How do I tell him I don't want to go back to work?

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

DS starts school in two weeks. He's going straight into full-time, which frees up a large chunk of the day for me. Because of this, DH has started on about me going back to work. The thing is, I don't really want to.

We don't desperately need the money, things are tight but we manage. I never had anything resembling a career, and the only work I could realistically do is shop/cleaning work - I was more than happy to give that up, and I really don't want to go back to that, particularly if there's no financial gain (which there wouldn't be after childcare.) Besides that, I've been working on a novel for the last year and a bit, and the dream is to write full- time. The extra time I gain from DS being at school would be the perfect transition to that, but DH sees it as just a hobby. Which it is, I guess, but I'd love to make it my career, even if I don't make much money from it.

I just don't know how to talk to DH about all this, he's all but decided I'll be going back to full-time work outside the home, to the point where he's getting annoyed at the fact I'm not really looking. It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job.

Sorry, my post is full of typos and really hard to read! On a phone!

Arsenic: animal stroker was a little joke. I have yet to see that As a job title (but do tell me me if you do, I'll be all over it!)

Zoo keepers get paid, albeit poorly. Budding novelists don't.

(hit enter too soon)

Was just suggesting Kelly that a lot people make the choice you did for rational reasons.

No harm in having a shot at your dream career first though, particularly if you are worried about having regrets later.

Sorry, you are being dumped on a bit and I don't want to do the same, but there are a couple of things I think you should consider:

1. Just because your husband loves his job, doesn't mean that it's not stressful being the sole earner. Even 'stable' professions (e.g. law) have redundancy sweeps now and then.

1. What would you do if he leaves you or dies or is injured so can't work? Sorry, depressing I know, but this happens to a lot of women and you can find yourself living a miserable existence if you haven't got a way to earn a living.

1. The vast majority of writers don't make a living from it, even ones which are household names can end up with what is a very low salary to most people. So the odds of you being able to contribute financially to a substantial degree at any point are very long.

I know you said you wanted advice on how to broach it with your husband but I'm afraid I think his concerns are valid and will be hard to overcome or alleviate. You might have some success with doing a deal like 'If I haven't got an agent by XX date I will get a job.'

Are there no more fulfilling jobs (more than shop work I mean) that you could start training for?

Can'tbelieve if I was single I wouldn't have a bloody choice about work. I also would have worked for the last four years, never washed a single pair of boxer shorts and eaten a lot more chocolate. I'm not single, so why does it matter what I'd do if I was?

Zoo keepers get paid, albeit poorly. Budding novelists don't.

Arsenic: animal stroker was a little joke. I have yet to see that As a job title (but do tell me me if you do, I'll be all over it!)

Not a chance kelly, I'd nab it

I took you to mean 'zookeeper or some job involving direct animal care'. There are loads of those.

Which is an approach the OP could (maybe should) take with writing. Writing encompasses dozens and dozens of jobs. Many of which pay much more reliably. Which is what my M&B suggestion was about.

I have wanted to be a writer as far back as I can remember. Every English teacher told me I should be an author. I've had articles published. When I was on maternity leave I did write a book. It was not accepted by any publishers. When I was on maternity leave again, I finished another which I had been writing between having the dcs. Again it wasn't published.

Sometimes dreams are just that.

Throughout that time I had a job. I don't love the job, but I have never considered giving up my work to concentrate on my writing. There is time in the evening where I could write if I wanted to. I need to bring in real money. My dh loves his job, but that doesn't mean that I should sit at home writing while he earns. If you had a part time job, you would have plenty of time to write, and at the same time be able to contribute in your dh eyes.

You are lucky in that the thing you want to do can be achieved in your spare time at home, you don't have to give anything up to try it. Hope you find a compromise.

There's something obstructive and a bit provocative about your posting style OP. What did you want from this thread when you started it?

OP - What if your husband had the same dream? What if he wants to buy and sell antique cars, for example, or do something else that will require time and might not make a good return?

Would you let him? Or would you tell him that he needed a stable income?

He probably is happy doing his job. I'm happy with mine. That doesn't mean that if the pressure eased and I could do anything, I'd be doing this. It means that it fits me well, within the confines of what I need - namely a big enough salary to support myself.

I have written for a living though, for a good few years. I made enough money to support myself - not a huge amount, but it averaged at about £30,000 a year. I'm happy to give tips, but you have a much bigger barrier at the moment. That being that you'll resent your husband if he makes you work, and he'll resent you if you don't.

There's something obstructive and a bit provocative about your posting style OP. What did you want from this thread when you started it?

Agree, there is more than a touch of petulance/pouting to the overall tone and if that's creeping in to discussions with DH, i can see why he might dig his heels in, in a big way.

It does make a difference OP. You are happy for your DH to potentially be the only bread winner in your family so you can indulge in your dream/desire to write without any reliable or regular income. You know he wants you to work as a means of contributing financially but you perceive that as him viewing you as 'worthless' unless you are working. The fact that you state you wouldn't have a choice if you were single but are now happy to allow your DH to shoulder all financial responsibility because you have washed his boxer shorts for four years just makes you sound selfish and quite immature to be frank.

All I've ever wanted to do is write. I'm good at it and have had the odd thing published. There are always stories and books on the boil. I've never been married, and brought up my daughter alone. I would like to have sat at home "following my dream". The fact is, life isn't very sympathetic to dreams. You need to be able to feed yourself and your offspring, so I've always worked.

Why shouldn't you, just because you happen to be married?

DontGiveAway is there an element of you being upset that you feel your DH does not recognise your worth (SAHM role) or potential (writing talent)?

Do you feel he is defining (or trying to define) you by the lowest staus role available to you (minimum wage work)? That that is how he sees your value? Is that why you sound a bit snippy maybe?

status....

I think paying for childcare when your kid has just started school isn't necessary - one of you might need to take time off when your child is sick and that burden often falls on one parent more than the other.

If it was me I would get a job 9-1, this will greatly improve money bringing in about £130 a week. And then write for a couple of hours and in the evening.

You have a right to pursue happiness too. Giving up so much time out of the workplace makes it very difficult to suddenly leap back into it.

You could also set a deadline for 'success' - write 3 chapters, send them to publishers. And then if it doesn't work out go back to other work.

Perhaps you could teach creative writing in a local college in the evenings? I did similar 2 nights a week to keep my hand in.

Suddenly getting a job right now for 2 weeks time doesn't really leave enough time to settle the kid in either - working towards January might be a good deadline?

My posting was a bit disjointed because I was wrangling a crochety child, sorry about that.

Arsenic it does kind of feel that way - he puts a lot of stock in what people do and is very business-oriented, he's not overly keen on creative pursuits - so he sees my writing as a frivolity and doesn't like me spending time on it when I could be doing more serious things. But we're very different people, I need the creative outlet and can't stand drudgery.

If I sounded petulant, it wasn't meant to come across that way, I've just hit the end of my rope with this whole situation. And didn't take too kindly to the first bunch of replies basically telling me I was selfish.

if I get a job purely because he wants me to?

People get jobs to pay the bills and the mortgage. Most of us would rather not do it, but there you go. It sounds like you are being petulant and acting like you are too good to do anything other than be a writer!?

I think you should show your DH this thread.

he puts a lot of stock in what people do and is very business-oriented

then this is a marvellous "in" for you OP. if he is like this, a proper business plan with figures and projections will help him get onside.

creative people who are the most successful are the ones who are also business-oriented. being creative doesn't mean you get to neglect the figures. the two worlds are not mutually exclusive - not in the slightest.

you say you never really had a career before the DCs, and it does show, tbh. DH probably has a lot to teach you about making money and living in that world where deals get done and stuff gets bought and sold, so apprentice yourself to him where you can and start thinking like a businesswoman in terms of your writing.

writing a business plan would help you start getting into his mindset.

Yes, I see.

Well I suggest you start taking a very business like approach to your own writing and insist that he takes you seriously.

There is some very good advice on the thread that will help I think. Read it again once your DS is asleep.

A good MA or writing group might help too.

I think I see where you are coming from, but to be honest I think you were born in the wrong era. Just because you DC is now off to school you haven't earnt the right to sit back and become a lady authoress wafting around the house thinking lofty thoughts. Life is expensive and your DH is having to carry the financial burden solely on his shoulders. You ask about your feelings being less than important than your DH, tbh you've had the luxury of not having to go straight back to work after maternity leave like most of the female population. Now it's time to contribute and support your DH. If he was happy to carry on solo then great you can pursue your dream, but he isn't and has the right to say so, this is the 21st century!

As many of the already published authors have said (which you seem to have ignored so far) its virtually impossible to support yourself by writing alone. You need to have a sideline, however 'demeaning' you feel this to be. Your DH may be in a job he loves but surely that's a good thing not a source of resentment? You've been able to be at home with your DC, which I am assuming you loved whilst working on your magnum opus, time to pay the piper.

I think many posters are annoyed because whether you mean it or not your attitude is coming across as a bit spoilt. Your DH has a legtimate point and you really need to listen to his concerns if you want to keep your relationship alive.

At risk of sounding like a suck-up, thestamp's posts are the best on the thread.

basically telling me I was selfish

How would you phrase it then? It's all about your needs, your dreams, your being a little bit too good to go out and get an ordinary job like the rest of us did. If that isn't about "self" then what is it?

I have a professional career which I enjoy and earn a decent amount from. It can still be incredibly stressful and I still have days where I want to run away and pack it all in. I would be extremely resentful if DH thought my career entitled him to be a gentleman of leisure for the rest of his life.

As many of the already published authors have said (which you seem to have ignored so far) its virtually impossible to support yourself by writing alone. You need to have a sideline, however 'demeaning' you feel this to be.

But it could be another form of writing; Journalism or Copywriting or anything where you present an invoice and get paid. It can be done. It can even be done from a freelance start.