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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Views needed on argument with my boyfriend...

246 replies

dragonflyballoon · 07/09/2014 20:29

I'm in the middle of an argument with my boyfriend.

We have been together for just under 5 months.

This weekend he went away, out of town, on a long standing plan to visit some friends. I stayed home.

Prior to meeting my boyfriend I was a single parent for 3 years following my divorce from exDH and have 2 children. Whilst I was single, I found a local support group for single parents that I used to attend regularly for things like picnics , days out etc. I have continued to attend activities since I have started dating my new boyfriend as I still consider myself to be a singe parent if that makes sense and have made friends with the group.

Today I went to a picnic at a local park with the group. I had completely forgotten to mention this to my new boyfriend. However when I told him this this evening he got very annoyed that I hadn't told him, didn't understand why I was going there as I'm not "single anymore" and interrogated about all the men that were going. He said that he has a male friend who goes to the group who told him that it is used as a single parent dating thing (something that I have never been aware of). I told him I go to meet up and chat with my female single parent friends and for my children to play with their friends.

He got quite loud (i.e. quite shouty - though he denied this). I told him that it sounded like he didn't trust me and I didn't like the idea that I should need to tell him my whereabouts etc. He said he did trust me, just that he was upset because he has heard rumours about the integrity of some of the men that go to these things and that he is hurt because he doesn't consider me to be single anymore.

Is he being really out of order or can others see where he is coming from?

OP posts:
flatbellyfella · 09/09/2014 19:03

He is simply , a possessive, jealous, immature ,rude person you don't need around you & your child.

LiberalLibertines · 09/09/2014 20:35

It's not just this group he's got a problem with comeback have you read the thread?

And no, my dp of 13 years doesn't get jealous, ever, and nor do I, why is that worrying?

Original poster
dragonflyballoon · 09/09/2014 22:07

I still have not spoken to him but have decided that I am ending it. I just didn't have it in me to do it today, I have had a very busy day and this has been swirling around in my head all day and don't want to deal with the aftermath of it quite yet.

I know this is going to be hard for me. I feel like I've turned a corner in terms of my feelings for him. Since Sunday happened, I've been thinking about our relationship and it is dawning on me how controlling and manipulative he has been from the start. He was very full on, telling me that he loved me within days etc and I remember thinking then that this can often be a huge red flag in its self but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. He was also very charming. He was always interrogating me about my relationship with my Ex Husband too.

Now I feel really angry at myself for being so fucking meek and stupid for allowing myself for being manipulated. He probably has seen me as a weak target because I'm a single mum, am a bit low on confidence and do suffer from loneliness. I feel really shitty Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 22:10

You will feel better when you take control of your own life.

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/09/2014 22:17

Oh Dragonfly, you were not stupid. He is a total dick who thought he knew how to hook you. But he didn't. You had a nibble, didn't like what he was offering and now you're off having learned some valuable lessons.

You saw him for what he is in a pretty short time. Well done you for working him out and well done for dumping his sorry ass.Thanks

tipsytrifle · 09/09/2014 22:21

*dragon - remember your nic here! This is you, beautiful and strong ... you are NOT weak or stupid and you should not be angry at yourself. You know consciously what you already suspected deep down, you used the board here to drag it up and face it. That's brave!

I'm relieved that you will end it and I promise we're here to support you in the aftermath. Because it might get a bit *yuk ... but I reckon he'll slope off soon enough.

You have nothing to blame yourself for and every reason to be proud of yourself!

cafesociety · 09/09/2014 22:27

Dragonfly, there are men who seek out vulnerable women, often with children and work their charm. Do not blame yourself for their predatory, manipulative, controlling behaviour or for not immediately identifying it.

They are subtle, clever and start slowly so it can be seen either way...as loving and caring/protective....not that the key is starting to turn in the lock.

You are not stupid. He is. I'm just glad you are going to get him out of your life now. Very wise. And clever to heed excellent advice.

MexicanSpringtime · 09/09/2014 22:34

Congratulations, OP. I wish I had had the sense to get out at this point.

NorksAreMesssy · 09/09/2014 22:35

Not meek and stupid...you spotted what was going on, and have decided to deal with it before it gets any worse.
You have NOT given him 100000 'last chances' and you are walking away before you get sucked in further.

Hissy · 09/09/2014 22:47

I said you'd feel stupid, and you will. but not for long, I promise!

i'm 20x more stupid than you, and I recovered just fine!

you're not alone lovey, you have us, and we're all here for you.

have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? if not, you should, it'll explain what he was doing and why.

it's not you dragonfly it really isn't.

Annarose2014 · 09/09/2014 22:49

Don't be too angry with yourself. 5 months ain't 5 years. You twigged it quicker than most would.

pictish · 10/09/2014 07:42

Aye - don't feel foolish etc...you figured him out pretty quickly if anything.

Original poster
dragonflyballoon · 10/09/2014 10:36

Hi everyone! Just to let you all know I just rang him up and dumped his sorry ass! Feel a bit shaky but also like a million bricks have been lifted off my shoulders and like I've regained some control and dignity!

OP posts:
LiberalLibertines · 10/09/2014 10:41

Yay! Well done dragon :)

How did he take it? Do you think he'll give you any hassle?

Only1scoop · 10/09/2014 10:43

Thinking of you dragon

Original poster
dragonflyballoon · 10/09/2014 10:53

He seemed to take it well. Said it was a shame. He said he will come round to drop off a bunch of my stuff that was at his house and I have some things of his (which neither of us want to give up) so hopefully the handover will go smoothly and then I never have to see him again! Off to my best friends house now for tea and sympathy.

OP posts:
PlantsAndFlowers · 10/09/2014 11:08

Brilliant! Thank goodness for that.

myroomisatip · 10/09/2014 11:15

Am I the only one who does not believe that he has taken it well?

OP if I were you I would not be alone when he is there.

KneeQuestion · 10/09/2014 11:27

Have you arranged a specific time/date for him to drop off/pick up the things?

I would insist on that and then make sure I had someone with me at that time if I were you.

Joysmum · 10/09/2014 12:13

Good for you, you now just need to manage a clean break. Having his things ready and get somebody else to drop them off to him so he's no excuse to worm his way back in.

Lweji · 10/09/2014 12:18

Another one strongly recommending that you have someone else with you when he pops in, and to have a defined time.
And preferably handover things at the door.

RocksRCool · 10/09/2014 12:26

Hope you feel better soon. It's always difficult even when the decision is a no brainer.

My only advice would be to not bother getting into any post relationship analysis with him. I'd keep it simple and just keep repeating that it wasn't working for you or something equally benign. I think having out with him would not achieve anything.
Good luck. Thanks

tipsytrifle · 10/09/2014 13:01

Yayyyy go you, dragon! Well done for ending it!!

BUT

There are several of us now very concerned with your safety. We do not believe that he has taken this well or that he will simply hand stuff over at the door and go.

I happen to think he's a psycho and that your stuff could be lived without. Or find its way home via Royal Mail, Hermes or a third party. Not that he would do that. I imagine your stuff is forfeit if you do not see him again.

If you insist on a doorstep exchange he will insist on coming in. I wouldn't rule out the possibility of assault. I'd almost think it a certainty to happen. Yes, he's really that scary!

Please be very very careful, dragon ...

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 14:01

< thumbs up >

but yes, be careful

Hissy · 10/09/2014 14:09

Make sure your DC are not in the house (but of course he doesn't need to know that they aren't)

Make sure you have a friend there with you please?

don't allow him in the house.

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