Gutted

[Billy70]

Hi all - be gentle - first ever post. I have read other wonderful helpful, supportive threads and wanted your wise advice.

In a nutshell - I am absolutely gutted, too gutted to cry even, in total shock but my husband of over fifteen years has had an affair. At least 1 year long. Admitted he's besotted with her. She's (of course) at least 15-18 years younger than me and reckons they have a future together. Of course me and my children are the only stumbling blocks to their ultimate joy!

How could I have trusted him so completely and him betray me so cruelly? I sound like a victim there which I don't want to be. I found out a few months ago via indiscreet texts. I have told a few RL friends.

Parenthood wasn't his idea of fun tbh but now the children are more interesting he's much better with them. He doesn't want to move out (so he says now) as he "loves his children dearly".

Like many I truly believed we were very happy together, we have many common interests and hobbies, spend most of our weekends together, lucky enough to arrange regular nights out alone, even the odd weekend away, affectionate, talk about lots of things, active sex life (clearly wasn't enough), a great social life, I haven't "let myself go" etc. - clearly he wasn't happy or maybe he just fancied variety and she was there?

At the moment I'm hoping desperately for a "so sorry I can't believe I've hurt you this much, our family mean so much and I will endeavour to be a decent husband again" type speech. I won't ever forget but I could forgive if necessary to keep my family together. The children ADORE "family" time together, as do I. We are their world. My gut instinct is that apart from a few weeks apart they are back on. So I'm being betrayed yet further while I'm supposedly trying to get our lives back on track. Where does this leave me?

I keep hearing of marriages continuing with 10 yr + affairs rumbling alongside... how do people do that? For the Sake of the Children? Hoping one day the affair will fizzle out?
Maybe it is true love between them and he trots off happily to new life with younger woman and lives happily ever after?
Maybe he wants to have cake and eat it - ie familiar safe family life plus sex with glam young one?

I do love him so very much, always have, no wobbles ever - it's heart breaking to find out the number of times you've been told utter lies (our families, children, friends - all spun utter rubbish) and he is very good at lying, I didn't realise before but I guess thats part of an affair - being a crack shot at deceit.

The pain is horrendous at times.

Anyway any good advice greatly received.

Where have you disappeared off to again, OP ?

I had a mother like you, who stayed despite a lot of affairs. Im afraid I ended up really angry with her, and my dad and was all round screwed up by the situation. It still affects me every day (mid 40s now).

What did your husband say to the children when they were crying? Have you demanded that he stop seeing his OW?

In your position I would tell him to make the most of Christmas because its the last family one there's going to be, and its all his fault. Boot him out and give yourself and your children a happier future. You will be surprised how quickly you get over him and you deserve better than this.

So sorry this is happening to you. If you have not done so, please, please tell your family at Christmas that your h is having an affair. Don't protect him, he doesn't deserve it one tiny bit. Be open about it. He wants it to be a part of your marriage? So ok, no secrets necessary. Let him be embarrassed and deal with what other people make of a man who treats his wife and children this way.

Sending you all good wishes and the hope that you will find the strength to stand up to this bully. And maybe consider what you might feel/ advise if one of your dc were in this position one day? Put up and shut up? I don't think so.

I think this goes much deeper than the affair. OP seems paralysed with fear.

I think infidelity is obviously an abuse of trust and is therefore an abusive way to behave, but I sense much darker things in this marriage. The cruelty, the callousness, the mind games. Yuck, this bastard has done quite the number on the OP. Poor thing.

I recently left - yet another - dodgy relationship. Luckily I'm pretty hardened to it all now and my friends are not afraid to give me the full on, no holds barred truth. So all that foggy feeling in my head (AIBU? SURELY he doesn't mean this to control and manipulate me?) didn't get a chance to take a good hold and I ended it and went No Contact. I still found it scary though and that was without the relationship being a long one with children to consider.

I hope OP comes back soon, not after another three months of wretched unhappiness.

Thank you for all your wise words. I do read them all and take it on board. My children are young - all under 10. He INSISTS she is long gone. Gets very angry if I even suggest she may still be around. She is nearly 20 years younger than me. The only plus side is that I am now so tall and thin that I do look a lot better than I did 6 months ago!!!! Sorry that is a shallow thing to say. I am going to give my children a great Christmas. Overall the atmosphere in the house is quiet and considerate, even loving as lots of kisses going on. I know - its utter madness. One day I will look back on this period of my life and wonder what on earth I was doing. I know that. Just needed to off-load. Christmas is an emotional time of year. My RL lives are great, very supportive. They feed me and listen.

They feed you? Maybe we're all feeding you OP.

But op, what are you going to do about it after Christmas? If it's that bad surely it's now time to do something?

I can't do anything a week before Christmas. My father ruined a Christmas when I was a child and I always remembered that so I'm not doing that to mine. We have a holiday booked for February... I want to go on that trip with MY children and MY friends. Then the world goes quiet. I'm not sure is the honest answer. I have plans and ideas. I'm biding my time but I agree it's not good for my health. Still love him, it's heart breaking.... sorry.

Do you have conclusive evidence it's still going on?

Demanding his stops seeing her won't work with him... he is a very stubborn childish man and he will see her a refuge and me a moaning old bag. Wrong, I know, but I know him well enough to know that if I keep on banging on about it, it will definitely drive him away. Yes I know at the moment he has his cake and eating it. Merry Christmas everyone and thanks for the feedback. I needed to off load as my RL friends must be bored to tears of me!!!

You're very welcome to off load on here - that's what the threads are for.
Remember if you are unhappy in your marriage that is enough reason to make an appoitment with a solicitor with a view to discussing divorce. His affair may have stopped but he crossed a line you do not have to forgive or forget.
There's still a few days before Christmas - can I suggest you make contact with a solicitor and book an appointment for the New Year ? That's not jumping any guns just getting a legal point of view to you circumstances.

Whatever you decide - please continue to use this thread. You were very brave to come back on here and ask fir support again. You should take pride in that.

This is so sad. I hope it all works out in the new year as you seem determined to hang on in there a bit longer.

If I were your daughter, and I grew up to know you'd stuck out the festive season with a bullying immature cheat for 'my sake', I would be heartbroken. Kids are so smart, too. They may well already have intuited that you are a desperately unhappy and mistreated woman. Please bear up, and I hope 2015 brings you strength and happiness.

Thank you everyone. My children are young and deserve a good Christmas (as do I but this year it isn't about me).

Next year - who knows?

How about- next year you get the Christmas you deserve without this horrible man making you pretend that everything's OK when he has broken your heart? You just need to change the way you think about him. "My husband is the kind of man who values the chance to be unfaithful over the kind of family life I want for our chi!dren. He did not care about my feelings when he wanted to have sex with someone else, and he doesn't care about them now, and he won't care about them the next time he has the chance to have sex with another woman". That's harsh I know , but it is the truth and you deserve to be treated so much more kindly.

This holiday in February, why can't you go on that with your kids and friends but without him? Imagine going away for a lovely time without him instead of carrying the burden of pretence for another 2 months. He is not worth another minute of your time the way he is behaving, he should be on his knees thanking you for giving him another chance. It is not your fault if the family breaks up, he caused this not you.

I am very angry on your be half,I dont even know you and I think you deserve better, why have you saddled yourself with this dreadful man.

this worked for me but it is a risky strategy -

My ex-husband, not unlike yours, didn't like 'being ordered about' - or, asked to do things. So I asked him for the opposite of what I wanted.

Worked EVERY time, I promise you - EVERY time. Risky, hugely risky, to plead with him to spend more time with the kids when you split (please God WHEN). He'll likely do the very opposite. Especially if you play a big game and say how you're so looking forward to time alone/to play after all those years of wall-to-wall child-rearing...

However there is the problem of hired help eg au pair etc. If he's like my ex (who eg hired someone to decorate his christmas tree) he won't do a stroke of work himself. As has been illustrated in the counting on one hand how many times he has spent alone with the kids. He has no intention of spending time with the kids, only to take from you what matters the most to you. (He's taken everything else and I doubt he'll stop - it feels too good. He enjoys all that. Sorry to say it.) It is relevant for future legal access arrangements that he has virtually no experience in 10 years.

Been to a lawyer yet? First half hour free, information about where you stand legally, that's all. You'll be pleasantly surprised I think.

So the woman is gone... My brother did exactly this.... The story is almost identical (NO I didn't like it, I didn't take sides) He finally backed down & stayed with his wife & 3 kids, only to do it again a few years later with another woman, he is now married to the 2nd.
Basically something was "broken", I never understood. The difference was that he was sorry, he didn't start bitching & saying the most hurtful things possible about 50/50 for the kids, or not wanting to share his house that HE had paid for etc. In the end XW got the house ( & remaining mortgage) & he kept his pension fund....
So if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't trust him for a minute, & would look at making myself a new life. Sorry, cohabiting in the same house in a respectful atmosphere, waiting for the axe wouldn't hack it for me.

Hope you had a good Christmas. Mine was surprisingly ok!! I had lovely presents, lots and lots of help unloading the dishwasher and a good co-host. Children were VERY happy and excited. Yes with a huge tinge of lying and underhand deceit. We are a great couple... I hope we can go back to being one again. He has said we are great together and he really wants US to work long term. Right now he is hedging his bets, still seeing her. He won't listen to reason, he says I am lucky to be given a second chance. He is talking in front of everyone about next Christmas ... is he kidding himself? February holiday is a joint one with another family. He will want to go on it. Waiting for the axe was a great phrase mix56. I know my job is on the line. Its an awful feeling. Will let you know how the next few weeks go.

he says I am lucky to be given a second chance.

Can you really live with someone who treats you with such contempt?

This is so sad that you have such a low opinion of yourself,OP, that you allow yourself to be treated this way. My own mother had this 'martyr' complex too - the worse she was treated by my father, the more she seemed to enjoy that feeling of 'having to put up with it'.
I have a very complex relationship now with my mother - certainly not a close, loving relationship as my respect for her faded over the years.
What relationship would you wish to have with your children in the future, OP? And what relationships would you wish for them in their future partner choices?

Lots and lots of help unloading dishwasher ....life's ok then. Ever heard of over compensating to deflect attention away from what he's really up to ? You must be in shock OP and grateful for the delusion he's offering. Oh dear.

If he's still seeing her then really you should tell him to go. Xmas done so no excuses. Grateful for a second chance? You most certainly are but how can it be if he's still with OW. Make a stand or your marriage and self esteem are dead. You can't keep on pretending it will destroy you. In fact I can't believe this is true.

I find it very difficult to read that any person devalues them self so profoundly

A husband openly shagging other women, pathetically grateful for a few dishes unloaded from the dishwasher and worrying about her "job" being unsafe (said job description: complete mug)

The vagueness & lack of any sincere feeling's in OP's posts made me doubt too,Drumdrum.... but on the other hand those same lack of feelings are something I recognise in someone dealing with a disrespectful partner. To acknowledge how cruel a situation this is for OP, means perhaps thinking of a future very different to what was planned for years. Far safer to put that thought aside and plod on seems to be the OP's choice.

It is very difficult to read, AF. The OP seems to be reacting in the very way her DH expects and demands. She has a choice in how she responds to this situation - her poor children do not, however & I have no doubt are probably desperately trying to keep mummy & daddy happy, helping put on the 'happy family front'. So sad.

Just found this thread. Must have missed it in September.

It is absolutely the saddest and most depressing situation I've read about on here in a long time.

And the clincher? "he says I am lucky to be given a second chance."

Words fail me.