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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do people get away with affairs?

124 replies

LoveBeingAwakeInTheNight · 01/09/2014 12:16

Quite a blunt title and certainly not looking for tips Grin I was reading some threads and I just wondered how on earth do they get away with it? How do they make excuses? How do they get so much time away from their partner? I am certain not victim blaming, I just wondered maybe could see if I need to pay attention to anything

OP posts:
ravenmum · 02/09/2014 14:33

If someone doesn't know about their partner is having an affair ('getting away with it' being the subject of the thread) their mental health is unlikely to be affected.
On the other hand, though they might not know it is an affair, that might be precisely because of the manipulative mind-games their partner is using to cover it up. (They might know something is wrong, but they might think it is something else altogether.)

My husband did this very well: it was only after coming on here that I started really getting suspicious, as I was so done in mentally by his mind games, e.g. when I pointed out odd behaviour of his, he persuaded me that it was because of something nasty I had done. If I hadn't cracked his password I still wouldn't know if it was an affair, and would still be wondering if it was that, or one of the many other things he claimed it was about.

So an affair itself is not abuse per se, but it might involve manipulation etc. to cover it up / distract from it.

I don't like this talk about the injured party being complacent, deliberately overlooking things, blind etc. A relationship involves trusting your partner. Of course you assume the best of them, or you wouldn't be with them in the first place.

chaseface · 02/09/2014 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EarthWindFire · 02/09/2014 14:42

Seriously!? So people that renew their vows are having problems and one of them is having an affair think I live in a parallel world sometimes

GimmeMySquash · 02/09/2014 14:42

I also think getting married after periods like 10 years is also a screaming beacon all is not well.

A marriage needs both parties to work at the marriage, it will never be a good marriage if only one party is working on the marriage.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2014 14:43

" A relationship involves trusting your partner"

The question is how an affair can successfully go on undetected. A big element - and this is not to apportion any blame - is that the partner being cheated on remains ignorant. Trust is a great thing but it can be exploited. Too much trust of the 'my OH would never do something like that' variety can render someone naïve (holds hand up for that one) or even refusing to believe the evidence in front of their face. Lies and secrecy aside, none of us really go looking for things that we don't think exist. It's not complacency, it's human nature.

GimmeMySquash · 02/09/2014 14:43

Marriage renewals are not a sign of an affair to me they are a sign that someone is trying to inject the lust that you get in the first couple of years.

fedupbutfine · 02/09/2014 14:46

a) by having a partner who trusts them (in other words, never (yet) having done anything or say anything untoward (so there is no reason not to trust);
b) by coming home at the 'right' time, 99.9% of the time (so you don't question the 0.1% as being anything other than a drink after work);
c) by being self-employed and therefore having the freedom to pursue an affair during working hours;
d) by always answering your phone within a few rings (or within whatever normal parameters might be for any given couple);
e) by operating separate e-mail accounts and being scrupulous about when you access them;
f) by not accepting the other person as a friend on Facebook;
g) by not having an affair with anyone who is linked to your partner - not a friend, family member or work colleague;
h) by maintaining the sex life you have generally had with your partner (not stopping having sex, not asking for more sex, not doing anything 'new');

This is how my ex managed it. He even managed to have a baby with her without my knowing. I was a SAHM, going about my business and having no reason not to trust the man. He was where he was supposed to be, when he was supposed to be. He kissed me goodbye in the mornings and hello in the evenings. We still had regular sex. It is easy to have an affair if the other person is unsuspecting. Oddly enough, towards the end (within a couple of months), I had suspected something was going on but with a different woman he was working with. I was very wrong!

EarthWindFire · 02/09/2014 14:46

Or it could be that they thought it was a nice thing to do. They got married on a shoestring originally and always said they would renew them at some point.

I really don't understand why sometimes people have to look for alterior motives behind everything.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2014 14:46

"So people that renew their vows are having problems"

It's a side issue but I struggle with vow renewal. The original deal was 'til death us do part' and nobody's dead so it always makes me wonder which one of them breached the contract in the meantime. Hmm

chaseface · 02/09/2014 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chaseface · 02/09/2014 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ravenmum · 02/09/2014 15:03

It's easier to identify "too much" trust in other people, maybe. Reading messages from my husband's mistress saying what a great guy he is, great dad, intelligent, reliable, kind, trustworthy, honest etc. (and would thus make a great dad for her child) when she was fully aware of what he was doing makes me think that she is either bonkers/deluded or just lying her arse off.
But from my point of view I'd only ever seen him being a nice guy. This is the man who, on our 2012 holidays, spent 6 hours smilingly driving my aunt from our holiday home to her town as she had a health problem and wanted to go to her doctor. My aunty and I agreed that he was simply great. Wouldn't we all like to think "My husband is such a lovely guy that I trust him implicitly"?

ravenmum · 02/09/2014 15:11

And if I was being "too trusting", would that make me somehow responsible for him having an affair?

ROKKAN · 02/09/2014 16:09

Testing NC

ROKKAN · 02/09/2014 16:25

I don't think people should feel bad/silly for not noticing.

We are careful. Have been friends for years so can be seen at dinner/out with no problem.
Texts and whatsapps and email are just regular friends talking or making arrangements. Any that are not deleted immediately
Nothing done on FB
Co-ordinate Overseas travel
Don't work together but same industry so lots of opportunity for legitimate contact
Only two of us know

heartshapedflux · 02/09/2014 16:50

I used to work with a very charming stylish man who on the surface had the "perfect family' - gorgeous intelligent wife and two girls he doted on, but in fact he'd been serially unfaithful to her throughout their 20 years together. He had no intention of leaving his wife, he was simply "mezmerised" by other women, as he put it. He got away with it because he was still attentive to his wife and very much a family man on the surface.

As soon as she was away, visiting relatives he'd be going to strip joints and meeting up with women for sex in hotels or even in his marital bed. It's not like they had an open marriage - in fact he told me that if his wife so much as kissed another man he'd end the relationship and yes - he freely admitted what a hyopcrite that made him!

I became convinced he was having an affair with one of the PA's at work because they were always talking in hushed tones together. I confronted him about it and he told me they weren't having an affair, but she was in fact having an affair with someone else and that he was covering for her when her husband rang the office, so she could slip away to shag her bloke when she was supposedly held up in meetings!

This was all over 10 years ago and both colleagues are still with their spouses, who still have no idea.

EarthWindFire · 02/09/2014 16:53

Only two of us know

As far as you know!

snappycow · 02/09/2014 17:29

While I love this thread and find it very very interesting. My partner who I love is always talking about a woman at work who he HATES. Does this mean he's cheating on me and she's the OW? Panicking here.

EarthWindFire · 02/09/2014 17:31

No of course it doesn't Smile

Lweji · 02/09/2014 17:31

Not necessarily.

I used to be often pissed off by a male colleague and didn't fancy him in the least.
Although he once made a pass at me tried to kiss me.

snappycow · 02/09/2014 17:32

If I ever bring affairs / cheating up he insists that he would never ever do anything to jeopardise the relationship with our son (18 month) and that he has never wanted to cheat on me, ever. That it's never crossed his mind. But he works in an office where he is the only man - he regularly talks about the women there... I have met them all so didn't worry but now... Because of comments above - should I be worried about the one he loathes?

EarthWindFire · 02/09/2014 17:35

I think sometimes reading some things on here you could tie yourself up in knots worrying and looking for things that don't exist.

Men and women are aloud to not like each other without it meaning that they are automatically having an affair.

snappycow · 02/09/2014 17:39

True. Sometimes I read stuff on here about affairs & signs and when he gets home I'm upset. He asks what's wrong... I start trying to explain and he says "stay off bloody mumsnet!"
I don't want to blindly trust him - but if you're constantly looking for things you can start to get a tad paranoid and it can maybe affect your relationship badly.

EarthWindFire · 02/09/2014 17:42

I don't want to blindly trust him - but if you're constantly looking for things you can start to get a tad paranoid and it can maybe affect your relationship badly.

I agree. This can IMO cause it's own problems

sweetnessandlite · 02/09/2014 17:54

I'd say that renewing vows is a big screaming beacon that something is wrong.

I've always thought the same.
People usually only renew their vows after they have been through some sort of upheaval.

You might as well stick a sign on your backs saying: ''we are renewing our vows because we had (or are having) trouble with our marriage.

Renewing vows is like sticking a small plaster on a great big gaping wound. Its all words.