Gutted

[Billy70]

Hi all - be gentle - first ever post. I have read other wonderful helpful, supportive threads and wanted your wise advice.

In a nutshell - I am absolutely gutted, too gutted to cry even, in total shock but my husband of over fifteen years has had an affair. At least 1 year long. Admitted he's besotted with her. She's (of course) at least 15-18 years younger than me and reckons they have a future together. Of course me and my children are the only stumbling blocks to their ultimate joy!

How could I have trusted him so completely and him betray me so cruelly? I sound like a victim there which I don't want to be. I found out a few months ago via indiscreet texts. I have told a few RL friends.

Parenthood wasn't his idea of fun tbh but now the children are more interesting he's much better with them. He doesn't want to move out (so he says now) as he "loves his children dearly".

Like many I truly believed we were very happy together, we have many common interests and hobbies, spend most of our weekends together, lucky enough to arrange regular nights out alone, even the odd weekend away, affectionate, talk about lots of things, active sex life (clearly wasn't enough), a great social life, I haven't "let myself go" etc. - clearly he wasn't happy or maybe he just fancied variety and she was there?

At the moment I'm hoping desperately for a "so sorry I can't believe I've hurt you this much, our family mean so much and I will endeavour to be a decent husband again" type speech. I won't ever forget but I could forgive if necessary to keep my family together. The children ADORE "family" time together, as do I. We are their world. My gut instinct is that apart from a few weeks apart they are back on. So I'm being betrayed yet further while I'm supposedly trying to get our lives back on track. Where does this leave me?

I keep hearing of marriages continuing with 10 yr + affairs rumbling alongside... how do people do that? For the Sake of the Children? Hoping one day the affair will fizzle out?
Maybe it is true love between them and he trots off happily to new life with younger woman and lives happily ever after?
Maybe he wants to have cake and eat it - ie familiar safe family life plus sex with glam young one?

I do love him so very much, always have, no wobbles ever - it's heart breaking to find out the number of times you've been told utter lies (our families, children, friends - all spun utter rubbish) and he is very good at lying, I didn't realise before but I guess thats part of an affair - being a crack shot at deceit.

The pain is horrendous at times.

Anyway any good advice greatly received.

I understand that you want to work this out and 'be happy' OP. But you can't be happy with a man who's fucking someone else with no remorse.

Working it out could only happen with his full co-operation, full disclosure, full commitment.

Someone who revels in threatening to go for 50:50 custody just because you would 'hate' that, is not someone who is on your side, or interested in working with you.

Billy he wants you on the back foot, off-balance, defensive - because while you are like that you won't stand up to him and get angry about his behaviour. So he will say pretty much anything to keep you on the defensive. It is a diversionary tactic. If you can (and it is hard), try not to focus on what he is saying (as most of it will be bollocks), try instead to think about what he hopes to achieve by saying it. It is easier to dismiss the bullshit if you can see through it.

WOW - what an utter twat this vile man is.
Please, as others have said, absolutely stop doing anything for him.
No washing, shopping, cooking, cleaning. tidying, tea making, ironing, lunches, breakfast, dinner.
Nothing - NADA.
See how long he hangs around for then.
He's only there because he gets you to do all this for him and then goes off to shag his bit of stuff.

Please tell him it's fine to have 50/50 split of kids.
The OW will be gone like a shot if she thinks for one minute she has to raise 3 kids 50% of the time! Their nice cosy affair bubble - popped! Watch her run!!

STOP listening to his threats.
STOP sleeping with him
STOP doing the 'pick me' dance
Crikey, I can't believe you want anything to do with this sleazy, lying, cheating, scumbag.

Start telling people. Tell him as he won't move out you are telling family and friends all about his disgusting little secret.
Watch him squirm!

Time to get tough and time to get armed with information.
What you would be entitled to in assets, pension, savings etc...
What you would get in maintenance payments.
What you would get in tax credits, housing benefit, etc...
If you can speak to him from a position of strength he won't know what's hit him.

Sorry you are going through this but he sounds vile!
They are welcome to each other!

Jeez what a vile man. See a soilicitor and get divorce proceedings started asap. Seriously, this guy is no great loss whatsoever.
Has he ever been physically violent or threatening OP? He sounds like the type who would if he didnt get his own way.

OP, have you got a kick-ass mate among your friendship circle ?

Give her a call. Tell her everything.

He's talked about having the children 50%.

They ALL say that. It's to keep you frightened and in place. My ex said it. Guess what? He's had them overnight about three times in five years.

So you have two choices, stay with him whilst he carries on his affair (his preference) or file for a divorce.

You will lose your self respect by staying in this marriage. I understand you have children and life plans but if you're planning to stay for the childrens sake, who is to say that once they have reached a certain age he isn't going to run off anyway? I think that's inevitable if you stay.

If you go to a solicitor, stop doing his domestic chores, drop the wife act - then you might have a chance that he will suddenly realise what he is about to lose. His home, his kids and his wife. At the moment you have not demonstrated this to him.

The law states 50/50 as a starting point. He will have to pay maintenance for the children and it's likely you will get to reside in the marital home until the children have left FT education.

He wants the dc part time? What a joke. That would interfere in his love life so that threat can't be taken seriously.

Please don't carry on what you have been doing. Take a stand. Today.

Tell him if wants to remain in the house, he needs to tell the children what's going on, tell him you will be standing next to him while he tells them. If he wants it kept under wraps he needs to move out.

But yes, a trip to the solicitor. ASAP. And if you are reasonably wealthy make sure it's a good solicitor.

Yes...absolutely DO enthuse over his 50/50 childcare split. Tell him you've been thinking about it, and it might not be so bad.

Then cackle in glee as the impact of it all settles upon his oily little mind. What will Miss Perky Tits have to say about 3 kids 50% of the time? Nothing good I'll wager. Then he'll have egg on his smarmy, sadistic face, as he has to backtrack madly to get out of looking after his own children, the ones he uses to punish their mother with...because he loves them so dearly.

Yeah course it'll go 50/50. And I'm Kylie's body double too!
Sure thing.

Yes...absolutely DO enthuse over his 50/50 childcare split. Tell him you've been thinking about it, and it might not be so bad.

Leave a copy of Floodlight lying around - you know the publication that lists all the courses for adults. Highlight some - photography, rock climbing, creative writing etc. All the things you are imagining doing with 50% of your time. That will put the frighteners on him.

and never ever forget BILLY with someone like this saying and doing are completely different things.

Do you work, OP?

And how old are your children?

The 50% of the time is an empty threat! The young OW won't want that!

It takes guts to end a marriage but in this instance you need to find those guts!

I think 50:50 childcare and dividing all the assets 50:50 (incl his pension) is an excellent idea. I wish more women would opt for that.

Right now you have been sideswiped and you're not thinking straight, perhaps why you are still carrying on and thinking of ways to 'work through it'. This man is eating cake of the highest order and must must must be shown that this is unacceptable to you.
Echo what others have said, he doesn't want the kids 50/50, this is said to unbalance you as he knows that you would hate the kids 'shuffling' as you said, between two homes.
You will continue in your home with him having contact etc, that is the norm and don't be bullied into thinking he will somehow 'take' the kids from you. Please get a solicitor, it will help you no end to clarify your options and make what you have to do next not a terrifying prospect but a sensible and empowering reality.

Bite his cheating bollox off OP and get rid, let the OW have him and his messy part time dad crap will soon put an end to loves young dream for them.

Mt XH threatened to take DD off me. 2.5 years later he sees her EOW and that is all and now he is moving away. They all threaten it, but none of them actually want it.

Oh my love, I am so so sorry. Like the posters before me, I am really hoping that you start to get angry now. This man is a user and is treating you very very badly. You have rights as his wife, he is trying to lay the groundwork for an easy exit when it suits him. When you feel strong enough I urge you to

1. Seek legal advice - he may well 'hate' all that but you are married, have joint assets and for the sake of the children you adore, you must protect your financial security
2. Get real life support - your friends and family love you and will want to help you. Saying this out loud, seeing the reactions of people will help you to see that you have done nothing wrong and you deserve better than being treated like this
3. chalk everything he says from this point on as the actions NOT of the man you thought of as a loving husband, but of the classic cheater. You know that it is impossible for nothing to change - you must must get in front of this and be clear on what must absolutely change.

I am sorry to say it but also be careful in respect of your sexual health - if he has been playing away, you need to be safe.

And once you start playing hardball, he will change tactics. I guarantee it. He will then try the softly softly approach, trying to woo you back. Do NOT fall for it. He will do or say ANYTHING to keep you off balance and confused.

Get angry and start protecting your interests and those of your children.

Oh, and after that will be the "I can't live without you, I'm going to kill myself..." ... it just goes on and on.. they flip through tactics like normal people change socks....

I've been there, and believe me playing the nice card and waiting for him to 'make his mind up' will not serve you well. It just make you look pathetic and unattractive to him.

So, as others have said you need to toughen up, and start putting yourself first.

1. A trip to a solicitor, and a very good one if there are significant assets.
2. Start being a separate person, with a separate life. Arrange nights out, evening classes, trips to the gym, meals with friends, and ensure he is doing the childcare. In short stop pining for him and enabling his behaviour.
3. Tell your family and close friends. You have nothing to be ashamed of, unlike him. Nothing takes the shine of an affair like exposure. You will also need the support. My friends kept me sane, stop me moping, and helped me turn my life around. I owe them everything.
4. Split up. He should be the one to move out if you are the primary carer for the children. If he refuses, lead separate lives in the same house. Do not be tempted to play a stepford wife role, competing for his affections, he's checked out already, so needs to wise up and start looking after himself.

I know for a fact you'll read that and think no way, that'll just push him to her, and it might, but only if he is heading that way anyway. if he is having doubts taking his choice away will have quite the opposite effect. He'll start to panic over what he is losing. Do not cave in.

My marriage survived by the way, after a near divorce, and a complete change in both my and DH's attitudes. It works because after time apart, much talking, resolving of issues, and careful consideration we both decided we wanted to be together. It's been bloody hard though, and a very long bumpy road. If DH gave so much as a tiny indication he wasn't absolutely torn apart and disgusted with himself I'd run like the wind. Life's too short to sit waiting for your partner to walk out again, so don't stay unless you know that really isn't an option for him.

They ALL use the taking the kids as a weapon because they know the thought strikes terror in any mother.. my ex did it saw a solicitor, involved social services, worked on the kids to say they wanted it etc but I held my nerve and now my youngest is lucky to get twice a month with him and then I have to drop him off with a packed lunch and pick him up. Not saying he would lose interest but the kids won't fit into the fantasy his OW has got going on.

Please find your anger as has been said.

OP - don't worry about him 'taking ' the dc. As PPs have said, he won't want them, he just wants to hurt you. They all use it as a way of getting you to STFU and do as you are told, otherwise he will 'take' the dc.

No judge will let this happen.

Dear Lord, he sounds like an absolute wanker!

See a solicitor.

It doesn't mean you have to act on any advice they give you straight away, but it will make you feel a bit more in control and you will know where you stand in the event that either his Royal Highness decides to leave you, or you wake up and decide to divorce the fucker.

Good luck.

Tell someone you trust in RL ASAP. It's the first step in truly acknowledging this is really happening. Do not minimise or take any responsibility for his shocking behaviour.

If there is one step you must take it's kicking him out of your bed. Please do this today. Throw a sleeping bag on the floor somewhere if necessary. He has to face consequences for his actions. Do you think for one single second he would tolerate this situation in reverse? No. I thought not.

Someone dear to me told me that her DH had an affair that was long ago but some 20odd years later they were meeting for 'lunch' for old times sake. When she finally found out she told nobody and had a nervous breakdown. He did not deserve this protection. The only redeeming feature here was that he was truly remorseful and is still trying to make amends ten years on. Your H deserves nothing and as I say, must be shown that there are consequences and he is going to be facing them now and forever.

I'm so sorry. Keep posting. Keep strong and tell someone.

I'm sure that your first reaction to this is to defend your DH to complete virtual strangers and not want to hear him called all the names under the sun: if you admit he's a wanker then what does that say about you, having been with him for 20 years??? It's a criticism - indirectly- of your own judgement.

I can also understand why you want to save the marriage and say you love him- no one can turn off their feelings overnight when they have been in a long relationship and trusted the person.

It will take a long time to adjust because now you are in shock.

Anger will come, but you will go through all the stages slowly- like a bereavement.

As other people have said- tell people in RL which will help.

Focus on the purely practical and try not to think too much about the future and his feelings or the outcome.

If he knows that your parents, his parents and mutual friends all know, it will take the gloss of his affair and choices, and he will come down to earth pretty soon, IMO.