How do I tell him I don't want to go back to work?

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

DS starts school in two weeks. He's going straight into full-time, which frees up a large chunk of the day for me. Because of this, DH has started on about me going back to work. The thing is, I don't really want to.

We don't desperately need the money, things are tight but we manage. I never had anything resembling a career, and the only work I could realistically do is shop/cleaning work - I was more than happy to give that up, and I really don't want to go back to that, particularly if there's no financial gain (which there wouldn't be after childcare.) Besides that, I've been working on a novel for the last year and a bit, and the dream is to write full- time. The extra time I gain from DS being at school would be the perfect transition to that, but DH sees it as just a hobby. Which it is, I guess, but I'd love to make it my career, even if I don't make much money from it.

I just don't know how to talk to DH about all this, he's all but decided I'll be going back to full-time work outside the home, to the point where he's getting annoyed at the fact I'm not really looking. It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job.

Pink to Pink :)
Don't you think it's best for people to be able to support themselves and not rely on a DH/ DW to provide for them?

With 40% of marriages ending in divorce I'd rather my DCs could support themselves and not rely on a spouse to home and feed them.

A 30 minute slot is not a 'constant interruption' - it's a 30 minute slot.

I just can't see the point of you working at a low paid job which gives you no fulfilment.

Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I did it for shits and giggles.

Not sure what you are on about Arsenic. classism?

Having just enough now - because it's better than what your parents provided- is not exactly aspirational.

I'm wondering if you saw being married as ( dare I say it) an escape from a dead end job where you had no hope of progressing, and no qualifications. And if DH provided a home for you that you could never have achieved yourself.

I thought I heard undertones. I apologise if I was mistaken.

Pink to pink . Yes but I also think people should be given the chance to follow their dreams. The OP should negotiate with her DH 2 years to fulfil her ambitions. If it's not working then train for something for the future.

Many women do need to have their own identity (me included) but if the OP is prepared to find her identity in writing then her DH should understand this though. Crushing someone's dreams diminishes them as a person.

No undertones Arsenic was relating what the OP said in her original post- ie -she grew up with next to nothing, now has more, so she's happy..

Plenty of people combine paid employment with pursuing their dream for a while or even side-by-side, including many published, successful writers, some from necessity, some from wanting to maintain a certain lifestyle for their family, some because they want to, all sorts of reasons but it can be done.

OP I understand exactly how you feel. I'm quite lucky that hubby is quite old fashioned and would be very happy for me to not work outside the home. Sadly we can't afford it and I work two days a week. Which works well for us because I can still manage most of the home and kid stuff which means he doesn't have to do as much at home. I love him for the fact that he's generous enough to support me. I'd do the same for him if I had the higher paid job, so it's not about man v woman- it's about two people wanting to make each other happy. Your DH seems more interested in YOU helping HIS dreams come true than helping YOU achieve your dream.

All I can say is that as a published whatsit, along with others here, the 2 are not mutually exclusive: work and writing.

The author PD James, now 92, wrote all her first novels when bringing up 2 DDs single handed due to her DH being in psychiatric care, then she was widowed and all the time she worked full time.

Fail to see how he is 'crushing her dreams' by suggesting she take on some paid employment.

2 further years of no paid work + retraining to avoid those horrid NMW jobs that are such drudgery, others must do them. Sure, I'd go for that if I were this guy. NOT.

Plenty of people combine paid employment with pursuing their dream for a while or even side-by-side, including many published, successful writers, some from necessity, some from wanting to maintain a certain lifestyle for their family, some because they want to, all sorts of reasons but it can be done.

About four dozen of us have now been saying versions of this since the contractors were putting the finishing touches to stonehenge rainbow but the OP seems disinclined to comment. Maybe she just doesn't like the idea.

Possibly she feels it doesn't address her original question (although I think it does).

Frustrating not to get feedback on all those ideas. There have been some really good ones.

Must be writing another chapter...

Yes she might get hit a bus etc.
The point is, she should have her own money. How many times have we read on these boards about suddenly everything goes tits up. One of them has an affair, and that's it, the relationship is over. Or worse, domestic violence is involved.

You might think it's silly to look at the what ifs. But it is good to always have a contingency plan. This is why you have insurance, because of the what ifs. This is why people have a bit of money squirrelled away for if the cooker blows up, because of the what ifs. It's not about dominating life. It's about finding the balance so have a plan for the what ifs, whilst still enjoying life.

For the op to work she is making a financial contribution to the home.
She is taking away some of the stress and strain from her dh who is probably worrying about the bills and how they are going to be paid. Because of the extra income.
She is giving herself some extra money. Money that she can spend on whatever.
From working she will gain confidence and independence..Since when has it been wrong to have these?

The op says she doesn't want to work nights and weekends because of the little bit of family time they have. This suggests he works long hours. An extra income could reduce his hours, this they can spend more quality time as a family. Because his hours are reduced, he will be at home more, to do more with their child, which frees her up to write.

Pinklet to Pinklet

OP is at least showing the inclination to write by fitting in writing around small child childcare, so is dedicated in that respect.

I would spend that 30 minutes making coffee, booting up the pc, staring at the screen and scratching my head so clearly I couldn't write

I think she could negotiate a limited time to write (2years) and take it from there.

I've had a career and done menial jobs and the latter was mind numbingly boring and if she has the luxury of taking a couple of years out I would go for it.

2 further years of no paid work + retraining to avoid those horrid NMW jobs that are such drudgery, others must do them. Sure, I'd go for that if I were this guy. NOT.

If you're doing a purely economic analysis rainbow, an UG degree would be quite a good deal from his POV (student loan 'income' initially, increased income therafter).

But I can't stand the mystery of this thread any more tonight

The OP didn't sacrifice any career, it's quite clear that she doesn't want to work or see why she should purely because she picked a husband who earned enough.

He alone has paid off any debt that he incurred. It's not her wage that's paying it off because she doesn't have one.

Plenty of people work in low paid jobs for no fulfilment to put food on the table. What if he DH was a dreamer and believed working was beneath him or does he get no choice as he's male?

Whilst there may be enough money in the household for the basics, does it not bother you that your every need is catered for by another person? That's a lot of eggs in one basket. What if your DH falls ill or decides he's had enough of supporting you and leaves?

If this was your son and his wife point blanked refused to work as she saw it as beneath her, would you be happy? It's not a lesson I would want young women growing up believing.

If the DH is working ridiculous hours and stressing himself out over unpaid bills then any loving partner would go out to work to help support them as a couple, but the OP states he enjoys his job and is aspirational wrt things ...big house! cars, holidays etc.

Is that all there is to life? Can't we try to make ourselves happy and fulfilled in other ways? Wouldn't a DH be happier to know his DW is happy?

This couple really DO need to communicate better

I'm pursuing a business idea which I'm hoping will make me and my family well-off. My dc's are at school and my paid employment is only part time (about 2 days a week).

I absolutely take my hat off to all of you who can write novels, create amazing websites, run two businesses etc while working full time in a demanding job and caring for your children.

But I personally couldn't do it if I was working full time - I just couldn't. I just don't have the energy.

Some people have masses of energy and focus and some have less, just as some have higher IQ's and better sporting ability.

I think you have to work within the limits of what you personally feel able to do. Other massively more energetic people jack booting around on the thread insisting that the OP can do what they can do, because, err, they say so, well it's bollocks really. Everyone is different.

Here here Pinkrose.

This may sound mad but how about getting a job as a writer? I am a writer. There are jobs.

There's a saying isn't there- if you want something done, ask a busy person.

I truly believe that the more time we have, the less efficiently we use it. I know I do.

I still think the OP ought to get a 'proper' job.
I believe and suggest that the best and only time to think about giving up the day job to write full time is when there is an offer from a publisher on the table and they want a sequel. [NB OP- very few publishers want an author who produces just one novel.]

I have known some of my contacts give up work to write but they were much older- talking mid 40s- and had reached a certain level of success in their day jobs- lawyers, accountants, teachers, psychologists- and were able to sit back with money in the bank and devote their time to writing.

There are also very few successful novelists in their 20s- being realistic. Most writers have lived a bit before they are able to write well. You get the odd Oxbridge graduate penning a 1st novel at 21 but they are rare.

Yes, I wrote 30 books (not novels) as a sideline whilst working full time whilst having 5 children. It was just a matter of hard work. Most people aren't prepared to work as hard as I am so most people have a lot less money and fewer children... you get what you put into life and plenty are happy doing very little and staring into space (nothing wrong with that either as long as your partner is happy to support you in that).

Urgh. I've stayed off this thread for 446 posts, not least because better writers than me are contributing. As another author - with a fair amount of paid, published work and even a whole book - I'm sorry to say I'm supporting their take on your dream, Homeworld. You've had enough time to write your novel: 11 years if you feel you've been working on it since the age of 13! Yet you've made little headway; you haven't even got as far as sending your synopsis & first chapters away to agencies.

I get this, sincerely. I've come to accept that my Great Work - an autobiographical novel - is, in fact, an internal process for my own benefit. It never was going to be written for another reader. I proved this to myself two weeks ago, when I broke my computer and realised I hadn't backed up my writing for ten months. I'm gutted that it's all gone but, at the same time, I can't have cared so massively about other people being able to read it or I'd have made sure there was at least one other copy for reference.

There's nothing wrong with composing a Great Work for one's own private purpose. But it is slightly wrong-headed to assume this work will be the making of one's fortune if one hasn't already found a publisher. Advances come from publishers, not husbands or dream fairies. I strongly suggest you follow the sterling professional advice given at the start of your thread, and find out whether you're a paid novelist yet. There was also brilliant advice on how to be a paid author anyway, while honing your skills for future Great Works.

I don't like your husband's attitude but I think the best way to overcome that is by appraising your earning potential as a writer and presenting him with a financial projection.

Good luck :)

Lovely post, garlhcsugustus.