How do I tell him I don't want to go back to work?

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

DS starts school in two weeks. He's going straight into full-time, which frees up a large chunk of the day for me. Because of this, DH has started on about me going back to work. The thing is, I don't really want to.

We don't desperately need the money, things are tight but we manage. I never had anything resembling a career, and the only work I could realistically do is shop/cleaning work - I was more than happy to give that up, and I really don't want to go back to that, particularly if there's no financial gain (which there wouldn't be after childcare.) Besides that, I've been working on a novel for the last year and a bit, and the dream is to write full- time. The extra time I gain from DS being at school would be the perfect transition to that, but DH sees it as just a hobby. Which it is, I guess, but I'd love to make it my career, even if I don't make much money from it.

I just don't know how to talk to DH about all this, he's all but decided I'll be going back to full-time work outside the home, to the point where he's getting annoyed at the fact I'm not really looking. It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job.

I wasn't going to post my entire life story, I'm not entirely sure how the length of our marriage or the fact that he's not DSs bio dad relates to this particular issue.

I had a job for a short time, I was fired for taking time off because DS was sick.

Still doing my uni course, but obviously I can't do anything with my degree until I've actually got it, so I didn't mention it. Maybe I should have, since now some people think I'm a lazy sponger.

I'm not trying to waste anyone's time.

I think it makes a huge difference when a child is not the persons that is going out to work to provide for his/hers every need. That job should be down to the parents. Then to claim that work is drudgery, well words fail me.

Given your stance re not working, do you feel no guilt at all that it's on him? What would you do if he left as wasn't prepared to be seen as a cash point anymore?

What's your degree in OP ? Are you enjoying it?
I'm impressed that you have been paid for your writing - what was it?

Round of applause for UpTheChimney's intelligent and insightful post. So true.

So you're not a SAHP then OP? You're an undergrad student? And what in? And does your DH propose you give it up for a paid job! Oh and who looks after your DC when you study?

Still doing my uni course, but obviously I can't do anything with my degree until I've actually got it, so I didn't mention it. Maybe I should have, since now some people think I'm a lazy sponger.

I don't know whether to try to help you or throttle you.

Stop trying to rub everyone up the wrong way.

Of course having your degree course and bits of work on your CV makes a difference. I secured interesting PT paid work as an undergrad (and postgrad ftm) because my application was plucked from a stack by a manager, interested because I was a student of X. This happened more than once.

Do you really not know that. Or do you not want to know that because you want to eschew work?

More to the point, some of us were suggesting studying and writing as 'enough' for a year or two but you don't speak up and say 'well yes I'm doing that already actually'.

All these writers giving you advice and you're not being straight on a few basic details. It's not about privacy. This is information already on MN.

Infuriating.

Round of applause for UpTheChimney's intelligent and insightful post. So true.

Agree.

(and the 'fingers in ears' emoticon suggestion )

OP, I do think some of your backstory is relevant..... (and I've followed your thread since the start)

It appeared as though you were a SAHM for 5 years while your dh supported you; it sounded as though you were neither willing to work nor study, when in fact you ARE studying (yes?) and you have at times at lest made an attempt to hold down a part-time job. And presumably before you were with dh, you managed to support yourself and your ds?

That all makes a slightly different context. Are you studying something related to writing? Or at least something that will enable you to take a job that feels like less of a drudge? What is the timescale for completing your course? In terms of your future plans it makes a big difference whether you are doing a six month vocational training course which will enable you to get some more fulfilling (and possibly better paid) work, or if you are at the start of a six-year part-time degree.

However, I still think you have been given some excellent advice. And also some questions remain unanswered. You said you'd already had work published - were you paid for this, and do you know how much? (you don't have to tell us, but YOU need to know whether your writing can earn some income in the short term, and it will help you discuss the whole plan with your dh).

You have not responded to suggestions about sending the first 3 chapters of your book to a publisher / agent (which sounds like pretty sound advice from people with real experience) - do you intend to do this? It would give you a sense of how publishable your novel would be, and again it would give you some real facts for you and dh to have a discussion about.

Once your ds is settled at school, would it be possible for you to find some part-time work (even if it wasn't exciting or fulfilling) which would add to your life-experience, and which would at least bring some income. Are you willing to consider this?

But the bottom line is that you and your dh really need to sit down and agree what are the priorities for you, and for him, and for you all as a family. It sounds like your dh's dream is (not-unreasonably) to achieve for himself and his family - buy a nice house, enjoy holidays etc. And he is willing to work hard in order for this to happen. Your dream is to feel fulfilled as a full-time writer, and hopefully to earn through this. And between you, you are going to have to listen to each other, understand each other's dreams and priorities, and help each other to achieve that.

And then to agree, between you, a realistic plan to make that happen.

At the moment you're in a bit of a stalemate. You're not supporting his dream (of buying a house, having more money to fund a more comfortable lifestyle), and he's not willing to support your dream (of writing full time) which at the moment can only be achieved by him working hard to pay rent, bills etc, and not having much left over for his dreams.....

I'm leaving the thread now op having tried quite hard to support and advise you on this thread. It's easy to imagine you taking you're partner for granted because you've been so cavalier and rude here. You haven't responded to many of the questions and suggestions. I realise many of the posts at the start we're unsympathetic and unconsidered but that hasn't been the case for a while. You watched all the discussion about tertiary education and suggestions re: ways you could get some without mentioning that you are, in fact, already a student. You don't seem to feel gratitude or obligation when people are trying to help you; you just take it as your due. Up to now I'd thought that the self absorbed tone of your op was somewhat tongue in cheek, but looking at the way you've massaged the details about your partner's attitude to money, I now feel that you're actually as entitled and self absorbed as you seem. Rather than your partner wanting you to slave away providing him with luxuries that you simply don't want, it seems that your partner wishes to save for the future while you would prefer to spend disposable income on ' treats', in a way that seems underhand and wrong, considering that this chap has made it possible for you to spend your son's preschool years at home with him. It seems like you're quite skilled at getting others to tie themselves up in knots while you sit back and accept it as your due. I don't know if you have potential as a writer- many of them are selfish and self indulgent so that's not a necessarily a problem. I do wonder if you have it in you to work hard at something and if you're capable of empathy. But tbh I don't care.

Mentioning the university course matters because there's quite a difference between 'DH wants me to go back to work but I can only get a low-paid job and I want to stay at home and write' and 'DH wants me to go back to work but I can only get a low-paid job until I finish my university course, so I think that's more important, and I want to spend some time writing too'.

Your previous job also matters because people have assumed you have no work experience over the past five years, and based their advice on this. It also shows some of the problems you have alluded to - you having to take time off for your DS being sick because your DH wouldn't do it.

In your other posts you mention that you are writing science fiction - have you been selling any short stories? There is a fairly decent selection of sf magazines (mainly online now, such as Lightspeed) that publish short stories. SFX magazine have run a short story competition in the past, and Tor publishers have a website with a lot of original fiction - all possible markets for your work.

Why didn't the child's father take time off sick to look after it rather than the mother who as a result lost her job? That seems to be the problem here or the fact she could not hire someone to do that care and thus not jeopardise her original job.

All the long posts with advice and that's what you return to post , thicketofstars has a point.

I have to say that I am normally a "follow your dreams" person. And (despite other people's doubts and advice to stay in a secure job) I have made 2 major and risky career changes in my life in order that I could feel fulfilled and follow my dreams.

However each time, I did it in a way that made it manageable and reduced the risk - such as working in an amazing but low-security job (think temporary contracts and lots of competition for the role) combined with studying for a really useful qualification which would make me readily employable in another field; or building up significant savings so that I could make a change into a creative role and build up my reputation.

I now spend 80% of my time working and earning in my dream life, and yet each year I still work occasional days in a lucrative (but not so fulfilling job) because on balance that is what works. And my friend works half time in a mundane low-paid job because it allows her the freedom to follow her dream the rest of the time. It is all about working out the kind of compromise and balance that is going to make it possible.

I find the most shocking thing on this thread (so far!) is that your son is not your DH's. You have implied all along that he will not be willing to take time off for a sick child or do his share of the work and therefore it all falls on you and what a bastard he is. Well, if SHOULD all fall on you (and DS's Dad, is he in the picture?). Your DH has provided a home for you and your son and works hard to provide for you, and you expect him to continue to provide for you and a child that is not his while you arse about and write a novel? Words fail me.

Your DH is a better person than me, because I would not have tolerated any of this.

obviously I can't do anything with my degree until I've actually got it

Do you do any writing for the student union newspaper or website? Most of my friends at university who went on to write for their livings journalism started out on various student newspapers.

You learn to write to deadline, in collaboration with other, and for specific and varied audiences.

Does your DH know you are doing a degree course!? What are you doing and over how many years? Does he want you go give that up and work full time or is it only a part time course?

I feel very sorry for him. He wants a better lifestyle and is working hard to support you and your child but you seem like you want to sponge off his forever! Someone mentioned ttc- does DH know about this?!!

Oh, and thanks upthread I'm afraid my long post was mostly self-indulgent thinking out loud and trying to work out why this thread has really got me wound up!

Now I really must go & meet a deadline. I channel Douglas Adams in these moments -- hearing deadlines woosh past him.

That's the real world of writing for your living, OP

Sorry but you're not telling the truth here. Either you're a SAHP or you're a student who recently did have a job . Either your DH wants to save hard or he is a spend thrift. Either you lie to anoit the treats you like to buy or you're not remotely materialistic. First rule of writing fiction ; the internal logic must work!!!!

I actually wonder if op's intent was a windup. I agree your dh sounds long suffering, do you ever feel thankful that you've been able to sah and not worry about money for 5 yrs while your dh worked? And if I were you I'd get my degree and get some decent work, your options aren't at all what you presented unless you are a long way away from getting your degree.

Also, re paying off dh's loans, I don't at all see how you've helped him with that except for budgeting advice, he would've paid them off a lot faster if he weren't supporting someone else's ds and you...I paid off my dh's loans for him while he did 5 years of v low paid further pg study.

I am channelling Judge Rinder here: 'Someone is telling great big porky pies.'

It's sad really, as people have given good advice;' pity it's not been taken in the spirit it's been offered.

Feel a bit foolish now for being supportive

Oh dear...hard to work out what the situation really is now, but I do think a SAHP has to be mutually agreed really. I'd want to work in your situation, and have some financial independence (always useful if you don't have a private income to fall back on).

The novel almost sounds like an excuse not to work (sorry).

"I find the most shocking thing on this thread (so far!) is that your son is not your DH's. You have implied all along that he will not be willing to take time off for a sick child or do his share of the work and therefore it all falls on you and what a bastard he is. Well, if SHOULD all fall on you (and DS's Dad, is he in the picture?). Your DH has provided a home for you and your son and works hard to provide for you, and you expect him to continue to provide for you and a child that is not his while you arse about and write a novel? Words fail me. "

At one point there was also talk of confiscating his bank card as he was spending his own money, imagine the cheek of it

I'd be telling any DS of mine that was allowing this to happen to wise up and stop being a mug whilst if I had a DD telling her to get a job and fast!