How do people get away with affairs?

[LoveBeingAwakeInTheNight]

Quite a blunt title and certainly not looking for tips I was reading some threads and I just wondered how on earth do they get away with it? How do they make excuses? How do they get so much time away from their partner? I am certain not victim blaming, I just wondered maybe could see if I need to pay attention to anything

I think that is a sweeping generalisation and certainly not always the case.

I'm can only go by the people I know who have renewed their vows - Four in total. Three had marriage problems, but decided to give things another go and ended up renewing their vows.
Only one couple renewed them because they didn't have a 'proper' wedding first time around.

My ILs renewed their vows to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. In their case, I am as sure as I possibly can be that the motive behind it was that my MIL wanted to have a party where she could wear a lavish frock and be the centre of attention. :) Sort of her way of dealing with the fact she's no longer a spring chicken and was regularly going to lots of family weddings with young, beautiful brides. I adore her, by the way, but she is somewhat of a princess, and FIL totally indulges her.

I know a (very unpleasant) man who has serial affairs, always with married women, several at once. Some of his women have been very high profile. He doesn't work so always meets them during the day when their husbands are at work, always in their own homes so it's really blatant. He claims that the home counties are full of lonely housewives.

I think it's just one of those things that is easy to dish out but impossible to take. If you don't have any scruples, you can easily convince yourself it's okay. The main requirement is a very weak character.

My parents renewed their vows on their 25th birthday, but it was a low key affair and normal clothes.
Still going strong close to their 44th.

Wives getting a puppy! I knew of four couples where the wives all wanted a dog. Three left their husbands not long after and the fourth wanted a dog as she worried she was too old for another baby.

I think trust of the unsuspecting partner is a big way of getting away with it - whether it is a full blown long term affair, a single shag or regular infidelity whenever the opportunity arises.

Its also the ability of the guilty party to decieve.

If the other half of the partnership trusts absolutely 100% and thinks "I know my Paul/Sarah would NEVER cheat on me because we have such a fab relationships/we talk about everything/our lives are so pink and fluffy/ we've been to hell and back together and are so strong etc etc" - then they are never going to suspect even if the odd little discrepancy occurs.

You only have to see in this section on mumsnet how many threads start....

"I can't believe I am writing this" or "I never thought I would find myself in this situation" - The thing is most people dont do they unless something tips them off and to see that something when you trust implicitly is quite hard unless its something that is going to slap you across the face pretty bluntly.

I was in marriage where I trusted my to the end of the world and back. I would struggle to put into words today exactly how shocked and devestated I was when I found out he had been cheating for the bulk of our marriage. I was absolutely floored at the revelation.

He got away with it for so long for just 2 simple reasons. I trusted him implicitly and he had the ability and nerve to repeatedly lie and deceive in order to carry out his infidelity.

The warm, kind, friendly person I looked upto had been replaced by a selfish liar for years - but I did not see it at all. Its only onc I knew he had cheated I was able to think - OMG so the day he had a puncture he was actually shagging X or the time he was stuck in traffic he was shagging her again and so on.

Some would maybe say I was naive or thick perhaps but I certainly dont think so. He could like for Britain in the Olympics and win gold and I trusted my then husband.

A friend of mine once worked in a pub where some builders regularly drank. They had a big contract and were miles away from their home city.
One guy had 2 phones - one for his wife, and another for all the women he was merrily shagging during the week . He went home every weekend to play the adoring, hard working husband at weekends.
My friend remembers him coming in celebrating the birth of his twins...and then talking to one of his OW on the 'shag phone'.
Nice.
When my friend challenged him on his duplicity, she said he was genuinely surprised '...but I love my wife and what she doesn't know won't hurt her'.

That situation is extremely common Margot.

My mother once had a 2 year affair with the man she would probably still tell you was the love of her life in those circumstances. Once he went off the job it all ground to a halt, strangely.

He told her he loved her but she tracked him down years later when they were both in their late forties (good old internet eh?) and found out through public records that his wife had died a couple of years earlier but he just wasn't interested in hooking up again.

Even as a fourteen year old I could see she was nothing but a convenience shag, a plaything away from home etc., of which I am sure there were many.

My husband had a affair, how did he get away with it? He didn't.

He was put on a training course for 3 weeks for work very close to home. He had a set time to start/finish. The first day I knew something was up as the course was "full of old biddies" when I knew it wasn't the case (nature of job/training) he started leaving earlier and finishing later, dressing in his posh clothes, styling his hair, wearing aftershave, wearing new pants.

Then befriending a woman on fb with no mutual friends, as soon as I saw that post appear on my wall I knew what he was upto. But I bided my time and started asking lots more questions and started taking note of his actions.
He never used his mobile and it was now glued to him.

He never once mentioned her funily enough, but his new best mate "phill" was spoken about a lot.

Like other posters have mentioned, she wasn't all that. Lots older than myself, not attractive but she threw herself at him. She was happily married,

Funnily enough we have renewed our wedding vows, why? Well he broke them so we needed to fix that. Have I ever intended to renew them any other time? God no, not something we would of ever done.
He asked me after we renewed our vows if we ever had to do it again, I said no if you ever cheat on me again your history so we won't need too!

I honestly believe if these cheaters carry on behaving completely normal, cover there tracks and no increased contact with the OW/OM and don't change in themselfs they will and can easily get away with it. Especially if the other partner really trusts them.

I believe that women are more likely to get away with affairs than men.
Why? Because most men don't believe that their wives would cheat on them.

"What she doesn't know what harm her"

My mum actually goes along with this. She tells me that in her day affairs were rife and women on the whole just put up with them and never asked! My dad has passed away now but she thinks he will have had affairs mainly because she saw how women looked at him and he was attractive. She said she thinks on the whole, men are weak when it comes to sex and can't help themselves if it is put on a plate for them!

My husbands mates who I don't really know that well are all at it when they go on lads holidays etc but having said that, 2 of mine ended up kissing someone on a recent girls trip away! (Not the one I've already mentioned!) I think it's more common than many think!

I don't stress about it to be honest. My husband goes on trips away and works away from time to time. He could be at it, but I've never really even thought about it. He knows the risks if he did and I wouldn't piss about like many do with giving him another chance. I think being financially Independent as a woman is very useful of the shit ever does hit the fan!

areyoubeingserviced I agree. However, if I was having an affair, H said wouldn't be surprised. I've just asked him why and he said "Just because you're a SAHM with two kids under 3, doesn't mean it can't happen. What stops the guy coming round? Why can't you meet him in a hotel when DS is at school? you can easily drop DD off at her grandmother's. It's wrong to do that with kids in the house but morality went out the window the moment the affair begun. If you're determined, you'll find a way"

I wouldn't think that as you've met the women your husband works with that makes them fine. I have known several women who have tried and succeeded to make a move on my partners despite knowing me

I think many people get away with affairs because their partner's simply trust them too much, and become sort of complacent in their trust.

That isn't saying that their partner cheating is in ANY WAY their fault - but it must play a huge part in how the other person gets away with it - because they abuse that trust.

The only people who I would say would never betray me, are my parents.

I cannot comprehend how people can say "oh he would never do that". It's like you've just asked them what they would do if their husband sprouted wings and flew off into the sun. It's like it doesn't even feature in the realm of possibility. Which is bullshit - their partner is human like everyone else. Affairs are not exactly uncommon.

I honestly don't think it's healthy to trust anyone so blindly.

Again - not their fault for the affair, but probably helps with the other party getting away with it.

i didnt see the signs but i should of realised my ex still looked like mr bean but should of looked like arnold schwarzenegger after going to the gym every night for 8 months .

"But he works in an office where he is the only man - he regularly talks about the women there... I have met them all so didn't worry but now... Because of comments above - should I be worried about the one he loathes?"

Ha, I would say not. For two years I was the only man in an office of 6 women.
The most senior female manager made my life a misery for the last 9 months I was there and is the reason I left (later realised it was basically bullying).
My wife heard me moan a lot about her, I nearly had a breakdown about it, so don't jump to conclusions so easily.

"become sort of complacent in their trust"

No.

The whole point of trust is that you allow yourself to become 'complacent' if you want to use that pejorative word. It is supposed to be a given when you exchange vows or make any sort of binding promise, that the person you do it with is utterly trustworthy. You then build the rest of your life on the back of that absolute trust. Otherwise what is the point?

That is why when affairs are exposed the betrayed person flounders so badly in most cases - their foundation has been overturned. And why it can take so long to recover. My whole world view was changed the day I found out.

I guess that's a case of perspective then.

I don't think such a thing as "absolute trust" exists in this world. It's an extreme, just as paranoia and distrust for no reason is another extreme.

The middle ground is trusting the person, and having faith in your future. But not blindly assuming that "they could/would never..."

I trust my partner as much as I could anyone. He is a decent, honest man and I know he loves me. But that doesn't mean that I think he is somehow physically incapable of cheating on me at any point in his lifetime. You make your vows based on that person at that time, and your relationship up until that point. Marriage doesn't come with a guarantee that both will remain exactly as they were on the day you exchanged vows.

Life is just a set of circumstances - you never really know what someone will do in a situation until it has happened. People and relationships grow and evolve - sometimes for the best, and sometimes for the worse. A person's trust in their partner should grow or change as the relationship does. Simply deciding one day that you have "absolute" trust and never re visiting that is - in my opinion - somewhat naive.

There is such a thing as 'absolute trust' but it's also known as 'naivety'. Exchanging vows is a great start and obviously no-one wants to live the kind of life where suspicion and cynicism reign, but promises get broken, people are human beings, 'shit happens' and if you carry on blindly trusting you're in for some serious disappointments.

It's just a personal observation but people who settle down very young are often much more trusting of their partner than those who have been round the block a few times.

"Marriage doesn't come with a guarantee that both will remain exactly as they were on the day you exchanged vows!

You don't need to stay the same. But if at one point you are no longer compatible you can SAY so and do something about it. Cheating isn't the answer.

"Simply deciding one day that you have "absolute" trust and never re visiting that is - in my opinion - somewhat naive"

But you do revisit it - every day - and every day that you aren't betrayed and let down you build the trust more and more. Until I was given a reason to not trust him I continued to do so. Trust is a zero sum game - you either do or you don't.

It's very true that trust develops over time. The longer you've been with someone, the more faith you have in them, the more painful it is when you realise they've let you down. However, it's also possible to become conditioned over time to ignore or accept things that someone else with fresh eyes might think were suspicious.

That is true. My eyes are fairly well-peeled these days. I am less open to accepting everything that he does, I challenge more.

I see the dirt under the gilding more than before, about the world in general.

Not sure what is better - risking being taken for a mug and hurt, or seeing the world through shit-coloured glasses and never having high expectations.

Sometimes there are no signs to see. Particularly in long term affairs. That's how people get away with it

An acquaintance of mine has been having her affair for almost 20 years so no behaviour changes involved.