Gutted

[Billy70]

Hi all - be gentle - first ever post. I have read other wonderful helpful, supportive threads and wanted your wise advice.

In a nutshell - I am absolutely gutted, too gutted to cry even, in total shock but my husband of over fifteen years has had an affair. At least 1 year long. Admitted he's besotted with her. She's (of course) at least 15-18 years younger than me and reckons they have a future together. Of course me and my children are the only stumbling blocks to their ultimate joy!

How could I have trusted him so completely and him betray me so cruelly? I sound like a victim there which I don't want to be. I found out a few months ago via indiscreet texts. I have told a few RL friends.

Parenthood wasn't his idea of fun tbh but now the children are more interesting he's much better with them. He doesn't want to move out (so he says now) as he "loves his children dearly".

Like many I truly believed we were very happy together, we have many common interests and hobbies, spend most of our weekends together, lucky enough to arrange regular nights out alone, even the odd weekend away, affectionate, talk about lots of things, active sex life (clearly wasn't enough), a great social life, I haven't "let myself go" etc. - clearly he wasn't happy or maybe he just fancied variety and she was there?

At the moment I'm hoping desperately for a "so sorry I can't believe I've hurt you this much, our family mean so much and I will endeavour to be a decent husband again" type speech. I won't ever forget but I could forgive if necessary to keep my family together. The children ADORE "family" time together, as do I. We are their world. My gut instinct is that apart from a few weeks apart they are back on. So I'm being betrayed yet further while I'm supposedly trying to get our lives back on track. Where does this leave me?

I keep hearing of marriages continuing with 10 yr + affairs rumbling alongside... how do people do that? For the Sake of the Children? Hoping one day the affair will fizzle out?
Maybe it is true love between them and he trots off happily to new life with younger woman and lives happily ever after?
Maybe he wants to have cake and eat it - ie familiar safe family life plus sex with glam young one?

I do love him so very much, always have, no wobbles ever - it's heart breaking to find out the number of times you've been told utter lies (our families, children, friends - all spun utter rubbish) and he is very good at lying, I didn't realise before but I guess thats part of an affair - being a crack shot at deceit.

The pain is horrendous at times.

Anyway any good advice greatly received.

A solicitor's appointment is essential.

I really fucking hate this man.

OP, read the rest of the Chump Lady website, if you have seen the Pick Me Dance.

Please stop letting yourself be humiliated. He is still shagging her while you wash his skiddy undies and try to compete for the booby prize that is him

Your children will not benefit from the lessons that you are both currently giving them. Gather up your self respect and tel him to Get To Fuck. I am sure Miss perky Tits will take him in, then watch Love's Young Dream hit the buffers.

if he won't physically leave, then separate your lives as much as you can for god's sake stop servicing him domestically and serve divorce papers

there is no other same course of action that doesn't crucify your self respect, and the respect of the people around you

But please tell somebody irl.. don't keep it a secret or it'll rip you to shreds.

He will leave you when he is ready. It may be in 10 years when the kids are older. It may be in 6 months when he has decided they are not as important as his sex with another woman.

Bottom line is he will leave you one day.

Every day this drags on will kill a little piece of you until there is nothing but a hollow shell.

Every day this drags on his visible contempt for you as a human being will increase.

You can get him out of the house.

Go and get legal advise. Get the ball rolling on a divorce and him having to leave the property.

You can stop this at at time if he realises what he is losing.

While you just put up and shut up he will never do so.

Your DC deserve a better home than to see this.

It might be worth telling him that as he won't leave, then you are going to live separately in the house.
We once bought a house from a divorcing couple who did this- so no cooking for him, no washing or laundry, no nothing.

IF you divorce and he won't admit to adultery then this separation even in the same house will count towards your 2 years.

Please also consider an STI test.

mummy told daddy not to live here any more - I've said it before;- your relationship with their father is none of the dc's business. They have a right to a relationship with him and vice versa, but your relationship with him is nothing to do with them. If he had the dc interests at heart, he would not be slagging you off to anyone, least of all the dc.

As a pp said - he doesn't get to call the shots. He had an affair - you can divorce him for it, without his 'consent'. You are entitled to separate if you want (and you should) , you will be entitled to half the assets of the marriage, regardless of what he says, you will be entitled to child maintenance for the dc from him... He stopped being able to tell you what to do/think/feel the minute he screwed another woman. (who is welcome to him, BTW)

Please stop saying 'i love him' - it isn't going to do you any favours. Even if he does 'come back' it'll be on his terms and you will never be allowed to mention it again, make any demands, he will always be the No1 person in your marriage. And he will continue to do whatever he wants.

Get angry instead, get legal advice, get your due. Get a nice life for you and the dc.

Agree- you need to see a solicitor- make it a good one. Get a refund on that underwear.

Then I think you need to front up and basically say "This marriage is over as far as I'm concerned. I'm filing on the grounds of your infidelity". Do not get sucked into the "pick me" dance. You're better than that. Then simply disengage.

"What's for dinner?"
"You know where the fridge is."

"Where are my shirts?"
"Where you left them"

If you don't want to answer, don't. If he gets even slightly threatening, call the police.

I would bet quite a lot that as soon as he realises you're leaving the game, he'll be begging you to reconsider. The rest is your choice, but given what you've said, there's more than the affair to worry about. He sounds like a nasty piece of work. I think you may well look back in 10 yrs time and think "God, what was I thinking?"

Good post captain. I agree with all of it.

I echo what AnyFucker says no duties done for him at all, he wants to stay because then You can clean and iron his stuff for his next date. Sadly unbeknown to me I've done this, and got conned in to washing the bedding from his mates shag pad as well .

Never again, and neither should you

YOu love the man he was.

Actually ... you're a little bit scared of him, I think

^no expensive messy divorce (he wouldn't be amicable, I know that & he knows that),....

I'm not allowed to ask too many questions as "it pisses me off". Charming.^

So you don't ask too many questions. Why not? Becuase you're scared of pissing him off? You don't think of divorce partly becuase you're intimidated?

As others say, stop servicing him. Stop washing his clothes, cookign for him, having sex with him. He doesn't want to leave? fine. Spare bedroom, his own life within the house.

Also, if he'll get nasty - start protecting yoru arse. File away your vital papers. Try quietly to take copies of his papers and all recorded assets.

Becuase he's going out shagging this younger woman. He's got a nasty streak. What's to stop him leaving and taking almost everything, leaving you in debt? Do you reallyl think he'll care, given how he's treating you now and plans to treat you in any divorce?

You got to watch your arse now.

Btw, don't be too sure the children haven't picked up on your unhappiness. Pretty perceptive, kids. Your husband has already affected them.

This is what happened when I discovered my husband's six-month affair with a colleague: I asked him to move out. He refused. I got him to move into the spare bedroom, which he did.

Most nights we 'talked' things through - which basically meant me waiting for an apology, remorse etc and him justifying why he'd lied and betrayed me, why monogamy was unnatural, etc. He claimed to have put his seedy relationship with OW 'on hold'.

Eventually after about 8 weeks he sorted out a place to live and moved out. Of course he got straight back together with OW. We're now getting divorced and I have met somebody else, so screw my husband and his ugly tart.

Of course, the kids were caught in the middle of everything and are still dealing with their own grief. But that didn't bother my husband, and now he acts like Superdad buying them loads of stuff and organising exciting trips every other weekend.

He really does sound like a heartless bastard though doesn't he? The Great I Am. The Grand Poobah. Sitting in his house making his you wait for him to decide if he wants you, while keeping the fancy bit on the side for a quick dip as and when.
What a high opinion he holds of himself indeed. Incredible.

See a solicitor... free half hour .... Don't tell him about it. Get all your ducks in a row before you do anything " legal ".

Stop " servicing " him in every way . No washing , cooking etc. and certainly not sharing the same bed . Tell him that you are no longer " married " in the conventional way so this is no longer part of your role .

Tell him ( stay strong here) that as he won't move out you must lead separate lives in future. Then make sure you arrange a few nights out for yourself ( even if you just go to the cinema by yourself ) and leave him to babysit .... he " loves " his children so much after all , so he won't mind doing this .

I don't think there is much of a chance he will decide to " pick " you in six months , a year , whatever . Even if he does , what are the chances of him doing this all over again with a newer model ?

There have been no consequences for his scummy actions so far , only for you .... so start the consequences for him . Tell everyone what is going on ... parents, friends etc. Get some support going for yourself .

Please, please fight back , for yourself and your children . He is using you as a childminder, housekeeper, sex slave .... You are acting as if you are powerless..... you aren't . Plenty of women have been in your position and gone on to lead happy and fulfilled lives . It's scary I know , which is why you need support from any quarter . He is relying on you feeling humiliated and scared to keep your mouth shut and put up with his shitty treatment . Put up some sort of fighting response , however small and you will find you get stronger and stronger.

You need support from friends and family and you need to start divorce proceedings, there's no way you should put up with him dilly dallying around while he decides what he wants, he has no respect for you. What about you a what you want and need, you need time to heal and maybe find someone who loves you properly and decently. Once you start divorce proceedings eventually there will be a decision about who stays in the house, how the money is split etc etc. If he tries to blame you make it clear to everyone that he had an affair for a year and then couldn't decide if he wanted his marriage or the OW, and you weren't prepared to put up with being betrayed. If he can be this callous he could do it again with someone else even if this affair ends. Please find some anger, nobody deserves this and I'm outraged by his actions on your behalf.

OP. It is commendable that you want to save the marriage, I have been there, I would have done anything, but the other party has to want to save the marriage as well. At the moment, your H is saying one thing and doing another. If he genuinely wants to save the marriage then he must stop seeing this woman, no contact, nothing.

He is not prepared to do those things, so that tells you what you need to know.

As others have said, you cannot physically throw him out of the house, but you can separate and you can live separately in the same house if you have room.

You can start calling the shots now, you can tell him what you want and you can tell him that the marriage is over because you are not prepared to hang around while he makes his choice. It would be better if he moved out, but if he won't then you need to separate your lives and he needs to look after himself from now on. As others have said, no cooking cleaning or anything domestic. Draw up a schedule for looking after the DC as you would if he lived elsewhere.

I know it is all so much easier said than done and your head needs to be in the right place to do it, but hopefully we can all give you something to be thinking about in order to start making some decisions.

Do please get some legal advice.

Just want to address one point.

There is only one thing to tell the children. Daddy met another lady he liked and married people aren't allowed to have two relationships so Daddy had to choose. I would have liked him to choose me but he chose the other lady. We both love you very much and are still your mummy and daddy.

This is what my mother said to me. I remember it very clearly. She never ever slagged off my father or my future stepmother at all but it was the honest truth and I never wondered what was going on. I knew why my home had broken up and whilst devastated there was no game playing, my father couldn't turn me against the mother because essentially I knew it was his choice and I built up separate relationships with both. I firmly believe it was much much easier than finding out years later which happened to a friend of mine.

Your DH won't like this but it is the truth.

Please don't let him dictate how your life is to be.

Gosh thank you lots of support.

Good point - I loved the man he WAS. Many of my friends would say he was rather cold, aloof and thinks a lot of himself.

Its too soon to make a decision now about anything, I don't feel strong enough today (or probably this month). I want to get children back to school, hear more options from wise RL friends and MNers and take it from there.

Friends wouldn't say I was wet or a push-over but he is a controlling type of man I now realise. When you think you are happy in a marriage you don't always see the full truth I now realise. Been together over 20 years and people do change as the years go by. He's not a fun, kind, jolly person thats for sure!

He's talked about having the children 50% time if we separated just to spite me and saying "you'll hate it, they might want to live with me when they are older full time". He knows how much I love being a mother (he wasn't neglected as we did loads together alone as a couple) so that's where he will try to get me. I am very worried. I need to feel strong before I do anything at all that will impact long term on me or my DC.

Please keep the advice coming, it's helping me feel more focussed.

And OP you MUST MUST MUST tell your family and friends what is going on. Do NOT let him humiliate you into keeping his dirty little secret. He won't want them to know as he doesn't want the consequences. But consequences are exactly what he needs right now. He needs to be shown that he is not (as another poster said) the "Grand Poobah." People will be disgusted at HIS behaviour, they will probably talk about HIM. But they will be SUPPORTIVE of you. And that's important.

No only does he have a very high opinion of himself, but he has a very low opinion of you Billy. Clearly he sees your place in life as secondary to his, and he thinks you will be happy to keep house and family together for him, while he comes and goes and does what he pleases including keeping his misteress/OW close to hand. He may be at home now but if/when it suits him to leave you he will. Your wants/needs/desires/dreams mean nothing to him, unless they impede on his fantastic life, and then he smashes/stamps/dampens them and puts you back in your place.

You deserve so so so much better than this Billy

Also he hasn't 'had' an affair - he is still HAVING an affair - it is ongoing.

Lots of amazing advice here. Please know that you aren't doing your best for the DC by staying in such a horrible relationship with this awful hateful excuse of a man. Would you want your daughter to stay in such a relationship at great personal expense to herself?

I hope you are on strike as of today if not before re cooking, cleaning, washing etc for him.

Billy70 that's a common threat - they know it will panic you "I'll take the children to live with me.." Seriously? You think he will want that? 3 kids when he's trying to set up a little "love pad" with his OW? The responsibility?

He's talked about having the children 50% time if we separated just to spite me and saying "you'll hate it, they might want to live with me when they are older full time". He knows how much I love being a mother (he wasn't neglected as we did loads together alone as a couple) so that's where he will try to get me.

Reverse psychology is your friend. "You're going to take the children 50% of the time? Great! They love being with you and that will really give me a break. I'll even have time to take up that evening class in salsa/rock-climbing/photography that I've always wanted to do!"

Show him you're not threatened and it is likely he will back off. (And also swiftly realise that having DCs 50% of the time will seriously eat into OW-time.)

He's talked about having the children 50% time if we separated just to spite me and saying "you'll hate it, they might want to live with me when they are older full time".

Oh the OW will be delighted with that I'm sure.

Remember this ShitHead's goal at the moment is to keep you in your place which is under his thumb doing what HE wants you to do. And he will say anything he thinks will help him achieve this goal.

it doesn't mean it is true. Remember he is immature and a skilled liar and manipulator - see that sentence above for what it is - a really nasty vile attempt to manipulate you.

And remember he is an arsehole who threatens to use his children against you - rather than put them first in a break up, he would rather tell them lies and hurt them to get at you. Not a great father!!

It is time to stop listening to him and start listening to some people who actually have your back, who have your best interests at heart. You know this ins't your H.

he is making empty threats re. the children as he knows that is your Achilles heel

he wants you to STFU and clean his house while he shags around

and atm, that is exactly what you are doing

stop listening to this cruel twat and get some concrete legal advice from a professional

this man thinks he has it all sewn up and he will if you let him. It is far more likely that if you are the primary carer for the dc, they will remain in residence with you and eventually ther will be the standard EOW and one evening midweek and he will pay towards their upbringing

he just wants to punish you, he has no intention of messing up Shagfest with a couple of needy kids

where is your anger ? Find it, and find it quick.

Get some legal advice and get angry fgs!