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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH just sent me this text by mistake

176 replies

felttippens · 31/08/2014 01:52

Am going tell my mrs i left yours earlish in night about 10 n went to pub next t mine.sorry t put it on ya she probs wont ask but just in case mate. Cheers

?????

No idea what to think

OP posts:
Jengnr · 31/08/2014 09:26

Can you access his online bill? That will tell you what numbers he's actually been texting/calling all evening.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/08/2014 09:29

The 'mate' is someone you know OP. Not someone you're particularly close to but someone you might have a chat with and say 'did you and DP have a good time on Saturday?' The 'mate' is being asked to cover for DP who was not where he said he was. So they'd have to be a particularly good friend that DP trusts. There may be only one or two people who fit that description

So the questions you ask DP are... who is 'mate'? .... why are you asking them to cover for you? .... where were you really until 10pm?

Good luck

Gumnast2014 · 31/08/2014 09:29

I agree with others you need to ask outright.

Any history of cheating?

Original poster
felttippens · 31/08/2014 09:31

Ridiculous isn't it but I haven't got energy to confront - i can't risk getting very upset, I have to be at hospital for my mum
Plus I haven't cried since dad's funeral scared I'll fall apart

OP posts:
FrontForward · 31/08/2014 09:33

Treading. Do what you need to do to get through this time and then tackle it. Don't make any decisions that you have to live with under pressure

Original poster
felttippens · 31/08/2014 09:35

No history of cheating no

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 31/08/2014 09:35

If he deleted the message to you, does he know you've got it? You could be in the awkward situation of both of you knowing.

I can imagine how hard it is but I think this is going to eat away at you until you get some answers. You don't have to ask now, today or this week. Gayer your internal reserves. You'll need to tackle this at some point though. Think how to do it in the way that will work best for you.

aermingers · 31/08/2014 09:44

I don't think it's an affair because the window of time seems to short and there doesn't seem to be anything else to suggest an OW. I reckon either he went lapdancing, to a casino and lost money or to a nightclub if OP wouldn't approve of that.

notapizzaeater · 31/08/2014 09:49

So is the text he sent you there or was that after 7? What sort of ohm e is it , I never delete messages on my iphone but think if you put in keywords it will,search through all deleted ones too ? Some expert might be along to tell you how.

Poor you bad bad timing on top,of everything else. Perhaps it was drugs but he knows how fragile you are didn't want to stress you out ?

ArsenicyOldFace · 31/08/2014 09:58

Cog's right. The 'she probs wont ask but just in case' means you probably won't ask, or mention it to, the friend directly but you might.

Don't confront if you don't want to yet. You have a lot on your plate. It will keep.

Sorry you're having to deal with this on top.

Livvylongpants · 31/08/2014 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Taffeta · 31/08/2014 10:11

So sorry you're going through all this op.

I would leave my phone out open at the text (having first screen shot it) somewhere he will see it. So he knows you have seen it.

magoria · 31/08/2014 10:15

Actually if you got that text instead of the mate. The mate will be unaware of things and you could ask him casual questions...

Stealthpolarbear · 31/08/2014 10:21

It sounds like they'd set the foundations of this deception though (at the pub) and the text was just a confirmation/reminder

Polonium · 31/08/2014 10:22

I would just ask him: why are you asking people to cover for your whereabouts lat night? Where were you and why are you involving our friends in your deception? And tell him no bullshit because you have no spare energy for lies.

He might not know he didn't send the text to his friend and sent it to you instead. So he may think his friend has contacted you.

What an arse.

yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo · 31/08/2014 10:27

What an arse

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 31/08/2014 10:35

It's possible he deleted it all without realising that he'd sent the text to you.

ArsenicyOldFace · 31/08/2014 10:37

Yes Alice - just deleted everything to cover his tracks?

Quitelikely · 31/08/2014 10:57

I would ask him which mate he was with. Then I would say I know you're lying because he was not with you at that time as so and so saw him.

Tell him you have firm proof he was elsewhere and to start talking.......

FrancesNiadova · 31/08/2014 11:29

I'm afraid that I'd be very calm today & snoop like hell.
Hope you're OK Thanks

ArsenicyOldFace · 31/08/2014 11:41

I'm afraid that I'd be very calm today & snoop like hell.

Yes or sew a name tape on to his scrotum

Hope your hospital visit goes ok Flowers

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/08/2014 11:45

You say you can't risk getting upset but you already sound upset imagining what lies behind the text. If you ask the questions you may not like the answers but if you don't ask, you'll torment yourself. Good luck at the hospital

HallowedVera · 31/08/2014 11:51

Sounds to me like he spent time with OW when he was supposed to be elsewhere and that text is to his mate asking them to provide an alibi.

Sorry OP. But if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

perfumedlife · 31/08/2014 12:12

Quite apart from the dodgy deleted texts, he doesn't exactly sound supportive. You have had all this bereavement and stress and he spends all day Saturday at the match, fishing and the pub? Is that a normal Saturday for you OP?

Fontella · 31/08/2014 12:15

The text is not the slightest bit lovey do ey. A bit odd but dosnt strike me as sexy ow shenanigans. Mate? Really?!

The text is to a 'mate' asking him to provide an alibi. Why would it be 'lovey dovey?' He is asking someone to lie for him and say he is somewhere he isn't, if OP asks.

That alibi could be needed for any number of reasons, and yes an OW could be one of them. He is clearly lying to OP and asking someone else to lie to her as well, and there has to be a reason for that.

The fact that he's deleted everything from his phone from 7pm onwards is very suspicious indeed. After he accidentally sent that text to his wife he deleted everything, so whether it's drugs, OW, or something else, he is clearly up to something he doesn't want his wife to find out about to the extent that he is asking someone else to lie on his behalf.