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Original poster

How do I tell him I don't want to go back to work?

518 replies

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 28/08/2014 16:30

DS starts school in two weeks. He's going straight into full-time, which frees up a large chunk of the day for me. Because of this, DH has started on about me going back to work. The thing is, I don't really want to.

We don't desperately need the money, things are tight but we manage. I never had anything resembling a career, and the only work I could realistically do is shop/cleaning work - I was more than happy to give that up, and I really don't want to go back to that, particularly if there's no financial gain (which there wouldn't be after childcare.) Besides that, I've been working on a novel for the last year and a bit, and the dream is to write full- time. The extra time I gain from DS being at school would be the perfect transition to that, but DH sees it as just a hobby. Which it is, I guess, but I'd love to make it my career, even if I don't make much money from it.

I just don't know how to talk to DH about all this, he's all but decided I'll be going back to full-time work outside the home, to the point where he's getting annoyed at the fact I'm not really looking. It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job.

OP posts:
ArsenicyOldFace · 28/08/2014 17:51

Funnily enough Arse I got it from here.

Ah but in this case, 'going back to work' and 'working' generally aren't the same thing are they?

rookiemater · 28/08/2014 17:52

Great answer thestamp

googoodolly · 28/08/2014 17:54

Can't you get a freelance writing job you can do from home? It means you don't need childcare, you're bringing in an income and you can write your own personal work on the side?

furcoatbigknickers · 28/08/2014 17:55

If your not going to make any money there is no point unless you want to work. However, you don't seemed to have looked at school hour jobs. Your DH has a point. Personally I wouldn't work weekends or evenings when all my fcs are at school unless it was part of my career or I was desperate for cash.

furcoatbigknickers · 28/08/2014 17:56

Dcs

ArsenicyOldFace · 28/08/2014 18:00

If you need an income to cross-subsidise your 'proper' writing, consider this OP;

www.millsandboon.co.uk/Content/ContentPage/8

Mills and Boon are the famous imprint, there are others. You need to be able to suspend literary snottiness/standards/whatever but you can use a pseudonym and it is easier on the knees than cleaning Wink I know two published authors who have done it.

ArsenicyOldFace · 28/08/2014 18:00

(I felt like I was suggesting prostitution then Grin )

furcoatbigknickers · 28/08/2014 18:02

at easier on the knees brainbleach

GnomeDePlume · 28/08/2014 18:02

Funny how DH following his dream has put food on the table while the OP's following her dream doesnt seem to have the same constraints.

IME a lot of people make the most of their need to work (to earn the money). They get a lot of satisfaction from it. The thing is though that for most they wouldnt do the same work if the company stopped the salary cheque.

ArsenicyOldFace · 28/08/2014 18:03

Ah that'll be why it felt grubby fur Grin

thestamp · 28/08/2014 18:03

^ nowt wrong with M&B! Very good suggestion. Nora Roberts is worth $150 million and she started out in Silhouette (now part of same company as M&B).

there is a lot of money in romance and it's a lot of fun to write.

(i may or may not be a romance novelist)

rollonthesummer · 28/08/2014 18:04

I presume if you were living alone and had to support yourself, you wouldn't have the luxury of not having to work at a mindless job and try to make your fortune being a writer. The only difference now is you think your DH should support you. If he disagrees-you can't do it, it really is as simple as that. I don't see how a marriage could sustain that level of resentment.

Millions of us out there go to work every day in jobs we would rather not have to go to in order to pay the bills and support our families. It's not the 1950s; most women I know work.

You say your DH is living his dream. What does he do? Does he really skip off happily to work every day and love every second of it? Would he still do it if he won the lottery and didn't need to work?

Vivacia · 28/08/2014 18:05

I don't think the OP is after advice on how to become a writer - it sounds as though she already is. She wants advice on how to broach this with her husband.

ArsenicyOldFace · 28/08/2014 18:06

nowt wrong with M&B! Very good suggestion.

Some people react vairrrrry badly thestamp

ArsenicyOldFace · 28/08/2014 18:07

Viv we're telling her how to make money while she works on her Magnum Opus. That IS how to sell it to her DH.

morethanpotatoprints · 28/08/2014 18:07

Gnome

We don't know that the OP following her dream won't put food on the table.
The OP has said that she doesn't need to work and that if she did the childcare would out weigh the wage.
I don't judge her for not wanting to work for no profit.
I do agree though that most people wouldn't continue to work in the same job if the salary cheque stopped.

rookiemater · 28/08/2014 18:08

It's not that easy though just to churn out a M&B - I should know, I tried it!

OP you say your DH is doing his dream job - acid test, if he won the lottery would he continue to do it?

FrontForward · 28/08/2014 18:08

Broaching it with your husband.... Show him this thread or say what you have said on here

ArsenicyOldFace · 28/08/2014 18:09

rookie some people take to it very easily. Honestly.

No harm in looking at the guidelines.

MaryWestmacott · 28/08/2014 18:10

could you not compromise with your DH that you'll look for part time work, split cleaning tasks and he'll take DC at least 50% of the joint free time so you can write?

There are a lot of school hour jobs available, if you could look at one of those you wouldn't have childcare to pay for. Or 2-3 full day jobs, you would have to get childcare for those days, but on the others, you'd have the 5.5 hours your DC was at school to follow your passions, 11 hours a week (plus half the 'free time' at weekends) is far more than most people get to dedicate to their hobbies, and until you have book to publish, it's just a hobby now.

do you have an agent yet? Might help your DH take your writing seriously if you had one...

brokenhearted55a · 28/08/2014 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chennai · 28/08/2014 18:10

It's a tricky subject to broach with your DH because he does have a point. (I'm speaking as a published author who freelances most of the time!)

If you're really set on finishing your novel full-time, it's a good idea to write a business plan, as thestamp suggested. Then maybe discuss having a set timeframe - whatever you as a couple feel you can afford, but maybe two or three months - after which you'll look for a PT job.

That might make it easier to talk to your DH as it will show you've thought it through and are planning to contribute financially.

ArsenicyOldFace · 28/08/2014 18:11

do you have an agent yet? Might help your DH take your writing seriously if you had one...

Good question.

How far have you got?

Original poster
DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 28/08/2014 18:15

I wouldn't say he skips off happily every day, everyone has rough times at work, but he honestly enjoys the work he does. If we won the lottery, yes, he would still do it, he wouldn't give it up for anything.

What about the level of resentment if I get a job purely because he wants me to? Is my happiness any less important than his?

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 28/08/2014 18:18

MoreThan

No we dont know that the OP will earn enough by writing to feed her family but I will hazard a guess that she wont (practically all writers dont)

No they dont need for the OP to earn but she has admitted that money is tight.

Perhaps her DH was looking forward to her starting to work to take some of the sense of responsibility as sole bread winner off his shoulders. Perhaps he was hoping that she would start to work and that over time she would start to make a financial contribution. Perhaps he has been looking forward to a time when things werent so tight. We dont know.