Gutted

[Billy70]

Hi all - be gentle - first ever post. I have read other wonderful helpful, supportive threads and wanted your wise advice.

In a nutshell - I am absolutely gutted, too gutted to cry even, in total shock but my husband of over fifteen years has had an affair. At least 1 year long. Admitted he's besotted with her. She's (of course) at least 15-18 years younger than me and reckons they have a future together. Of course me and my children are the only stumbling blocks to their ultimate joy!

How could I have trusted him so completely and him betray me so cruelly? I sound like a victim there which I don't want to be. I found out a few months ago via indiscreet texts. I have told a few RL friends.

Parenthood wasn't his idea of fun tbh but now the children are more interesting he's much better with them. He doesn't want to move out (so he says now) as he "loves his children dearly".

Like many I truly believed we were very happy together, we have many common interests and hobbies, spend most of our weekends together, lucky enough to arrange regular nights out alone, even the odd weekend away, affectionate, talk about lots of things, active sex life (clearly wasn't enough), a great social life, I haven't "let myself go" etc. - clearly he wasn't happy or maybe he just fancied variety and she was there?

At the moment I'm hoping desperately for a "so sorry I can't believe I've hurt you this much, our family mean so much and I will endeavour to be a decent husband again" type speech. I won't ever forget but I could forgive if necessary to keep my family together. The children ADORE "family" time together, as do I. We are their world. My gut instinct is that apart from a few weeks apart they are back on. So I'm being betrayed yet further while I'm supposedly trying to get our lives back on track. Where does this leave me?

I keep hearing of marriages continuing with 10 yr + affairs rumbling alongside... how do people do that? For the Sake of the Children? Hoping one day the affair will fizzle out?
Maybe it is true love between them and he trots off happily to new life with younger woman and lives happily ever after?
Maybe he wants to have cake and eat it - ie familiar safe family life plus sex with glam young one?

I do love him so very much, always have, no wobbles ever - it's heart breaking to find out the number of times you've been told utter lies (our families, children, friends - all spun utter rubbish) and he is very good at lying, I didn't realise before but I guess thats part of an affair - being a crack shot at deceit.

The pain is horrendous at times.

Anyway any good advice greatly received.

Please talk to a good lawyer.

Depending on the amount of money there is a court will determine whether you get to keep house, not him.

From reading your posts I think he wants to keep things as they are, wait for the dust to settle and then carry on with his bit on the side. Sounds like she has no kids, and will want some and he's realised that he will end up in a 'poxy flat' supporting two families. He's probably still fucking her with no intention of leaving you.

I actually think he's very stupid, and thinks you are and will buy his crap. But he doesn't have the wise MN on board, you are in the right place.

Don't waste the rest of your life on him

"why should you stay in the lovely marital home and I rent poxy flat - waste of my money?"
Because you're having an affair.

why do the children have to know he once shagged around
Because he's having an affair.

"why the hell should you remain living here - I've paid the mortgage for years?"
Because you're having an affair.

I'll tell you what - whatever one of his women he opts for in the end, or the next one that happens along...he'll never regard any of you with a grain of the respect, care or admiration he has for himself.
Not by a long chalk.

This man is a fucking twat.

Time to get real.

1. If he does not move out, you will tell everyone what he has been up to. At the very least he moves to the spare room or you paste it all over Facebook etc. Tell him there is absolutely no chance of reconciling further down the line if he does not give you space right now.

1. He can rant about "his" money and "his" house all he likes but, sadly, the law works against him on that. It is not "his" money and "his" house as you have been raising his children to enable him to work. It is family money and a family house.

1. You know perfectly well that he is still shagging Miss Perky Tits, so he can stop blustering about finishing with her right now. He does NOT get to tell you what you can and cannot ask about/look sad about and if he doesn't like it he can fucking well MOVE OUT.

1. Get thee to a lawyer pronto with copies of all the financials you can find - bank statements, investment reports, pay slips, dividend payments, whatever you can lay your hands on and get the divorce going (you can stop it later if you really want, but you need to make a statement NOW). He cannot hide assets and a good lawyer will use a forensic accountant to find anything hidden. You can ask for the fees to come out of your final settlement in case he tries to cut off your money supply in the interim.

1. STOP doing anything for him. You do not wash his clothes, you do not cook for him, you do not engage in family activities - you take turns to take the children out etc. You do not clean up after him, find his keys for him etc etc.

1. When he threatens you about money, smile sweetly and tell him that the more he threatens, the stronger your resolve to take him to the bloody cleaners, so he can shut up about that right now.

1. Keep all abusive emails, text messages and put your phone on record when he starts getting nasty about money/the kids etc.

It isn't about nice comfy bedrooms and 'it's my bed too'.

It's about sharing a sleeping space with a lying, cheating, controlling bastard who has treated you like shit. It's about lying side by side in the marital bed with someone who has done that to you.

If he refuses to move into the spare bedroom - you move into it. Show him that you don't want him anywhere near you. What he has done and is continuing to do is not acceptable to you.

This bastard thinks you are just going to go along with everything he says and up until now you've done just that. Don't argue with him, don't engage - just show him by your actions and behaviour that you aren't going to dance to his fucking tune, and that you aren't going to tolerate his shit.

I think what Pictish wrote is perfect. When he asks 'why this' and 'why that' - respond with 'because you chose to have an affair' He seems desperate for this to be glossed over, swept under the carpet, and for it not to get out.

Don't let him do that - make sure it's right there centre and forefront - because it's the affair that has caused this - not you - his decision to have extra marital sex with another woman. Any other 'tangents' he goes off at, are distractions. The affair is the central issue here and you shouldn't let him, or anyone for that matter, forget it. His actions. His choice. His affair. You are the wronged party here - don't ever forget that.

On a more practical level, please heed the advice others have given you. Start documenting everything - keep a diary, get copies of all important documents together and get yourself 'organised'.

Start telling everyone in RL that he is having an affair. Or if that's is too hard, tell your most gossipy friend.

Do not keep his dirty little secret.

He'll be saying things to people in the background to start making you look like the bad wife that "forced" him into an affair. Make sure everyone knows he is the bad guy and you are the innocent injured party.

OP, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I've been there and know how you feel. I would have done anything for the first 2 or 3 days to keep him, including selling myself on the streets. When he refused to apologise, I suddenly realised that i was better than that. I was terrified of being alone as i did not work at that point, but I told him not to come back.

Please don't wait until you 'feel stronger' because that won't happen until you have taken the first steps to free yourself from him. Tell everyone what a bastard he is being - and i mean everyone. Tell them about the affair - this is his guilt, not yours. You have done nothing wrong. He wanted to cheat and continues to do so. Please get legal advice as soon as possible. Your friends will rally around you and if they don't, then they aren't really your friends. I found that one out rather painfully.

You are a strong woman and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Even strong people need someone to lean on during a crisis. Tell your children the truth as is appropriate for their ages. And believe me, he won't want the children 50% of the time. My XH has had our youngest DD for 1 holiday since he left 5 years ago. Most men seem to find it very easy to walk away from their children.

Good luck and a virtual hug for you.

Of course he doesn't want the dc 50% of the time. They are too hard work, remember? Certainly at the moment - by the time they are grown up a bit and easier,they may not want to see him. His actions, his loss.

And get a STI check done. He has slept with OW, then with you; you have now slept with everyone she has slept with.

And tell him you have had your sexual health checked - it shows you think he and OW are dirty.

Have just finally managed to get to the end of the thread and think you've had great advice so far but I appreciate that your emotions are struggling to keep up with what's happening.
I totally agree that choosing your battles is important and if he refuses to move to the spare room then you going into it sends him a powerful message that you are not going to dance to his tune.
He is too selfish and self absorbed to be up for taking the kids 50/50 as at the moment you are doing all the grunt work with the kids. He will soon change his mind once that becomes a reality, and anyway no court will give him 50/50 if he needs to hire help to do it when the main care giver wants residency.
By the sounds of him I think you are going to need lots of strength to get through the next year or so, he is going to try and call the shots. Get yourself a good lawyer and lots of RL support.

OP, he is a nasty bastard. The magnitude of the nastiness is a sign of how desperate he is to get you toeing his line.

He is now trying to shift focus from his behaviour (the affair) onto yours (your reaction to it) - he is trying to turn himself into the victim and paint you as the bad guy because your reaction is unreasonable (it isn't of course, that's just his perception). You can keep the focus on his behaviour by using responses like the one pictish suggested, which keep the focus firmly on what HE has done.

Don't fight over who sleeps in the marital bed. He doesn't really care anyway - he just wants to control you and avoid doing what you want.

You need to get practical today. Are the DCs back at school? My suggestions would be:

1. See a solicitor today for legal advice on what would be likely to happen to house/finances/DCs in the event of a split. Don't continue to believe the entitled crap your H is spouting - he doesn't yet realise that the court will call the shots, not him.
2. Look up an online benefits/tax credits calculator to see what you would be entitled to claim as a single parent on a low income. You might be pleasantly surprised.
3. Look up the online calculator for child maintenance (used to be the CSA, can't remember the new name).
4. Move half of any joint money you have access to into an account in your sole name in case he starts to get nasty about money. If you don't have your own account, open one today - you might be able to do this online with the bank where you hold a joint account.
5. Make copies of his payslips, any other documentation about income, assets or investments/savings, and store them somewhere safe. Ditto yours and children's passports.
6. Tell family/friends what is going on. The longer you leave it, the more likely he will get in first with some sob story blaming you for the whole thing.

Yes, he won't enforce the 50-50 residence thing because he couldn't be bothered with arranging childcare. And what if one of the kids is sick - would be really be prepared to take time off work?

Methinks not...

Move into the spare room, if you can afford it buy a new comfy bed for in there. Put a lock on the door and only open it at night for the dc.
Stop doing any domestic tasks for him. Do not cook his meals or do his laundry.
Make sure everyone irl knows what he has done.
File for divorce. While the children are under 18 you will get the house and he will have to pay.
Take back your life.

You aren't allowed to look SAD!???
WTF? Seriously, the more you write about him the more he is sounding like an abusive little shit!

Move into the spare room. Do NOT give him the satisfaction of having you by his side in the marital bed.

My Ex did exactly the same. I told him to get to the spare the room, his words 'Good luck getting me out of this room'
So I moved to the spare room.
Make it nice for you. Lick of paint. Some nice new bedding. A few candles and cushions.

But FFS, STOP doing anything for him right now!
We've all told you this and his comment about eating dinner last night shows that you are still cooking for him.
He's still got his cosy comfy life at home with the little woman doing all the chores for him.

Get a solicitor appointment booked for asap!

I don't know how you can bear to lie next to him- really?????

regardless of your entitlement to stay in the 'marital bed' ( or his for that matter) it's surely a case of doing what helps you most- and that is not sleeping with this man.

You are lucky to have a spare room and bed- some wives would de-camp to the sofa.

I really don't know how you could lie next to him reading.....what is going on in your head!

Get out the double bed and into the spare room.

And at what point has he told the OW it's over? This seems new.

This is one of the saddest threads I have read on Mumsnet in quite some time OP. Your husband is below contempt; a truly evil, heartless piece of work.

However it is clear from your posts that you are still in shock, and you obviously currently don't feel able to follow the (excellent) advice that you have been given on here. You MUST dig deep though OP, and find the resources to stand up to this man. If not for yourself; then for the sake of your DC's. If you stay in this hideously abusive relationship you will be ground down until there is nothing left of you. Do you really want your beloved children to watch that happen to their mother? It will scar their childhoods, and their view of relationships for life. You MUST get out of this sham of a marriage for their well being, as much as for your own.

Please move into the spare room. It isn't about who has the right to stay in the marital bed. Your dignity is far more important, and you are lowering yourself by continuing to sleep next to him.

Stop doing anything for him. No cooking, cleaning, NOTHING! He forfeited the right to your care and concern when he climbed into another woman's bed.

Disengage from him. You are still sharing your thoughts and feelings (discussing what you should tell the children etc) in the hope that at some point you will get a rational reaction. It isn't going to happen OP, and this man will happily use anything and everything you say against you. The only sane thing to do is to stop speaking to him entirely (unless it is something vital to do with DC)

Please book that solicitors appointment asap, and make sure you talk to RL family and friends, and tell them the whole truth. The shame is his; not yours, and it will stand you in good stead for when you (please God) initiate divorce proceedings, and take this hideous man for every penny you and your DC are entitled to.

You cannot come back from this betrayal OP, but you can move onto a brighter future. A future where you are free of the astonsihing cruelty this scum bag of a man has inflicted on you. Please believe it, and keep posting. We are all rooting for you.

OP, the real betrayal here is not the affair - anyone can make a mistake and if he'd come to you, apologised and pulled out all the stops to show he was genuinely sorry, there might be a hope of salvaging this. The real betrayal is the utter contempt with which he treated you since the affair came to light. He has shown his true colours. This is the real him, hard though that may be to get your head around.

It is up to you whether you feel ready to separate or not. If you're not ready, you're not ready. No amount of pushing from well-meaning MN posters can change that. My guess would be that you've been in a controlling relationship without realising it, and your self-esteem has been worn down by your H over time.

However you must try to summon the strength to do some of the things posters have suggested, to protect yourself and your DCs. Seeing a solicitor doesn't have to mean filing for divorce straight away - at this stage what you desperately need is unbiased information so that you can arm yourself with knowledge. At the moment the only voice that is telling you what is going to happen is your H's, and he does not have your interests at heart. He only cares about his own welfare. Seeing a solicitor, looking up tax credits and child maintenance calculators, all these are scary because it makes your current situation more real. But I promise that doing these things is actually empowering.

THANK YOU.

First day alone in house. Had a good cry. About to crack on with all your wise words of advice. He's away tonight, I'm grateful for the space and peace and quiet to think.

Will see an old friend later and tell her the truth. I suspect she won't be at all impressed but she won't be surprised.

Don't feel the need to update him on school key dates for his diary this term - he can find them out for himself in future as his children mean so much to him. I was a superb family secretary - if I say so myself (!) but he'll have to start doing more things for himself - something he's never had to do before. Rarely pays a bill, never used a hoover, never changed the bed sheets, unpacked a wet swim bag, never put on a load of washing, never collected his own dry cleaning etc. - in fact I can count on one hand the number of sole charge childcare he's ever done.

Even if he never sees this woman again (and that doesnt sound like it is the case), he has shown very clearly how very little he thinks of you Billy.

That is possibly even sadder and more shocking than the affair itself, that the man you are married to and have been building a life with thinks you are a mere device to cater to his needs, and keep your feelings to yourself.

He doesn't want a wife he wants a robot, with a vagina.

OP, he sounds like an overly entitled bastard. He is going to drag you to such a low. I hope you find the strength to fight for yourself, your happiness and your future. Not to mention your DC's too.

Move into the spare room while he is away. Don't clean the other room or change the sheets.

That sounds positive, Billy - some fighting spirit coming through in your post.

Do you have access to an ebook reader? I can recommend a short ebook called "Detach and Survive". It is aimed at spouses of men going through mid-life crises, but it is basically about preserving your sanity when your H is being a selfish twat.

Decided it was my bedroom too and I wasn't going to be relegated to the spare room!!!!

Don't think of it as relegation, think of it as a powerful way to show your utter disdain and contempt for him, and to assist in your detachment from him. Every.Single.Night.

If you need to buy a new bed/fancy mattress and lovely linen for the spare room then do it. Make it a lovely place to sleep.

You can also use the room where he sleeps as a dumping ground for all his stuff that you aren't washing or putting away - just toss it into the room, including his unwashed dishes etc.

Yet this man wants the kids half the time? He sees you as his family help. You take care of the home while he does whatever he wants. This is a situation he wants to continue until the kids can look after themselves because he doesn't want that responsibility. He told you as much. There is no chance he will take the kids but he will pretend that he wants them. They are just pawns in his game as much as you and the Ow Are. He loves this.

At the moment, his testosterone levels are dictating his 'I know better than you and I will do as I please'. Perhaps he feels like that but he is not above the law, nor does he have carte blanche to abuse you in this way.

Build up your support network, get a lawyer, get your ducks in a row, then make your move.

Do these men not realise they wouldn't have achieved even half of their success and lifestyle without their wives/partners? He didn't get to where he is on his own.

So use your knowledge of him, the stuff you know from years of being together. He'll be nothing without you, but he hasn't worked that out yet... He's got a lot to learn about the law and about how to treat people.

Sadly for you, its time to let him go. Take all the advice MN can give you and you won't look back.

Good luck OP. You are sounding stronger as you start to process this awful new reality. Great move to withdraw your information support services.

Actually, if you ARE going to divorce, you need to move into the spare room to demonstrate irretrievable breakdown consequent upon his infidelity. This also means not doing his washing/ironing, not cooking for him, etc, so you are two households even though still under one roof. Your separation can be dated from the point you move out of the bed. I think you only have 6 months after the last provable act of adultery for that to be grounds for divorce. If you're going to go the no-fault route, you definitely need to be able to date your separation clearly if you both stay in the same house for any length of time.

But in any case, even if he comes to his senses and you end up staying together, move into the spare room now just for YOU, for your own sanity. He is not "winning" by keeping the marital bed.

He's clearly an arsehole, BTW.