How do I tell him I don't want to go back to work?

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

DS starts school in two weeks. He's going straight into full-time, which frees up a large chunk of the day for me. Because of this, DH has started on about me going back to work. The thing is, I don't really want to.

We don't desperately need the money, things are tight but we manage. I never had anything resembling a career, and the only work I could realistically do is shop/cleaning work - I was more than happy to give that up, and I really don't want to go back to that, particularly if there's no financial gain (which there wouldn't be after childcare.) Besides that, I've been working on a novel for the last year and a bit, and the dream is to write full- time. The extra time I gain from DS being at school would be the perfect transition to that, but DH sees it as just a hobby. Which it is, I guess, but I'd love to make it my career, even if I don't make much money from it.

I just don't know how to talk to DH about all this, he's all but decided I'll be going back to full-time work outside the home, to the point where he's getting annoyed at the fact I'm not really looking. It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job.

In that case you can continue to write in the evenings when your child is in bed.

If you were a bloke there would be cock lodging allegations

That is very true.

Lots of people don't want to work, I would certainly much rather stay at home in my garden/allotment/kitchen poncing about with blogs and instagram.

Unfortunately most of us just have to suck it up and do shitty, boring jobs because it enables us to eat/pay rent/clothe our children/go on holiday/afford 4 cars/stable the ponies/whatever. I would be decidedly unimpressed if DH refused to go to work because he wanted to write full time. Plenty of authors have written their first novels while working. Look at EL James

That's the thing, the only thing I've ever truly wanted to do is write, so picking something to retrain in would be an exercise in futility - it would still only be a stop-gap until I can write full-time.

I am working full time as a stop gap until I win the lottery and can pursue my hobbies and interests

Seriously can't you see that it is unfair on your DH. Maybe try to compromise by suggesting working part time till you can prove the writing will bring in an income rather than just being something you 'fancy doing'.

But it's not all about you is it?
You have to consider everyone's feelings.
If my dh decided to give up work, yes financially we would just about scrape by. But that's quite a miserable way to live. Also it puts a lot of pressure on the sole wage earner- what if they are made redundant or cannot work for a period of time?

You don't want to work, your DH wants you to work and contribute to the household..... so you now present your DH as someone who views you as worth something only if you are working..... I call bullshit on that one.

I also don't really want to give up my nights and weekends to a soulless job that I'm only doing because I "should".

Why would you only be working weekends and nights? Can you not work in the day time? Your writing ambition is nice, but possibly more of a hobby. Have you already had short pieces published? Has anyone ever read anything that you're written? If you've been home for a few years, have you not managed to get a few bits & pieces out there> And if not, why not? Being a writer sounds very romantic - many people want to do it, not many succeed. Good luck - and look for a job in the meantime

Could you maybe find a part-time job?
If you only have one ds and money is a little tight, then it's probably a good idea to start building up your confidence in a work environment. With a part time job you could pursue your writing as well?

I am a SAHM and I honestly don't know how working mums manage all the juggling, but I wouldn't want to have money worries. I am retraining in september (completely new field) to hopefully get back into work, my thinking is that by the time the children are at secondary school I want to be able to have my own thing.

You seriously have a brilliant set-up with tonnes of potential. Your husband's salary provides a financial cushion for your family, you have a hobby that enriches your life and needs nothing more than half an hour and pencil and paper, you have had time to consider different jobs and not have to take the first one that comes along. Any job is going to stop you feeling worthless and it's going to give you even more experiences, people, emotions etc to write about.

I also don't really want to give up my nights and weekends to a soulless job that I'm only doing because I "should"

Well to be fair, that's what most people's days/evenings look like... unless they're very rich or on benefits.

Get a job where you can commute on the train and write on the way there and back.

that's how I did my ILEX certificate

There is only a tiny tiny percentage of authors who make anything like comparable to a full time wage. This isn't to say you won't become the next J K Rowling but you have to be practical. I agree that a compromise is the way to go. Get a part time job and you should still have some time left for your writing. And why not try sending a short story or article to a magazine as somebody else suggested.

Have you ever been paid to write anything? Have you sent your novel out to any publishers to see if anyone is interested?

Many, many people want to write for a living. Only a very few can do it. If you really think you can make a career writing then get going in contacting publishers, magazines and wherever you think you are marketable. You are going to have to work hard to get noticed in a swamped market. What's your plan?

You need to get work or be training for work. I think you are being selfish

I agree with a lot of things other people have said. The number of people who make anything like decent money writing is vanishingly small, so likely even if you do get published you'll need another source of income - which, of course, when you become a bestselling millionaire you can give up!

Also, I don't want to be all doom and gloom, but if something happened to your husband, or your marriage didn't work out, you will regret not having had a job, I promise, if your financial position is not such that you'd be left with loads.

If you want to write, the thing that will help, aside from talent obviously, is contacts. PR contacts, publishing world contacts, helpful people in general. I'd suggest, if you're serious about it, that you aim for a low level job in publishing, journalism, PR, something like that. They're hard to get, but even a book shop job, just anything publishing/journalism/book related. It'll give you some idea of the basics of the business, and you'll meet people, which will be invaluable.

I have done paid writing work, I have had pieces published, and I have several plans in place for when the novel is finished - a main plan and contingency plans in case it doesn't pan out. I'm not a stereotypical bored housewife dabbling in writing - I've wanted to do this since I was 13, and I've kept moving towards it despite some major upheavals in my life. Now things are actually settled, we're relatively comfortable, and I want to really throw myself into it. I don't see how that's so terrible.

I agree with the others that have posted. I have just started maternity leave and am very lucky that we have budgeted well enough so I can take a year off. In an ideal world I would not go back to work and be a sahm. This is currently not viable and would be unfair on my husband as we would really struggle to make ends meet.

If you have already had writing published or got an agent lined up then maybe you could try and give the writing thing a go, but if not I would advise getting a job and if the writing kicks off you can give the job up.

I have an acquaintance who is an aspiring author. She's been slogging at it for years and she's very good (I've read some of her work), but she's found it almost near impossible to get a publisher and in the end resorted to doing it online, herself, with money from her own pocket. She makes a loss most of the time but she does it because she loves it and to get her work out here.

She also manages to do all of this whilst holding down a full time job by the way....

But you said in your op that you were not financially comfortable?

Because of all the reasons everyone has already given.

And you don't actually know he wouldn't be fully supportive of it, because you haven't spoken to him about it.

No one has said it's "so terrible", people have said you're being selfish and that it's difficult to make good money from writing (which are both true)

But the bottom line is, you haven't even spoken with him about it.

If you think it's truly viable because you've already had work published, etc, then talk to him about it.

I guess it depends on whether your husband is happy to be the sole income in your family, and the only way to find that out is to ask him. I would have a plan ready to tell him so that it doesn't come across as some wild plan than isn't going to happen.

If he says no, then I think you should compromise. This isn't just about what you want, this is his life too. Maybe he would also like to work less and follow his dreams?

I don't see how that's so terrible.

If you didn't have responsibility to your husband and child, it wouldn't be.

"things are tight but we manage" and "we're relatively comfortable" are not the same thing...

I said things are tight, but we manage. All the bills are paid, we have some savings and a little money for occasional treats. It would be nice to have more, but we have enough.

The thread is moving fast, but you seem to be ignoring a lot of points.