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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 02/09/2014 18:49

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Thanks
OP posts:
auntpetunia · 06/09/2014 11:49

Just Smile sweetly and KOKO! You are doing brilliant.

Darkesteyes · 06/09/2014 14:18

Oh hes scowling is he.......Ahh Diddums!

thenamehaschanged · 06/09/2014 17:26

Haha thanks ladies, I've had a day of 'hoovering', the old dangling of the happy future carrot, some unwelcome admiration of my tits in a top Confused and at 5pm he decides completely out of the blue that he wants to take the kids swimming, with our nearest swimming pool being half an hour away and that shuts at 6.30pm - queue stroppy tantrum as swimming gear not immediately to hand and him barging me on the stairs as I try to get the kids sorted in a panic.....oh I really won't miss any of this!! Grin

OP posts:
thenamehaschanged · 06/09/2014 17:31

*que, not queue!!

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 06/09/2014 17:55

He's such a tit.

auntpetunia · 06/09/2014 18:33

Why even entertain such a dickheadish idea. I certainly wouldn't be getting kids ready in a panic. An as for barging you on the stairs. Tell him not to pass on stairs it's not safe. If you got there I hope you had a good time.

thenamehaschanged · 06/09/2014 19:16

Haha Twink Thanks

I wasn't invited Petunia and glad of it - this was just for him and the girls and coincidentally coincided with my parents coming back after 2 days away -well fair enough he doesn't want to sit here talking to them for that long and has also made his excuses for tomorrow and will be off to work early morning - but the bloody amateur dramatics and barging me when he knew they were coming back, and the fact he was upstairs when they arrived at 4 and didn't come down for half an hour is all just weird.

His bloody parents have stayed a full fortnight before and I was the one who had to wait on them the whole time!

I'm pissing into the wind complaining about him though, we all know he is Mr Prize Twunt of Twuntland - Captain Cockhead reigns again!!

When they're back, he'll probably walk in and silently scan the room for 'mess' or something to justify getting even more annoyed - a subtle one for only me - think I'll play him at his game and deliberately avoid eye contact.

Knob

OP posts:
auntpetunia · 06/09/2014 19:30

What! He didn't expect you to go? Surely that would be the point of family time!! Though a few hours on your own is always to be savoured.

Why is he going to work on a Sunday? Though a whole day without him (albeit with your parents) will be nice. Hope he doesn't give you too much silent treatment, defo don't make eye contact.

ballsballsballs · 06/09/2014 22:16

You're doing brilliantly name.

Squidstirfry · 06/09/2014 22:57

Going to 'work' on a Sunday?? Ah well good rid.

WellWhoKnew · 06/09/2014 23:36

Hello again - thought I'd check in to check up that you're still checking out!

Talking of 'checks' (US).

Just so you know, you really don't need to keep your SHL updated with his fuckwittery - it just costs you ££££s for them to receive the emails. It makes not one jot of difference to the divorce.

Keep notes and discuss anything you have concerns/anxiety about the next time you have to make an appointment.

As soon as you want out of the marriage, off you tot! Whatever 'game' he wishes to play is for much later down the road in proceedings - and even then, it doesn't matter one jot.

This is all about arrangements for the children (i.e. you remain their mother, you remain the primary carer, you remain in the family home) and the finances (you get a minimum of 50% of the assets).

That's it. The rest is just bureaucracy. He can allege all he likes - it still begs the question: why now are you so concerned? What stopped you being superman before the divorce?

You're going to be absolutely fine - in the interim he is going to be a twat, a arse and a wanker.

Keep up the dissociation.

Nothing is going to change except that a) you'll be managing your own budget, b) bringing up your own children c) in your own home and d) without your husband.

Take care.

Zazzles007 · 07/09/2014 00:44

OP, I've been lurking on your thread and just wanted to add another voice of support for you. You're doing brilliantly seeing through his bullshit manipulations. And I love 'Captain Cockhead'!

thenamehaschanged · 07/09/2014 12:28

Haha thanks Zazzles yes I like that one too, got it from MN obviously Grin

Hi Wellwhoknew - thank you again for the advice - I wondered actually whether it would cost me if I contacted the solicitor about anything - guess they start the clock when doing anything for you. I'll be careful about that in future as you are right, it doesn't matter anyway what the hell he says, he has nothing on me and I have everything on him due to bank and rent statements and she has already confirmed the fact him moving back doesn't affect my original petition. I just regret more than anything not doing this sooner :( in his eyes my case will look at best flimsy at worst spiteful and unjust.....(but I'm back now? I'm trying to make it work, you're not! What about counselling?)

But - I have never hidden my unhappiness with my marriage, he has been abusive and violent, after a particularly awful abusive episode involving a terrifying drive home after a row (just the two of us) I locked myself in the toilet and felt like Reeva Steenkamp :( I thought of her in there - I said to myself I know Reeva, I know what you went through, I'm so sorry, and if no one else believes it, I know you were hiding from him :( When I finally came out of the toilet he cruelly mocked my tears and continued the attack. The next day he sulked that I had made him so angry and expected an apology - the original cause of the argument? He hadn't approved of the jacket DD1 had worn on a night out with him the previous night. It was too flimsy for the weather (it was her favourite jacket and she was absolutely fine in it) - I honestly thought I might have died on that journey home.

Anyway my mantra is 'I can end my marriage by myself if I want - I don't need his permission - it's all control'

Anyway, thank you everyone so much for all your lovely words of support Thanks

OP posts:
trackrBird · 07/09/2014 13:05

What a terrible thing to have had to go through.
There are no words really.
You are being so brave, not long now.
Flowers

Twinklestein · 07/09/2014 13:06

A husband who has not lived with his family for x years, doesn't make his wife's case for divorce look 'flimsy' just because he moves back in when he realises it's looming. It's too little too late.

I can't remember how long he's had his fuck flat, but was he wasn't working on his marriage then. He wasn't working on it when he was being abusive and violent. He's trying to work on it when it's already over. Who cares how you seem in his eyes? He's blind.

I know Reeva was hiding from OP. And I believe that he shot her in cold blood.

Jux · 07/09/2014 14:55

Oh, Name, the sooner this is over, the better. Thanks . It must be such a relief when he goes off to work every day - and that is such a sad state of affairs. You're nearly there, really you are being so strong.

How long are your parents staying?

Hope you're having a lovely day with the children, quiet, fun, peaceful.

Darkesteyes · 07/09/2014 15:08

Name Im so sorry hes put you through all this. You are being so strong and brave and i really admire you. Thanks

Hes a bloody psycho. Sad Angry

thenamehaschanged · 07/09/2014 15:20

Thank you guys Thanks I know Twink, I believe the same that poor poor girl. Yeah it really hasn't been pleasant for so long - I think Reeva was 2013(?) and I did manage to get him to leave a couple of times after that but he always wangled his way back. At the moment he's almost there in finally finishing off a very long winded legal work related issue that has been hanging over our heads for at least 4 years from when he was self employed. It's this he says that has been making him 'stressed'. Once it's all over he'll be lovely and relaxed again Hmm

You know even if that were true, I'm still perfectly entitled to say I've had enough and it's too little too late even if he's being nice aren't I? And of course it wouldn't last.

He's taken to calling me 16 with regards to the smoking. I'm just a 16 year old, rebelling against authority and hiding behind the bike sheds going nowhere while all the clever people have got their heads down and are moving forward successfully in life. (He has never smoked and I haven't either for years).

He's come back from work and has taken the girls out again while I'm staying in to fill out all my application forms for a temp agency interview I have tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
thenamehaschanged · 07/09/2014 15:23

Thanks Darkest Thanks

Sorry Jux think my parents will just be here this week and then that will be it - I've actually enjoyed having them - I've felt protected - they are on my side again but we're not talking about it all too much although my mum does ask now and again.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 07/09/2014 15:29

He's not even consistently nice even now when he thinks everything's on the line, and he still disappeared for a couple of days this week, no?

Madamecastafiore · 07/09/2014 15:36

Thename, XWanker tried to hint towards me having a 'wine' problem during custody hearing for DD (ironic considering his drinking was what put the final nail in the coffin of our marriage). The lovely judge said it was completely understandable considering what I was being put through.

Stay strong, 10 years on I have a wonderful life, 2 more DCs, a wonderful husband and group of friends and couldn't be happier (well other than being a size 8, but am working on that).

I found the counsellor making me realise that the behaviour of others and the way they treated me was not something I was causing but a failure on their behalf to be normal, caring human beings.

thenamehaschanged · 07/09/2014 15:39

Yes that's right Twink. I was watching Micky Flanagan in stand up on tv the other night, he was making jokes about staying down the pub a bit later than promised to your other half and then getting into trouble about it - I just sat there and thought 'late in from the pub!!' Jesus my bar has been forcibly set so low now that late back at best is after 2 days, at worst 2 weeks haha!

OP posts:
thenamehaschanged · 07/09/2014 15:40

Oh thanks Madame that's great to hear and very reassuring - that's great you moved on to a much happier life afterwards Thanks

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 07/09/2014 15:54

How long has he had his flat?

Madamecastafiore · 07/09/2014 15:58

Sorry, how do you go about reporting someone to AA?

I thought it was a voluntary thing that you attended and totally secretive.

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