Gutted

[Billy70]

Hi all - be gentle - first ever post. I have read other wonderful helpful, supportive threads and wanted your wise advice.

In a nutshell - I am absolutely gutted, too gutted to cry even, in total shock but my husband of over fifteen years has had an affair. At least 1 year long. Admitted he's besotted with her. She's (of course) at least 15-18 years younger than me and reckons they have a future together. Of course me and my children are the only stumbling blocks to their ultimate joy!

How could I have trusted him so completely and him betray me so cruelly? I sound like a victim there which I don't want to be. I found out a few months ago via indiscreet texts. I have told a few RL friends.

Parenthood wasn't his idea of fun tbh but now the children are more interesting he's much better with them. He doesn't want to move out (so he says now) as he "loves his children dearly".

Like many I truly believed we were very happy together, we have many common interests and hobbies, spend most of our weekends together, lucky enough to arrange regular nights out alone, even the odd weekend away, affectionate, talk about lots of things, active sex life (clearly wasn't enough), a great social life, I haven't "let myself go" etc. - clearly he wasn't happy or maybe he just fancied variety and she was there?

At the moment I'm hoping desperately for a "so sorry I can't believe I've hurt you this much, our family mean so much and I will endeavour to be a decent husband again" type speech. I won't ever forget but I could forgive if necessary to keep my family together. The children ADORE "family" time together, as do I. We are their world. My gut instinct is that apart from a few weeks apart they are back on. So I'm being betrayed yet further while I'm supposedly trying to get our lives back on track. Where does this leave me?

I keep hearing of marriages continuing with 10 yr + affairs rumbling alongside... how do people do that? For the Sake of the Children? Hoping one day the affair will fizzle out?
Maybe it is true love between them and he trots off happily to new life with younger woman and lives happily ever after?
Maybe he wants to have cake and eat it - ie familiar safe family life plus sex with glam young one?

I do love him so very much, always have, no wobbles ever - it's heart breaking to find out the number of times you've been told utter lies (our families, children, friends - all spun utter rubbish) and he is very good at lying, I didn't realise before but I guess thats part of an affair - being a crack shot at deceit.

The pain is horrendous at times.

Anyway any good advice greatly received.

While on the surface that sounds noble and respectful it's really quite foolish and naive. Your husband has shown his true colours, he's broken your marriage vows and treated you in such a vile and contemptuous manner and yet you are still kowtowing to him like a good little wifey who seems to believe she deserves to be emotionally destroyed. You are letting him get away with everything and showing that you won't stand up for yourself. Now he knows you'll carry on looking after him, shagging him, taking his bullshit, believing his lies and empty threats he will never ever change.

I really do wish you the best in whatever choices you make but I also hope you lady up and LTB. You deserve better.

CheatingSucks no matter how frustrated we feel with OP's inaction and willingness to live in such a damaging situation, your post was un necessarily cruel and not at all constructive.

(I reported it earlier).

How is it not constructive?

If she thinks she can fix a marriage where the husband has had an affair for at least a year then she is foolish. Let's face it, it probably wasn't his first and now she has demonstrated that she will lie down and take it then it definitely won't be his last. She'll never trust him again and he'll never respect her (hell, if he ever has). By pretending it's not happening and trying to carry on like normal she's not protecting her children and their childhood, she's showing them that it's OK to be treated like shit and that is more damaging then having separated parents.

She needs to realise it's not right to be treated that way by him, that she is worth so much more.

I was in your situation 6 months ago. I too was desperate to try and 'work out' our marriage- although I kicked him out the night I found out I did everything I could to make him come back. I now consider myself lucky that my exH made the decision that he wanted to stay with the OW. Yes it was agony, he broke my heart. But you know what... I thought the kids wouldn't cope (age 7 and 3 at the time) but they did... I thought I wouldn't get a job, but I now have one that I love... I thought I'd never have another relationship, but I've been seeing someone new for 3 months now and it's fantastic.

Don't stay out of fear of the unknown, or misguided loyalty to the man you thought you trusted... that man is gone, your relationship will never be the same again, you will never trust him again. Life can be good on the other side!

Your friends in RL are telling you to stay for now? Some friends! Could they be telling you what you want to hear rather than how they really feel?

I do feel sorry for you and I know you're hanging on in there hoping against all the odds this woman goes away and your husband decides to sort himself out. But I fear that by tolerating what you have he will have lost every last shred of respect for you, after all most women at least say chose, then I will let you back. You seem to be almost pretending that it's not happening and are trying to keep up the happy family image.

This is a shame, you are not demonstrating admirable behaviour here, but I suppose you're afraid of the reality of the situation.

I feel as though you're digging your own grave by hanging on in there, I feel like you're certainly hanging onto a lifestyle more than anything else?

I agree with the message, CS but not the blatant name calling.

I don't think the language was that bad. Much worse has been said on MN.

It's clear why some posters feel strongly and very frustrated, and call the OP 'stupid' because there what seems like a lack of engagement with the content of most posts and the reality of the situation at home.

Billy at the start of this thread I asked if you were genuine. You assured me you were. The reason I asked is because although you write about what has happened, the language of your posts lacks emotion. I could accept this as shock initially, but as the thread has developed, there is still a lack of real emotion, anger, and engagement with your situation- and a reluctance to answer questions from posters, honestly and fully.

You seem - from your language and behaviour- to be detached from what is going on. Maybe you are the opposite of a drama queen, but you do appear very 'cool' and disengaged from the enormity of what is happening in your life, even though you say you are 'gutted'.

I don't know why you put some words in quotes eg 'official' - either you have seen someone 'official' ie a solicitor, or you haven't. And it's perturbing why you feel the need to be less than honest and open when you have asked for help.

What puzzles me most is your take on the situation: you think that by doing nothing, you are giving the marriage your best shot- and your children will thank you for that.

Can you say how ignoring the affair is going to do this?
How long do you intend to ignore it?
What do you hope the outcome will be in a month, 6 months , a year?
Genuine questions....

Then you may be in shock. Hence the rabbit/headlights approach.

Oh op, I do so hope the shock passes soon. It is torture to even read how badly he is abusing you - I dread to think how it is to be living it

You say it will be a huge lifestyle change for the kids if you split but that wouldn't necessarily be the case at all, particularly if it would mean the only difference would be that this vicious goblin would be out of your lives. As pp's have said, kids are not immune when they live in an environment like this: they just are breathing in the poison of this, because they are living in it. Please don't think they aren't. Like the rings in a tree showing it has been exposed to poison, this will be making an imprint on their souls. My kids are grown now and it is now obvious that this is the case.

What are you hoping for? Again, genuine q - how exactly do you hope this will pan out?

I'm definitely not ignoring the situation BUT I am dealing with it in my own way. I have plans, have researched options & am gathering my strength. Each day I get stronger. Definitely not been idle!
I will bow out now from this thread as I realise the "chuck him out immediately" line isn't for me and it seems only MN posters (well most) seem to think that is the only way to deal with things. What about quietly and efficiently planning so I'm fully prepared for the next stage in my life?
Thank you to everyone who posted, gave me their suggestions, life stories and support. It's been greatly appreciated and insightful. My RL friends are very supportive and do think, in our case, quietly biding my time IS the right thing to do - for a short while, at least.

I don't know if any of this is as it seems - your posts are completely vague - not like someone who genuinely wanted help.

I think biding your time is absolutely fine if you've decided it's over and you're planning your next moves. In that scenario, it's highly sensible.

But if you want the relationship to work, biding your time is less likely to be a successful strategy to get what you want, which is your husband back.

Good luck either way.

Stay strong OP. Your dh has mentally checked out of wanting to be with you. You know that right? No matter what he's done, he's not interested in being with you.

Many many women stay in a relationship that has died. They prefer to live in decay. You have one life, it can be a full and loving life led with integrity and honesty.

See this as a new chapter albeit a painful one but don't forget, there is nothing you can do to change him and get back to what it was like before.

Most of you are right. This is a nightmare. Be gentle with me. Please. As he wants a great Christmas with us all and a great New Year with friends, we've got more lights / lovely presents / affection / declarations of love abounding BUT I know he's still seeing her. I am truly gutted. I'm trying to stay strong for my children but this isn't easy. At all. They want us to be together (one tearful night they heard us talking and cried for hours about any potential break-up) and we WANT to be with them, together. Apparently I am loved, wanted, appreciated, respected etc. I have fantastic friends, who seem to be happily married, who want me to be truly appreciated. I think I have to see Christmas through - its my family we are spending most of the time with, who are brilliant and then see what the New Year brings. I'm told it will be different next year... I am struggling right now. I've been so strong for months. Kind words please. I can't cope with judgement right now.

Ok. You have a stark choice here.

Stay married and accept he will always have other women on the go. Some people can do that if the agreement is that he keeps them away from your house and away from your family.

Or, decide this is not good enough and divorce him.

I can't see any other options here.

Oh, and it won't be different in the New year. It will be exactly the same.

Oh Billy- this is heart breaking.
The only person I judge is your husband - and its not complimentary.
You mentioned friends being supportive -do your family know what has been happening ? If they don't - I think you need to let them know even if only in very vague terms that things aren't going so well for you & H. Play acting happy gamiles is exhausting - I know, have been there, and I have to say the healing process in large part started for me when I told my parents. They were so supportive & understanding.

I can understand you wanting to continue through Christmas but please please also have a plan for yourself to kick in for the New Year.

Just one other thing - not 100% sure who you mean loves, respects, wants you etc but if its your H, please don't be fooled. His definition of love & respect are not mine. He is using & abusing mercilessly someone who cares deeply for him. If I knew you in RL, I'd be tearing him a new one for Christmas.

My Christmas wish for you is that you find serenity & strength

I was in an abusive marriage years ago. At the time I thought it would get better but it didn't. Luckily for me my family and few friends (he had seen most of the off) were extremely frank with me and everyone advised me to leave and reassured me that it would be ok.

I cannot tell you that you are doing the right thing by staying. You are putting yourself last. What would you tell your DD to do in a situation like yours? Stop putting yourself last, you will get no respect by doing that and will always be treated like crap. Be your own support team and stand up for yourself.

Your DC will find out eventually and might question your decision to stick by him. Get legal advice. You will be able to stay in your home until the children finish full time education and you will be entitled to maintenance.

Don't worry about your DC seeing the OW she is not going to want them around. She wants to stay in her make believe world with her perfect man, with no messy, noisy, cheeky children.

I hope I am being kind to you but I completely disagree with your decision to allow yourself to be treated so badly by someone who does not give a damn about you.

You say you are staying for your children. They won't thank you. I don't believe you and think you are staying because you can't face the upheaval of leaving. The disruption won't last forever and your self respect will be intact.

You deserve so much more.

Billy, like you I have been playing 'the long game'. I should have ended our relationship four years ago (although he's been fucking around longer).

It really has become unbearable now.

Billy - do you intend to see a solicitor? It seems to me that the reason you don't wish to take action is because you are fearful. Fearful of not having your children 50% of the time. Fearful of possibly having to leave the house & not getting enough support payments etc. Fears that he has deliberately planted in you with his threats, so that he can remain in his cozy little life - having his cake and eating it too.

You do not have to make a decision this instant - but it would be wise for you to get legal advice so you know what the true situation would be (rather than what you are hypothetically fearing), should you choose to leave and have your own life with your children, seperate from that cruel, pig of a 'husband'.

I would like to debunk some of his claims right now for you. It is extremely, EXTREMELY unlikely he would get the children for 50% of the time. I just went through a separation from my DH in October. We did not go to court, we just drafted a separation agreement through our lawyers - but he wanted joint custody. HIS lawyer said he would not get it if it went to court, and was told not to waste time pursuing this. Like you - I have been a SAHM, and the agreement states I have custody of the kids, and his access is simply outlined (rotating weekends) with reviewability if he ends up getting accomodation where the kids could visit him more easily (but even in that scenario, it would probably only be one night in the week).

The support payments I am receiving from him takes a little over half of his net monthly pay (I was given child & spousal support). And now that I'm a single mom of two - my tax credits will be shooting up in January as well (I've also made arrangements to have the kids extra curricular activities subsidized, and I got subsidy for my rent as well. There are ways to make things work financially). I don't know that you'd get spousal support in a settlement (as ours was agreed through the lawyers...I could have gotten more if it wen to court, or possibly none at all), but I don't see why you wouldn't (I got it only being married 8.5 years, and I am turning 30 in a few months. My children are school age). Your factors make you more likely to be entitled to it.

Courts ALWAYS rule in favour of what is best for the children. And in this scenario, that would be for you and the children to remain in the home, since you are their primary caregiver, and for him to move out. It is not his home. A judge would not uproot the kids. Ditto the stuff in the house. Maybe there will be things he will take with him, but I don't think he'd get half of everything, keeping in mind that you and the children will need more items since there are more of you than just him on his own in another place.

Let's discuss the likeliness of him reducing his income to have to pay you less. Whatever his current salary is - he'll likely be living off of only 40-50% of it and you get the rest. If he chops that down, he'll have significantly less to live on too. That's not exactly an intelligent move for him to make (although I don't know what his income level is). It also makes it less likely for him to be able to care for the children, and all their extra expenses assuming the unlikely event that he could have them 50% of the time.

At any rate - you really should see a solicitor so you have the facts and know what you'd be facing in a separation. The fact that he is actively making these threats suggests that it would be the complete opposite...and he's trying to scare you out of doing anything.

Also - if you choose to stay - please make the decision knowing that your husband does not love you, and will continue to do as he pleases. You will never have a happy marriage with him. I don't mean to be harsh - but his current actions are screaming this loud and clear. You deserve so much better than this. Yes things may be tricky for a bit with a split, but you will be happier long term. And yes you will miss your children on rotating weekends...but maybe you can eventually come to appreciate those times and regain some 'you' time. I'm a SAHM too so I understand not wanting to separate from your children, but it honestly doesn't hurt to have some space sometimes. Do your kids ever sleep over at their grandparent's? As they get older will they want to do sleep overs at friend's houses? They can't be with you all of the time, so having them go with their dad (as crap of a person he is) is just the way it goes.

He probably also won't be a good dad and keep up on all his access. They all threaten to take the children at first and put on a show...and it fades out. Their access becomes less and less. By the sounds of it you do everything. When reality of their care sinks in (especially as he's trying to have fun with his OW), he'll likely fade out. Don't focus or count on the kids spending a great deal of time with him.

And ext time he mentions wanting the kids 50% of the time, maybe smugly mention how great it will be to have all that extra kid-free time to date. See how he likes that! He really is appalling.

But please, whatever you do - at least find out what you are legally entitled to so you are not being bullied into a decision by his empty threats.

Hi Billy
I totally agree with mom2k - please get some legal advice.
You have also mentioned your little ones being upset. Kids get upset when things are uncertain - they want and need certainity even if it isn't 'ideal'.
So telling them that mummy and daddy aren't going to live together, that they will be staying with mummy and visiting daddy will give them certainity. They of course will be picking up on all the unhappiness in the house - you will not be able to hide it from them - trust me on this. It's taken my DD 2-3 yrs to get to trust her dad following his depression and even now it's still not 100% although she's 15 so we've git all the teenage angst going on as well.

Staying in a desparately unhappy relationship does no one any good.

If you stay you will continue to feel like this, surely you deserve to be happy? Surely your kids want to have a happy mum? How much longer are you going to let him walk all over you and continue to treat you like this? You will become ill, is he really worth that? The man is a knob, please find the strength to get legal advice and plan a future that doesn't have him in it, the kids WILL be ok.

It will never get any better, ever.

He will always have other women on the go, always.

No one likes change and everyone fears the unknown but you need to get serious legal advice and SOON. Seek advice on everything you can, contact CAB or someone too, they can probably help.

If your husband loves his children, he won’t see them without a home or out of their home. You are legally entitled to probably a lot so again, please stop worrying.

It will no doubt be messy for the first few months, but my god, you will look back in a few months and wonder why on earth you didn’t leave sooner.

You will also meet someone else who will NOT stray, for seemingly no reason other than his own ego.

You are his doormat, he walks all over you and doesn’t respect you and whilst that’s the case, he won’t love you. FGS, get some self-respect and take control of this situation.

Also, if you can get evidence of his adultery, that will surely go in your favour in the divorce courts?

How sad this thread is.

Anyfucker is right - there are two choices available to you OP, neither of which will be easy but a choice must be made.

You've given the first choice (staying, putting up, shutting up) a good try - 3 months of trying this. How do you feel? As though this is something you can tolerate for the rest of the childrens' childhoods - how long is that BTW? Until they leave FT education or until they're 18 or 21? Or is it when the final child moves out?

You talked earlier this year about not wanting to damage their childhoods but here you are talking of their tears when they heard you talking with their father. The damage you speak of is already happening. We all love our children, you sometimes talk as though you need to explain that to us, just how much you're prepared to "sacrifice" for them. It's wrong though, you have it twisted. One of the best gifts you can give your children is a strong role model to look up to, someone they will be able to respect for the rest of their lives.

Now to the second choice, the scary one. Separation. How can it hurt to start putting out feelers? Getting the information you need to leave this sham of a marriage. One free solicitors appointment, one call to the tax credit people, a thread here in legal maybe to reassure you about the financial aspects.

No judgement here of you. It is difficult to leave an abusive relationship (I make no bones about it, this is abusive) and I hope you find the strength to at least start looking at taking your second option.

Do you know what why I've been thinking it's abuse too, he's bullying her into staying.