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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating Thread 80

999 replies

UrsulaBuffay · 23/08/2014 15:38

As we were saying...

OP posts:
IMNOTYOURBABES · 24/08/2014 11:40

I'm really bad at replying to texts.

It's not a reflection on how I feel about the other person, it's just what I'm like. I hadn't considered that not answering within another person's expected time frame could be construed as game playing. But then again, I'm a bit scatty.

AndCatMakesThree · 24/08/2014 11:47

That's just it, Imnot. Each person's expected time frame for a reply to a text is different. And there are so many different reasons for not replying. It might be that the person's out, or busy, or even that the text wasn't delivered. Or it could be that the person isn't bothered enough about you to reply to your text, or that they're game-playing. It's just a minefield!

Before, I agree with what you say about not wanting to change a 50ish year old man. I had this situation with my ex, Mr C, and I felt that his way of behaving was so ingrained (which he admitted) that I'd have little or no hope of changing it.

Folk, are you ok? I think you said that you might be seeing your man this weekend but you weren't sure (or it could be that I've got muddled up, in which case apologies).

Handywoman · 24/08/2014 11:53

Spoke to MrSwoon this morning, feeling a bit less panicked about it all, my only slight concern is that I really did not want to snog him yesterday, in part but bot entirely because it was a slightly awkward moment when he specifically asked for a kiss. And that it was through a car window in the middle if his street! He really makes me laugh though and it's exciting. I think I need to know why he broke up with his ex.... does that make sense? So I am seeing him tomorrow afternoon, if I don't want to snog him tomorrow then I think it means I just don't find him snoggable, even though I also really rather attracted to him sexually. Weird. Someone explain this/psychoanalyse this for me PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! All theories gratefully received.....

Original poster
UrsulaBuffay · 24/08/2014 11:54

If I choose to stop ongoing messaging with someone and continue with someone else it isn't because they've done anything wrong usually it's just that I don't think we are compatible and it wouldn't go anywhere in the long run. That's hard to accept from the other side because obviously if I like someone I don't want them to not be that into me. But it happens and I guess not everyone can be compatible with each other. Finding mutual attraction and connection is really hard.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 24/08/2014 11:54

But what I'm saying is that when people treat you in a way that is not respectful or disappear, as in the case of poor Dontcallme, that's a reflection of them. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect at least.

jesy · 24/08/2014 11:54

Still nothing , I keep trying to tell myself he busy,x

I feel such an idiot , yesterday we were great ,glad I got u lot and water proof mascara

lottieandmia · 24/08/2014 11:57

Folk - why would you think that some people are more worthy of being treated well then you? Hmm

I have noticed actually that of all the people I know,the ones who are happy and have successful relationships seem to be the ones who have a very secure sense of self.

I think that I'm a nice and kind person. I'm also nice looking but that doesn't stop some men treating me as though I'm some kind of toy with no feelings. But I do not think this is my fault.

Original poster
UrsulaBuffay · 24/08/2014 11:59

Bloody hell handy woman how often are you seeing this guy? when I read about people having three or four meetings in a week when they first meet it seems so fast!

OP posts:
AndCatMakesThree · 24/08/2014 12:08

Handywoman, I wouldn't want my first kiss with someone to be through a car window. It sounds very awkward! But having said that, if I didn't want to kiss them by date 3, I'd think that perhaps the attraction just wasn't there.

I think the first kiss is very important. A great first kiss can make me instantly like the man a lot more.

As for why you're not sure you want to snog him, but you're sexually attracted to him ... I think I'll have to pass on that one. No idea, sorry!

jesy, it seems like you have lots of good times with Mr IT, but it all makes you very unhappy sometimes as well.

FolkGirl · 24/08/2014 12:10

andcat I am. Sitting outside his house in the car now . Well, not right outside. That would look a bit odd. But just down the road. Trying to pluck up the confidence to knock on the door qhen all I want to do is turn around and drive home :-(

Here goes...

Original poster
UrsulaBuffay · 24/08/2014 12:11

Jesy how long do you ever go without any contact from Mr IT? It seems like it's daily to me and for a FWB situation I think that's unusual. It's easy to rely on someone else to make us happy, I always feel on edge when I know my happiness for the day depends on whether I receive a message from a man or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
UrsulaBuffay · 24/08/2014 12:11

Thinking of you Folk

OP posts:
jesy · 24/08/2014 12:35

He texted me a rather cheeky message but I'm leaving it a while wen I think straight I k ow he busy ,seen his web site updated this am
Plus while I was out I had a message off manageable saw him at out local pool .

I guess as I have nowt to do I forget the world keeps going x

Handywoman · 24/08/2014 12:38

Mmm I wonder if I find his manner/voice/personality/confidence/interest extremely attractive (like if he worked in my office I would have a huge huge crush on him) but physically something is missing? I think k date 3 tomorrow will be a decider...

Original poster
UrsulaBuffay · 24/08/2014 12:51

Gosh Jesy. I hope you don't mind me saying but if you've looked at his website and someone is texting they've seen him... That's not very casual is it, I just worry about you you do seem vulnerable.

OP posts:
dontcallmehon22 · 24/08/2014 12:52

I don't think that people are more worthwhile than others. As long as you're a decent, moral person, I mean. I think we can accept poor behaviour from others sometimes, because of low self esteem perhaps.

Hope you're ok, jesy try to distract yourself today. Remember that one man's actions doesn't define you.

Out with blondegeeky tomorrow - it's going to be an all dayer.

AndCatMakesThree · 24/08/2014 13:01

Hope it goes well, Folk (though probably too late as I doubt you're still in the car now).

Jesy, this sounds such a cliche, but do you have female friends to do stuff with to take your mind off getting texts from Mr IT?

Meanwhile, I have a dilemma. As expected, Walt texted me, and his text included explaining why he didn't text last night (almost as if he knew I'd been worried about it). I'm now getting really worried that he could be reading this thread. (Some of you might remember that he mentioned mumsnet on one of our dates).

So what do I do? I get a lot of support from this thread, especially as I don't have any RL friends who are doing OD, and I really don't want to leave the thread just because I'm paranoid that Walt could be reading it. But at the same time, the thought that he could be reading it is just awful. But I can't ask him, as that will just draw his attention to it. Aaaaagh, not sure what to do!

jesy · 24/08/2014 13:06

Sorry don't think post was clear,
It's a professional web site not a dating site that he runs and I checked it as I helped him to design some thing on it recently.
The text was from a mate of mine to me saying she'd seen him in town ,pool today saying I was a lucky girl lol

Not got much planned today , not much money but treated myself to wine n posh crisps.

jesy · 24/08/2014 13:15

And cat

Nope no female mates I have text mates
Some one who I was close to recently had a baby texted her saying can't wait to meet her and the reply I don't think it's a good idea I'd rather not go into why but we fell out but I thought we'd made up
I'll be fine I'm USed to being alone

Aliensloveunderpants00 · 24/08/2014 13:20

I think we can accept poor behaviour from others sometimes, because of low self esteem perhaps.

Very interested in don't statement. ... I've been on a couple of dates with this guy. He's pretty insecure, plenty of comments about how he thinks I'm out of his league and wondering how on Earth I can find him attractive. ...First week comms were great but he's been leaving a while day in between responses. ..I'm wondering now whether the two might be related? We dtd on the second date and he's been asking for reassurance since then that I enjoyed myself (which I did; I do like him quite a bit)

Aliensloveunderpants00 · 24/08/2014 13:22

*a whole day

Jarlin · 24/08/2014 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
UrsulaBuffay · 24/08/2014 14:50

Why is it a dealbreaker Jarlin? I understand you've done your parenting but I'd be upset if someone dismissed me out of hand because of something I can't control. He might be Mr Wonderful! But yeah don't lead him on if he would think you'd changed your mind by contacting him again.

OP posts:
Jarlin · 24/08/2014 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeforeAndAfter · 24/08/2014 15:43

Jarlin I had the same issue with the Scot. My DSDs are all grown up now and I love travelling. Our plans were to travel but his youngest is at school and is young enough to still need Dad around. I thought our extreme compatibility would make it a non-issue but we have completely different parenting styles around stuff that really matters to me and as other issues became apparent so the child one got bigger and bigger.

Last weekend my elder DSD came to stay and we had such a nice weekend and her sister joined us too for Saturday - they're lovely young women now and I loved their childhood (for the most part...) but I just couldn't do it again. 15 or 16 is as young as I'd go now - when they're more independent.