Gutted

[Billy70]

Hi all - be gentle - first ever post. I have read other wonderful helpful, supportive threads and wanted your wise advice.

In a nutshell - I am absolutely gutted, too gutted to cry even, in total shock but my husband of over fifteen years has had an affair. At least 1 year long. Admitted he's besotted with her. She's (of course) at least 15-18 years younger than me and reckons they have a future together. Of course me and my children are the only stumbling blocks to their ultimate joy!

How could I have trusted him so completely and him betray me so cruelly? I sound like a victim there which I don't want to be. I found out a few months ago via indiscreet texts. I have told a few RL friends.

Parenthood wasn't his idea of fun tbh but now the children are more interesting he's much better with them. He doesn't want to move out (so he says now) as he "loves his children dearly".

Like many I truly believed we were very happy together, we have many common interests and hobbies, spend most of our weekends together, lucky enough to arrange regular nights out alone, even the odd weekend away, affectionate, talk about lots of things, active sex life (clearly wasn't enough), a great social life, I haven't "let myself go" etc. - clearly he wasn't happy or maybe he just fancied variety and she was there?

At the moment I'm hoping desperately for a "so sorry I can't believe I've hurt you this much, our family mean so much and I will endeavour to be a decent husband again" type speech. I won't ever forget but I could forgive if necessary to keep my family together. The children ADORE "family" time together, as do I. We are their world. My gut instinct is that apart from a few weeks apart they are back on. So I'm being betrayed yet further while I'm supposedly trying to get our lives back on track. Where does this leave me?

I keep hearing of marriages continuing with 10 yr + affairs rumbling alongside... how do people do that? For the Sake of the Children? Hoping one day the affair will fizzle out?
Maybe it is true love between them and he trots off happily to new life with younger woman and lives happily ever after?
Maybe he wants to have cake and eat it - ie familiar safe family life plus sex with glam young one?

I do love him so very much, always have, no wobbles ever - it's heart breaking to find out the number of times you've been told utter lies (our families, children, friends - all spun utter rubbish) and he is very good at lying, I didn't realise before but I guess thats part of an affair - being a crack shot at deceit.

The pain is horrendous at times.

Anyway any good advice greatly received.

Billy, I think you're being given a hard time on here, but I also think you're being given some wise advice. It may not feel like that ATM, but if you retread this thread in a few months time I think you might feel differently about some of the posts that you currently think are unduly aggressive and harsh. That happened to me WRT a thread I posted after my DH had an affair.

Like you I'm mid 40s. Like you my DH had an affair with a much younger woman who was besotted by him. Difference is I discovered just after he had ended it, he was adamant he wanted to be with me not her, he has examined in depth how he gradually became more selfish and callous over the years leading up to his affair, to the point where he gave himself permission to get involved with her, hated what he saw he'd become and is doing everything in his power to change. A year on we're happier than we've been for years. I tell you this so that you know I understand partly where you're coming from and don't think I am unsympathetic to your predicament.

I have a feeling that you're not being totally honest (maybe not even to yourself) about your reasons for clinging on to this man who obviously despises you ("lucky to be given a second chance" by him - what breathtaking arrogance). I surmise (perhaps wrongly) that a large part of your reluctance to LTB comes down to money and lifestyle. From what you have posted I guess that you are affluent, that he is successful and has a high earning job. I guess you have a lovely home and nice lifestyle, perhaps your kids are at private school or you have plans for them to be. You are basically a SAHM, love being there for your children and fear that in a divorce scenario that couldn't continue. That you'd have to work, have a less desirable home, more modest holidays, less time with your kids. That you'd be lonely.

I also guess that both you and your H think you've punched above your weight with him, that he is in some way more of a catch than you and that he's the best you're ever likely to get.

If there's any truth in this I think that you need to admit to yourself that these things are strong motivations to you for staying. That's OK, I suppose, it's your call to decide you value material comforts and an outwardly desirable husband above an honest and truly reciprocal marriage, an equal and rewarding partnership, but you need to recognise it if that's what you're doing. And accept that he's going to continue straying and, probably, one day leave you for an OW.

And don't kid yourself that your H is going to have a Damascene moment, recognise how amazing you've been in coping with all of this and allowing him a long leash and "love you for being you" ever again. He has treated you with utter contempt and you've swallowed that. You've shown him that you'll cling on, no matter what a shit he is. Admiration is a cornerstone of love and attraction and he's never going to admire you again. Sorry, that's human nature.

I suggest that if you haven't already done so you consult a top notch matrimonial solicitor and find out what you'd be likely to end up with, both in financial terms and time with your children so that you can make decision on a properly informed basis.

Hope this is food for thought.....

Incredibly insightful post, Muse.

Billy, I get you, and you are wasting your time. There is not going to be any happy ending and not just because even if there was a chance - its not going to happen the way you're going about things.

There's another poster here who posts under the name of Holdtight. I think you should read her very sad threads and see how things are going to pan out for you unless you say enough is enough - no more.

I really am very sorry for what you're going through and you are most certainly not the first who isn't able, yet, to do what you need to be doing.

I just had to come back and ask if you are in fact Holdtight.

xxxx

Excellent post, Muse.