to give him "one last chance".

• Extreme emotional distress with tears and/or vague hints that he's going to do something drastic like quit his job (or worse). Proclamations that he's going to miss you and DC so much and it could have been great. No idea how you deal with this. Probably a slightly awkward handover of stuff and just try really hard not to offer sympathy, no hugs, no tea, if anything just "Sorry but it's over". If you're genuinely worried about his state of mind get him out of your house ASAP and then call somebody else to look out for him. It's not your job any more.

• Demands for information, digs suggesting you have another man hiding in the wings somewhere, accusations, especially accusations that make it all about him ("You've ruined my life. You've taken those kids away from me.") etc etc. Perhaps after one of the other approaches hasn't worked for him. This one could possibly be the most dangerous but is likely to be all talk, especially if you have a friend with you. Don't be afraid to say "Get out of my house or I'll call the police" if necessary.

• Guilt tripping. He'll remind you of all of the things he's "done for you". See through this - if he had meant any of those things, he wouldn't be treating them as bargaining chips and trying to cash them in now. See it as validation that you've done the right thing. Any decent man is nice to you because he's nice, not to build up a store of credit in order to wipe out any wrongdoing.

• Pleading and bargaining, promising lots of vague but nice sounding promises like "I'll be better" "I won't screw it up this time" "I'll treat you better". (Probably not relevant to you at this stage, but abusers often promise to go to therapy, anger management, relationship counselling, rehab, AA, etc) You can try calling his bluff by asking him what exactly it is he is planning to change (chances are he doesn't know what he did wrong or have any awareness that he did wrong, he's feeding stock phrases into the "woman machine" and hoping that you'll come back with the right response.) but it's probably better not to engage at all and come back with "It's too late for that, this relationship is over."

:( Sorry you're feeling down. It's natural to grieve for what you hoped the relationship could have been, even if you know logically that it wouldn't have worked out that way.

You will feel down for a few weeks, but there will be a time when you look back and realise that, he was indeed not a nice person at all.

When I splinted from my abusive ex, someone told me I should write down the reasons why I had left him while I was still angry with him, so I could return to that list every time I doubted my decision of leaving. Best advice ever, every time I missed him and started to idealise him, the list brought me back to reason and stopped my feelings playing up with my memory.

I am definitely grieving for what I hoped the relationship could be. If he wasn't so controlling etc the relationship would have been great. I think writing down all the bad stuff to refer back to when I start doubting myself is a good idea as all last night and this morning all I was doing was remembering the good times we had together.

If he wasn't so controlling etc the relationship would have been great

Love, please understand that the controlling bit WAS the relationship. the nice bits were him doing what had to be done to keep you there.

He wasn't nice to be nice, he was nice to be nasty. the circle of abuse is not all nasty, the nice bit is a part of the overall abuse because it keeps you from binning him.

Over time this nice would melt away completely to nothing. trust me. they really are all the same.

You could never have turned this around, because he wasn't in it to be nice to you, he was in it to get his feed

Well said, Hissy

I don't know actually what motivates this controlling behaviour, maybe not the same in everyone. I always assumed it was a basic lack of self-confidence where they assumed that the minute they let you have any freedom or realise how much better than them you actually are, you would be away.

But the result is the same and life with such people is a misery.

I believe controlling behaviour stems from fear. fear that you will leave them being the biggest motivator.

They will simply do anything they can think of to prevent it. All the while they are, ironically, pushing you further away.

Everything is wrapped up and presented to you as being part of a loving relationship, that is special and unique and your own little bubble of perfection. In fact it is dangerous and isolating.

Anger is the best way to get someone to stop doing something that if frightening you or worrying you. they know this because they have learnt it. You shout at someone then they stop doing that thing that scares you. he is scared of you having your own life so he shouts to stop it.

it is sad really and i feel sorry for them - but feel worse for anyone dealing with it becuase it is baffling behaviour and certainly not normal.

I feel much better today. Thinking less about the good times and more about the controlling behaviour and manipulation etc. I feel like I have made the right decision in dumping him and that I have made a lucky escape. And also feel much more in control. I feel less anxious, I have since I met him, started to develop a latent sense of underlying anxiety which I didn't know where it had come from. Now I think it must have been my subconscious feeling anxious about my relationship. Feel much more happy.

He sounds like your 'controller' ...get rid

Good news, OP.

I notice so many people who are in long-term abusive relationships are also taking medication for depression and suchlike. I am glad you have taken the healthy alternative.

This is ringing lots of bells for me. I had a year long relationship and mumsnet gave me the strength to end it.

I remember the 'being single' argument very early on; within about three weeks, he said he was offended that I still considered myself single and he would regularly bring it up. The paranoia and questioning about other men at social events became stifling.

Posters on here are right, op. Listen to bertie botts on what to expect now you have ended it. I too thought I had got off lightly but experienced each of those reactions in the following weeks. Be strong.

Been thinking this evening about how fantastic my friends have been throughout this and how lucky I am to have such lovely people in my life who I am proud to have on my side.

This has led me to start think about some of my now ex boyfriend's friends. It has occurred to me that pretty much all (bar one) seemed to be quite disrespectful towards women. One of his friends was a serial womaniser - cheating on his first wife left right and centre before leaving her and their 5 kids for a woman much younger and having another child with her. Then there was another friend whose wife was apparently constantly on the verge of leaving him because he just constantly never put her first and did whatever he wanted. Then there was the guy whose wedding we went to whose previous relationship had "overlapped" that of his wifes. Whenever I raised this with the ex he would backtrack and make out as though he was he not that close to them after all (he had initially said they were his close friends). It makes me think of the old saying you can tell a lot about a person by the friends they keep.

The more I look back over the last 4 and a half months that we were together there are so many red flags that I have not ignored but have been aware of. I just gave him the benefit of the doubt while I waited to see for sure what I thought of him. I actually remember very early on (literally the first week we met) that there was something about him that made me feel uncomfortable (namely he was very, very full on). I think this relationship has taught me that I will trust my instincts next time.

Been thinking this evening about how fantastic my friends have been throughout this and how lucky I am to have such lovely people in my life who I am proud to have on my side

So glad that you have and appreciate them. Thank goodness you got out of this before he managed to separate you from them all.

Well done OP. You've been brave and decisive. And strong.
You ought to be proud of yourself. x

Very proud of you, dragon. Keep it up. Meet him in public if you ant your stuff back.

And yeah, always trust your instincts. Always. No more doubting yourself, benefit of the doubt, second chances. If your gut tells you something, listen.

Funnily enough dragon abusive men tend to be 'good' in situations where you need help and support because it makes them feel important.

As soon as you get stronger and become yourself again they put you down.

Ignore my post the thread has moved on.