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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Views needed on argument with my boyfriend...

246 replies

dragonflyballoon · 07/09/2014 20:29

I'm in the middle of an argument with my boyfriend.

We have been together for just under 5 months.

This weekend he went away, out of town, on a long standing plan to visit some friends. I stayed home.

Prior to meeting my boyfriend I was a single parent for 3 years following my divorce from exDH and have 2 children. Whilst I was single, I found a local support group for single parents that I used to attend regularly for things like picnics , days out etc. I have continued to attend activities since I have started dating my new boyfriend as I still consider myself to be a singe parent if that makes sense and have made friends with the group.

Today I went to a picnic at a local park with the group. I had completely forgotten to mention this to my new boyfriend. However when I told him this this evening he got very annoyed that I hadn't told him, didn't understand why I was going there as I'm not "single anymore" and interrogated about all the men that were going. He said that he has a male friend who goes to the group who told him that it is used as a single parent dating thing (something that I have never been aware of). I told him I go to meet up and chat with my female single parent friends and for my children to play with their friends.

He got quite loud (i.e. quite shouty - though he denied this). I told him that it sounded like he didn't trust me and I didn't like the idea that I should need to tell him my whereabouts etc. He said he did trust me, just that he was upset because he has heard rumours about the integrity of some of the men that go to these things and that he is hurt because he doesn't consider me to be single anymore.

Is he being really out of order or can others see where he is coming from?

OP posts:
Orangeisthenewbanana · 07/09/2014 20:34

He's being quite possessive and controlling I would say. Definitely sets some alarm bells ringing. I don't doubt that sometimes lone parents from these groups do end up together, but he's basically saying he doesn't trust you and wants to dictate who you do and don’t socialise with. Unfortunately I think if he’s like this after only 5 months, it will only get worse. Sorry, but I think you should be seriously considering if you want to continue the relationship.

DioneTheDiabolist · 07/09/2014 20:34

He's being out of order. He has no right to "interrogate" you. And he has no right to get "very annoyed" because you don't run your plans past him for approval.

phonebox · 07/09/2014 20:36

It sounds like your boyfriend is confused about what the "single" part of this group means.

Explain it to him calmly and sympathetically, making it clear you understand why he has overreacted like this. Then leave it at that.

If he is still upset, then yes he is being unreasonable.

Only1scoop · 07/09/2014 20:37

Well you are still a single parent so why on earth shouldn't you go??

He sounds very controlling and you were picnicking with your dc for goodness sake Confused

TalisaMaegyr · 07/09/2014 20:37

This would be a red flag for me, I'm afraid. It's controlling behaviour.

Hissy · 07/09/2014 20:39

ditch him. today.

he has no fucking right to tell you where and when you go out.

that line about the male friend? total bollocks.

my (abusive) ex used to do this.

your boyf is showing you who he is. and it's ugly.

he will take your life and fuck it up. any prolonged contact with your DC. will fuck them up.

he's been with you for 5m. he has NO right to dictate anything.

tell him to go, and not to let the door slam on his arse.

don't EVER let him back in your life.

EVER!

ignore this at YOUR peril.

rainbowinmyroom · 07/09/2014 20:40

Jaysus wept! I can hear the alarm bells going off across cyberspace here in my living room.

He doesn't have a male friend in the group.

Why on Earth do you have any obligation to tell him where the fuck you are going? You have only been going out with him for 5 months and that would be five months in the past because this man is screeching 'Warning! Possessive, controlling person! Abort mission now!'

Littleturkish · 07/09/2014 20:41

Absolutely ridiculous.

He sounds like a nightmare.

Is this the first time he's shown possessive tendencies?

ConferencePear · 07/09/2014 20:41

Ask him to identify the male friend.

SweetErmengarde · 07/09/2014 20:42

Not good, I'm afraid. You have done nothing wrong.

You have been dating this man for five months; he is not a partner or a co-parent to you (quite rightly!), so yes, you are still a single parent.

And even if he were a co-parent and partner, you are not obliged to disclose your whereabouts or ask permission to have a social life beyond the relationship. Especially when he is away doing just that himself - would he prefer that you stayed home and pined for him??

Any rumours about your single parents' group are irrelevant. I presonally would find it rather insulting to be viewed as a helpless victim who has to be shielded from the predations of unscrupulous men.

He is showing you who he is, op. I'm not going to cry LTB, but at the very least, proceed with caution and don't integrate him any further into your life while you evaluate things.

Whocansay · 07/09/2014 20:43

So he's off on a jolly for the weekend, but he was annoyed you went out without his 'permission' when he wasn't there? Exactly what does he think you'll get up to in the middle of the afternoon with a bunch of kids?

He either trusts you or he doesn't. The 'integrity' of single men who go has nothing to do with you. He is totally out of line.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 07/09/2014 20:44

He is a boyfriend of 5 months. You ARE still single. You ARE still a single parent. And HIM? He's got no right to either interrogate you, get shouty at you, OR tell you what you can or cannot do. Ask him the name of the "friend in the group." I will bet you he will not answer it.

Dump him.

Fairylea · 07/09/2014 20:45

Red flag and bunting all over it.

Controlling and abusive behaviour. He can't tell you what to do or where to go. If he doesn't trust you there is nothing there.

Notmadeofrib · 07/09/2014 20:45

He doesn't trust you because he can't be trusted... What was he up to?

LiberalLibertines · 07/09/2014 20:45

Does he Consider himself a parent to your children after 5 months? Thought not, you're a single parent, he's a twat.

I'd be considering dumping him, and telling him that.

rainbowinmyroom · 07/09/2014 20:46

And all the blaming it on other men, this fake friend in the group, he's hurt, you do realise this all pretty classic for how abusers start.

Liara · 07/09/2014 20:46

5 months and he's like this? Bloody hell.

Either you need to have a very, very serious talk about what is and is not appropriate in a relationship, or you need to consider whether this is someone you should be having a relationship with.

Perplexedaschips · 07/09/2014 20:48

Ask him who his friend is...wait for him to say' He doesn't go anymore'

He is being unreasonable. On the outside chance a friend has gone ott about the nature of the group, explain it to him and tell him you will continue to attend.

LemonBreeland · 07/09/2014 20:49

He's being a knob. And controlling. It was a picnic! What would his reaction have been if you went out clubbing without letting him know.

Massive alarm bells.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/09/2014 20:49

5 months in? You have no ties to him, get rid. He's displaying classic controlling behaviour. The line about 'I just don't trust other men' is pure controlling bullshit, plus of course you are still a single parent Confused
He sounds rather thick, very controlling and a total pain in the arse.

Catnuzzle · 07/09/2014 20:50

It starts small. He already has you thinking about whether you trust your own judgement. It's only going to get worse. You're right and he has waaaaay overstepped the mark. I can remember this point very clearly in my own relationship. I wish I'd had mumsnet, then maybe I wouldn't have spent the next two years in emotional and mental hell. Don't let him treat you like this. He has no right to.

Vivacia · 07/09/2014 20:50

This does not sound good. I certainly can't "see where he's coming from".

He said he did trust me, just that he was upset because he has heard rumours about the integrity of some of the men

Then he's been interrogating the wrong person hasn't he?

SweetErmengarde · 07/09/2014 20:50

This reminds me of when my ex objected to my having an account on a social media site vecause it was a "glorified dating agency".

Within a couple of months, he was on it himself and all his "friends seemed to be these teenybopper goth girls!

As a wise poster said on another thread, people's suspicions of you are just projections of how they would behave. He;s implying that men use single parents' groups to prey on single mothers because that is what he would do.

JabberJabberJay · 07/09/2014 20:51

You're not even 5 months in and he's behaving like this? Bloody hell.

Run for the hills now.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. If you stay with him I guarantee his behaviour will escalate from 'merely' possessive to controlling.

Get out before that happens.

iwasyoungonce · 07/09/2014 20:54

I agree with all the above. Get. Out. Now.