Gutted

[Billy70]

Hi all - be gentle - first ever post. I have read other wonderful helpful, supportive threads and wanted your wise advice.

In a nutshell - I am absolutely gutted, too gutted to cry even, in total shock but my husband of over fifteen years has had an affair. At least 1 year long. Admitted he's besotted with her. She's (of course) at least 15-18 years younger than me and reckons they have a future together. Of course me and my children are the only stumbling blocks to their ultimate joy!

How could I have trusted him so completely and him betray me so cruelly? I sound like a victim there which I don't want to be. I found out a few months ago via indiscreet texts. I have told a few RL friends.

Parenthood wasn't his idea of fun tbh but now the children are more interesting he's much better with them. He doesn't want to move out (so he says now) as he "loves his children dearly".

Like many I truly believed we were very happy together, we have many common interests and hobbies, spend most of our weekends together, lucky enough to arrange regular nights out alone, even the odd weekend away, affectionate, talk about lots of things, active sex life (clearly wasn't enough), a great social life, I haven't "let myself go" etc. - clearly he wasn't happy or maybe he just fancied variety and she was there?

At the moment I'm hoping desperately for a "so sorry I can't believe I've hurt you this much, our family mean so much and I will endeavour to be a decent husband again" type speech. I won't ever forget but I could forgive if necessary to keep my family together. The children ADORE "family" time together, as do I. We are their world. My gut instinct is that apart from a few weeks apart they are back on. So I'm being betrayed yet further while I'm supposedly trying to get our lives back on track. Where does this leave me?

I keep hearing of marriages continuing with 10 yr + affairs rumbling alongside... how do people do that? For the Sake of the Children? Hoping one day the affair will fizzle out?
Maybe it is true love between them and he trots off happily to new life with younger woman and lives happily ever after?
Maybe he wants to have cake and eat it - ie familiar safe family life plus sex with glam young one?

I do love him so very much, always have, no wobbles ever - it's heart breaking to find out the number of times you've been told utter lies (our families, children, friends - all spun utter rubbish) and he is very good at lying, I didn't realise before but I guess thats part of an affair - being a crack shot at deceit.

The pain is horrendous at times.

Anyway any good advice greatly received.

This is a very tragic thread.
OP you are wasting your life -living in a pretend marriage playing the pick me dance while your husband carries on with shagging the OW.
Please make 2015 the year where you grow a backbone and get rid. Your DC's will be picking up on what is going on at home-don't fool yourself thinking they are not aware.
Where oh where is your self respect and self worth. I am amazed anyone in RL would tell you to hang in there-if you were my friend l would have told you yo get shot long long ago.

Ah well. If he has unloaded the dishwasher and bought presents, that certainly makes up for him screwing around and treating you with undisguised contempt.

You aren't lucky he's given you a second chance. OW clearly doesn't want to sign up for reduced income childminding time, so H has to browbeat you into a state of pathetic gratitude - this means he continues to get his free housekeeping and childcare service , he gets to carry on with OW, nobody in real life finds out what a slimeball he is ; most importantly, you don't get to move on with your life or make your own decisions. He needs you to be compliant and grateful, because your presence smooths the path to his love nest. Life with ow would get a lot trickier without you facilitating it.

Worst-case scenario in my view was always going to be what has actually transpired. He appears to have decided to hang around for a while, as it currently suits him, and the OP is hoping against hope that they can pretend none of this ever happened. The affair is a side-issue, I think; much more of an issue is the deeply unpleasant man this situation has revealed. How could anyone wish to remain married to such a person?

If you won't LTB then at least get yourself a OM, one who will treat you with respect.

Evening - I know this is far from perfect but I am biding my time and truly hoping he will want ME for ME again. He says it was (past tense his use of the affair) payback time for his years of unhappiness. He is very stubborn and child-like at times (lots of foot stamping) and there is nothing I can do to change that as much as I'd like to! I do have self respect and worth but for now, I intend to wait, gather my strength and create a calm happy life for me and my children and not dwell on him all the time. He is lying to us both, I know that, the OW and me. I know he is still seeing her. Our children are happy, very well cared for and we do lots together as a family - in fact 90% of our spare time is all spent happily together doing hobbies, homework and I am taken out to meals where we laugh together, and other time spent alone as a couple cooking together, relaxing, doing sport together. OW would hate that. Its an awful situation I find myself in. I'm not prepared to throw in the towel now when I know we have lots going for us together & could have a great future. He talks again now about our future together which he didn't do before. By chucking him out months ago I might have been too hasty. Its a gamble and I'm doing it my way. I hope some of you can understand that. We may be together (without the OW) in a few years time but we may not. I'm fully aware of that. He is now seeing a counsellor for his own issues which is a step in the right direction. He says he needs help for various issues.

Oh god
I read the OP, realised it was old and came straight to latest post hoping it was an "I've had a great Xmas, I've really turned the corner without him" update.
Sadly not.

It's one thing to try again after an affair.
It's quite another to be so desperate to make it work that you let him carry on fucking another woman.

You poor poor woman

This is the most depressing thread I've read in a long time

Hi OP,

Sorry you're in this situation. My question is: Are you getting any counselling for yourself? I think it would really help you handle the situation and find a way of deciding what you would like. It can really help especially if you feel your friends have heard enough (although I'm sure they don't think that) Best of luck.

I can't understand why you think playing this pick me dance will make him suddenly want you again. He has not only got his cake and eating it - he is making trifle out of it as well.

Why do you think this is all you deserve. Is your self esteem really that low? I second getting counselling for yourself.

This model you are showing your children - what would you say to them if in 20 years time they discover their partner having an affair. Would you encourage them to put up and shut up? I doubt it.

I did have counselling before Christmas but having a break now. Counsellor knew of lots of other women in my situation - a conscious decision that worked for them for a period of time. Some stayed together into old age and re-formed a different marriage that worked for them and others left when children grown up. Counsellor is 60's so seen lots of situations. This (forced upon me) lifestyle works for me at the moment, I would be more depressed handing my children over for 50% of their childhood to an untrustworthy husband and very young OW. That would hurt me way more.

you literally can not be for real.

We are a great couple

Seriously? Seriously??

You asked in your original OP in September how people kept marriages going for years with an affair going on. Well now you know the answer.

I will add to the chorus - this isn't going to turn out how you hope and it's just going to cause you more pain and regret tolerating this set up

By the way, while you are playing at pretending Happy Families "for the children", they will be perfectly aware something is going on. Children are extremely sensitive to things and, even if they don't know exactly, they'll have an idea something isn't right. As they get older, they'll work it out.

You have agreed to have an open relationship then? If he you are happy with this then fair play. But do find an attractive man to fuck on the side yourself. Your hubby can mind the children and have some proper daddy time while you do so.

And yes, the older the children are, the more they will pick up on. When they are older, If one of them gets curious and snoops through his phone or e-mails, they will know what he's been up to. Your own children could end up having no respect for you or pitying you if they realise you knew all along. It could also give them an unhealthy view of relationships. If you do want go with other men, this is different. That's more of a ugh my parents are swingers type reaction, where at least they won't be feeling sorry for you/thinking you were a mug.

www.pof.com/

You will definitely all three of you be still together in a few years time unless the OW has the sense to pull the plug. What a life.

I feel sorry for you. It might help if you create a post asking for experiences of others who decided to stay in a marriage where there was three people instead of two.

Their stories etc might be of use.

I could say all sorts about your set up but you have made your mind up and you feel you are doing what is right for you and the children. Some marriages can overcome affairs but what I can't get my head around is how your husband can respect you when he knows you want him so much that you will let him do whatever he wants, with whom ever he wants. What must he think?

You must face the truth at some point but I get it that you just aren't ready.

OP are you French ?

God help you in a few years when your children have left home and there's just you and him. If he's still around that is.
I too adore my children and love spending time with them but you seem to be clingy over yours and using them and your lifestyle as a reason to put up with this oaf.
Your kids are at school now. Get a job and some independence.

I remember this thread being one of the first things I read on MN. Is it for real? I really hope not. I so hope it's a wind up. Unfortunately, I feel it isn't, and someone is actually living this horrible life with this horrible man.

Rofl @ wicked

Seriously OP, WHYYYYYYYY?

Please tell me you are not having sex with him.

I hate to be mean, but you sound like you've read too many romantic novels. Love doesn't conquer all. And every day you stay, your self esteem is being attacked.

How long you gonna give him? Until you are rattling with ADs? Until OW gets pregnant? Until he's obliterated your self worth completely?

You do know he's broken the marriage contract?

utterly and totally depressing

It's all been said, op ain't listening