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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH just sent me this text by mistake

176 replies

felttippens · 31/08/2014 01:52

Am going tell my mrs i left yours earlish in night about 10 n went to pub next t mine.sorry t put it on ya she probs wont ask but just in case mate. Cheers

?????

No idea what to think

OP posts:
FinnsMum19 · 31/08/2014 18:11

The fact that he drank then drove is abhorrent. I hope he gets caught next time. Hope you're ok OP and satisfied with his explanation.

momnipotent · 31/08/2014 18:16

What a lot of stress that you don't need OP.

So many things here that I find unacceptable: drink-driving, lying, deceitfulness, and in fact considering what kind of state you must be in before all of this, how could he have left you for the day anyway?

So very sorry that you are having to deal with this.

foxinthebox · 31/08/2014 18:27

did you look on the computer?

Original poster
felttippens · 31/08/2014 18:28

His phone is a blackberry not iphone x

OP posts:
maras2 · 31/08/2014 20:30

He lost his job because of drugs now he's drink/drug driving.Do you think that a visit to the GP may be in order?

temporaryusername · 31/08/2014 20:55

OP, so sorry for all you've been through this year. I can understand why you feel the need to hold it together and so you might not want to do what I'm about to suggest.

I think though that you should tell him to go to the police and hand himself in for drunk driving. Tell him that if you are to believe and/or get over this, he needs to face the consequences of having risked lives and limbs. He has committed a crime and by sheer luck, it appears no one is dead or injured. His contribution to events - deciding to drive drunk, was exactly the same in terms of intention as it would have been had something unthinkable happened.

If you drink and drive, you have a problem with alcohol. He will need to address that too. What will he do immediately - give up his licence, commit to being teetotal? He has made an enormous mistake that was potentially catastrophic. He doesn't get to just brush that under the carpet and go on as normal.

If he is covering something else up with a lie, perhaps it will come out if you push the above issue.

Original poster
felttippens · 31/08/2014 21:15

It is all a total disaster :(

OP posts:
temporaryusername · 31/08/2014 21:29

Oh OP, I feel bad for my rant now. I hope you are ok.

kaykayblue · 31/08/2014 21:51

I'm so sorry OP. One of my parents was very nearly killed by a drunk driver - they were in hospital for months, to give an idea of how serious it was.

I think you need to have a conversation with him about what he fuck he is doing messing around like this, drink driving, asking friends to lie to you, and LYING to you, while you have so much shit going on in your life. Why is he acting like a fucking idiot when you need someone to support you?

Justatoe · 31/08/2014 21:55

If he has a BlackBerry, check his BBM history & see who his contacts on there are.
BBM is a gift to anyone attempting deceit.

Original poster
felttippens · 31/08/2014 21:55

No your rant is justified

I suffer from depression alongside all this - he has no idea what it takes to deal with everything and just get through the door

My head feels poorly today, had enough

OP posts:
Original poster
felttippens · 31/08/2014 21:55

I fully expected him to grovel today, he hasn't

OP posts:
Original poster
felttippens · 31/08/2014 21:57

I fully expected him to grovel today, he hasn't

OP posts:
magoria · 31/08/2014 22:00

Sorry you are still upset OP.

This is a man who is happy to drink drive and then lie and get others to lie to cover what he has done.

I doubt you will see an apology from someone with the mindset that they are more important than others to do something like that.

Original poster
felttippens · 31/08/2014 22:12

He's normally very expressive particularly if he's upset me

I'm hoping I feel better after some sleep - feeling sickly and low

OP posts:
FinnsMum19 · 31/08/2014 22:27

Sorry you're feeling so low OP, I know how crippling depression can be. You have so much on your shoulders right now, sending you lots of strength and hugs x

UpUpAndAway123 · 31/08/2014 23:00

Hi OP,
Sorry if I've missed some of the thread (the app lets me see what it wants it to see!). It just strikes me as strange that he would preempt a situation where you would challenge him/his friend as to whether he has driven over the limit - would you usually question this? It just seems a lot of trouble to go to (texting the friend) for something that I assume most people wouldn't quiz their other halves on.
If there have been issues in the past surrounding him driving over the limit and you would normally enquire about his transport, then I can accept that the text was about that and not about e.g. OW. However I don't understand why you would bother even concocting up a lie over this-he knew it was wrong, there would be repercussions and should have got a taxi.
I hope you manage to sleep and get your answers x

wafflyversatile · 31/08/2014 23:19

Sorry you're having such an anxious time.

The drink thing doesn't really make sense to me.

Had he gone to football and then the pub he would be over the limit by 10 anyway.

What would the timing be?

match at 3pm finish at 5pm drop ds off, at pub by 6pm? leave pub at 10pm sober enough to be under the limit?

Sounds like when he left his mate he had already had a conversation about whatever he was going to be doing and what he would tell you but not decided, hence the later update text to his friend that came to you instead.

RJnomore · 31/08/2014 23:27

So what do we think
Either -

He is cheating
He is on drugs
He is drink driving

Not really a great list to pick from is it?

simontowers2 · 01/09/2014 01:45

temporaryusername Sun what planet are you on suggesting he hands himself in for drink driving? Jesus wept, what do you seriously think the police would do in such a scenario? What about people who drive at 35 in a 30 zone? Should they go hand themselves in also?

Also, this:

If you drink and drive, you have a problem with alcohol. He will need to address that too. What will he do immediately - give up his licence, commit to being teetotal?

Im sorry but this is just subjective nonsense. What if the guy drives for a living and the family needs his income to pay the mortgage? Who benefits here if he gives up his driving license? If you are going to make such sweeping suggestions, at least back them up with some practical solutions.

StevesBollockAnalogy · 01/09/2014 06:30

Going teetotal would not be subjective nonsense simon, it's probably the best thing he could do for his family if this story is true.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 01/09/2014 07:13

simontowers if he drives for a living, and he were my DH, I would either demand he stop drinking altogether or he would be out the door. If this WAS a situation of drink/drive (and I'm not convinced entirely that it is at this point), and he has a history of it, then he needs to accept that he doesn't have control over his drinking. It's selfish and dangerous and needs to stop. I could not respect or be with someone who acted like that.

IcecreamWhatSandwich · 01/09/2014 13:26

simontowers if he drives for a living, doesn't that mean that he is risking the family livelihood and possibly the family home every time he drink drives, since he could face a driving ban if breathalysed?

WeAreAllStarDust · 01/09/2014 13:28

How are you feeling OP?

temporaryusername · 01/09/2014 16:01

Simontowers Since you ask, earth.

I don't need to suggest practical solutions. I wish I could, but a lack of practical solutions does not mean it is acceptable to continue being an irresponsible driver. I was suggesting that the OP pressure her husband to take drink driving seriously, or if that was not what happened, to realise that it isn't an easy excuse and come clean about what did happen.

I do not think it is 'subjective nonsense' to say that if you drive after drinking you have a problem with alcohol. At the bare minimum, it means that you are someone who has failed on a least one occasion to make a safe decision when under the influence. I call that a problem. Many people can drink and realise that they shouldn't drive. Again, if someone can't, it is a problem. I will state again, a potentially fatal problem.