How do people get away with affairs?

[LoveBeingAwakeInTheNight]

Quite a blunt title and certainly not looking for tips I was reading some threads and I just wondered how on earth do they get away with it? How do they make excuses? How do they get so much time away from their partner? I am certain not victim blaming, I just wondered maybe could see if I need to pay attention to anything

The ones who get away with it are very careful re. texts, emails, covering their tracks, double checking everything. And they fit it around work - escape for the odd couple of hours with an excuse, leaving work early, going in late, taking the odd day off.

It helps if you have always had irregular or very long working hours, with long business trips

Ravenmum, you never know what they're REALLY up to when they're on a business trip.
Even if they're not having a full-on physical affair, a lot of emotional affairs develoop on these things.
Well they would - If you're on a Course/B Trip, and there's a woman/man on the course that you get on really well with, then you are more than likely going to be joining them at the breakfast table every morning, sitting and pairing up for 'group work', sharing dinner, staying up at the hotel bar for drinks, - possibly even pairing up for free time to go sight seeing. All Day. Every Day, for up to 2 weeks in some cases. No wonder people end up becoming Close.

These are all (except for the shagging), intimate things that are usually done with a wife/husband during a holiday.
It's no wonder so many affairs/one night stands take place on business trips.

My first husband used to cheat - and his job involved a lot of training away.
I'm so relieved my second husband NEVER goes on business trips,
I think they're the Devil's Work as far as marriages are concerned.
(and I'm not joking).
And for those who say my husband goes on business trips a lot, but I trust him, well I say - good. But, its stiill a TEST.
And who wants to test their marriage?

My Ex-SILS's Dad had an affair for 20 years.

They only found out when he died and discovered he had a whole other life and a property that he went to every other weekend when they thought he was on 'boys' golf weekends. I'm absolutely convinced that my SIL didn't know but I'm sure her Mum did but just turned a blind eye to it. Completely devastating for the whole family though when the truth cam out.

I agree with sweetnessandlite. I met my fiancé on a buisness trip, and we got together in exactly the way you describe.

Neither of us were married at the time though.

My dad's entire years long affair was conducted almost exclusively on business trips. They lived 1,000 miles from each other. They met on a business trip. (They are married today.)

Anyone who works full time can see how an affair can happen. We spend more quality and quantity time with co-workers than we do at home with family. I have never been married, and I am in my 50s so this ship has sailed, but I would never ever be a SAHM. Ever. It makes you underestimate what it is like being away from home working so much and bonding with random people. The working spouse has a totally separate life. The SAHM is running the entire show at home alone. He gets the benefit of being a Family Man with little or no involvement or effort.

Of course being a SAHM allows for ample time and opportunity for mom's affairs as well. It's not just the men. But according to my dad, he just lost respect for my mother, the SAHM, when he was spending so much time with working women who had much more interesting lives, dressed nicer, had more to talk about, took care of their appearance, were financially independent, etc.

When my dad came every night from work, my mother started nagging him for one thing or another from the second he hit the door. Oh, it was such an unbalanced relationship!

I see affairs happening over lunch, on business trips (real and fake), Happy Hour times. It's so utterly common it doesn't even raise eyebrows anymore.

My dad's entire years long affair was conducted almost exclusively on business trips.

As I said: Business Trips can test most marriages.

(I wonder how these Cheats manage to carry on affairs once they're retired?
Surely there are less opportunities for being away from the house.)
It must be mroe difficult for them.

In my experience the ones who go away a lot for work,sport, stag dos etc find it easier.
My dh never has cause to stay out overnight, works shifts and is home mostly in between so he'd have to invent some new excuses.

My ex cheated on me after18 yrs and 4 dc. With hindsight the signals were all there.

Not wanting sex with me.
Sleeping separately so as not to wake me.
New job which meant working odd hours.
Suspicious numbers in the high phone bill.
General restlessness and dissatisfaction at our life together and no real interest in the children.

I chose to just believe what I wanted to believe until it hit me in the face.

I still wish he'd had the decency to leave me first. The impact upon the children wouldn't have been so great and his sons might still speak to him.

CogitoErgoSometimes yes!

But surely not everyone who has an affair is someone who works away / late?
It's not like you can never go out without your partner

I think the key to getting away with an affair is very simple really - it's blind trust on the part of the other partner.

It's amazing what implausible stories people will suck up when they genuinely have no idea that their partner is being unfaithful.

And of course people who routinely work away from home overnight have a very easy time of it when it comes to shagging around.

Most of the time if there is no suspicion then there is little reason to make up very elaborate lies, just small mundane ones which are never questioned. But when something awkward happens and you risk being found out, that's when then the more elaborate and implausible lies start. If your partner is very trusting you will get away with it. Sometimes for years. But the minute you start to behave in a way that sets alarm bells ringing (all the classic signs; moody, distant and withdrawing, taking unusual care over dress and grooming, going out alone noticeably more often, guarding your phone etc.,) then any implausible or odd story that just doesn't sit well will be a huge red flag.

An old friend of DPs joined him at work, him and his wife had a rough patch a few years ago where he 'almost' had an affair. That's what I thought anyway. Apparently he had a full blown sleazy shaggathon and his wife still thinks it was an 'almost'. But according to him they're better than ever...

I have to go out for a meal next month with the pair of them now knowing this

mmm... I think the one I know who gets away with a lot is a genuine psychopath, capable of leading a more-than-double life, loves manipulating others...

oh, and if your partner is a taxi driver, he's shagging around. really.

"But surely not everyone who has an affair is someone who works away / late?"

Of course not, but it makes it much easier if the OW and the DW are nicely far apart. The internet facilitates a lot of affairs because people who would never normally meet & have no other connection can hook up quite easily. Someone who wants to cheat will always find or create the opportunity.

My husband had lots of business trips to other countries, but that's not where he met his mistress. She worked with him in our town; they even met up in a hotel down the road. He asked her to a BBQ at our house as a "work colleague" but she refused. Seems he rather liked having the OW round the corner, as the risk was part of the fun. In this case, it was the fact that I was used to him going on business trips that facilitated the affair - not the fact that he was actually on one. He wasn't.

Having said that, it was being away from home for long periods of time that started him looking out for other women in the first place. I now know that when he was away on business he was busy taking women out for drinks and chatting to them about sex. Not sure how far that went but evidently not as far as with the woman round the corner.

I think there's a big difference as well between people who have actual affairs - so an on going connection with someone else, and people who simply cheat their spouse on a pretty regular basis.

oh, and if your partner is a taxi driver, he's shagging around. really.

Yes, taxi drivers have the perfect opportunity! (yikes)

Business trips. Senior partners in my old firm were serial shaggers. Not all about half were decent family men. The funny thing is how people having affairs always think no one at work knows. Ime they almost always do.

Remember when I was about 18 I babysat for a couple, she was lovely him not so much. He had been unfaithful for years she had finally found out and dumped him. Not only that but she had met a really hot new man (she herself was stunning). The sight of him having what can only be described as a tantrum when he witnessed his wife (with me babysitting) heading off with gorgeous new man was one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed.

I think sometimes the other person doesn't want to see it.

I believe it's not about the other woman, other person - there must be a problem in the current relationship, which means that there might be a lack of communication/ attention etc. So it is more likely to go un-noticed.

Also - I think technology wise - there are lots of ways of contacting people secretly nowadays.

Meeting up wise - people would use friends as alibis - I had a thought the other day (in a random paranoia attack) what if my partner, for example, doesn't REALLY work on a Friday afternoon and that's the day he meets up with someone.

I only thought this as he doesn't drink and NEVER goes out - so I thought oh well - he never has the opportunity to meet up with anyone.

Great Q OP.

Also - I think technology wise - there are lots of ways of contacting people secretly nowadays.

True, but on the up-side, there are also a LOT more ways of catching them as well!
Key loggers, trackers, phone trackers to mention a few. And not as expensive as a private detective.
mr ex sweetness was caught in such a manner

I also think, sadly, that a lot of it is simply that the partner trusts them, and doesn't even consider that they would do something so horrible to them.

So sad.

what if my partner, for example, doesn't REALLY work on a Friday afternoon and that's the day he meets up with someone.

This happens more than people realise.
It's very clever, as it doesn't 'look' as if there's time that's unnacounted for!

yes - but people like me are clueless with technology - whereas my partner is in IT and knows so much about it - if he wanted to hide stuff it would be very easy for him. I mean - for all I know, he might have three phones!

I have to choose not to worry about it - I don't think I blindly trust him - I just choose not to worry. Or it can take over your life.

The SAHM reason above is a bit worrying - I am a SAHM - but I certainly think he respects me and I still make an effort with my appearance...

sweetness - true. I take some comfort in having been to his workplace a few times, meeting the staff and them being very interested in our baby. I know his work email and phone number - so he knows I could call at any time or rumble him. If he was secretive about his job/work that might worry me. Im getting off this thread now - or it'll drive me crazy, I'll get paranoid and he will say "oh dear... you've been on Mumsnet again haven't you?"

I know a women whose dh blatantly has affairs. It is common knowledge.

She is very trusting, unsuspicious and (seems) willing to turn a blind eye to it.

Years ago, she was approached by another friend, who told her about her suspicions - but was waved away abruptly. I think she's terrified he'll leave her.

My last job involved regular business trips and I was the only woman in the team. 6/7 guys had affairs or one night stands in my 2 years there, it was easy as their wives were used to them being away and had no clue what was going on. They thought I was odd for going to my room alone each night instead of hanging round the hotel bars. It was amazing.

Having worked where I worked I am very suspicious. That said I met dh at work so knew him before we were a couple and he is the least sleazy man in the world but I am still not naive.

I would be surprised though - he hates travelling with work hardly ever does, races home or avoids where possible all work events. Most of his work events are for couples which I enjoy but he hates I make him go. None of his colleagues are ahem that alluring.