How do I tell him I don't want to go back to work?

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

DS starts school in two weeks. He's going straight into full-time, which frees up a large chunk of the day for me. Because of this, DH has started on about me going back to work. The thing is, I don't really want to.

We don't desperately need the money, things are tight but we manage. I never had anything resembling a career, and the only work I could realistically do is shop/cleaning work - I was more than happy to give that up, and I really don't want to go back to that, particularly if there's no financial gain (which there wouldn't be after childcare.) Besides that, I've been working on a novel for the last year and a bit, and the dream is to write full- time. The extra time I gain from DS being at school would be the perfect transition to that, but DH sees it as just a hobby. Which it is, I guess, but I'd love to make it my career, even if I don't make much money from it.

I just don't know how to talk to DH about all this, he's all but decided I'll be going back to full-time work outside the home, to the point where he's getting annoyed at the fact I'm not really looking. It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job.

I agree, that you are ignoring a lot of points.

Why haven't you spoken to him about it?

If your DH has decided that you have to work full time, then what arrangements has he made for childcare? If you are in a minimum wage job, then the before and after school childcare, along with childcare for up to 12 weeks of holiday a year will be expensive, and he will have to use his salary to contribute to this.

I also don't buy this line at all It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job
You just don't want to work but are dressing it up with some sort of psycho-babble crud

Wow. Harsh!

Can't you compromise OP? Writing can get lonely without any kind of adult interaction. Two days a week of something else, say, could give ou good balance.

If you are writing fiction, why not pick a job in somewhere like a cafe, where you get to listen to people interact? To help with dialogue.

After all, we could all say it's a bad idea and he might say, "of course, darling!" or we could all say, it's a great idea and he might say, "no chance.". Ultimately, it's nothing to do with us and with your talk of contingency plans and already published work, what exactly is it you're hoping for on here?

I think if you're any good, put your money where your mouth is!

If you can bring in money from writing then do it. If not, then it's a hobby. Everyone thinks they're a writer in fairness. If you're good show him with cheques and cash.

Otherwise, pull your weight!

Clearly your DH doesn't think it is ok otherwise he wouldn't by your own words be getting annoyed that you are not really looking for a job.

Has he factored in the cost of childcare (before/after school, holidays) and the fact that he will probably have to share far more of the household duties ..? Because it sounds to me that he may be focused purely on the extra money coming in, not the overheads or loss of leisure time.

He's already following his dream - he has a career, that he enjoys and that he is doing well in. This is why it's bothering me!

I don't see why you need 5 x 9-3 to "throw" yourself into writing. When I was serious about writing I managed to do about 1000 words in an hour or so a day. You simply do not need huge chunks of time where you sit around thinking about being a writer.

I don't see why it's not possible for you to look for part time work and pursue your writing. It's not an either/or situation.

If you hadn't met your DH and had your DS would you be in the financial position of giving up work and writing full time. I don't think you would so it's unfair to ask your DH to ask your DH to fund your dream to this extent.

I am trying to keep up btw, but DS is busy tearing the living room apart at the same time.

Could you perhaps come up with a less open-ended suggestion - e.g. you tell your DH that you would like to have a go at taking your writing seriously, but that if you haven't achieved X in timeframe Y then you'll go back to work?

Where X = getting an agent, had a short story published in a magazine, won a writing competition, or something similarly concrete.

In the mean time you could do stuff like attend a writers' group, to keep up your motivation and cement in your mind that this is a real ambition.

At the same time, bear in mind that even many successful, published novelists still have to keep a 'day job'. It's very few who make a full-time living out of their writing. Because of this, you could consider a plan B - retraining to do something you wouldn't mind doing if the novel didn't work out (something relating to writing maybe - e.g. a journalism course).

Not sure it's helpful to bleat about how you're not "worth something" unless you're working. Money makes the world go around, why would you want to make yourself so completely dependent on the goodwill of a spouse when you have so many options open to you?

If you're already published, pick up some part-time/freelance writing contracts and work from home 2-3 days a week, and write your own stuff 2-3 days a week. Simples.

Contract work pays more, hourly, than you'd get as a salaried employee, since you don't get dental/pension coverage/etc. But since DH has a career, you presumably have that cover through him, so it's not an issue for you. You would just reap the benefits of the higher hourly rate, and reduce your hours while still earning. While also building a bit of a network, just in case one day you need to work full time to support yourself.

Writing and publishing novels is a great way to build up intellectual property in your name, nothing wrong with it - as long as you're smart about promoting the books consistently, and you retain copyright/self-publish/etc, you can make a tidy sum from it. But it's a huge commitment and a bit of a gamble, and you would be better off diversifying your efforts I think.

I think you need to do two things;

a) sit down with him and make a realistic 'business case' that you have a better than average chance of being published (presumably you can)

b) accept SOME work, maybe PT, maybe voluntary, to refresh your CV, lay the foundations of your Plan B, mollify your DH, and get you out of the house a bit

Huge mistake for a writer (of any type or career stage) to just sit at a desk.

I have a friend who is a writer - she is in her words moderately successful, ie she has been published and sold quite well, but she still works as a freelance copywriter because she needs to. If you want to pursue a career in writing, why don't you work freelance, part time, and write the novel the rest of the time? She does 2/3 days a week as a freelancer, and it is relatively easy childcare wise as she is able to arrange most meetings during the school day (although not all) and then she organises her own time for assignments.

*I also don't buy this line at all It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job
You just don't want to work but are dressing it up with some sort of psycho-babble crud

Wow. Harsh!*

Not really.

If I were you I would start your plan now. Agents and publishers are good at spotting potential, so I'd say there's no reason to feel that you have to have it 100% finished before submitting it. If there's interest there then you'll be in a better position to feel like it's worth taking a chance on.

Similarly, start submitting short pieces now to reputable online and print media.

Are you involved with writers groups etc? They're a great place to meet people and get tips for places to submit.

A successful history of publication will be really helpful, so it'd definitely be worth submitting pieces as you go. This will also help to give you an idea of how realistic your plan is.

Also, how long are you thinking? I don't mean to sound horribly harsh but if your DC is about to start school then you've had quite a long time at home, and while looking after DC is time consuming, the past couple of years have presumably afforded you a bit of time to write. Perhaps you could suggest to your DH that you take a 6 month 'gap year' when your DC starts school, to finish the book, and then take up part time work while you continue to work towards getting it published?

I was actually asking for advice on how to broach the subject with DH, but it's turned into a bunch of people calling me selfish and others giving quite sound advice (much of which I had already thought of, but I still appreciate it!)

Cant I really am not sure how you are reading the OP's posts and coming away with You just don't want to work

She has quite a clear idea of what she does want to do and has made concrete progess with it, has acknowledged need for Plan B, her DC hasn't actually started school yet.....

I think you are right to take this opportunity now to try to get your literary career off the ground. If you don't you will always regret it and doing a job you hate just for the sake of doing a job when you don't need the money is madness. For one thing school hour jobs are as rare as hens' teeth and competition is often fierce.

How practical is a school hours job any way? Who would take time off is your child is ill (in the first term they all seem to go down with everything). How will the pick up/drop off work? What about the school holidays?

Is it going to be worth it for the sake of what, maybe £70?

I think you should give yourself an end date though. You will give it, say 2 years, and if your career is going nowhere you'll get a job.

Well I think you have to start by saying, "I wanted to talk to you about me returning to to work when DS starts school..." and then tell him what you've told us.

If he already knows you write and wanted to do it as a career and have had things published and you've thought of plans and contingency plans, it's hardly like you're going to be sitting him down and telling him you want to be an astronaut or work in Vegas as a showgirl. Is it?

Would your DH be open to a compromise where you get a certain time off - say a year - to see whether you can make more out of writing than you would in the kind of job you can realistically get otherwise, and if not then you promise you really will get on the wage slave bandwagon?

Because of this, DH has started on about me going back to work. The thing is, I don't really want to.

Funnily enough Arse I got it from here.

He is following his dream and has been whilst you looked after the children.
It's your turn to follow your dream.
I'm probably in a minority here but anybody I know who has been successful following their dream, didn't have a day job or a plan B or even working a closely related field, they just went for it 100% with no other side tracks.
Obviously you are a mum and you have your dc and a husband who will want some of your time, this is enough if you are to pursue your ambition.

Ok well to stick to your request then you need to talk him through your plan A and plan B that you mentioned earlier in the thread, specifically how long those are for and what your objective is.

I still can't quite see why you wouldn't even consider looking for a p/t job at the same time, so you will need to have thought that one through and come up with a more robust answer than you don't want to do cleaning or shop jobs.

OP if you want just the practical advice, here it is

• get a book out of the library on writing a business plan

• write the business plan. really think it through, get all the numbers together, get quotes on everything from letterheads to social media promotions services. include childcare expenses if any. include a diary of your day. include housekeeping time, or cost of a housekeeper. etc.

• carefully plan out how you're going to present this plan to DH. right now he is the "angel investor" as the sole breadwinner, so you need to get him onside and help him see that you are part of the team who wants to contribute and is trying to think of how to do it sensibly, not one of the children who he needs to support as she follows a pipe dream.

• book off time with him and present it to him. get his feedback, talk it through, don't be defensive or pouty about it - in other words, be a team player. ask him how you can make it work for him, elicit his criticisms of the business plans and properly hash it out together so that he feels heard and realises how serious you are.

• if he rejects it, ask him for his key issues with the plan, take them on board, go back to the drawing board and persist until you get him onside. don't allow yourself to harangue or manipulate, keep it as business like (though warm/open) as you can.

Try to keep emotions out of it. Your "passion" is not the important thing here -- only the very rich have the luxury of following their bliss when it comes to work. the vast majority of us have to temper our dreams with reality.

you might think you don't need to work, but DH might be thinking that every year you have no or little income, is another can of cat food for tea in retirement. see it from his pov and SHOW him that you see it.