How do I tell him I don't want to go back to work?

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

DS starts school in two weeks. He's going straight into full-time, which frees up a large chunk of the day for me. Because of this, DH has started on about me going back to work. The thing is, I don't really want to.

We don't desperately need the money, things are tight but we manage. I never had anything resembling a career, and the only work I could realistically do is shop/cleaning work - I was more than happy to give that up, and I really don't want to go back to that, particularly if there's no financial gain (which there wouldn't be after childcare.) Besides that, I've been working on a novel for the last year and a bit, and the dream is to write full- time. The extra time I gain from DS being at school would be the perfect transition to that, but DH sees it as just a hobby. Which it is, I guess, but I'd love to make it my career, even if I don't make much money from it.

I just don't know how to talk to DH about all this, he's all but decided I'll be going back to full-time work outside the home, to the point where he's getting annoyed at the fact I'm not really looking. It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job.

OP- people would be able to offer a lot more advice if you answered the questions about whether you have written elsewhere or got an agent- it would give an idea as to where you are in your writing career.

You aren't being very fair putting all the expectation on him to earn all the money, you can still pursue your dreams whilst having a small income you know.

What would you do if you were single? Another poster asked something something similar.

whether you have written elsewhere

The OP has already addressed that

In an ideal world I'd be a zoo keeper or an animal stroker.

As these are totally unrealistic and not well paid I suck it up, and go out to work in my 'conventional' job every day, I try to help out a local animal charity to get my 'dream job fix'.

This is life.

Get a job, write in your spare time/evenings. I know many published authors through my job and they all started whilst in full time employment.

the happiness of individuals is not the goal of family life. if you wanted to pursue your individual happiness despite it not being in the interests of others in the family, i mean this kindly, then family life is probably not for you. single life is quite good for that, though. or, being married but childfree.

i'm not saying that you have to be miserable in order to have a family life, but i am saying that there are many, many times in a family where one individual's happiness comes second to the wellbeing of the whole.

there are a lot of very good reasons for you to bring money into the family (even if it's very little, on balance, at the start) and to maintain a network of contacts. it is quite, quite risky for only one person in the family to work - again, for many reasons.

the fact that your dh likes his job isn't a reason that you shouldn't be economically active. it's very odd that you fixate on that, tbh. i really, really hope you're not using that as an argument when discussing this with him, because it's going to make him look at you like a child who has no grasp of adult responsibilities.

you can set yourself up SO nicely to be a ft writer, but you do need to present a proper business case, not rely on emotional arguments around your "happiness".

i think you have to give it a go then. tell him this is your dream. ask for a year's grace, and see where you are then.

I have been the sole earner doing a job I love. (Not sure I'd quite describe it as "following my dream - that would have been to join NASA - but let's not quibble too much.)

It's fucking hard. Really, really, eat into your soul hard when the entire family's financial well being rests on your shoulders. And that's pressure on top of what might well be (and was in my case) a very demanding job.

Please don't assume that it's all a bed of roses for your DH just because he loves his career.

The relief I felt when my DP graduated and started earning can't be described.

Plenty of people gave writing-related or animal-related careers a shot for a couple of years Kelly. Some made a go of it, some moved on to other things. Neither are outlandish fields of ambition.

Get a job working a couple of nights, you get to write in the day that way your DH and your family get more than the 'occasional treat'.

Oh for goodness sake op. You are an adult with a child. Grow up and contribute to the household finances. I know very few people who are fortunate enough to be in jobs they adore. Write in your spare time & when the cash starts rolling in then make it your career.

Maybe your Dh wants more than just to get by? Maybe he wants more than that and considering he is the only one working, his wants should be considered too.

Arsenic it's common misconstrued that Mills&boon novels are easy to knock out and that they accept one so long as it's been completed. Not true. they are immensely hard to write, particularly if you don't love and read that genre. A friend spent well over a decade submitting to them, writing novel after rejected novel and has finally landed a contract with them. She was always very good but they are exacting in their standards. Unless M&B is what you long to write, don't go down that route OP.

Very few novelists earn a living. Another friend is a very well known and well-respected novelist who exists on her teaching income, and that teaching takes her all over the country. Hard to do if you have a very small child. But even that sort of teaching is highly prized among writers. Don't assume just because you write a book it will sell. Finishing it is just the beginning of a very long journey for most writers. (Not all, I know. Some are lucky and have a natural voice and great sense of story but for most it's a very steep learning curve.) Again, most writers I know (I work with writers) have about three unpublished novels under the bed. It's almost impossible to get right first time.

I'm not suggesting you shouldn't do it. It's a great idea. You must make time for it. But to really dedicate time to it and maybe even invest in some workshops and consultancy feedback, you're better off earning.

Your partner wants you contribute and that would be fair. Resentment could build up between you if not. Children get more and more expensive. Clothes cost more. there are endless school trips and clubs and subs and uniforms for all sorts of sports etc.

Novelists get isolated. You want to be in the world, getting out into it each day, seeing different people, musing on strangers. Funnily enough unskilled jobs are some of the best for this. In a shop you meet all sorts and you can store those characters up. As a domestic cleaner you get insight into different types of lives and tastes and habits. As a professional cleaner you work in offices for all sorts of industries - great fodder for fiction.

In your place I'd earmark three days at home a week - two to write and one to keep house, and two days a week to work. You could reasonably argue to your DP that this income won't be much less than you'd earn working longer hours as the majority of women's pay gets eaten up in childcare, tax and travel costs. Two days a week during school hours could bring in an extra £50-100 which is enough to make a difference.

OP - why wouldn't a 2-3 day a week job be acceptable to you? Why wouldn't 2 full days when your DC is at school, so 11 hours after you've done the school run, be enough? Surely a compromise like that for the start, until you get some interest in your novel would be worth it for you both? Even if you only brought in a little each month after wrap around childcare, anything would take the pressure off your DH, give you more 'treat' money as a family. Show you are trying to 'pull your weight'.

I am a little bias though, I know 2 very good writers who have agents and have been for nearly 2 years trying to get publishing deals for their books. Both have full time jobs and write in their lunchbreaks and evenings. They don't have DCs, but realiastically, even when your book is finished, it could easily be several years before you get a deal for it - if ever. The world is full of very good unpublished books.

"What about the level of resentment if I get a job purely because he wants me to? Is my happiness any less important than his?

So you get to opt out of providing for yourself and your children as you obviously see work as beneath you and he gets no say? He's obviously unhappy shouldering the burden but has done so for a good number of years.

You need to live in the real world. Millions have jobs they don't like but do so to pay bills, share the load etc. If you want to write then do it in the evenings.

As other posters have said, I really think doing a bit of work would get you out of the house and able to find material and inspiration for your writing. Even if it's voluntary work. I'd suggest doing something interpersonal such as Samaritans (who have a letter writing/email service) to build your character craft.

I agree with others that you can find freelance writing contracts to subsidise your novel - sites such as oDesk are good for these.

I get it, OP, I really do. I too am writing a novel, as are many here. But if I was sitting at my desk all day, I think I'd run out of juice. The things I've picked up from my job, my colleagues, the bus etc have been endlessly helpful for my writing.

Another one who thinks you need to compromise or time limit the attempt at making a dream career. Did you support dh financially to train for his dream career? As then it would seem fairer, otherwise you're expecting paid support from him while not really having supported him/out earned him at any point. Relationships do have to be two way. Can you agree he retires early or gets paid back for supporting your dreams at some point?

Arsenic it's common misconstrued that Mills&boon novels are easy to knock out and that they accept one so long as it's been completed. Not true. they are immensely hard to write, particularly if you don't love and read that genre.

They are a tight house style and formula (and length).

I personally very much disagree about needing to love the genre. You DO need to enter into the spirit and style.

You can either do it or you can't. It's a good discipline in fact.

There is no harm in reading the guidelines.

Can I say, too, as someone who writes for a living (though not fiction) that more time to write doesn't necessarily result in more writing? Much of writing is procrastination and faffing. The task expands to fill the time available. Having a job (and some structure to your time) need not make you a less productive writer. One of the most productive periods of my life wad the tome when my only available writing window was 30-40 mins each morning while the DCs were napping!

Arsenic: to be a zoo keeper, you now HAVE to havea degree in a science, they brought this in as everyone in the world it seems wanted to do the job.

I paid be a zoo keeper for the day ( you can do this at some of the uk's amazing zoos!) and met so many people in the actual job, who had put themselves through uni, only to fight for years to get a job as it's still so oversubscribed, then they spent 70% of the day shovelling shit, on a shit salary.

Yes, they were happy.

But I decided I would rather go back to my well paid job, which I do enjoy, despite it not being 'a dream' and indulge my whims in my own time.

As, funnily enough, I am not about to take three years off work to do a science degree, then go through all of the above.

How can you resent him? You've (presumably) chosen to have a child and live in a home - both of which need money to sustain.

The house has 2 adult owners / tenants and the child has 2 parents. Why should the sole responsibility for maintaining them fall to one person or cause resentment to one person who doesn't want to earn towards its upkeep?

Can I ask the OP again.... What would you do if you were single?

I worked in publishing years ago but left to become an English teacher. Writing which brings in no money is no more than a hobby. I don't think it is fair to expect to have a full time hobby which may or may not eventually provided an income when your husband has to work full time.

If you want to write full time and he doesn't want then, that there is going to be huge resentment unless you compromise. The best compromise would be to plan your book and write a good opening chapter in your spare time, send it to agents with a synopsis etc and then, once it is accepted and you are given a publishing deal then give up work to write the rest of the book full time. He can have no complaints if you really are a good writer and making money that way.

Think about your husband coming home and saying that his passion has always been playing the guitar and he wants to give up work so he has time to practise and get really good, with the aim of him and his mates making it big as a band. You'd think he was mad. You'd tell him to gig in the evening and weekends until he got a record deal, and only then could he give up work. Otherwise, it is no different than being unemployed.

OP i don't think you are being reasonable. You essentially suggest that it either writing or unhappiness. I think thats juvenile and incredibly self centred.

Its the sort of views one elicits from teenagers who are obsessed with becoming footballers/pop stars/vets etc. You however are not a teenage girl, you are an adult with responsibilities.

I think its perfectly possible in life to be be happy fulfilled and successful but still be able to look back wistfully and say ah yes but what i really would have liked to do would have been x, y or z.

You are lucky in respect that your dream can be pursued on a part time basis. My dream of being a professional golfer sadly could not.

Want that then

Absolutely Kelly but you did say In an ideal world I'd be a zoo keeper or an animal stroker. which is broader that just zoo keeper!