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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Views needed on argument with my boyfriend...

246 replies

dragonflyballoon · 07/09/2014 20:29

I'm in the middle of an argument with my boyfriend.

We have been together for just under 5 months.

This weekend he went away, out of town, on a long standing plan to visit some friends. I stayed home.

Prior to meeting my boyfriend I was a single parent for 3 years following my divorce from exDH and have 2 children. Whilst I was single, I found a local support group for single parents that I used to attend regularly for things like picnics , days out etc. I have continued to attend activities since I have started dating my new boyfriend as I still consider myself to be a singe parent if that makes sense and have made friends with the group.

Today I went to a picnic at a local park with the group. I had completely forgotten to mention this to my new boyfriend. However when I told him this this evening he got very annoyed that I hadn't told him, didn't understand why I was going there as I'm not "single anymore" and interrogated about all the men that were going. He said that he has a male friend who goes to the group who told him that it is used as a single parent dating thing (something that I have never been aware of). I told him I go to meet up and chat with my female single parent friends and for my children to play with their friends.

He got quite loud (i.e. quite shouty - though he denied this). I told him that it sounded like he didn't trust me and I didn't like the idea that I should need to tell him my whereabouts etc. He said he did trust me, just that he was upset because he has heard rumours about the integrity of some of the men that go to these things and that he is hurt because he doesn't consider me to be single anymore.

Is he being really out of order or can others see where he is coming from?

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/09/2014 07:10

And what are you on about comparing it to a singles night? Are you hard of thinking?

LiberalLibertines · 09/09/2014 07:17

comeback that could be one of the most dismissive, ill thought out posts I've ever seen

Biscuit
magoria · 09/09/2014 07:29

Sniffing someone and telling them they smell of a man in other words have been fucking one before coming to see them is not a little bit jealous it is downright rude, vile and insulting.

Going on a picnic with other single parents is extremely different to a singles night. The first is to meet a group (generally other women) get out and make friends. The second is to look for dates. They are incomparable.

He started off saying you made him feel bad and not part of your family. At 5 months he should only just be being introduced to DC not doing any parenting. Now it is the drinks fault. It is neither. This is what he is.

I have been with my BF for 8 years. We don't live together, he pays none of my bills, he and my son get on but I am the one who parents. I am a single parent even now.

Lweji · 09/09/2014 08:01

how would you feel of he went on a singles night?

A single parents group is mainly for support being a single parent. Most are probably mums anyway. FGS.

Theoldhag · 09/09/2014 09:20

dragonfly have you watched 'murdered by my boyfriend'?

It is a hard hitting film that clearly shows the steps of abuse within a relationship. Those steps are well documented and are recognised as controlling and self esteem eroding behaviour by the perpetrator.

I would not be surprised if you could identify your boyfriends behaviour within those initial steps/incidents.

This man is a danger to you and your dc.

It is well worth reading the story of blue beard in 'the woman that runs with the wolves'. It analyses the scenario that is being played out in front of your very eyes.

Ignore at your peril, do not listen to abuse apologisers and down players.

Having worked in a field that overlapped clients/patients who were victims of such abuse all that you have posted about him would flag up red.

5 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things, you deserve someone who does not treat women as a belonging. Jealousy in this case is not normal, it implies someone who has massive unresolved issues in triangular relationships (envy on the other hand is quite normal and tends not to be destructive).

What are you going to do op?

Theoldhag · 09/09/2014 09:21

Belongings

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/09/2014 09:22

It might be worth noting I'm trained in Counselling.
What does that mean Mama and why do you think it worth noting?Confused

Comeback, you do know that Single's Nights and Single Parents groups are completely different things don't you?

BertieBotts · 09/09/2014 09:31

Comparing a singles night to a single parent group is like comparing facebook to a dating site.

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/09/2014 09:59

Dragonfly, you deserve a relationship free from abuse. One that you can really enjoy when things are going well, without fearing what will happen if your boyfriend has a drink or becomes irrationally jealous when you spend time with other people. Your BF has problems and should not be in a relationship with anyone until he accepts that and does something about it.

There are lovely men out there who are ready for a relationship. Cut your losses with this one. Good luck.

myroomisatip · 09/09/2014 10:24

dragonfly I had a great time with my ex, we used to laugh so much and got on so well, but the controlling (disguised as care etc etc) just increased so gradually over the years until I didn't know if I was coming or going.

I almost had a breakdown over it.

It just isn't worth it.

EverythingIsAwesome · 09/09/2014 11:28

Mama, perhaps you should note I am also trained in counselling, and I think this guy is an abuser.

Comeback, your post seems to have very little thought about it - did you read it before posting? Do you understand the difference between a singles night and a single parent support group?

OP, it is good that you are taking a good long think about this relationship, there are signs here you should think about before deciding your future.

Lweji · 09/09/2014 12:36

It might be worth noting I'm trained in Counselling.

Are you also one of those nice counsellors who takes on couples even though there is abuse?

comebackstrong · 09/09/2014 17:46

Single nights and single parents clubs may be two different things however by thinking like a man you'll see they sound quite similar...

If all he is showing is jealously towards this group then id say it was pretty normal. I would be jealous too if it was the other way around. Do your partners never show jealously ever?!?! I would be more concerned by that personally.

Am I hard of thinking because I don't think like you Ehric! I'm sorry this is just my opinion!

rainbowinmyroom · 09/09/2014 17:54

Thinking like a man? I hadn't realised being a controlling, manipulative, possessive git was the exclusive domain of men.

In adults, jealousy along the lines of that described here is not normal, except among either very immature ones and/or abusers. It's a sign of being a bit thick, if anything.

rainbowinmyroom · 09/09/2014 17:56

And it's not a partner, it's a boyfriend. The OP has only been involved with him for under 5 months.

XiCi · 09/09/2014 17:57

God he sounds awful. Really fucking awful. Why us this so difficult for you to see? I hope to god you take some of the advice on here for your and your children's sake. I'd then be working on finding out why you can't identity such arsehole behaviour when it's right under your nose, you need to keep people like this out of your life.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 18:00

Thinking like a man ?

Hahaha < crump >

Anniegetyourgun · 09/09/2014 18:07

comebackstrong , do you actually think all men are that stupid? Or only the, er, stupid ones?

MexicanSpringtime · 09/09/2014 18:10

I would like to point out the difference, comebackstrong, between feeling jealous and acting on jealousy to shout at your spouse, partner or girlfriend as if they had done something wrong.

comebackstrong · 09/09/2014 18:19

If it's that obvious then why is the OP asking in the first place?

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 18:22

because the op is being manipulated by this man and can't see her arse from her elbow think straight

she came for advice and affirmation that she is not going crazy..and she has got it thankfully

what's your excuse ?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/09/2014 18:32

Thinking like a man? You mean with no critical faculties? Because that's the only way you can get from single parent group to dating event. And if you think they are remotely similar then I question your critical faculties too.

tipsytrifle · 09/09/2014 18:33

I've just had him on the phone literally shouting into my ear saying that he got upset by the term "single parent" as he has "taken me and my kids into his heart" and did not consider me to be single anymore. He said that jealousy had nothing to do with it.

This is very seriously scary!!

He has no right to have any opinions about you, your life or your lifestyle at this point in time. You haven't given him these rights have you? No? Then he has taken them. He is taking your Liberty already, bit by bit. This man is your enemy and would-be oppressor.

Please tell me he doesn't have a key to your place. Please tell me you can see this is a world of pain brewing fast .. and I mean FAST.

5 months = 20 weeks ... and he considers you "his" forever.

Terrifying.

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/09/2014 18:41

Having asked a number of men today Comeback, I can assure you that "thinking like a man" does not net the result Single's Night = Single Parents Group. You must know some exceptionally stupid men.

pictish · 09/09/2014 18:47

The OP is asking in the first place, because she already knows it's a barrel of shit...but she needs confirmation that she's right.

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