Dating Thread 80

[UrsulaBuffay]

As we were saying...

[dippinmytoe]

I totally get what you say jarlin , my dc are young , but if they were older I wouldn't want to meet someone with young children. I'm wary of guys with no kids , as they just don't get how things crop up with kids etc & that you can not be free at the drop of a hat. I'm glad you are sounding positive too!!
I'm meeting up with a guy for date 2 next week , both been on hols so couldn't meet. I'm also chatting to one or two others just incase ...

[BeforeAndAfter]

Jarlin the kids could be a non-issue if you don't think you want to live with someone as some men don't have the kids mid-week and only every other weekend but maybe he's a 50/50 parent which makes it harder.

If you do think you want to live with someone in the future then it's probably best to just not go there at all. I can only speak for how I'd behave but if I liked him and fancied him I'd probably not focus on the real task in hand of finding the one to join me on the porch in our rocking chairs in our dotage. I'd be flirting outrageously, shagging him occasionally and then wind up all confused and probably find myself back to square one getting over a sad breakup.

I do find that the second family/late family phenomenon means that a fair few men in their 50s have quite young children now.

[Justatoe]

Had great second date last night, thought wow. ..but then text this pm saying doesn't think height issue will work (I am inch taller) . Bit deflated but need to move on from wondering if that was real reason & get back out there.

[BeforeAndAfter]

Justatoe that's an odd one. Sorry to be nosey but how tall are you? If he's not tall I'd have thought he'd be used to it.

[BeforeAndAfter]

Jarlin that's really a sad story about your friend - especially for the child.

The only reason I didn't have kids is because of the DSDs and we were a happy unit and I thought it was a forever unit. Now I don't get a family Xmas - it's either their Mum or their Dad that gets that. I miss that bit because I love Xmas. We do it a week or so before now but it's not the same! I really thought about IVF recently but I know it's a selfish whim and I wouldn't lumber a new born with a 50 year old Mum and all the old age duties that go with that. Hence my man needs to have a family that he's in contact with; I feel like a cuckoo sometimes but it's all I can do now.

The clingy needy one had children but never saw them regularly. One was about 12 and I didn't like that he rarely saw them while trying to glue himself to me. I think men need to see their children regularly, put them first and have a good, but not close, relationship with the ex.

[BeforeAndAfter]

jarlin I'm being brutally honest here but you need to be hard-nosed about FWB for it to work and for you not to get hurt.

A couple of frank questions for you:

1. could you enjoy a night of passion, a snuggly cuddly morning, kiss him goodbye and then jump on POF?
   
2. after kissing him goodbye could you cope with him being on POF and dating?
   
3. when he tells you he's met someone and wants to give it a go with her and she's not you, could you cope with that?
   
   If you say Yes to any of those questions then I've misread you completely! If you say Yes to only one of those questions then I don't think FWB is for you.
   
   I've experienced all three of those scenarios and was just fine because I can be really hard nosed and I have coping mechanisms for FWB. I couldn't cope with one of them happening to me now - I'm in a different place psychologically and emotionally.
   
   Even if you don't respond honestly on here you must be brutally honest with yourself otherwise there's a whole world of hurt to walk into with eyes wide open.

[Justatoe]

Before I am 5'9", he is 5'8".
I figure it may be the real reason, it may not.

[BeforeAndAfter]

I think a lot of women go into FWB thinking the man will sneakily fall in love and they will live happily ever after while trying to be brave about it. Of course some people experience that just like some people meet the perfect mate on their first OD date. I think a lot of men go into FWB thinking they're having their cake and eating it because the rules are clear and agreed.

The reality is that emotions creep in and if you're not careful you perceive yourself as being in a relationship when you're not and behave accordingly in terms of confining yourself to quarters and deleting your POF profile. The trouble is you're not in a relationship, you can't text him when you need some comfort because he'll reply thinking you're up for a shag as you only sext in the lead up to meeting for... sex which might include dining out beforehand but might not but you 'take yourself off the market' because you're a nice, loyal, faithful person...

[BeforeAndAfter]

justatoe I don't think it's the real reason either. I'm 5ft 5 1/2 and I'd be taller than him in my heels so he must be used to it. What a shame he couldn't just send the 'no spark' text. Next!

[louby44]

justatoe I'm 5' 10" and I can't date anyone shorter (or the same height) as me!

I just can't do it!

[Justatoe]

before & louby ...my exH was shorter than me & it did mean I could never wear heels, and I do love my heels!

[BeforeAndAfter]

I was 1/2 inch shorter than my ex so I towered over him in heels. I didn't care and nor did he. I just channelled my inner Elle Macpherson

[BeforeAndAfter]

Jarlin it worked for me really well in the immediate aftermath of XH. I was emotionally dead though. I then learnt a few non-attachment techniques from an FWB guru! It was totally his lifestyle choice. I saw him for over a year in between dating and attempting a relationship. I just found that as I healed his rudeness irked me more and more until one day he texted me and I just replied "please delete my number". That's all I sent for a couple of days as a reply and I've not heard from him for well over a year.

[jesy]

He texted saying he feel crap and hung over a few intermittent texts but just said off out now text in a bit
I'm only going 2min down road lol

[jesy]

Deep down I think it's over or maybe he feeling crap after 14 hour drinking I don't know lol anyway we will see

[BeforeAndAfter]

I did wonder if I could ever love properly again after XH but, guess what? It's like riding a bloody bike :-) The big problem with the Scot is that he was so extraordinarily beautiful (I don't exaggerate - head turningly gorgeous), intelligent and articulate that I'm recovering from a broken heart (broken by me walking away) and the most incredible lust/intellectual enchantment. I've met women who were cheated on 20 years ago and they've never dated again but they're beautiful and funny and I just couldn't understand it but now I do and part of me really wonders if I'll ever want to be in the arms of anyone else. I don't feel angst or sadness about it but I do wonder if I'll ever get to the point again of looking at a bloke and going phwoar. Logic says I will, in time, so I wait and prattle on about it here.

[UrsulaBuffay]

I think there's a difference between a Friend With Benefits and a Fuck Buddy. Mine is a Fuck Buddy there is no friendship or contact there and although when we are together we do sort of kiss and hold hands a little he doesn't stay over it's very wham bam and I think that's why it has worked.

[BeforeAndAfter]

I agree Ursula I had one FWB and a couple of FBs. I've known FWB for years and we had our time, starting the day after I left XH! We dabbled for a few months then decided to stop to save the friendship. We shall love each other forever but we wanted to stay friends. We've often talked about ending up with our rocking chairs next to each other! The FBs were all too flawed or too young and I was never wanting a relationship especially with them.

[UrsulaBuffay]

Yeah I think people misuse the term FWB I think there should be a pre existing friendship and agreement and trust there but also that lines can blur easily because friendship can turn to feelings. A FB is just a series of one night stands. My other repeat offender though, I've grown attached to I think because he stays over and some stuff he's said led me on. The other one doesn't lead me on at all I know the boundaries and he's not my type apart from looks.