Gutted

[Billy70]

Hi all - be gentle - first ever post. I have read other wonderful helpful, supportive threads and wanted your wise advice.

In a nutshell - I am absolutely gutted, too gutted to cry even, in total shock but my husband of over fifteen years has had an affair. At least 1 year long. Admitted he's besotted with her. She's (of course) at least 15-18 years younger than me and reckons they have a future together. Of course me and my children are the only stumbling blocks to their ultimate joy!

How could I have trusted him so completely and him betray me so cruelly? I sound like a victim there which I don't want to be. I found out a few months ago via indiscreet texts. I have told a few RL friends.

Parenthood wasn't his idea of fun tbh but now the children are more interesting he's much better with them. He doesn't want to move out (so he says now) as he "loves his children dearly".

Like many I truly believed we were very happy together, we have many common interests and hobbies, spend most of our weekends together, lucky enough to arrange regular nights out alone, even the odd weekend away, affectionate, talk about lots of things, active sex life (clearly wasn't enough), a great social life, I haven't "let myself go" etc. - clearly he wasn't happy or maybe he just fancied variety and she was there?

At the moment I'm hoping desperately for a "so sorry I can't believe I've hurt you this much, our family mean so much and I will endeavour to be a decent husband again" type speech. I won't ever forget but I could forgive if necessary to keep my family together. The children ADORE "family" time together, as do I. We are their world. My gut instinct is that apart from a few weeks apart they are back on. So I'm being betrayed yet further while I'm supposedly trying to get our lives back on track. Where does this leave me?

I keep hearing of marriages continuing with 10 yr + affairs rumbling alongside... how do people do that? For the Sake of the Children? Hoping one day the affair will fizzle out?
Maybe it is true love between them and he trots off happily to new life with younger woman and lives happily ever after?
Maybe he wants to have cake and eat it - ie familiar safe family life plus sex with glam young one?

I do love him so very much, always have, no wobbles ever - it's heart breaking to find out the number of times you've been told utter lies (our families, children, friends - all spun utter rubbish) and he is very good at lying, I didn't realise before but I guess thats part of an affair - being a crack shot at deceit.

The pain is horrendous at times.

Anyway any good advice greatly received.

OP - you are giving yourself a disaster scenario for breaking up. If you split up I can't imagine that you would have to hand over your children for '50per cent of their childhood'. I think the technical term for that is catastrophising' (?) I think that's very unlikely to happen, if you are the primary carer at the moment and your children are young. I think you are giving yourself the worst case scenario in an attempt to make the idea of staying with your cheating H more desirable/morally imperative. It is easy to see why you might do this, but the picture you give yourself is not the likely outcome.

Maybe you could repair your marriage, but in your shoes it would be difficult to me to have any respect for a man like this. Surely your friends and family think he is an utter toerag? They must be sickened by his behaviour towards you and the dcs.

Yeah AF, I think we're straws in the wind here.

Family and friends are disgusted with him! I'm not French. I'm disgusted at myself for becoming this woman. His counsellor has told him that trust has gone and needs to be rebuilt. Of course counsellor has been told (so i'm told, so is it true?) that OW is long gone. It's an utter mess, I know that. Can't believe OW will tolerate this waiting game for ever? Would prefer her to be the one to force a decision as he will only resent me further for "pressurising him". I know, I know it doesn't make sense. Other peoples marriages rarely do. He says he will tell our children how ghastly I was so they won't dislike him, if they find out later about his affair. He has thought about it all.

I think it's time to say..... LTB!

Hi OP,

It's true, other people's marriages rarely make sense, but I think the fear is that you will be destroyed by this. I know it's getting a bit vexed on this thread, but everyone wishes you well and is urging you to be strong. The path you have chosen has no dignity. You are showing him that you do not need to be respected.

Don't be disgusted at yourself, get proud of yourself and find a lioness under all that hurt. Your children need you to be a lioness at least - can't you do that for them? This is not how you deserve to be treated. They will see that you are like a beaten dog, dragging yourself around. I should think they want to hear you roar, a roar that will echo down the years as the moment mum said 'enough is enough.'

Your children will not hate you. They know you. They are not stupid. They will see through any attempt he makes to turn them against you.

Why can't he leave and make up his mind somewhere else at the very least? The alternative is torture. Yours.

Forget about his counsellor/what he's saying to his counsellor/what the counsellor is saying back, or how the OW might or might not decide your future. Don't put your future into the hands of others - grab it back for goodness' sake.

Of course he's seeing a counsellor. It's so he can get you to feel sorry for him, it's not his fault he cheated he's just got too many "issues."

It sounds like he's eroded your self esteem into the ground. You're lucky to be given a second chance, it's payback...WTF?! If he was that unhappy he should have spoken to you about it not played childish games of payback. And bollocks to him being unhappy. If he was that unhappy, would he still be playing happy families with you right now? Of course he wouldn't. He sounds like he's living the life of Riley.

If you split, I very much doubt your children would spend 50 per cent of their time with him. I can't imagine he'd be able to cope with them on his own for any great length of time. And aside from the affair, you've painted a not very good picture of him here (foot stamping? From a grown man? Really?), he sounds horrid. The childish sulking would be more than enough reason to leave him.

It sounds like you've made your decision and I hope it works out for you. I'm not saying this to be cruel but I wonder how your children will feel when they're older if they find out that their dad had an affair for years and mum knew all about it and let it carry on. Is that the sort of example you want to set for your children, that you should lose all self respect in relationships? I can't imagine how hard it must be for you and it's obvious you're desperate to carry on playing happy families like nothing has happened but where's your payback for what he's done? Don't feel guilty for potentially splitting up your family, this was HIS choice. But as it appears you're now in an open marriage, I would in all seriousness tell him that you will be seeking an OM from now on. It's only fair.

Just seen your post about him wanting to use your children against you. Arsehole. How can you even stand to be in the same room as him?! He can say as much crap as he likes but children aren't stupid and you can say that even if you were awful, that is no justification for an affair and if he was that unhappy he should have just left.

OP I am the poster who told you that I had a mother like you and I ended up furious with her for putting up with it all, and for making me tolerate her crappy marriage too. The physical toll of her choices killed her at 59. My father lives a very comfortable life, travels the world with his new wife and can do whatever he likes. Leave him.he won't even notice.

Where is your anger OP?

Did it get beaten out of you as a child?

I have to assume you suffered extreme neglect or abuse growing up which taught you that standing up for youself was pointless.

Why aren't you protecting yourself from this hideous man and situation. You are using your children to hide behind, using them as an excuse to avoid standing up for yourself.

Your children are going to learn some very twisted emotional lessons herw.

He's playing you like a fiddle.

It's going to affect your children. It has to. Unless you're all robots.

Well, you know he lies. To everybody.

He is blackmailing you into toeing the line by making threats to lie to the children about you. That isn't how a good father behaves.

And he behaves like a petulant toddler , throwing tantrums and stamping feet- why am I not surprised?

BTW, I doubt you need worry about your children spending 50% of their time with H and OW. As soon as the coast is clear for H to be with OW permanently, the pair of them will barely remember that your children exist.

I think you may be delusional to the amount of power you have over the situation. You and your children are being disrespected and used by this selfish man who you call husband and father. He's not either really is he?
Eventually you will hopefully read back your posts about co hosting and dishwashers and cringe.
But at least you'll be living in the real world.
How do you think this reads to younger women reading your thread? Would you want this for your daughter?
Where is your anger?
Playing the surrendered wife just won't work.

He says he will tell our children how ghastly I was so they won't dislike him, if they find out later about his affair.

This is, what, your pillow talk? Your whispered sweet nothings when you go out on fake dates, pretending to be the perfect couple?

Or, do you have these chats where he tells you this stuff over cornflakes? At the end of the evening when the kids are in bed...?

And what's your response to these lite titbits? 'Yeah, OK, that makes sense, yes, why don't you tell them that'.

I just can't fathom it. You are living a great big fat lie, where neither or you even vaguely like each other, let alone love and cherish each other.

Change the locks.
I am so sorry to read of your heartbreak. :( If he won't leave i thinking changing the locks is the best you can do to make him understand its now on your terms.

OP, you seem almost to revel in this martyrdom and the toll it's taken on you ("I'm thinner, lol!") and the responses of most right-minded people on here. I wonder if you just like being Poor Me. It's a much more sympathetic role than Ballsy Chick but Ballsy Chicks have a better life, generally.

This man is a crapbag of the highest order. Why you would even consider staying with him is beyond me. Don't say it's for the children - children don't like living in situations like this. I begged my mother to leave and take me, and she never would or could.

He's not being a husband, in any sense of the word, so stop being a wife. No laundry, no cooking, no shared laughter because you're a "great couple" (you aren't), and no, absoluely no silk-panted sex. And get a bit of bloody self-respect.

"pisses him of when u ask questions" really op. Think u the one entitled to be pissed of here. Don't let him stay, its sole destroying! You an you children will be happier without him.

Do you not think you are worth anything? How can you consider staying with this bastard? His respect for you, his precious childrens' mother, is less than zero, and probably plummeting the whole time you allow this 'amicable living together' situation to continue. Ask anyone whose parents stayed together for their kids, and they would prefer them to have separated as the misery of growing up in such a bad atmosphere is horrible.

You have had so much good and sympathetic advice on this thread but you're not listening. You are worth something and are worthy of being loved and of happiness, but not with this shitbag.

we have lots going for us together & could have a great future whilst at the same time he says he'll tell the children how ghastly you were. You have a warped idea of "lots going for us". Nothing you say about him makes me think he has any love for you. All this being a couple shit is just him biding his time, so he can leave on his own terms. Or just so he can have his cake and smother it all over his body to be eaten off.

I am biding my time and truly hoping he will want ME for ME again

Which version of 'Me' are you talking about? The 'Me' that existed before responsibilities kicked in? The 'Me' that plays happy families knowing that her husband is being sexually and emotionally intimate with another woman? Or, the 'Me' that knows she is being bullied and controlled.

You're not biding your time, what you're doing is not rocking the boat, in the hope that this selfish skirt chasing bully becomes the husband you desperately pretend he is.

It's your prerogative to stay in this marriage (well, as long as its convenient for your H) but while you sit back and allow this selfish and entitled man dictate the terms of your marriage, your needs will ultimately never be met.

Biding your time crossing your fingers isn't a strategy.

The only way he will ever want you again is if you kick him out and show him what he has lost. Where is your self respect and pride. While you stay there being his doormat while he sleeps with her you have no chance. Are you still having sex with him? Have you had STI testing?

You said you've had presents / attention / going on dates. He got all these ideas from his plaything. You are now getting the OW treatment. He obviously finds it easy to treat women as a buyable commodity.
Do you enjoy being the OW?

Cabrinha I did the same thing . I actually scrolled down expecting a tall tale about gradual marital demise (cynical,sorry). But I see it's just in the same place it started.

Billy fwiw (zero, it seems) you have a very unusual take on staying strong and protecting your family. I don't think your dc will thank you for keeping an unhappy marriage together. It's such a shame for them to grow up thinking that this is how relationships work and this is how it's acceptable to treat other people. If you think they won't find out you're being naive. These things do come to the fore, often in adulthood, maybe even after death. It helps make sense of a lifetime of unhappiness. It doesn't help forgiving it after the fact.

Don't expect gratitude from dc for keeping the family together for their sakes.

Just to spout a final cliche, you only get one life. I wonder how you would feel if one of your dc had to live the life you are opting for?

I gather from the AF last post that this thread has rather been done to death in the chorus of LTB to a lot of "lalalala I'm not listening." Whatever perks up a miserable existence.

Wow so she hasn't reacted how you all want her to so you are going to wash your hands of her, or berate her.

nicely done.

This is one of the worst threads I have ever read on MN. I actively hope that you're a troll rather than a woman so shell-shocked that you think you're winning something by keeping this utter cock.

If he won't leave, I suggest you phone the OW, tell her she's a cunt and that she can have the booby prize, you don't want him. Then SHE'LL be the one nagging him to leave and maybe he will, for at least ten minutes until he realises he has FUCKED HIS LIFE UP! At this point he may return on hands and knees begging for forgiveness which will give you some leverage if you really want to hang on to him. But hopefully by then you'll laugh in his face.

What do you suggest then, Norest? A round of supportive applause?

It's like watching a road accident in slow motion.