Dating Thread 80

[UrsulaBuffay]

As we were saying...

[BeforeAndAfter]

Lottie that sounds good. Have you been doing things differently in the profile/ initial messaging area to get a different result? I think you had some sex-focussed types before, didn't you?

[lottieandmia]

No my profile is the same. It just made me realise not everyone is interested only in how I look.

[lottieandmia]

Yes I did have some sex ones. One of them is still phoning me in the night and I can't block.

[knittedknickers]

Hi all
I am trying to figure something out about this guy I had a few dates with ages ago (OLD). It really amounted to nothing and I somehow managed to start having feelings for him after such few dates but I look back now and feel maybe he manipulated me or maybe he was a player (strongly denied this at the time but then he would, wouldn't he?) Basically he was very OTT from first chatting online, loads of compliments about the way I look etc. Kept asking for a date, when I agreed, was evasive about the day and time. During that date he said (and made it v obvious) that he was attracted to me and asked to see me, we arranged a second date a few days later. We got into jokey texts post-date but he then said that he thought I'd been distant so arranged to work on night that we were supposed to be meeting. I basically ignored him following that but he was very persistant, asked me to give him another chance and so I agreed to go out with him again...same thing happened - once I'd agreed he went quiet. I then thought 'fuck it, i'm not going to chase him' and so didn't make final arrangements and didn't meet. I stupidly sent him an email about a week later and we got back in touch. We then spent about 10days getting on fabulously, lots of text, met, had lovely time, etc. However, the original pattern continued a couple of times after this i.e. he would push and push for a date and then when I agreed, he kind of only replied to my texts, didn't initiate any himself etc. It came to a conclusion when I was meant to be going to dinner by where he lives and we had exchanged a few texts day before whereby I said he'd need to send me his address. He said he would and then the next day I heard nothing...I text him late that afternoon to say 'presume we're not on for tonight then' to which he basically replied that as he'd not heard from me he assumed I'd changed my mind!!!? I just left it then but I just can't get my head round it. If anyone else was telling me this I'd say he was clearly lining other women up and then when one came along that he fancied more he just lost interest in the original date (i.e. me!!) but it's just weird that he kept pushing for dates, saying it was a misunderstanding and that i was really erratic with texting, he didn't want to pester as didn't want to seem desperate etc. I know it all sounds like he clearly just wasn't interested but all I can say is he was very keen when I actually saw him and appeared to be very attracted to me (as I was to him). Sorry this is long. I know this is weird but I'm finding it hard to get over him and also to find other men attractive enough to date. Part of his appeal was his flirtyness. In the past I'm pretty sure I'd have laughed his 'type' out of the door and dismissed him as a player but I guess I may be vulnerable having come out of a rather messy marriage breakdown last year. Can anyone shed any light on this kind of behaviour - is it game-playing or could it be that he was insecure and just wanted me to show that I was really keen??

[BeforeAndAfter]

The phoning at night must be horrible Lottie . Is there nothing you can do? I assume you don't answer.

[BeforeAndAfter]

knitted do you think he was attached so backed off when the wife was back from shifts or something? I don't get that erratic crap at all. I don't think it was insecurity but if it was that's one hell of a head-fuck for you to fix. Why would you want to?

[knittedknickers]

I was just soooo attracted to him, Before!! I honestly don't think he was married/in a long-term relationship just because of how he explained about his past marriage and more recent relationship break-ups. He was v consistent in his 'story' and asked me to go to his home town a few times (but I didn't for various reasons) so I know it sounds like that would be an obvious explanation but I don't think he was. He certainly didn't come across as insecure but he seemed need to know that I was thinking of him. He also talked about sex a lot from very early on - maybe he was purely after sex (though going on about not just wanting sex as 'anyone can go out and have a ONS etc etc) and thought I wouldn't be up for it soon enough...

[BeforeAndAfter]

Did you have sex then? That attraction thing is a bugger... It's lead me astray too often Knitted

[knittedknickers]

No we didn't have sex, that's the ridiculous thing. Though I'm ashamed to say there was a lot of sexting (never done it before and I know it's considered a no-no on here after just one date but blimey it was ace). I kind of wish we had as I may have been able to pass him off as a let-down/pasty-chested/rubbish-in-bed type but no, the attraction was all about the anticipation I think.

[Justatoe]

Hugs to Jesy It is hard where you are now, but will get better.

I have a point of not having FWB any more. I think wanting them , for me, was a sign of my low self esteem as the expectations I set were so low : eg not heard from for a while...what did I expect, was only a FWB.

[jesy]

I hope I can still come on here

[BeforeAndAfter]

Maybe he backed out because he had ED problems? I'm clutching at straws here. Otherwise he just used the sexts as wank fodder as that's his thing.

I'm not especially anti-sexting after meeting and deciding you fancy someone. I'm anti-sexting before finding out if they've even got teeth! I also don't think you can go down the sexting route and then complain when they lose interest after shagging you a couple of times which seems to happen a lot.

[knittedknickers]

Ha ha, yes, at least I knew for sure that he had teeth... I felt incredibly turned on by him even when I just thought of him I got a kind of 'itch' (embarrassing to admit)...He wasn't especially 'gorgeous' - just a combination of confident/flirty/warm/engaging/handsome I suppose... yep, that sounds like quite enough. But very unfortunately I ended up feeling like a desperate, sad doormat for keeping going back for more.

[BeforeAndAfter]

i guess you could go back for more, take the lead, force the issue and scratch that itch... That way you'd know. Go in with your eyes open, make him your doormat and just take the angst (if there is any) on the chin. I'm quite bold in these circumstances. I'd probably text him and just ask: "well are we going to fuck or not? I'm getting bored waiting"

[knittedknickers]

I know, I've been banging on about him a few times to my friends lately and they've all suggested that very thing.. i.e. I'm the assertive one and it's clear that we will have sex. I 'm a bit scared that i'll like him too much though and then maybe start trying to boil his bunny. We did email each other a few times this week and after a few pleasant exchanges he told me he really wanted to fuck me and asked if he could!! I was a bit pissed off at first because I thought that that could indeed have been all he wanted all along and was pretending to want the dating stuff as well. Then I was a bit impressed with myself for still 'having it'...sad, I know.

[BeforeAndAfter]

Knitted I expect he quite likes you but has always primarily just wanted sex. Maybe he kept backing off because he doesn't want you to think this is Mills and Boon stuff and he was thinking you were looking for something more like that.

[jesy]

I didn't think I'd feel this upset I actually woke up crying .
Tried to be brave I said in last text dump anything I've left and the picture I drew him

Just feel empty now sad as it sounds he was my best friend

[lottieandmia]

Jesy

[jesy]

She dumped him he texted me this morning I sAid I'm sorry and I'll always be your friend .

[FolkGirl]

Before I read your FWB checklist and I could answer yes to all of those. Although I don't necessarily think that's a good thing. But I have realised that I'm definitely not ready for a relationship and might never be. I can't really cope when emotion is involved.

So I went to his house. It just didn't feel right. We didn't 'talk'. He tried to, I think. He asked me if everything I'd said to him last week about how I feel was, "bullshit". I just went silent - well that's hardly going to inspire anyone to make themselves vulnerable. In fact, we didn't really get beyond 'small talk' the whole time. He was nice enough (I don't even think he meant the 'bullshit' comment unkindly, really) but that's all. He still made me tea, checked I was ok, etc, but there wasn't anything else there. Not that I could feel anyway. I didn't feel any love.

We didn't have sex. He barely touched me - not even when I got to his house. Well, he put his arm round me when we watched a film, but it felt pretty cold, there was no 'affection' there. He said my hair looked nice. He turned his back on me in bed. He checked his phone a fair bit and kept it on him at all times. He never used to do that. He also took it to the bathroom this morning. He ran the tap full whole time. It wasn't being used (there was no interruption to the flow - I could tell when he used it), I think it was to drown out other noise. He isn't modest about, ahem, bathroom noises. And wasn't last night either so any 'distance' between us hasn't affected that. He had a text at 6am this morning. Of course, it's all circumstantial and could be completely innocent...

He didn't hold my hand, he kissed me once last night and once before I left this morning. There was no affection, no intimacy. He didn't tell me he loved me or it was nice to see me or he's missed me or anything. He kept looking at one particular other woman in the pub yesterday lunchtime. He's not done that before. And he wasn't discreet about looking at other women generally. Not leering, just noticing and 'appreciating'. But he wasn't in the slightest bit interested in me. He's 'normally' very affectionate and attentive and 'noticing' other women doesn't really bother me too much. But there was nothing. Oh and all the women who catch his eye are of the sort I'm not.

When I left, I kind of expected him to say that he didn't think it was working anymore and we should leave it. He didn't and asked if he could see me in 2 weeks as usual, if I wanted to. I cannot imagine what he got out of having me there yesterday. I felt uncomfortable. I wasn't relaxed. I didn't feel loved or cherished. I don't really know what I felt. He wasn't 'horrible' to me. I just felt like I was getting a glimpse into what his world looks like when I'm not there. And if he's met someone else, why keep it going? We hardly have lives that are intertwined, I can't imagine he'd 'miss' me. Neither of our lives would look very different without the other in it, in reality. Which, after 9 months, is a bit sad really.

The worst thing is, that a couple of months ago I was feeling like at least I knew that I was capable of loving and being loved. And now I'm just wondering if, instead, I've just got shit boundaries and I'm emotionally dead!

I'm not going to contact him. I'm going to leave it and see what happens. When, if at all, he gets in touch with me. I have no idea if he's really met someone else or if there has always been someone else and he's just not bothering to hide it as much now. Who knows. I can't believe he faked everything he's said and done over the past few months, but whatever was there before, isn't there now, on either side.

I think I'm just going to contact him at some point and tell him it isn't working for me. Because it isn't. It's been limping along for the past few weeks.

Jarlin I should have left it where it was that weekend. I just couldn't leave it without feeling like I'd tried.

girlie and jarlin - such a shame that neither of us are going to make that 1 year mark. Feel like a bit of a failure, to be honest.

[FolkGirl]

jesy so sorry to read of your heartache, too.

When you say "she dumped him" do you mean after he told you he'd met someone?

I don't think you can be 'dumped' by a FWB, the agreement just comes to an end. Please don't go back to being FWB with him though. You're worth more than that and will only be kicking this particular pain-can down the road to deal with another day, if you do.

[FolkGirl]

Just I wouldn't have a FB. I think that's cold and unfeeling. But a proper FWB can work well. I had one once who was a friend that pre-dated the sex and the friendship continued afterwards. We were just closer friends, whose friendship existed on a deeper level. There was a lot of respect there and no feelings were hurt when it ended.

We're not friends anymore, but we just drifted apart when our lives changed. It wasn't related to the FWB situation.

[BeforeAndAfter]

Folk that's just all so sad and weird all rolled up in one. The weird bit is that he makes such clear declarations of love and then you meet and it's like a scene from a jaded marriage where neither party really likes or wants to be with the other

I think you should just draw a line under it. Don't let it end like this with raggedy bits because they tend to straggle out and catch you unawares later. Just send the email when you're ready.

I genuinely think he loved you. I genuinely think he cares now in some strange way. Relationships run their course and it seems like this one has. It's always shit and sad and painful.

I've got to go out now but I didn't want to read and run. ((Hugs to you))

[BeforeAndAfter]

Jesy please be careful here. You're very vulnerable right now and I'm finding the twist of her dumping him by text a day after he admits there was 'something' all a bit odd.

[FolkGirl]

Just read my post back and wanted to clarify a couple of things:

1. I was also distant with him. I can't imagine I'd have inspired any great declarations of love or affection from anyone. But I was clearly picking up on something to feel like that.
   
   
2. I do have shit boundaries and I am emotionally dead.
   
   
3. He's passed a couple of comments recently that have made me Yesterday I pulled a stupid face at a lighter hearted moment. Not a particularly ugly face - I wasn't gurning or anything and he just said, "hmm, that's not very nice. You don't look very pretty when you do that". Maybe not, but it wasn't really the point. It was supposed to be lighthearted and fun.