Gutted

[Billy70]

Hi all - be gentle - first ever post. I have read other wonderful helpful, supportive threads and wanted your wise advice.

In a nutshell - I am absolutely gutted, too gutted to cry even, in total shock but my husband of over fifteen years has had an affair. At least 1 year long. Admitted he's besotted with her. She's (of course) at least 15-18 years younger than me and reckons they have a future together. Of course me and my children are the only stumbling blocks to their ultimate joy!

How could I have trusted him so completely and him betray me so cruelly? I sound like a victim there which I don't want to be. I found out a few months ago via indiscreet texts. I have told a few RL friends.

Parenthood wasn't his idea of fun tbh but now the children are more interesting he's much better with them. He doesn't want to move out (so he says now) as he "loves his children dearly".

Like many I truly believed we were very happy together, we have many common interests and hobbies, spend most of our weekends together, lucky enough to arrange regular nights out alone, even the odd weekend away, affectionate, talk about lots of things, active sex life (clearly wasn't enough), a great social life, I haven't "let myself go" etc. - clearly he wasn't happy or maybe he just fancied variety and she was there?

At the moment I'm hoping desperately for a "so sorry I can't believe I've hurt you this much, our family mean so much and I will endeavour to be a decent husband again" type speech. I won't ever forget but I could forgive if necessary to keep my family together. The children ADORE "family" time together, as do I. We are their world. My gut instinct is that apart from a few weeks apart they are back on. So I'm being betrayed yet further while I'm supposedly trying to get our lives back on track. Where does this leave me?

I keep hearing of marriages continuing with 10 yr + affairs rumbling alongside... how do people do that? For the Sake of the Children? Hoping one day the affair will fizzle out?
Maybe it is true love between them and he trots off happily to new life with younger woman and lives happily ever after?
Maybe he wants to have cake and eat it - ie familiar safe family life plus sex with glam young one?

I do love him so very much, always have, no wobbles ever - it's heart breaking to find out the number of times you've been told utter lies (our families, children, friends - all spun utter rubbish) and he is very good at lying, I didn't realise before but I guess thats part of an affair - being a crack shot at deceit.

The pain is horrendous at times.

Anyway any good advice greatly received.

I don't know about the contact but I am getting slightly narked.. because you are just too darn nice
I am not for one minute suggesting you cut up his suits but please take the advice (or at least some of it) and show him the (metaphorical )door if you can't throw him out .
if he actually gave a shit he would not be going to his work function he would be focusing on his marriage
But you show that you will put up and shut up whilst he keeps you in your place by threatening you financially and with regards to custody.
ffs. Grow a backbone. Stop putting up with shit and I am on my way round with a wet fish...
you sound lovely and yes I am narked at how accommodating you are but you really do deserve better. Hes a fucking arse

Op I think you probably need one my lovely.

Well, I agree the fucker needs to go. If he won't then you must at least make his life at home very hard. No washing, no cooking for him, don't include him in family trips/ fun/activities, certainly please please please stop sharing a bed....let him know life does not continue as normal while he considers which woman he'll be with.

Please....do not allow him to disrespect you and your family so much. Him using the children as a reason for not leaving is disgusting. You're their mother....he'll let you suffer over it but he can't leave them. Bollocks. Tell him he made his decision when he started the affair.

How DARE he think he can call the shots.

My husband had a 5 year affair, and has behaved appallingly. Really really really, please do not allow him to stay. He wants everything, its completely awful, disrespectful and shit. He is a complete fucking prick.

The kids WILL survive, I had 2 who were 2 and 8 when he left, and we are doing just great, despite his appalling attitude to fatherhood.

Let him go, if he doesn't even respect you enough to cut all ties, and make a go of it, after being incredibly contrite...there is No way on earth you are never going to trust him again.

Being a single mum, is empowering, uplifting, amazing, utterly shit and exhausting. But I would never ever want to be back in the marriage I had, and I can promise you once you get shot of him, you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in him.

You deserve so much more. Please please get some legal advice, and impartial advice. This man needs to go. xxx

I'd be amazed if this affair carries on- there is almost a 20 yr age gap , he has 3 kids and - probably- an ex.

Her life would not be a bed of roses and I suspect both of them are going to have one massive wake up call some day soon when all the shit hits the fan.

I'm sorry I haven't had the time to read all the posts but I didn't want to read and run.

I'm bloody angry for you. You sound like a lovely wife and mother and you deserve a man who worships you.

Time to play hard ball because he is not your friend or ally. He is a complete selfish and gutless slimeball who is out to take all he can get and them some.

Either you are a doormat or you're not. I'm sure you are not. But FFS, you have to show you mean business. He can pack his shit and get the fuck out or you will do it for him. Let him tell the kids why he is leaving. Great dad he is. NOT.

BTW. I feel strongly about this because my dh did exactly the same and his mother stayed with his dad for nearly 8 years +whilst he was having it on. Now lack of respect for his mum and his dad, well he's not even worth pissing on so dh says. Therefore, please... Think of your kids. Staying with him is setting a shite example.

I mean dh experienced in his mum what you are going through.

Sadly you can't stop OW meeting the DC. You can ask him, but he can ignore your wishes.

Do get copies of all info, pensions, life insurance, savings, mortgage and then give them to a trusted friend/relative to look after. I copied everything, gave it to XH. At mediation he claimed he had no pension etc, but I had copies and made him look a fool.

Whatever happens ongoing, you do need legal advice asap so that you know where you stand. Make sure that you have your own bank account that any CB and WTC/CTC goes into. Start to sort things out in readiness for separation even if he remains under the same roof.

My XH is living with his OW now, he is 50, she is 33. They are now moving away for a fresh start.

It is hard being without your DC at first, but in time you will appreciate having a bit of time to yourself. It does take time, but if you keep yourself busy then its not so bad.

At the end of the day, the DC will adapt in time and it is better for everyone to know where you stand.

Don't let him threaten you with "for the sake of the DC" because HE is the one doing this, not you.

Take as much time as you need to work out what you want to do. Keep posting here for support, but please get that legal advice asap

cannot bear the thought of having to hand my children over and not see them every other weekend

But but but .... this is going to happen anyway. You don't get to choose. He is going to leave you for OW. It can happen to his schedule or yours. But it is definitely going to happen.

eat earlier if you are hungry
Eh?! What?! He gives you permission to eat the food you cooked while he is fucking the OW.

decide how best to proceed in coming weeks and months.
You are going to cook his dinner and wait for permission to eat it while he fucks her and he knows you know what he is doing. Are you washing the stains off his pants too?

I'm coming round with frog and another wet fish.

Luvdamorso I was going to hail your post even before I saw my name at the end
Come on now op much sense spoken up thread and especially Luvdamorso.
Do you really want the mn collective on your doorstep with the stock of billingsgate market?

Uh oh, the Pick Me Dance... I did this when 6 months pregnant with DC2. I knelt at his feet and begged him to stay, while he murmered, 'Oh but I love you both'. It was at that point I fell out of love with him and let him bloody well go. Yes it was hard and tough, but Im here on the other side with a nice life

Good luck x

I know you don't want to hear this but he does not love you. Nobody psychologically well can treat people they love with such contempt. He is behaving contemptuously towards you.

You deserve better than this and I wish you the strength to end it.

You have to stop focusing on what he is going to do and think about what you are going to do. You cannot read his mind.

I would do the following if I was in your shoes.

I would with immediate effect see a lawyer, your children are young and from what you say are basically a SAHM. The lawyer will advise you, I'm sure, that you are actually entitled to a larger slice of the family assets as you are primary carer for many years to come.

I would then tell him straight that the other woman is welcome to him, he is of no use as he clearly doesn't adore you.

Refuse to cook, clean, do laundry or sleep in the same bed as him. Also refuse to go out and play happy families together.

Ask him politely to leave ASAP under the circumstances as it's the decent thing to do.

He is pulling the wool over your eyes because he knows full well that he will be the one out in the cold should you rock the boat waving legal paperwork around.

If you still want this man, this will be the only way to focus his attention on you, as all the while you are dancing to his tune he can carry on happily with his double life without having to take any responsibility and actually make a decision.

Do this as quickly as possible, you will cut your pain, feel empowered and know one way or another where he will land.

Personally, I'd never have him back, but only you can make that decision if he's begging at the door of his former wonderful home and wife when he's been locked out.

My guess at the moment is also that you are in a state of shock, sort of rabbit in the headlights type of thing.
At some point the anger should kick in, focus the anger into practicalities as I mentioned above, disengaging with him on every level except via your lawyer.

As you stand back and watch you will see the true colour of the man

So much of your post sounded horribly close to how my dad treated my mum.

Wouldn't even tell her who the OW was. Was moody and miserable when he had to return to my mum. Made his infidelity a totally taboo topic. and a few things even worse.

Thing was she 'won' him and they had another 18 years together. They seemed fairly happy. He never left.

But when he died we discovered the affair never ended. Their marriage was a farce. My mother now visits his grave and finds the OWs love tokens on it.

She is bereaved and cheated and looking back on 23 years of being cheated on wondering what was the point and was that all she was really worth in life?

You can't trust him for a reason. He is a lying shit.

Thank you digesting all your wise words.

Last night I suggested he try the spare bedroom but he refuses to leave the comfort of the martial bed.

He got very nasty last night because I looked sad! It was too long to look sad apparently, as "i've finished with her". Normally I try to be upbeat but last night I couldn't keep the mask on. He made many nasty threats about money (basically why I shouldn't have any) etc etc

Refuses to consider moving out to give me space as "why should you stay in the lovely marital home and I rent poxy flat - waste of my money?" His sense of self entitlement is really quite incredulous. He said IF he ever leaves, then why do the children have to know he once shagged around. He just wants to tell them there were many rows (there have been some tbh like many marriages) and mummy and daddy don't want to live together anymore. I said thats madness as they will find out one day anyway and no child likes to hear that their father cheated on their mother, however much he wins Dad of the Year Award. Apparently him being a great father excuses everything. An early poster shared a great line about daddy chose the other lady... a kind and honest way to tell your children that this wasn't mummys idea. Apparently that's blackmail...!!

Despite children being his top priority (no - himself!) he is happy to sell the family home as "why the hell should you remain living here - I've paid the mortgage for years?" I said it's the children's home as much as ours, we've just sorted out their bedrooms at last, why make extra stress and changes for them, it will be upsetting enough if we spilt? I thought that if funds allowed, mothers / children can stay in the family home until children finish FT education?

By the way agreeing to 50/50 children arrangements - he would take me literally - so I wouldn't risk agreeing to anything with him right now - and he'd employ an au pair (to cover his work comitments) if necessary, partly because he does want relationship with his children and partly to spite me.

Ultimately he's hedging his bets to see if OW is actually worth leaving for or just shagging with her right now... I know I'm not worth a toss to him right now but living full time with the children / nice family lifestyle would be missed.

Just off-loading.

Anyway both went to bed (just) reading side by side. Decided it was my bedroom too and I wasn't going to be relegated to the spare room!!!!

Next few weeks - taking on all your good advice and talking to RL friends and family.

Interesting to see of the long term marriages that limped on. Neither way is anyone happy.

Signing off for a bit. Will update in a while.

Don't fight over the wrong things. The bed is not worth fighting over. I would just move into the spare room. Send him the message that the marriage is over. He has behaved disgracefully and there are consequences.

He is not the boss of you, you are. Then stop cooking and washing for him immediately.

Detach and do not engage with him. He's trying to beat you into submission.

He probably has already taken legal advice or done his research on divorce. You are entitled to a 50% of marital assets minimum.

My guess he is very worried about the financial split and he is actually scared of what he is going to lose.

Do not kowtow, or back down or give in.

Let him know you are not going to be fucked over. Don't tell him your cards though that you are going to see a shit hot lawyer

He's not your friend. He is gunning to screw you over completely.

Start getting on the essential paperwork including passports and give them to a friend or family immediately. Look for every single monetary asset you can find including unrealised assets.

I too would move into the spare room. Make it as comfortable as possible- move some of the furniture even- but I would NOT be laying next to him.

In the kindest way you really need to get a backbone here op. he is bullying you.

I wouldn't even discuss what you would be telling children, who would win the house etc. this man has shown you his true colours. They're not pleasant at all. Forget the ban you knew THIS IS HIM. He expects you to not look sad??? What a total arsehole.

Please divorce him. He has treated you with such, such contempt and nastiness and you sound such a lovely person. The pp post about her mum discovering her dads affair had never ended :( so sad.

Please listen to cookie dough.

She talks such sense. He is not your friend. You need to get a nasty/angry streak and start protecting yourself.

Today, make a list of paperwork that you can photocopy. Hide the passports and birth certificates etc- you're the main carer, you should have them.

Op, still listening to what he SAYS he will pay, or do, or not do -in a divorce it is up to the legal process. He doesn't get to say how much you get, where you live, what he pays.
Get legal advice, today.

And agree with others -move into the spare room. If you keep on sleeping together, sooner or later he will decide that your wifely duties include sex. And I don't think you are strong enough to refuse him, at the moment.

He had a go at you for looking sad for too long?!!

I just don't even know where to start with that. Says everything about him you need to know.
He's a callous, self serving, delusional arsehole!

Basically he reckons he can do what he likes...even fuck other women...and your role is to be waiting at home with a bright smile and a home cooked meal.
That's what he thinks of you.

Get angry.

The spare room looks pretty good to me!

Take half the money out of any joint accounts now.
Change your will.
DO NOT delay getting copies of ALL important documents, at any time he could decide to remove them.

Get that 1st free half hour appt with a solicitor, move yourself into the spare room.