Gutted

[Billy70]

Hi all - be gentle - first ever post. I have read other wonderful helpful, supportive threads and wanted your wise advice.

In a nutshell - I am absolutely gutted, too gutted to cry even, in total shock but my husband of over fifteen years has had an affair. At least 1 year long. Admitted he's besotted with her. She's (of course) at least 15-18 years younger than me and reckons they have a future together. Of course me and my children are the only stumbling blocks to their ultimate joy!

How could I have trusted him so completely and him betray me so cruelly? I sound like a victim there which I don't want to be. I found out a few months ago via indiscreet texts. I have told a few RL friends.

Parenthood wasn't his idea of fun tbh but now the children are more interesting he's much better with them. He doesn't want to move out (so he says now) as he "loves his children dearly".

Like many I truly believed we were very happy together, we have many common interests and hobbies, spend most of our weekends together, lucky enough to arrange regular nights out alone, even the odd weekend away, affectionate, talk about lots of things, active sex life (clearly wasn't enough), a great social life, I haven't "let myself go" etc. - clearly he wasn't happy or maybe he just fancied variety and she was there?

At the moment I'm hoping desperately for a "so sorry I can't believe I've hurt you this much, our family mean so much and I will endeavour to be a decent husband again" type speech. I won't ever forget but I could forgive if necessary to keep my family together. The children ADORE "family" time together, as do I. We are their world. My gut instinct is that apart from a few weeks apart they are back on. So I'm being betrayed yet further while I'm supposedly trying to get our lives back on track. Where does this leave me?

I keep hearing of marriages continuing with 10 yr + affairs rumbling alongside... how do people do that? For the Sake of the Children? Hoping one day the affair will fizzle out?
Maybe it is true love between them and he trots off happily to new life with younger woman and lives happily ever after?
Maybe he wants to have cake and eat it - ie familiar safe family life plus sex with glam young one?

I do love him so very much, always have, no wobbles ever - it's heart breaking to find out the number of times you've been told utter lies (our families, children, friends - all spun utter rubbish) and he is very good at lying, I didn't realise before but I guess thats part of an affair - being a crack shot at deceit.

The pain is horrendous at times.

Anyway any good advice greatly received.

OP, I've read this thread the entire way through and found myself getting angry at you. For which I apologise because I have not been in your situation and cannot imagine the pain and confusion you must be going through.

But my mother let my father do this to her, and instead of creating a joyful family relationship, like the one you are hoping for, it has lead to my mother being a shell of a human being, 2 children who no longer speak to their father and barely at all to their mother.

My mother stayed for us, to "keep us together" and "not to disrupt our lives", I am SO angry at my mother, firstly for not getting out for herself, but secondly for placing that guilt on me as an adult that it was partly MY fault for her staying with a man who treated her so terribly.

I know that you are trying to keep your children safe, but I wish you'd see this is never going to end as the happy family you think it will, they would rather have a happy single mother and yes I'm sorry split time (but I bet no court would award him 50%) than a mother who turns into a hollow, miserable mother.

It isn't so much the affair, but the blatant contempt and disrespect he has treated you with that angers me and your refusal to deal with that, he is treating you like you are beneath him, like it is you who have failed your marriage, children and life, it's heart breaking to read.
Imagine if your child ended up in a relationship like this, how would you feel?
X

I've never posted on the relationship board before, and I don't often read them either, but I've just read this thread all the way through felt the need to post.

It is such a sad situation and I'm pretty sure, certain in fact, that in 20 years time your children will not thank you for staying with their father.

My parents did this merry dance for years and thought my siblings and I were none the wiser, we were very aware.

You deserve to be happy and treated with respect and I really hope that you see the light and actually do something rather than quietly making plans for weeks on end.

Goop luck OP.

Norest thank you for your support. I can see all sides to my predicament but I'm not going to rush into anything, for now.

You are now the OW. You know he is sleeping with her. I bet she doesn't know he is playing happy families with you. Can you imagine what he says about you to her? He will leave after the holiday in Febuary. Also what kind of man would co-host with his wife's family and friends when they all know he is shagging elsewhere? He should be completely ashamed but he doesn't appear to be at all. Wonder why that is?

Even if the OW is gone for good now and your H decides to say faithful to you forever, he has made the way he feels about you very clear over the last few months - he feels you have no right to ownership of the family home or possession, you should be grateful for any minor domestic duties he performs, you are there to take care of HIS house and children domestically, you are kind of irrelevant in this life apart from the services you perform for him. How you feel and what you want is insignificant. You are there to be a service to him.

Why would you want to be with someone who thinks so little of you? Why do you want to teach your children that this kind of set up is 'normal'?

Your H is a selfish, self centered, emotionally incompetent, untrustworthy idiotic liar and YOU are letting HIM run your lives. In what world is this a good idea for any of you?

I've followed this thread with increasing incredulity.
Why would you put yourself and your children through this OP?

What do you really think you are going to achieve?
As the saying goes, if you make yourself a doormat, people will wipe their feet on you. You husband is not only wiping his feet, but making sure you're nice and grateful for it too.

I can only conclude that there must be something pretty horrendous in your past that you would put up with this level of utter contempt from the one person who is supposed to love, support and respect you.

Nope OP, I think we can all agree you clearly aren't going to be 'rushing into anything'.

And please don't delude yourself that you are staying for the children, you're staying for you. I was that child with parents who didn't get alone, one trying really hard and the other treating that parent like shit (for that is definitely what's happening here), and guess what ??!? It's not best for the children at all !!! They are smarter than you think and can pick up on everything.

You haven't even answered the basic question of whether you moved to the spare room ... Please start to respect yourself, he doesn't, he doesn't even seem to like you so please don't think he loves you.

You know what? Stay.
Stay if it is too hard to leave. (yet)

But pleas god don't stay and take the shit. Tell him he can fuck her as hard and as often as he likes, because you're doing your own thing now. Tell him you don't want to hear a FUCKING word from him.

I am sorry OP but for 4 months, thats FOUR MONTHS, you have said you're not going to rush into anything, take it slow and steady, make some decisions,..

But all I can see is that you're in exactly the same position you were ikn back in September, he is still doing exactly what he wants and you are becoming a shadow of who you could be!

I know you have children and it's hard, but DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM - they are not stupid and from what you said, they know you a damn sight better than him so I wonder who they will believe when the mud starts slinging.

Are you still sharing a bed? Sleeping with him? Doing his laundry? Cooking his meals? Please stop!! It's going to be the only way for you to start getting your self esteem back and actually get some of your own control. You think you're in control but it is so subtle, he won't even notice.

So sad!

I'm gobsmacked at this thread OP and I would question whether you take your role as a mother seriously? Because if you did, you would understand that the emotional and mental stability of your children is just as much your responsibility as your dickface of a husband.

What you need to do is grow a pair, get your head out of the clouds that they are stuck in and stand up to the pig of a man who in 10 years time will leave you, probably a shadow of your former self.

Then he will play out another ten years of blackmail and abuse in front of your children, they wont know what's hit them (your mother doesnt love you etc, etc) and they will play out the ten year show of being town between their parents on christmas's, family events etc.

Ten years after that they will realise that your ex is a self centred bullying arsewipe and will go through a few rounds of counselling to get themselves over the new hurt and confusion in their life.

You are an adult with responsibilites. If you don't give a stuff about yourself then picture their future and take control of it now. Unless you think it's someone else's role to protect them?

The fact you are sleeping with him turns my stomach. You kiss the mouth that emotionally blackmails and threatens you. My God

What a sad, sad thread.

I'm interested to know your definition of a "great couple." To me, it means two people who love each other deeply and treat each other kindly.

Hi, I am coming out of a similar situation.
All I can tell you is:
1 - he is with-holding truth and facts from you. This affects your decision making. Google "chump lady" it is a website about men like this.
2 - men don't change. They don't. My STBXH had a brief affair many years ago, circumstances contributed (I was overseas) and I convinced myself that it wouldn't happen again, it was a one off. It did. Worse. and now, several years down the line there are kids involved. If you stick around after an affair I promise you, next time he is tempted he WILL do it again. After all, you have shown him you will stand by him. The rest of your marriage together you will be suspicious and slowly your self esteem will be eroded. Leave now, you have to. Otherwise you will be 50, and going through this again and wishing you had been brave enough to call time on it before.
3 - He does not respect you. He has not given you full disclosure, gets angry if you ask questions, or if you are sad. HE DID THIS TO YOU, but has no accountability.
4 - the "perfect family" you are trying to protect does not exist. Most of my mourning has been for that, rather than him.
5 - it does take time… I am 18 months in BUT the less you see him the more you heal, I promise. Promise. Promise.
6 - He is probably a Narcissist. Everything is about him. Always will be.

I too did the "pick me" dance. I didn't have all the facts, I was also told it was over. It wasn't. Nothing gave me greater joy than when he tried to sext me and I told him to go sext his girlfriend. You need to get your power back.

Nobody can understand your journey but you are living a lie.

I wonder if staying in this situation for the sake of the children is getting close to child abuse?

I think Gfplux's comment is the nudge I need to end this thread.

Qwertyqueen - I hope you find happiness, interesting to read your thoughts.Thank you.

We all have to lead our own lives and my set up is not unusual, certainly not for a few short months while I get my head together.

Thank you all for the support, advice and friendship these past difficult months.

OP please stop kidding yourself that this will just be for a few months while you get your head together. What is absolutely clear from your posts is that you will wait, and let this continue until your DH decides to leave. That could be potentially another 10 years, until the children are grown and gone, then it will be easy for him to walk away, to be with this, or another younger woman. He knows you will put up with whatever he does, so why would he need to stop, or leave until it suits him?

You sound so calm and passive, OP, as if this is just something that will blow over and all will be well again. It won't. Stop being calm. Get angry. And not with us for telling you things you don't want to hear.

OP is only considering this from her own POV - her children's future is not a priority. If it were, she would not be so passive.

I think the OP thinks she is doing this largely FOR her children.

She is from the school of thought that crappy dysfunctional families held together by lies, deception and lack of respect with an ever eroding degraded Mum and all powerful "man of the house" father is better for children than divorce.

Maybe....however, it is easier to hide behind the idea of " staying together for the children" than considering the emotional damage that might be done by doing exactly that.

And yet almost everyone on here who experienced that as a child wishes their parents had separated. I longed for my parents to split up. Life was dreadful with them together.

Agree with Lois.

My DS1 once asked (at 11) whether me and my XH would ever get back together. I told him, 'no'. He said, 'good, because I'd have run away'.

OP doesn't owe mumsnetters anything. Rupert thingy and Liberty Ross - it was a year between his affair and her leaving, she got her ducks in a row, made a measured decision and got a good settlement. Lots of good press about how dignified she was. It's very hard for a real life person to go from 0 to LTB in a timescale MN approves of, I think.

OP, I'm glad you have friends around you.

Dignified, my arse.