How do I tell him I don't want to go back to work?

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

DS starts school in two weeks. He's going straight into full-time, which frees up a large chunk of the day for me. Because of this, DH has started on about me going back to work. The thing is, I don't really want to.

We don't desperately need the money, things are tight but we manage. I never had anything resembling a career, and the only work I could realistically do is shop/cleaning work - I was more than happy to give that up, and I really don't want to go back to that, particularly if there's no financial gain (which there wouldn't be after childcare.) Besides that, I've been working on a novel for the last year and a bit, and the dream is to write full- time. The extra time I gain from DS being at school would be the perfect transition to that, but DH sees it as just a hobby. Which it is, I guess, but I'd love to make it my career, even if I don't make much money from it.

I just don't know how to talk to DH about all this, he's all but decided I'll be going back to full-time work outside the home, to the point where he's getting annoyed at the fact I'm not really looking. It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job.

Hopeful
and I disagree with you!

The point of my post was to ask the OP if she has taken her writing out of the garret, shown it to anyone, entered competitions, thought about the opportunities to ' write a novel in a year' and the whole host of support that is out there for anyone who really wants to be published. Some of this has to be paid for, some of it, as you say, doesn't.

I didn't say that everyone had to have some kind of paid tutoring or higher education to write. But I still stand by my claim that if you want to really hone your craft ( which is what writing is) then you need to listen to what other people say about it -and ideally work with someone who is in the business, knows what publishers like - and show you are willing to learn.
Scribbling away for years on end and never having any feedback, then hoping to find an agent and get a 6-figure contract is really pie in the sky for 99.9% of writers.

Making moves like these takes it out of the 'hobby' zone and into a really serious quest for success.

I am so glad that I didn't listen to those telling me my dream was pie in the sky.
I'm glad I supported my dh to follow his dream even when mil and other people were telling him to get a proper job and his music wouldn't pay.

I no longer follow that dream, but live another dream. We aren't rich but we certainly aren't poor.

Plan B or a back up were never considerations for us, however we were realistic to know it wasn't the lifestyle for people who wanted luxuries.

Dh is still following his dream and neither of us did jobs we didn't want to do to achieve what we wanted as this would have taken us away from our ideal.

Now many years after making these decisions we can afford luxuries and life is good. I still maintain that it wouldn't be so if our dream had been reduced to hobbies.

But morethan you and your DH were in agreement and had clearly discussed it all...

How long do you intend to try to get published and earn an income from writing? Once this novel is finished, assuming it fails to generate any interest, what will you do then? Is this going to an open-ended thing? I think that perhaps if there was a time limit on this - perhaps 12 months to give it your very best shot - and then agree to find some other way of generating income (or at least return to education so that there was some hope of a non-drudge job in the future) your H might not be so averse.

I haven't ignored any points, I have taken everything on board even if I haven't replied to all of it. There was never an agreement that I would only stay at home until DS started school, we didn't really talk about it at the time.

I'm already up at 6 with DS and don't handle mornings well, I'm kinda fuzzy until I've been awake for about an hour, so getting up earlier isn't really an option as I don't function well enough to write at that point. I also struggle to keep momentum whwn I can't dedicate time to it, I try to write every evening for at least an hour when DS is in bed, but it's a struggle since DH thinks I should be focusing on more important things (ie him)

He probably wouldn't split housework 50/50 if I went back to work, he might do some childcare but it would be me taking time off when DS gets sick, because his career is more important than my NMW job. He's 30 and has worked his entire adult life, so we're not surviving on low wages, the reason things are tight are his debts from when he was young, which have almost been paid off. There'll be a significant increase in available funds once that happens. I didn't want to say all this initially because I was worried about it outing me, and I have kept it as vague as possible. But hopefully that clears up some of the speculation.

We spoke about it last night, I won't post the whole conversation but he said he was tired of just managing and wants all the nice things he had growing up - big house, two cars, foreign holidays twice a year.he can't understand why I don't want these things - to him they're normal. I grew up with less than we have now, I worked part-time around school from when I turned 16 because we needed the money, then went full-time after my gcses. So we have very different views on what is "enough."

I hope that clears up some things. I haven't been scared off, I appreciate all the views on the situation, even if some of them aren't what I want to hear!

Pumpkin

I realise this and was really just putting the point across, not very well that if the OP really wants to go for this her dh should be in support of her no matter what.

Some posters have spoken about pie in the sky and only a hobby or dream etc and they are speaking from their pov, their lifestyle choice etc.

There are people in the world who don't necessarily conform to the norm and it can be the making of them.

The only person who knows whether they really stand a chance of doing this is the OP, even her dh doesn't seem as though he knows.

OP

You need to separate out your two dilemmas:
Novel
Work

Being really blunt , the odds on making money are slim- read the info on the ACLS site about average income for writers.
But if you are intent on writing the just DO IT! Find the time - be that before school run, after dinner or at weekends. It doesn't have to either / or ( job or writing.)

If you land a publishing deal and that gives you some income, great- then re-assess.

But don't use your hobby ( and you said it was this) as a means of avoiding getting out there and contributing to the family income.
If things are 'tight' then surely another £500 or £1K a month would make life better all round?

It is a real luxury to be able to write and do nothing else and if your DH is unhappy about that option then it does not bode well for your marriage.

If dH wanted her to stay at home would this be much different

OP
How old are you?
Could you tell us?

You sound quite young.

If you and your DH has different aspirations then you need to work on that and see if you can agree. Bit surprised it's come out now and not before you married or had DCs.

Being able to give up work and write is a luxury for most. I am MUCH older than you, have worked all my life and am now thinking about giving up some of my work to focus on writing- I am already a published author.
I feel guilty about this even though we can manage very well without my income, because DH works long hours.

I'm not sure how your conscience allows you to want to do this when your DH is so against it. it does seem very selfish.

Sorry, but you sound full of excuses. You are so convinced any NMW job is so shit it's a waste of your time a d the only way you can write is to not take on any paid employment at all.

She's 24, Pink.

OP, I don't know that this thread will be doing you much good. Most posters aren't getting your position. You're not asking if you're being unreasonable are you, you're asking how to survive. I'm sorry you and your DP are on such different wavelengths. It sounds a pretty serious mismatch to be honest. I think he sounds rather selfish for expecting you to do a menial job to fund luxuries while he has something more fulfilling.

If I were you, I order some good books about writing through the library. PM me if you haven't come across any or ask on here - you'll be deluged! I would also look at how much you care about maintaining the marriage versus how much you need to pursue this dream. Perhaps it would be an option to work a few hours a week as a compromise and write as hard as you can (without mentioning it) the rest of the time. If your marriage ends, it will be harder to write.

I'm lucky in having a DH who supports my writing and I really can't imagine how lonely it must be for you. I'm sorry. Don't spend your life cleaning toilets to give some spoilt chap another week in Tenerife.

24- OMFG- younger than my children -EEK!

She's 24, she said a while back.

the reason things are tight are his debts from when he was young, which have almost been paid off. There'll be a significant increase in available funds once that happens.

• Ok, so he had his fun? And you've both shouldered the responsibility of repaying that?

How about you add up what his debts have come to, plus interest, set that against what you'd clear after tax from an 'average wage' job - let's say £18-20K in this situation? How long 'off' from an average job would that give you to write, just to equal you up? Or would he really not like something like that pointed out to him?

Is there a touch of champagne tastes/beer wages going on with him? He sounds materialistic and acquisitive- is that how he got into debt? One thing he might have to learn to accept is that he's married you, built a family with you, and the desires don't go all one way. If you have different lifestyle goals, he's going to have to compromise as well as you. If you don't want or need the extra bit of cash x job is going to bring in, then that's also a solid argument. It would be different if you were happy to spend the family cash on getting your nails done every week. But if your argument is - we have enough as far as I can see it, and this is simply you wanting luxuries that I don't think are necessary or desirable - then he can't really argue that you should be the one to go and earn what you don't want so that he can spend it.

'He probably wouldn't split housework 50/50 if I went back to work'

Have you nailed that down yet? How about working part-time around his day and that way, he does childcare?

All sorts of options.

I've worked all manner of NMW jobs and it's been a life-experience.

Quite a leap to assume his debts are from fun. He may have had student loan debt.

I have to say, thinking over it, that what you've just said about his attitude to money and his, err 'aspirational' approach is the biggest red flag to the future success of your relationship. You've got fundamentally different approaches to life and how it should be lived, and that isn't good.

Ah fair point rainbow

Pinkfrocks I've noticed that you have tendency to say, 'How old are you...you sound quite young,'. I'm always tempted to point out that you have obviously been around for long enough to forget how ridiculous such condescension will seem to the person you're advising.

I think that clears a lot of speculation tbh.
Where you go from here I don't know, perhaps some kind of compromise.
If this is what will make you happy then you need to make him see this, I don't agree that you should work just for the sake of it, unless of course you need to.
If it were me I would keep talking, tell him you're not the type of person who can work ft do all the dc stuff, the house and everything, and that he will have to do half "You can't understand why he wouldn't want to"
You have stayed at home to allow him to work, follow his dream career to pay off HIS debt, now it's your turn.
Maybe he got in so much debt because he likes the luxuries.

OP as you are only 24 then I think you have a lot of living and learning to do.
It's not at all unreasonable that your DH wants to live a life where he does more than 'get by' - whether that amounts to 2 cars and 2 holidays is another matter but he's the one bringing home the bacon all the time.

I find it shocking now knowing how old you are and how you want to opt out of contributing to the family purse. I am late 50s and feeling very torn between trying for another publishing deal and working on my other job(s).And we don't need my income. I do it to help DH so he doesn't feel all the pressure is on him.

thicket speak for yourself, love!

What were you doing pre-children?

To be honest I think you are being rather self-indulgent and are probably over-stating how much he loves his career to justify continuing to rely on him as the major earner.

But that's probably not the key issue -your very different expectations about what is "enough" and how much effort should be put into working/earning to achieve that could prove to be a real issue in your relationship if you can't negotiate this openly and reach some agreement.

I think it's unlikely, and unfair, that this negotiation will lead to you continuing not to work. The best thing you can do, IMO, is work out what you would actually like to do and ask him to support you in achieving this, even if it means a period of retraining.

Of course, at some stage he's going to have to face up to an even distribution of household chores when you are working, and that'll be a whole new discussion...

Debts are part student loan, part maintaining a ridiculously expensive lifestyle. He's less inclined to splurge now, I think because he's grown out of the crazy nights out.