Gutted

[Billy70]

Hi all - be gentle - first ever post. I have read other wonderful helpful, supportive threads and wanted your wise advice.

In a nutshell - I am absolutely gutted, too gutted to cry even, in total shock but my husband of over fifteen years has had an affair. At least 1 year long. Admitted he's besotted with her. She's (of course) at least 15-18 years younger than me and reckons they have a future together. Of course me and my children are the only stumbling blocks to their ultimate joy!

How could I have trusted him so completely and him betray me so cruelly? I sound like a victim there which I don't want to be. I found out a few months ago via indiscreet texts. I have told a few RL friends.

Parenthood wasn't his idea of fun tbh but now the children are more interesting he's much better with them. He doesn't want to move out (so he says now) as he "loves his children dearly".

Like many I truly believed we were very happy together, we have many common interests and hobbies, spend most of our weekends together, lucky enough to arrange regular nights out alone, even the odd weekend away, affectionate, talk about lots of things, active sex life (clearly wasn't enough), a great social life, I haven't "let myself go" etc. - clearly he wasn't happy or maybe he just fancied variety and she was there?

At the moment I'm hoping desperately for a "so sorry I can't believe I've hurt you this much, our family mean so much and I will endeavour to be a decent husband again" type speech. I won't ever forget but I could forgive if necessary to keep my family together. The children ADORE "family" time together, as do I. We are their world. My gut instinct is that apart from a few weeks apart they are back on. So I'm being betrayed yet further while I'm supposedly trying to get our lives back on track. Where does this leave me?

I keep hearing of marriages continuing with 10 yr + affairs rumbling alongside... how do people do that? For the Sake of the Children? Hoping one day the affair will fizzle out?
Maybe it is true love between them and he trots off happily to new life with younger woman and lives happily ever after?
Maybe he wants to have cake and eat it - ie familiar safe family life plus sex with glam young one?

I do love him so very much, always have, no wobbles ever - it's heart breaking to find out the number of times you've been told utter lies (our families, children, friends - all spun utter rubbish) and he is very good at lying, I didn't realise before but I guess thats part of an affair - being a crack shot at deceit.

The pain is horrendous at times.

Anyway any good advice greatly received.

H thinks this OW meets his needs, beginning with attention and ego stroking, before it got sexual. I seriously doubt he will push you for splitting childcare 50:50. He will have told his gf you two are incompatible, limping along with nothing in common but the DCs.

She has made the assumption that forging a sexual connection with your H created an emotional bond which will automatically leads to undying love, regardless of his ties with you and his DCs. She can't be anything but attentive, bright, upbeat, joyous every time they're together. He paints you as a dull hausfrau, so she probably thought you'd hang onto the DCs like grim death leaving him free to pursue his new shiny life.

You are his constant. Back on track? Oh, really? He will be too arrogant to think actually, you could do better than him. As long as you allow him, he will yoyo back and forth. Cold, aloof, vain, arrogant. Dear me.

Haven't read through the entire thread yet but already I'm tearing out my old grey hair. Poor poor OP -but I am now SCREAMING AT YOU! DON'T PUT UP WITH THIS!!!

Been there ... heard the same old crap from my then 'D'H, who was screwing my 'best' friend at the time. Usual script:

think about the children (they were tiny, 2 and 4) because they need to grow up with TWO parents

what will the families think?

I own the house

if you leave, I'll make sure you don't get a penny from me (it was the 1970s and believe me, that could happen)

you'll never manage on your own

So - PUT UP AND SHUT UP, BECAUSE I'M GOING TO CARRY ON SCREWING AROUND!

OP, I put up and shut up, for 20 bloody fucking awful years. I suffered from devastating depression, often considered not just suicide, but actually murdering my ex 'best' friend! When my kids were at university, I divorced him (to his horror!)

Why WHY did I wait so long? For the children, mainly, and because I knew he would be spiteful, vengeful and generally foul in any divorce action. My kids, now in their mid forties, tell me they wish I'd kicked him into touch early on. Thank God that despite the awfulness of it all, they're fine, lovely people, with stable marriages and lovely partners.

Dearest OP, don't be me. These days, it's far far easier to kick an unfaithful shitbag into touch. Your H sounds totally unrepentant, wants to have his cake and eat it.

I'll repeat - don't be me

What has struck me about this situation is the way the husband is speaking to his wife.
Yes I think I love her.
Don't irritate me about it.
I will decide how I will move the pawns of our lives.

And you have said all the way through that you lobe him. how is he with you? From what you've said he is selfish and a pig. And dominant. I could not accept these things whatsoever.

Please find some anger op and put it to good use. Its all been said upthread. You can take charge.

Agghhhhh!!!!

Get the fucker out! Tell him you need space and time to think. You don't want to share your bed and home with a self confessed adulterer. Get him away from you by whatever means possible.

Have some respect for yourself OP please - because you H has fuck all respect for you that's for sure.

Do not allow him to do this to you. This isn't about what the children will think - it's about a lying, cheating, scumbag of a husband sticking his dick into another woman and expecting you to put up and shut up and you are doing exactly that! There's is nothing but heartache and misery ahead for you if you continue along this road.

You have all said some very wise words. I'm mulling it all over and hope to be strong enough to decide how best to proceed in coming weeks and months. I'm not usually so wet but this really has knocked me for six.

Tonight he has a work drink he has to go to! Just announced his arrival home would be later "eat earlier if you are hungry" than expected. Guess where's he going?!??!!? Honestly it's gut wrenching.

Thank you for all your replies but special note to:-

(sorry sounds awful as you all have been brilliant!)

Oldgrandmama - wise words thanks for sharing them. Sorry you hung in so long. Hope you are happy now.

Pinkfrocks - it's true feelings don't turn off overnight.

Donkeys - more wise words. He is VERY full of himself, always has been if I think about it more objectively.

Thank you - I have told a few trusted friends and relatives. They are behind me and will support all decisions and appreciate I'm "lying low" for a bit and gathering strength.

I don't work in a "proper job" - just bits and pieces for past few years, 3 children aged 10 and under.

He will be very nasty in a divorce that is one thing I can be VERY certain of. Childrens feelings will be secondary to his and hers. I was told in no uncertain terms not to contact her and she deserves "to marry, be happy and have children of her own" now they've supposedly split up.... apparently I don't deserve anything much though do I after years of devoted marriage?!

Tosser .
OP, gather your strength however you need to and then kick his sorry ass to the kerb. Cry, and then get very, very angry - that will help to see you through. What a vile excuse for a husband.

Been there, OP. Kick him out.

You won't get any resolution, good or bad, until after you kick him out. If he goes to her, then that's what he wants. Don't let him keep his feet under your table just to stop him from being with OW. If he wants her, he'll keep having her behind your back. Never be anyone's second choice or object of pity. That's a favour no-one needs.

You are setting the playing field here. If you do nothing, he'll think you're OK with it. If you do something (that hasn't been engineered/manipulated by him), you'll feel more in control and he'll stop being a cocky twat. "Pissing me off", what a cheeky bastard.

Do not tell him that you can't cope.
Do not tell him that you can't live without him.
Tell him the kids will be fine, you'll be fine and you can't look at his disgusting face anymore because it makes you feel sick.

You will feel rubbish if you start dancing to his fiddle and the best way to not do that is to draw a line in the sand, coat yourself in lead and tell him to fuck off and give you some space. If he says he's got nowhere to go (an excuse for going straight to her), make it clear that moving in with her is a one way street (even if you don't want him back).

And please, please, please don't let him blame the OW. You can despise and call her all you want - that's your prerogative, in my opinion, but don't let him get away with it by putting it all on her shoulders (especially if you forgive him and try to get through it).

I hope it all works out for you but you need to get some fire in your belly to be in with a chance of that. You can't gloss over it - it will bubble up when you least expect it and it won't go away until he gives you the answers you need x

I'm not sure anger will work with him. He'll try to "use it against me" I'm sure of that if I start shouting and ranting. Quietly does it, will probably annoy him more, and look more dignified.

Time to clear head might work... as in I will see how I feel without him actually under my feet. I think he'll go for spare room option at first as he doesn't seem in a rush to actually leave - "I could easily have left many times before, but I haven't". Charming. Other posters are right, I can't actually make him leave, I can only suggest / ask - which I have a few times to no avail - "I'm not leaving my children!"

I think (sure lots of you will agree), he's just waiting for a convenient moment to go...

Right - smile, sort out childrens bedtimes, enjoy them as I always have done as childhood will pass in a blink and start to re-charge and take charge!!

THANKS EVERYONE.

You can allow yourself to be angry though. Just translate it into icy coldness and dignity.

Upnotdown - missed your post as crossed.

I haven't told him I won't cope, in fact I cheerfully said "I can give the children a very good childhood / life if you decide to opt out of our family life together - we have good family friends and family who will embrace us". He has very few friends (none with children) and family live a long, long way away. He was very angry "I'm still their father and will see them a lot and I'm not leaving anyway".

OW is just "perfect and the exact opposite to you in many ways" apparently. I said "yes always freshly showered, perky, full make-up, best clothes, never tired, amusing, bright, panders to his every word, massages ego, suggests exciting events to go to together" etc - as WE ALL ARE in an exciting new relationship - if I can remember that far back?

Oh I really hope you get the strength to divorce him. Looks like your getting there! He really is a tosser who is showing you no respect whatsoever!

Start gathering evidence. Put important paperwork aside where he can't get to it - possibly at a relative's house. Copies of all financial information. Get legal advice - because I think right now you're dealing on assumptions and incorrect information he's delivered to you by way of threats. Get a free half hour and TALK to a solicitor and find out exactly where you stand. I'll bet you'll be surprised.

Something to consider - he wouldn't be NEARLY so quick to stamp on you if he didn't realise you actually could do quite well without him. His power relies on keeping you cowed and under his thumb and worried and humiliated.

You deserve better. So do your children.

Do you know for certain he's going to be at her house tonight?

If you do, I would definitely pack a bag and leave it outside her door.

The only way he's going to want to stay with you (prize that he is) is if he respects you. The only way he'll respect you is if you show you are capable of being without him. He will look at you with new eyes.

Having said that, he's not worth having. He's trying to make you feel guilty because he is having an affair. That isn't what a good, decent man would do.

And I'm another where I was threatened with 50:50 and the children stayed there twice. It's all bluff.

What an absolute arsehole you might not be able to make him leave but you don't have to make it comfortable to stay

Reclaim your bed for starters you need a sanctuary from all this shit

Then take it from there, when I found out my husband had a fling he came home to divorce forms I'd printed off the Internet with proposed contact and maintenance arrangements

We are still together he ended it straight away, it's not smooth sailing by any means and I'm still suspicious but it's getting better

It's completely different - being in the spare room isn't really good enough. I understand what you're saying but where's his sense of decency? I think you're flogging a dead horse if he won't give you space after what he's done.

He sounds like an arsehole, OP. I get the whole 'But he's my arsehole' thing but seriously, after shitting all over your life, he should be trying to clean it up, not rubbing your face in it.

If you're stuck with him in the house, change your priorities, go out often, be strong and generally act like he's not there when you can get away with it. Do not tell him anything that he doesn't need to know and be very selfish for you and the children x

Just saw your last post - good. Keep letting him know you're fine and you think he's a piece of shit, not so much for what he's done, more for the fact that he's not apologetic. 'Perfect and exact opposite to you'. What a prick. Hopefully he can turn himself around but he sounds like he's traveled a long way in the wrong direction x

I wouldn't want this man if he did a complete 180, removed his own head from up his arse with a pitchfork and crawled along the floor on the stubs of his ulnas.

OP, I don't know how you can look at his bastard face.

So he's at his fucktoy's place tonight?

In that case, lock the doors, draw the bolts (or leave the key in on the inside) and text him not to bother coming back.

She's screwing him, let her make his breakfast and wash his boxers.

Then, as PPs have advised, lawyer up.

oh c'mon! He said THAT about her?
(Perfect and the complete opposite of you...)

Ok- so when he comes home you will ensure that the divorce papers arrive as soon as possible.

Also- just guessing- reckon you and he are 40-42 ish and she is 18 years younger? Maybe mid 20s to late 20s? Same age as my DD... and she thinks she is going to take on a MM and his 3 children and - maybe - be their step mum.

she hasn't a clue- seriously - about what lies ahead.

I'm not leaving my children!

Well then he has to tell them what's going on.

True OW just sees the glossy him. He can turn on the charm a treat when necessary.

I'm older sadly - mid 40's and she's late 20s. I have my health, children and the means to survive ultimately I know that. Just feeling very sad right now and cannot bear the thought of having to hand my children over and not see them every other weekend, potentially. I miss them when they are at school fgs and even enjoy the long summer holidays - they are my little pals and we do fun things together.

I do have hobbies / interests / do lots of sport - don't worry I do have other interests, I'm not totally children obsessed but I do enjoy their company and will miss them dreadfully if it comes to sharing them around.

Right now I need to focus on myself and children and get us all through this utter mess. I appreciate that others have life way harder than just a philandering husband, so I will stop banging on!!!

Anyone know - can you insist he sees children alone ie without the latest OW? especially in early stages to reduce their distress (& no doubt annoy him a little!!)

The short answer is "no".

I feel for you. He seem a right selfish and manipulative turd.

OW may think twice when she has the full package, an older man with 3 kids living with him every other week.

Tell him you are prepared for the standard 50/50 living arrangements, as that is most fair for the kids.

Right now I need to focus on myself and children and get us all through this utter mess.

What are your thoughts about plans for this month, and how can we support you best?