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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 02/09/2014 18:49

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Thanks
OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 03/09/2014 16:21

Name - you know that going out is a trigger; why are you even contemplating it?

CarbeDiem · 03/09/2014 16:29

Found you!
Well done name for refusing the wine. You've pissed right on his chips doing that.
It doesn't matter whether he agrees or not he can't physically force you have a drink if you refuse one..... that would be cause to call the police and get an injunction if he even tried - just saying Wink

Keep on going, the end of each day is a day closer to freedom. Take care.

AMessageToYouRudie · 03/09/2014 16:38

Hi name
The change of thread title says it all, good for you. Just wanted to tip my hat to you on your new shiny thread and say keep on keeping on sister, you're doing real good. Seize back the control!!!

I would let him drink, but good for you resisting, he cannot play along if you don't. Watch him like an hawk, it does sound as if he is building a case against you, not long now hun, be strong x

HansieLove · 03/09/2014 16:51

Once again I'm going to ask if you have a refuge arranged. You say you will go into a refuge, but what if there is no space?

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 03/09/2014 16:54

Because he doesn't know I'm digging a tunnel, because he wants to play happy families and brilliant son in law in front of my parents, because he's on a bipolar high today and if I say no I run the very real risk of him becoming moody and atmosphere-causing that only I and he would be aware of in front of my parents. Because it makes my life a little easier and gets me safely through another day - he's not going to create a scene and reduce me to tears in front of them, he wouldn't dare and never has - that special treatment is just for when we're alone.

I totally hear you though - I know what you're saying - It is going to be a dysfunctional curry by any normal families standards because everyone is playing a fake role.

I hope you don't think I'm fickle and asking for it again - I'm not, I just don't want to do any boat rocking at this stage - although if it was a meal out alone he was suggesting then that I would feel a lot easier turning down with not feeling well or whatever - this one, where I'm carrying my parents I feel differently.

Plus I'm not as strong as some of you ladies haha!

And Cock Womble!! Hilarious, thanks fuckyou Grin

Thanks
OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 03/09/2014 17:00

Hansie I have a few refuges to choose from - 5 in close proximity but obviously not my actual borough where they can't take me.

My local WA can tell me where there's a place available and where not - when I spoke to them last time she just looked them up - prebooking isn't an option - it's last resort, emergency stuff where you take the place tomorrow at the latest or it goes to someone else. I'm not there yet, I haven't served papers yet so in theory (although you'll probably all disagree!!) I'm not in immediate danger.

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 03/09/2014 17:26

Thanks Carbe, thanks Rudie Thanks Thanks

OP posts:
auntpetunia · 03/09/2014 17:27

So let me get this right all of you girls included are going for a curry? So am assuming not too late as it's a school night. Are you driving or is he or is it walkable? If one of you needs to drive that's you, you need To get the girls home by 8 at latest so won't be out drinking and might even need to leave early if it drags on. !!? Maybe? Always good to have a plan name I know you think he won't play up in front of your parents but do watch what you say to him and try sitting nearest the girls to help with food choices etc. don't make a big thing about not drinking that will wind him up. I we went out with kids when little one of always had a soft drink someone needs to be responsible.

Good luck stay safe

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 03/09/2014 17:45

Yes petunia it's all of us, kids included - it's a local so short walking distance - we'll probably be out at 7 back by half 8 at the absolute latest, girls straight to bed after - bit late but they're still on holiday time a little so I don't mind too much there -

I definitely take your advice not to relax thinking he would never have a go at me in front of my parents - I always watch what I say and am rarely antagonistic Sad - and I won't make a big thing about not drinking either.

Thank you Thanks Thanks

OP posts:
auntpetunia · 03/09/2014 18:19

You are doing everything right. Just keep safe what did your SHL (shit hot lawyer) say about his attempted smear campaign. Hope she's ready to knock his feet from underneath him. Enjoy your curry but defo no Wine maybe just Cake

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/09/2014 18:59

I would find it very hard not to give him pitying looks whilst he drinks his pint with supper, and make some comments to my dm about how so many alcoholics often accuse others of alcoholism because they can't admit they have a problem. With deep sigh and furrowed worried brow thrown in.

I know you shouldn't do this, it's antagonistic and your safety is paramount. But it would be sooo tempting :o

RandomMess · 03/09/2014 19:43

Just catching up as only got intermittent internet at the moment. Go girl!!

If he mentions anything about you not drinking I would just say "But you told me you were concerned about me drinking too much so I'm listening to your advice and not drinking anymore!"

What an arsehole he really is.

tinklykeys · 03/09/2014 20:10

Another lurked here. I love your attitude! It may seem like a small thing but the way you address the posters on your thread (always by name, always polite), speaks volumes for your character and how lovely you are. I'm willing you on!

When I first joined Mumsnet I couldn't work out what stbxh meant. In my head I read it as 'stab in the back x husband'. In your case that seems fairly appropriate. Well done at continuing to rise above it!

AMillionNameChangesLater · 03/09/2014 20:13

If he mentions the drinking, just look puzzled. As much as I'd want to be all PA, keep playing the game, you're almost out of it all

auntpetunia · 03/09/2014 20:28

Ha tinklys love stab in feh back ex husband fab.

Twinklestein · 03/09/2014 20:36

Similarly Tinklykeys I thought it was 'Shoot the bastard ex husband'

Darkesteyes · 03/09/2014 21:58

Just catching up on your thread Name. You are brilliant Wishing you strength. Thanks

Star8369 · 04/09/2014 02:04

how did it go name?

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 04/09/2014 03:44

I got through it ok thanks Star, it was a non event in the end really. Sad that it's all fake you know, my eyes have pinged open again at 3.15 and this time with a bit of a sinking feeling.

That's it now though - my parents are away for a couple of days today so the act will stop being played.

The thought of him suggesting a night out just me and him at the weekend though would absolutely fill me with terror and I would have to feign illness to avoid it like the plague - and that's not someone anyone should be married to. I would deserve a nice night out now and again with my husband surely? Not to end up being attacked and ridiculed :(

Anyway enough wallowing :) I have to try and get back to sleep!

Thank you though everyone so much Thanks Thanks it's been so great reading the support of 'friends' I can't tell you Thanks

OP posts:
CarbeDiem · 04/09/2014 03:56

It must be the night for it!! I also can't sleep.

Start the 'illness' Thursday night name get it out there so when/if he asks you're ready.
Glad tonight was okay and hope you manage to sleep again.

captainmummy · 04/09/2014 07:10

Maybe a bit of food poisoning? ;)
Glad there were no problems last night op

Whereisegg · 04/09/2014 08:32

I have just read your old thread, and this, and just wow.
You are bloody amazing and I totally get your mindset of doing whatever it takes to get you through to d(ivorce)-day.

Don't ever doubt how strong you are Thanks

Jux · 04/09/2014 08:56

Glad I've found you Grin love the new title.

You ARE strong, Name; re-read your thread some time, and you'll see it yourself! You don't feel it, but it is clear to see in everything you say. Until you feel strong, just fake it. Lift your chin, straighten those shoulders and back, breathe. Posture makes an enormous difference! Now just imagine you're strong, strong and independent.

Hope last night was unbearable and uneventful. KOKO Thanks

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 04/09/2014 09:51

Thank you Jux Thanks honestly everyone, thank you Thanks Thanks

Auntpetunia - I emailed my SHL yesterday but got an out of office response so I will hopefully hear something today. It felt like a kid running to the teacher to tell tales but then that's what he did by phoning AA I guess!

Honestly he comes from alcoholic grandparents, everyone he (and I) knows drinks, his best friends are even partial to some class b's and a's on a night out. I'm not and nor is he. I just still feel shocked that he did that.

You know last night was ok, it was a glimpse of what a decent family on a night out could look like - only thing I noticed was that when I was describing something funny from my childhood which had been prompted by my dad, I ended up saying it more to H across the table, and his eyes very noticeably dimmed and I knew he was telling me that I was boring - it was exactly the kind of look somebody sarcastic would give to someone who had been dominating the night with stories of themselves and here they go again with another one - except I hadn't, I had barely said anything as was busy with the kids and he was talking to my parents about him and his bloody job.

Ho hum. Guess if that was the worst then I got away with it.

So glad I've got the freedom programme starting next week.

I had a worry about going back to work today as well. I'm just going to temp for a while and have decided nothing too involved at the moment which I normally have a quite full on, stressful job. I really really appreciate everybody's encouragement that you can see strength in my words, but I think adding some work stress now on top of everything might just tip me over the edge Confused I think just a simple, part time, no responsibility admin job for now just to get me back out there. H doesn't need to know anything about it - and once this is all over and the dust has settled, I think then I'll feel stronger to start applying for more involved, better paid, permanent roles.

Feeling nervous!

Have a great day everyone Thanks

OP posts:
Adarajames · 04/09/2014 12:49

Don't worry about the working bit yet, get yourself sorted and settled somewhere safe first, then start looking for that dream job, am sure you'll find it and manage it then, you've handled everything so far with amazing strength and resilience, good on you x

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