How do I tell him I don't want to go back to work?

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

DS starts school in two weeks. He's going straight into full-time, which frees up a large chunk of the day for me. Because of this, DH has started on about me going back to work. The thing is, I don't really want to.

We don't desperately need the money, things are tight but we manage. I never had anything resembling a career, and the only work I could realistically do is shop/cleaning work - I was more than happy to give that up, and I really don't want to go back to that, particularly if there's no financial gain (which there wouldn't be after childcare.) Besides that, I've been working on a novel for the last year and a bit, and the dream is to write full- time. The extra time I gain from DS being at school would be the perfect transition to that, but DH sees it as just a hobby. Which it is, I guess, but I'd love to make it my career, even if I don't make much money from it.

I just don't know how to talk to DH about all this, he's all but decided I'll be going back to full-time work outside the home, to the point where he's getting annoyed at the fact I'm not really looking. It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job.

OP I am I the same situation to you. The difference being my DH is happy for me to pursue my dream career. Your DH had his chance to build it up and get qualified.

We too live far tighter the than we should to pay off my DH debts pre marriage. It's disheartening when you have to sacrifice due to their past mistakes / bad choices. I don't think you should have to give up this dream. A time limit sounds a sensible comprimise, given that your already published. Perhaps research for other freelance stuff at the dame time.may be the way to get him to agree.

I showed DH this thread and he was dismayed at your DH's response. He should let you talk it through and come up with something together. I can totally understand your need to fulfil this area of your life and how not doing so will make you unhappy.

I hope it works out in the right way for you. You have every right to be with someone who lets you spread your wings and develop especially as you make sacrifices for his life choices. He should want to help you where ever possible.

On a purely practical note, if you have 4 yr old ( or 5 yr old) then they must be in bed by 7-ish especially if they are at school soon.
That leaves you with a good 3 hours to write, plus time at weekends.
Why can't you use some of that time and still get a job?

OP, thanks for coming back to the thread.

Writing aside, I think the main thing you really need to be focusing upon is basic qualifications, otherwise you will always be trapped in minumum wage jobs. Regardless of the path your writing takes, it is undeniably good to have the option of pursuing more-fulfilling and better paid career paths. Why not do an AS Level or an Access course this year? Courses will still be signing people up this week.

Also, have you considered getting some careers guidance?

Do you have any opinion on the ideas suggested on thread OP? (before they all get suugested yet again )

She made sacrifices for his debt? How exactly. She has been SAHP for 5 years. It's not like he said, 'That's it, you get to work FT and child goes to nursery/childminder to pay for my frivolity.'

SAHPing can be the cheaper option rainbow

rainbow

She has sacrificed earning her own wage and forging her career, she has supported her dh by providing free childcare that would have cost them one of the wages anyway.
She and her dc have gone without luxuries in order for his debt to be paid off, it's a good job she isn't materialistic and enjoys luxuries.

He..wants all the nice things he had growing up - big house, two cars, foreign holidays twice a year.he can't understand why I don't want these things - to him they're normal. I grew up with less than we have now, I worked part-time around school from when I turned 16 because we needed the money, then went full-time after my gcses. So we have very different views on what is "enough."

You have been together for more than 5 years and have a child.

What the hell have you two been talking about for all these years?

Neither of you is right or wrong to want different things. I am just a bit surprised that you have got to this point without working out where you are aiming as a couple.

Just adding to that PP- OP what you want now at 24 may well change in 5, 10, 15 or 30 years. Having just enough now - because it's better than what your parents provided- is not exactly aspirational. or even realistic.

I'm wondering if you saw being married as ( dare I say it) an escape from a dead end job where you had no hope of progressing, and no qualifications. And if DH provided a home for you that you could never have achieved yourself.

But how would you manage if you had another child? Would you still expect your DH to earn more? Or what if you split up- how would you support yourself and your child(ren)?

You need to think and plan long term.

And if DH provided a home for you that you could never have achieved yourself.

Could never have achieved herself? She's barely got going yet. How can you know what her capabilities are?

I have read everything, and I am still with your dh.
You say you have wanted to write since you was 13.. that's 11 years and in that time you haven't completed the first draft. If you really wanted to do it, you would have found ways. Morning naps. Afternoon naps. Writing whilst in the park. Writing while at play groups. You have had 5 years of being a sahp, and sorry, but that doesn't take up every moment of your day with one child. You could have, if you really wanted to, found the time to write, redraft and submit to publishers.

The pay is abysmal. A lots of authors are either working themselves or are being fully funded by their family. They are balancing, work, children and relationships to ensure that they are writing and not taking 11 years to write a book.

I for one think you (everyone!) should never put yourself in a position of being completely dependent on someone else for the necessities of life (food, roof over your head, etc). So for that reason alone I would say you need to work.

Also, if you are just getting by now - wages do not tend to increase at the same rate as the cost of living so in a year or so you may find that your DH's wage is not enough any more, even just for the basics. What will you do then?

It is a much much better idea to get yourself some kind of qualification so that you can get a non-minimum wage job and help support yourself and your child. Many many people on this thread have pointed out that it is possible to write around the tasks of daily living.

It's OK to say that money doesn't matter to you. IME money doesn't really matter until you don't have enough of it.

I don't think it fair to say the OP would never have progressed in a career or been able to provide for herself as a reason for getting married.
She is 24 and has lots of time to progress in any field she chooses.
As for her changing her mind, she could well do, but why should this be seen as a negative situation.
Her writing may lead to better things in years to come, it may make her more money because she changes direction.
I do admit also to being surprised that you both seem to know so little about each others aspirations, is it something neither of you thought important? Not a criticism we too have drifted in some things where I find other couples have discussed it to death.

Could never have achieved herself? She's barely got going yet. How can you know what her capabilities are?

Surely it's obvious this meant by now- not in 30 years' time.

I just can't see the point of you working at a low paid job which gives you no fulfilment. Life doesn't begin and end with being a career woman. If you want to write and at least give it a go you should have the right to try for your dream.

It needs a full on conversation with your DH where you point out the costs of childcare and the minimal return for your working with your wage being swallowed up in childcare. Difficulties with covering childhood illnesses...would he take time off? Would he contribute to 50/50 housework and cooking? That's the reality for him. Your wage wouldn't give him the material things he wants, just a lot of negatives for him and stress for you.

Perhaps when the debt is cleared he will have more of the things he wants? I would suggest offering to take over everything so that he can just concentrate on his job.

If you manage the household budgeting, cooking and cleaning and become a 50s housewife you will be able to do the writing you want because, frankly, cleaning is so bloody easy any organised person could do everything in 2 hours a day giving you plenty of time for writing. If you show him how much more advantageous it is to him to have a SAHM, you are likely to get what you want too!

Probably won't go down well with the feminists but not everyone wants a career outside the home and writing is very difficult to fit in with jobs and childcare. If after a couple of years you find that you are not going to make a success as a writer at least you will know you've tried. The fact that you manage to write at the times you do is a good indicator that the dedication to write is there. Can't comment on the talent though, only time will tell but look how J K R started

Surely it's obvious this meant by now- not in 30 years' time.

She'd be further along now if she hadn't been nurturing his child.

I thought I heard a touch of classism in your 20:23 post Pinkfrocks.

What happens if in a year or so, you split with your husband? How would that work when you are financially dependent on him now? You would have to go out and get a job, any job, to cover expenses.
Or what would happen if he became ill and was no longer able to work? Again you would have to suck it up and work.

Fwiw I am a bit amazed people think you can fit writing into a 30 minute gap in a busy day! To write you need to phase yourself into the imaginary world you are creating, it's not something that can be picked up and put down like knitting!

nurturing their child, ArsenicyOldFace

I agree with bloodyteenagers

You have been a SAHM for 5 years. It sounds more an issue of time management and motivation if you haven't completed the first draft yet.

Do you feel like saying how much you write each day? How many words have you written so far?
Do you set yourself a target? Most people who write have to give themselves a target- such as 500 words a day at least, every day. If you are aiming for 80K words- well, that's 22 weeks. 6 months, outside.

It is TOTALLY possible to do this and work.

Stop setting your sights so low that you think that MW work is all you can do and stop expecting a man to keep you.

Indeed Gnome

Not sure what you are on about Arsenic. classism? The OP said her DH provided more than she'd had as a child.

pinkrose- that's not true actually.
One of the biggest learning curves for me with my books was to learn to make use of 30 mins slots and not wait for the luxury of half a day.

Bloody. And she might get hit by a bus. The house hit by a downed airliner. DH may find an OW. He might get abducted by aliens!

How silly to look at the what ifs? in life and to allow them dominate the here and now!

'Now' she wants to try for her dream. If she can make it advantageous for her DH too both are winners.

I do agree they need to communicate better and her DH needs to understand her dreams. Forcing her to leave these behind for very little financial gain will create a lot of resentment. That will more likely to lead to these negative scenarios.....not the abduction by aliens though!

Pinkfrock. Not everyone is the same. I could write but not with constant interruptions.