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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Views needed on argument with my boyfriend...

246 replies

dragonflyballoon · 07/09/2014 20:29

I'm in the middle of an argument with my boyfriend.

We have been together for just under 5 months.

This weekend he went away, out of town, on a long standing plan to visit some friends. I stayed home.

Prior to meeting my boyfriend I was a single parent for 3 years following my divorce from exDH and have 2 children. Whilst I was single, I found a local support group for single parents that I used to attend regularly for things like picnics , days out etc. I have continued to attend activities since I have started dating my new boyfriend as I still consider myself to be a singe parent if that makes sense and have made friends with the group.

Today I went to a picnic at a local park with the group. I had completely forgotten to mention this to my new boyfriend. However when I told him this this evening he got very annoyed that I hadn't told him, didn't understand why I was going there as I'm not "single anymore" and interrogated about all the men that were going. He said that he has a male friend who goes to the group who told him that it is used as a single parent dating thing (something that I have never been aware of). I told him I go to meet up and chat with my female single parent friends and for my children to play with their friends.

He got quite loud (i.e. quite shouty - though he denied this). I told him that it sounded like he didn't trust me and I didn't like the idea that I should need to tell him my whereabouts etc. He said he did trust me, just that he was upset because he has heard rumours about the integrity of some of the men that go to these things and that he is hurt because he doesn't consider me to be single anymore.

Is he being really out of order or can others see where he is coming from?

OP posts:
bleedingheart · 08/09/2014 16:38

I really don't think I could be arsed with this. The troubled boyfriend might be a pet project when you're a teen but when you are a grown up with children? It's just annoying and offensive. Let alone potentially dangerous.

You are a single parent. You are allowed to go out with other parents.

I had an ex like this. He was lovely so much of the time but the jealousy was vile and led to me changing my behaviour to avoid it. To my own detriment.

trufflehunterthebadger · 08/09/2014 16:49

Run away

And if you doubt, go to your police force under the new domestic violence discolsure scheme. Bet £5 he has previous for dv

Fixerupperz · 08/09/2014 17:03

You have been together eniugh time to see his darker side but not too much time that its more difficult to get IMO. So cut and run OP. For your own sanity.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/09/2014 19:29

His concern about the men in the single parent group is a mechanism to degrade your intelligence, as if you were an adolescent with no knowledge of the world.

Fuck yeah... XH also told me to be careful crossing the road, and not to give either my handbag or the baby to a stranger to hold, after a quarter century or more of commuting to town; and on one memorable occasion (which I have mentioned before) asked if I realised I should wipe my arse front to back. I was at the time around 45 years of age.

Mind you, he was probably right that I was a naive fool, given the shit he got away with for years... But you see, I loved him, and I thought I could help Hmm

Springheeled · 08/09/2014 19:52

I agree with the quote Annie posted and what she says. It reminds me of that song the telegram boy sings Liesl about how she's not prepared to face the world of men! Patronising twat (who later turns out to be a Nazi!)
BEWARE the man who things you need taking care of... They're not going to take care of you in any sensible way

mrsbrownsgirls · 08/09/2014 20:12

spring, my boyfriend and I take care of each other.
what's to beware of?

MamaMotherMummy · 08/09/2014 20:13

How on earth can bumping your hip against your dh's as fun be considered abusive? If he had a problem with it, i would immediately stop.

I understand what everyone is saying about everything else. Having previously been in an abusive relationship, I get that.

AbbieHoffmansAfro really says what I tried to say. I think I probably said it quite badly but I never meant that the OP should put up with abuse. I stand by everything I said, but agree with the comments of others who say that she is not responsible for his healing, unless she wants or feels able to play that part. That is up to her.

It might be worth noting I'm trained in counselling.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/09/2014 20:16

Ah, that's why your posts read like an Agony Aunt in a 70's newspaper.

gincamparidryvermouth · 08/09/2014 20:44

It might be worth noting I'm trained in counselling

I've had three trained counsellors in my life and I find this absolutely believable.

rainbowinmyroom · 08/09/2014 21:34

All the more reason not to bother paying money for one of those blowhards to spraff a bunch of hot air at you.

dragonflyballoon · 08/09/2014 21:39

I'm still here and am still reading. I've not spoken to my boyfriend since yesterday. He tried ringing today but I didn't answer as I wasn't ready to talk to him. He sent me a text message apologising, saying that he was drunk and doesn't know why he responded the way he did.

TBH my heads a bit fried at the moment so I'm not going to talk to him until I know exactly what I want to say. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to end it. The difficulty is, is that when things are going well, it seems like a fantastic relationship. I had an absolutely terrible week last week, I had a lot going on and was very down and he was an absolute rock. I really thought wow he is the guy for me. But then yesterday happened, and it is not the first time that things like that have happened and its made me think that I can't continue into a relationship with someone like this.

OP posts:
Springheeled · 08/09/2014 21:43

mrsbrown'sgirls partners should take care of each other. What, in my experience, an abuser can do is decide that you are incapable of taking care of yourself or making sensible decisions. For example, if I dared go out I'd be given lots of advice on how to 'avoid predators' etc or if I made a decision, it was usually wrong or subject to eye rolling and pisstaking. The OPs partner is not remotely trying to be caring by suggesting that predatory men she can't deal with lurk at every picnic

LiberalLibertines · 08/09/2014 21:46

Might be worth noting? Grin

Springheeled · 08/09/2014 21:46

dragonfly I can well imagine that your boyfriend is absolutely amazing in many ways. That's why the warning signs are easy to minimise or explain away- because he'll be fabulous again before he is shitty again.

LiberalLibertines · 08/09/2014 21:49

I hope you find a way to tell him it's over dragon :( Flowers

You'll find someone that's all the good bits without the controlling bits I'm sure.

rainbowinmyroom · 08/09/2014 21:54

Even Hitler had some good points, OP. Thing is, it's not just you anymore, but your kids, too. Would you be happy with your daughter going out with a guy like this, or think, 'She's worth so much more.'

Because you are. He's a 'rock' when things are going his way and he has you in a vulnerable position. And when you aren't, he gets ugly, or says shit like, 'You smell like bloke' and 'You're obsessed with me' to keep you on your toes. Blames you for his feelings, 'I'm hurt because you,' claims ownership of you and your kids with claptrap like, 'I don't consider you single or a single parent any more because I have taken you into my heart.'

YOU decide when you are not single and so far, you consider yourself to be so. That's very wise of you.

Because this is the real him and, worryingly, as good as he gets.

MamaMotherMummy · 08/09/2014 21:58

all the best to you dragon.

MexicanSpringtime · 08/09/2014 22:23

Yeap, OP, I really thought wow he is the guy for me. But then yesterday happened, I know that feeling. After being so sneery about women who stayed with violent men, everything was going swimmingly and then he hit me. And he cried afterwards and said he was sorry. And I so wanted to believe him. You know the rest...

But it is an awful feeling when the bubble bursts. I just wish I'd had mumsnet in those days.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 09/09/2014 01:23

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft is a highly recommended book about controlling men (although it also rang slot of bells regarding my controlling sister). Please read it if you would like another source of validation beyond your thread here.

Also, no matter how Brilliant he helps you, please understand that this does not create a contract for you to tolerate being controlled, degraded, manipulated, minimized, insulted, belittled, shouted at, or generally disrespected.

wallaby73 · 09/09/2014 02:39

Very very wise pp's here.....but i ask a simple question. Next time you are invited to your single parents group, if you stay with this man....how will you react? Go, as ever before? Go, but don't tell him for fear of his reaction? Not go at all even though you'd love too? Think about what those reactions say about the mechanics of the "relationship" and what lays in store for you if you continue.....all the best x

MexicanSpringtime · 09/09/2014 03:02

Next time you are invited to your single parents group, if you stay with this man....how will you react? Go, as ever before? Go, but don't tell him for fear of his reaction? Not go at all even though you'd love too? Think about what those reactions say about the mechanics of the "relationship" and what lays in store for you if you continue

Whao wallaby73, you've hit the nail on the head there. These men make attending a simple social event a major act of defiance.

Springheeled · 09/09/2014 06:44

Spot on wallaby

comebackstrong · 09/09/2014 06:59

Please don't listen to people saying ditch him! Blinking hell, so he is a bit jealous - that's quite normal!! When I was at work the men would often joke about how the stay at home dads would be a hit with the single mums round the school gates etc - this is usually absolute bullshit but most men are always looking for the sexual aspect to a situation (sorry but it's the truth!) It's not necessarily a red flag that he is a potential controlling serial killing rapist (or whatever it is the other posters are convinced he will become).

Yes he's out of order but how would you feel of he went on a singles night? And yes I know it's something you've always gone to and yadda yadda yadda but just keep a bit of perspective.

Hissy · 09/09/2014 07:06

dragonfly my ex started like yours, eroded and wrecked every friendship I had. sulking, bitching about them, and me, and terrorised me into seeing that having anything in my life except him was wrong, and that i'd suffer the consequences.

after isolating me, we went abroad and he'd not allow/enable me to go out. for months I was stuck in a flat, with a small baby. and him.

I ended up with mild agoeaphobia and muscle wastage.

he was the perfect man for me. for about a year. he was then a little bit hideous, but as long as I didn't rock the boat was 'manageable'. When we went abroad was when he stepped it up and I was lost.

it took him 5 years to get to this stage.

yours took 5 months.

I spent 10 years with miine, and when it ended I was a terrified shadow of myself, afraid to even do the school run, but having to (feeling sick) because there was no-one else to help me.

do yourself the biggest, kindest favour? end this.

end it because it's what you HAVE to do. we know it's not what you want to do, but it's a seriously dangerous relationship.

it could kill you. seriously. or it turns your life into a miserable existence.

mumsnet was there for me when I emerged from the end of the relationship, we won't let you down. if you end it, you'll feel sad, miserable, of course, but you'll be doing it for the right reasons. let us hold your hand, we'll be there for you for as long as you need it!

what wallaby says is exactly right, he'll erode your life to nothing, he'll suck every bit of joy out of it, he'll hurt everything/everyone you love JUST to hurt you, just to gain control.

thinking of you. PM me if you need to?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/09/2014 07:09

comebackstrong you're so wrong. Jealousy isn't something we should just gloss over, especially when it leads to control ie modifying our behaviour so as not to trigger it. It's hugely dysfunctional and a sign of much worse to come.