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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I tell him I don't want to go back to work?

518 replies

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 28/08/2014 16:30

DS starts school in two weeks. He's going straight into full-time, which frees up a large chunk of the day for me. Because of this, DH has started on about me going back to work. The thing is, I don't really want to.

We don't desperately need the money, things are tight but we manage. I never had anything resembling a career, and the only work I could realistically do is shop/cleaning work - I was more than happy to give that up, and I really don't want to go back to that, particularly if there's no financial gain (which there wouldn't be after childcare.) Besides that, I've been working on a novel for the last year and a bit, and the dream is to write full- time. The extra time I gain from DS being at school would be the perfect transition to that, but DH sees it as just a hobby. Which it is, I guess, but I'd love to make it my career, even if I don't make much money from it.

I just don't know how to talk to DH about all this, he's all but decided I'll be going back to full-time work outside the home, to the point where he's getting annoyed at the fact I'm not really looking. It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job.

OP posts:
GarlicAugustus · 30/08/2014 22:08

Cheers, Brave! Flowers

Pinkfrocks · 30/08/2014 22:25

Good post Garlic

But have I missed something?
OP you say you have had work published- or at least done paid writing.
It would help hugely here if you could say what that was...
Not trying to catch you out but be good to know what level you are at now.

HopefulHamster · 30/08/2014 22:32

Pinkfrocks no need to full on disagree with me, I was essentially saying you need to show your work to people too, I just don't believe you have to pay for it. It's an option certainly, but not a requirement. I know bazillions (slight exaggeration) of published writers who got there through working with the wider writing community, not by paying for crits. I've made the call to some of them to accept their work!

Of course if the OP wants to go 'fulltime' then paid feedback may be more beneficial than the free stuff, if only because it is more likely to be qualified - a working editor should give you better advice than a kid from the US who can't spell. However I've also seen crits from proper editors that are so nicely worded (presumably to get repeat customers), that although the honesty is in there, a too-hopeful writer would find it all too easy to ignore the criticism for the good bits.

I don't know, I just think you need to get feedback from a number of sources, but hard work and honing your craft is essential too. But you can do this in evenings, it doesn't require all day every day.

I agree with everyone who's said the OP has already had significant portions of time to write. Hell I've written 90k over the last nine months while working four days, doing sole childcare one day, and suffering severe tiredness from pregnancy - not boasting, because I seriously wish I'd written a lot more (and I should've done), but to show you can make the time if you want to.

Random point: I think most would-be authors would benefit from not getting too attached to any single novel they write. Sometimes spending too long on one book is a bad idea - there might be a flaw in it you can't see that will prevent it ever succeeding. Write, revise, get feedback, revise again, polish, send out, move on to the next one. Don't assume this book is 'the' book. Get excited about new ideas. I worked with one romance author who wrote loads of competent but slightly boring contemporary romances. They always got rejections. They changed to historical fiction, found their voice and bang, got published! If they'd honed the first romance forever, they never would've made it.

Anyway this is all a bit of a tangent from the original post. And I could've spent this time writing :)

Pinkfrocks · 30/08/2014 22:40

Only 'full on disagreeing' with you because that's how you started your reply to my post.

I didn't say one had to pay for it- but I've had some paid for support and it helped focus my thinking, as well as enabling me to meet other writers through the group both in person and online.

If you are an editor, which you imply, then maybe you can offer some kind of service to the OP and give her some feedback?

HopefulHamster · 30/08/2014 22:56

Argh, but then I said 'BUT I agree that blah blah blah'! I am just against writers paying out money unnecessarily as maybe you can tell :). I am being more lighthearted in my typing than obviously it's coming across. Are you missing all the bits where I agree with you?

I'm not an editor any more. Have been. Then had to change career and am probably totally out of date with what's going on in various bits of the market. Now just a would-be writer not so different from the OP (only er, ten years older with a few more trunk novels under my belt, and still work!).

I wouldn't personally do free feedback for anyone any more unless it was in return for similar - I have done so in the past and it's worked out terribly. And right now I am too busy completing a first draft myself to offer up time! Maybe once I'm in the revision stage it'll be different :).

You seem to be very knowledgeable Pink, why don't you offer some kind of service to the OP and give her some feedback? Or did I misread the slightly passive-aggressiveness there? People have given so much of their time to the OP here already that I don't think anyone here needs to offer anything further unless they want to.

thicketofstars · 30/08/2014 22:58

OP, have you considered joining a community writing class? It would probably be in the evening so DP could do childcare and probably pretty cheap. It's always a bit hit and miss with these things but it might give you the encouragement you need to push this project forward, not to mention a good opportunity to have this part of your identity affirmed. Also google writers in residence who may be working in your area. If you turn up looking adorable and 24 you could end up with some valuable feedback. You do need to start producing more words now, somehow. Don't worry too much about the quality - pretend you are helping a child gain confidence and keep encouraging yourself. You're at a sweet spot right now - an adult with considerable experience of life, yet lots of room to grow. Most 24 year old women who write are not going to have personal experience of childbearing for another ten years, so we don't hear that story as much. You could change that.

Have you read an essay by Virginia Woolf called 'A room of one's own?'. You really need to read it right now - she knew exactly what you're talking about. Google it.

I have no idea how posters are managing to do all this writing with children. Except...well, there's writing and there's writing, as I discover afresh each time I walk into the library.

MerlinsUnderpants · 30/08/2014 23:05

Ah, take at look at the OPs previous posts. They seem to have had a fair few arguments over money and her DS is her DH's stepson.

Do you get maintenance for your son OP or has your DH picked up all the slack in paying the bills? Did you finish your Uni work, do you'd have a degree? Based on what you have posted so far if I was your DH I would be feeling seriously used by you.

Like I said before if you are that creative then use that creativity to make real income streams alongside your writing. You're not a special snowflake who deserves more from the world, if you want go out and earn it.

HopefulHamster · 30/08/2014 23:20

Ooooh OP, have you ever done NaNoWriMo before - I just thought, November isn't that far away.

The basic premise is that you try and write a novel in 50k in 30 days (of November). It's supposed to be a new book (so you're not overly attached) and comes with fab online community and there are normally real-life regional groups nearby too.

Now obviously most books are over 50k, so you can either decide to write the first 50k, or write 50k but accept you will have to add a lot more wordage in revision.

I've done it a few times and it's fun - however it's also bloody hard work and tbh I don't plan to do it again any time soon as I tend to get burnt out. But I still recommend it to people as it really is exciting and motivating. You have to write approx 1667 words a day and it gets you disciplined. I've managed it (barely) while working, so anyone who isn't should definitely be able to complete in time.

Look it up - may be worth a go!

Local groups are a good idea too, whether actual classes or just a group that meets up.

Or if you do start work, you might meet a kindred spirit there. At one place I've worked there was a writing group that met one lunch time every fortnight. At my current place there are a couple of colleagues that share the same interest and we love to gossip about where we're up to. Support makes a difference, especially if your partner isn't that bothered.

HopefulHamster · 30/08/2014 23:29

(I know you're already writing something, but sometimes it's fun/inspirational to try something else for while, and Nano can deliver great wordcount quickly)

MerlinsUnderpants · 30/08/2014 23:55

OP based on what you have written on this thread I would give up on the idea of being a full time writer. The only people that get away with writing self indulgent bullshit for a living are those rare few with tremendously good connections.

You write as if your DH was wholly irresponsible in running up debts, I doubt when he was running them up he expected to have a ready made family and the responsibility that entails. He probably thought he would have a few years of equal earnings first. He clearly didn't shirk that as he is married to you. You've been a SAHM whilst he was working so he had been the sole person to pay off his irresponsible debts, he could have paid them off a fuck load faster if he wasn't supporting you and your son. It has not been a joint approach, he has helped you and it is still not good enough for you as you think you deserve more than that. I really feel for the guy, I doubt anything he does will ever be good enough for you.

Get over yourself and fast.

ArsenicyOldFace · 31/08/2014 00:05

Ah, take at look at the OPs previous posts. They seem to have had a fair few arguments over money and her DS is her DH's stepson.

Well at least she's not dripfeeding Hmm

She's just not feeding.

MerlinsUnderpants · 31/08/2014 00:09

Arsenicy. I think us mere proles couldn't understand the torture she has been going through, how did we not realise how speshul the OP is? We should clearly be ashamed and get back to the drudgery we so love.

GarlicAugustus · 31/08/2014 00:11
ArsenicyOldFace · 31/08/2014 00:23

They've only been married since November! And in April she had a job!!

I hate being wrong Grin I hate it even more when nearly everyone else is right Grin Grin

ArsenicyOldFace · 31/08/2014 00:25

Merlins Wink

MerlinsUnderpants · 31/08/2014 00:34

I fink you're speshul Arsenicy, very speshul. Grin

MerlinsUnderpants · 31/08/2014 00:35

Let's get together for drudgery, tea and cakes Smile.

ArsenicyOldFace · 31/08/2014 00:39

I don't think drudges are allowed cake Mer just gruel.

SolidGoldBrass · 31/08/2014 00:44

OP is 24 and her DS is 5. Therefore she has been a full-time mum since she was 19. This means that at present she has no skills or qualifications and minimal work experience, so the only start-earning-straight-away jobs available to her are minimum wage drudgy ones.

ArsenicyOldFace · 31/08/2014 00:49

She was posting in April about a job she had then. And a Uni course she was on.

She's wasting our time SGB

treadheavily · 31/08/2014 00:58

I'm a little on the fence with this one. I come from a family of artists and we grew up encouraged to follow our passions. Some of my siblings have carved a career in their art, others have followed a profession or trade and kept the art to a hobby. I have sort of combined mine in that my passion is to write and I have always worked as a writer, though not neccessarily on the subjects I am most passionate about.

However, the crux of the matter is that the OP's partner does not subscribe to the school of follow your passion whatever the cost. He wants her to work and bring in money. And he has a right to have his view heard.

It seems to me a little late in the day for the couple to discover they have such different ideas on their approach but hey ho. Now it's time to thrash it out.

It is crucial that you talk this through OP. Tell him how much it means to you. Acknowledge his take on working/spending, too.

If he feels heard, you may reach a compromise quite easily ie you get work say 3 days a week and spend the other two on your writing.

One thing I have noticed about your posts is that you have a tendancy to shoot down suggestions. You need to adopt a more problem-solving approach whether it is getting up early/staying up late or using childcare etc. At some point you have to put in the hard yards. Look at any successful artist and the one thing they have in common is an all consuming passion for their craft, it is never the product of a tidy little routine.

minifingers · 31/08/2014 09:07

"Yes, I wrote 30 books (not novels) as a sideline whilst working full time whilst having 5 children. It was just a matter of hard work. Most people aren't prepared to work as hard as I am so most people have a lot less money and fewer children... you get what you put into life and plenty are happy doing very little and staring into space (nothing wrong with that either as long as your partner is happy to support you in that)."

Fuck knows how Jane Austen only managed to write six novels in her whole life, despite never 'working', not having children and living in a home serviced by domestic staff.

Clearly a lazy old boot, ill-prepared to put in a decent amount of effort, and more enamoured of spending her time staring into space..

Grin
DaisyFlowerChain · 31/08/2014 09:36

Hahaha not so much a drip feed but a river. OP failed to mention they are TTC and I love this little gem "I occasionally fib about buying things, working them slowly into rotation so DP doesn't realise. But then we have different priorities. He's all intent on saving as much as we physically can, I'd rather save a bit less and have a few treats" So whilst told she doesn't wants luxuries and he's working to pay off debt it's quite the opposite. Savings appear to be for a house deposit.

Poor bloke, no wonder he's putting his foot down. I hope he puts it down quickly before the house or baby comes along and he realises he could lose a lot financially to somebody who has never share the costs.

UptheChimney · 31/08/2014 09:40

Oh, are there other thread? I was only going by what the OP posted on this thread.

I've been trying to work out why this thread both intrigues & irritates me intensely (in between meeting /missing a couple of deadlines damn you, MN so here are some [disjointed] points:

It's the unrealistic notion of "being a writer" and the OP is untested untried. She says she's had some work published & paid for. Why not more?

She's been given a huge amount of really excellent advice, but no, la la la la (we need a "fingers in the ears" smiley)

It's the dismissal of "drudgery" jobs which many people have to do just to survive. Those jobs are essential to our society and should be regarded with dignity.

But I think it's more than that: paid work is a way to self-worth. And I'm only too aware as a woman that we all come from a history of being excluded from paid work, and formal education which lead to (well/better)paid work.

A life is a long thing, and child-rearing takes only a small part of it (speaking in time, rather than emotional resources).

The OP is not thinking about that future and getting some training. It looks from what she's said in this thread she has only GCSEs, and a DH who wants the comfortable lifestyle in which he was raised.

(And as a side question, what is wrong with that?)

Why doesn't she do a degree -- maybe a history degree, which would give her a far broader view of the world, research skills for her writing, exposure to all sorts of different types of writing, and writing for different purposes (why do most people who say "I want to be a writer" always want to be novelists? It pays far less than other sorts of writing). Or a Social Work degree: her experience of early teen motherhood taking over her life etc etc that she hints at on this thread would be of use, and the job would give her such an insight into all sorts of ways of life and thinking.

But more than anything else, I'm probably a generation older than most of you here (my son is grown to around the OP's age when she had her DS, I could be a grandmother if he were at all precocious!) And I was raised in an extended family where all the women were SAHMs - for several generations in fact. And I saw the talented energetic women who are my mother, aunts, grandmothers, all stymied by lack of formal education, and the assumption -- by themselves & everyone around them, that raising children was enough It's a huge job, but I don't think it's enough for a whole lifetime. It's never been enough for most men, why should it be enough for most omen?

I've seen several of my aunts have MH issues, my grandmother also -- nd I think that their issues were at base, that their lives, as determined by the "old" model of gender roles, was just not enough. But that was, apparent their failing, not that of the limitations of gender roles.

And if we go back into the 1800s: when women were incarcerated in mental institutions for wanting to be educated, wanting to work and develop careers & influence just like men.

What really worries me about this next generation (early 20s young people) is that many of the women are falling into this old old trap. They don't know about the awfulness that Betty Fridan wrote about: the "feminine mystique" and so on.

That is not to say that SAHmming while DCs are very young is not a productive thing, but that it may not be enough for the next 50 years.

Pinkrose1 · 31/08/2014 09:48

Pleeeaaase can we have a fingers in the ears, lalalalala smiley MNHQ?

So many posts would warrant it on Talk Grin

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