How do people get away with affairs?

[LoveBeingAwakeInTheNight]

Quite a blunt title and certainly not looking for tips I was reading some threads and I just wondered how on earth do they get away with it? How do they make excuses? How do they get so much time away from their partner? I am certain not victim blaming, I just wondered maybe could see if I need to pay attention to anything

My last job involved regular business trips and I was the only woman in the team. 6/7 guys had affairs or one night stands in my 2 years there, it was easy as their wives were used to them being away and had no clue what was going on. They thought I was odd for going to my room alone each night instead of hanging round the hotel bars. It was amazing.

Yep, you never know what your husband is getting up to on a business trip.
Stockyfloor - I bet all those men loved their wives and their wives felt they could 'trust them'.
I think trust has got sod all to do with it.
At the end of the day, when it comes to Affairs, a lot boils down to
Opportunity and the safety of Not Being Found Out.
This is why Business Trips are the perfect Breeding Ground for Affairs.

I think it's worth bearing in mind that financial situations do come into play too.

My dad was one to have many affairs and my mum put up with it because she was vulnerable, financially. In the end though she had, had enough, but we were much older.

booking afternoons off without your partners knowledge

This one raises LESS suspicion than the ''I have to work late excuse''

Of course, a particularly clever wife will know to keep a sharp eye on the payslips - if the money aint matching, then there's a risk of catching! shit I wrote something what rhymed

Hmm I think constantly talking about the new girl at work or blatantly leaving her out of convos with you is a tell. My ex (EA arsehole) would bang on about the new girl, her name in every conversation but justifying it by saying she had bad skin and bad teeth...I met her at a Christmas do and she looked normal enough. But then again I couldn't have given a flying fig where he stuck it! So I think he had a crush. Daft old alki arsehole wouldn't have managed to get it up anyway.

However, in some types of work (mine) nobody checks when the person is actually at the place of work and it doesn't affect payslips.

"Hmm I think constantly talking about the new girl at work or blatantly leaving her out of convos with you is a tell."

Yep. Referred to here as Mentionitis.

Disclaimer before I write this post: I have NOT cheated on my husband, and nor do I plan to.

So, going back many years, I lived with my ex fiance. I loved him lots, but I also cheated on him regularly - sometimes with different people, but at one point with the same man for about 18 months. I am not proud of my behaviour and have put it down to extreme stupidity of youth and general unpleasantness, which I have entirely outgrown and will never repeat.

I never once lied to him. I lied by omission, but I never told an outright lie. He knew who I was out with, but he thought he was a friend. The first time I cheated on him, I almost turned myself inside out with the guilt. But when he didn't find out about it, I did it again. We forget that real life isn't like a soap opera where infidelity builds to a ratings busting crescendo when the spouse finds out and all is revealed - it can carry on indefinitely, with people none the wiser. As people don't automatically assume that their partner is capable of infidelity, they often don't see what is obvious.

My husband also cheated on his ex with someone for a couple of years and had a similar experience to me - she still doesn't have a clue. We had a very honest and open conversation about it at the start of our relationship and have a pact that if one of us cheats on the other, then it spells the end of our marriage - no second chances, no excuses - it will be over. Because we've both been the cheater, we're more aware of the danger signs, and our pact keeps us from straying (well, it's kept me from straying anyway - I can only assume that he's been faithful, but the signs are good so far).

Those that know of the affair keep quiet for many reasons, one being if they tell they loose a friend and the one they tell may not believe them.

Those that carry out affairs or enter into a marriage as a third party, are generally emotionally abusive selfish characters happy to put their needs above those of a family, and happy to gaslight and put the mental and sexual health of the unknowing partner at risk.

her name in every conversation but justifying it by saying she had bad skin and bad teeth

Constantly critisising a particular woman is a big red flag.
My ex used to bang on about how he couldn't stand this particular woman and how she so wasn't his type.
Turned out she was the OW!

" emotionally abusive selfish characters "

I'm going to disagree with this. Selfish, certainly, but I don't think they are necessarily emotionally abusive. Especially not the ones that go to great lengths to keep the DW/DH out of the picture, treat everyone decently (albeit by their own standards) and maintain a careful image of decent family type. Emotionally abusive to me would be to deliberately flaunt affairs, taunting and hurting a partner, daring them to object and eroding their self-esteem in the process. There's a risk of deep hurt if the affair gets discovered and it's certainly reckless behaviour, but I don't think that's the same thing as abusive.

They divert family funds/time, they gaslight/lie to maintain the affair, mislead their partner that they are committed only to them, they put sexual and mental health at risk, that to me is emotional abuse.

I go abroad with work quite a bit. From what i have seen, for many married men, being away in a foreign country gives them carte blanch to do what they like. And i am talking a significant proportion - i'd say around 50 pc. Too many women are too complacent. I've lost count of the number of times i have heard women say "x would never cheat on men." If he is working away a lot, there is a very good chance he already is doing.

With respect, wasting time, money and lying do not constitute abuse by themselves. Abuse is a sustained campaign of behaviour designed principally to control, intimidate or manipulate another person. What you're describing is bad behaviour rather than abusive. If someone doesn't know about their partner is having an affair ('getting away with it' being the subject of the thread) their mental health is unlikely to be affected. Ignorance is bliss....

Psychopathy. Or at least sociopathy.

The rest get caught straight away.

Do you mean a long term affair is abusive and a one off it not? The one off will have still spent time/money from the family they will have exposed the ignorant party to a sti. The short term affair will require covering up lies/gaslighting, this can go on long term.

I mean that the motives for affairs differ hugely and it's not good to generalise.

The guys who I worked with having ongoing affairs were quite open that their marraiges weren't very happy - I think that was their justification for their behaviour. Not that they really bothered with justification as everyone seemed very easygoing about infidelity.

The ones "having fun" with random strangers whenever they worked away didn't particularly consider it to be infidelity, just a bit of a laugh, and harmless fun as their wives would never find out. They had otherwise happy marriages on the face of it, appeared to love their wives. They just didn't see anything wrong.

It was really an amazing atmosphere to work in, all the more so because I seemed to be the only one who thought it was in any way strange!

The guys who I worked with having ongoing affairs were quite open that their marriages weren't very happy

I wonder if their wives knew that their marriages were unhappy.

The marriages were "unhappy" as the Men you worked with were not working on their marriage and were cheating/abusing the marriage. People have been socially and legally able to divorce for quite some time.

I mean that the motives for affairs differ hugely and it's not good to generalise.

I agree completely with this

The guys who I worked with having ongoing affairs were quite open that their marriages weren't very happy

When my DPs ex wife had her first affair they had not long renewed their vows... Not really suggesting an unhappy marriage!