Dating Thread 80

[UrsulaBuffay]

As we were saying...

[knittedknickers]

Ooh, thanks, Jarlin and Before - I'm going to look it up now, sounds interesting. Ha ha, love the idea of the 'jaded daters group'...what an appealing group we'd be!!

[BeforeAndAfter]

It would have the biggest membership base I fear!

[redundantandbitter]

I'd def be up for 'jaded daters'

This time last week I was on a date with a guy ( had a coffee date the day before ). Going well... We ended up in a late night curry house .. Amusing.. Fun.. Easy .. I stopped him home ...he says 'that was fun, let's do it again ' . I said ok.

Heard nothing since . Zip. Zilch. Not even a text . How bonkers is that ? I Expect he's thinking the same about me. Actually it's quite funny.

[SingleSock]

Hi everyone. Been catching up with the thread but it moves so fast. New thread already!

I feel really down today. Tinder is really starting to damage my confidence. Nearly every guy I've spoken to is pushing for casual sex and because I'm such a people pleaser and can't say no, I'm going along with the whole sex talk. Its not what I want to do anymore. So I'll log off but then I feel compelled to go back on. It's like when I'm talking to these other men, I'm not thinking about anything else, it's a distraction.

MrTall has still not messaged me. I don't think I'll ever hear from him again. I do feel upset about it. I feel rejected and confused as to what I did to put him off me . I still have a glimmer of hope that he will contact me when he's back but I know it's extremely unlikely at this point. It feels ridiculous to feel upset over something that never really was but I really liked him.

MrTall-1 was texting this morning and this evening. He's a little over keen and then there's the whole kissing thing. I guess that means I'm not that into him because I wouldn't have minded this from MrTall. I don't feel like I can make a proper decision on anything until my mental cut off date for MrTall contacting me has passed.

Sorry for the moan everyone. Just feeling really crap about this whole dating lark .

[BeforeAndAfter]

single I can't even begin to imagine feeling obligated to sext a bloke when I don't want to. You say it's because you're a people pleaser but it just strikes me as a form of self-harm. If you know the guy and fancy the pants off him then it's great fun but a stranger?

When I first did OD I sexted if I felt like it until I learned that there are few men that turn out to be how I imagined them. So I stopped and not sexting is now a rule.

Not sexting a stranger is an easy filter to apply to remove unsuitable knob-heads. Can't you set yourself a goal which is to message a guy and just chat? Chat about what you do, what makes you laugh, wine, beer, food, travel etc and if he tries to steer the chat to sex then just say that's not your style and then drag the conversation back to non-sex.

If he vanishes because you won't sext back you need to condition yourself to recognise that he has not rejected you but he has responded to your rejection of him.

If you don't feel able to do that then I honestly don't think you're ready to date, even RL dating. If you can't say no to a stranger then how do you say no to someone you're seeing further down the line when he's being an abusive git? Have you been through any counselling related to boundaries and your right to say no to anyone, let alone a stranger who owns a phone? I guess it's about self-esteem really. It's so difficult when reading posts because we just see a tiny snapshot of a person but what I see on here makes me very sad. I truly hope that's a wrong impression and I apologise if I've upset you.

[AndCatMakesThree]

Jaded daters ... can you add me to the list, please.

SingleSock, I'm so sorry you're feeling crap about all this dating stuff. I think you've had a hard time of it recently, with Mr Tall and not really knowing where you stand with him.

However, I also have to agree with what Before says. I suppose I'm a people pleaser in some ways (the most common compliment I get is that I'm 'nice') but I honestly can't imagine a situation where I'd feel obliged to sext a stranger. In fact if someone I'd never met started sexting me I'd see it as an immediate reason to stop messaging them.

Do you think you do it mainly as a distraction, or because you don't want to hurt their feelings? Do you think, as Before suggested, you could make it a goal just to message about other things and stop the messaging if they start sexting? I wonder if it's making you feel even worse about things when you're already feeling vulnerable about Mr Tall.

[AndCatMakesThree]

Meanwhile, can I have a moan of my own. I'm finding this weekend tough (perhaps partly because DS is away and I'm missing him).

I spoke to Walt on Friday evening and he apologised profusely for lying about his age. I understand his reasons to an extent, and there's nothing more he could do now to explain or apologise, but I don't feel quite the same about him as before. That said, we texted once or twice yesterday. I sent him a text at 7ish ... and nothing.

I don't normally obsess too much over texts but for some reason this has upset me. After lying about his age, which he knew had upset me, shouldn't he be trying to make amends by at least texting back within a few hours? Waiting for a text that doesn't come is just horrible. (I think/hope he'll probably text today, but that won't take away those hours of waiting yesterday evening and going to bed with a knot in my stomach).

I hate all this kind of stuff. It makes me want to send a text finishing things (not that they ever really started!) because I just don't want to go through all the potential hurt and anxiety.

It's a real dilemma. I love being in a good relationship, but it's very unlikely I'll meet someone in RL. So that only leaves OD, but that can be so hard and emotionally draining with no guarantee of ever being successful.

Sorry, that was long. Does anyone identify with any of it?

[BeforeAndAfter]

Andcat I identify with the lying thing. In my experience those white lies are flushed out in the first few messages or first phone call. It is one of my checklist questions to be fair - are you really 50 and are you actually divorced or just separated? I think those are the normal white lies. In my view if they're still being lied about after four dates then they're big fat lies and I'd red card him personally. Honesty is a huge thing for me thanks to XH and his talent for dishonesty. My recent ex (the 'perfect' Scot ) lied by omission. It's one of the reasons I left. He knew my views and was incapable of being wholly honest when asked a question about stuff that mattered to me. I particularly hate lying by omission as I think I've got the facts and make decisions on that basis only to find out I've got 3 out of 4 facts or that I've been allowed to think that a is a when it's actually b.

I don't really get the texting angst in the early stages. I understand the excitement of getting texts, I understand checking the phone excitedly to see if there's a text and I understand being a bit disappointed if there's no text but it wouldn't ruin my evening. I honestly don't understand text depression at this early stage. I totally understand text depression when in a relationship though. Sorry - not helpful really

[AndCatMakesThree]

Before, I specifically asked Walt in a message before we met if he was the age he said he was, and he gave an evasive answer. I think that's the worst thing about it - I gave him an easy way to admit he was 3 years older than he claimed, and he didn't take it. Honesty is massively important to me too. I always think that if both partners know all the facts, they can make a considered decision. But if things are being withheld or lied about, it's impossible to do that.

What you said about texting in the early stages is actually very helpful. It's really interesting to hear from people who feel differently to me - that's one of the reasons I post here. I think if someone doesn't text me back in the 'right' timeframe, I begin to think they're either not very interested or they're playing games - and in either of those cases, I wouldn't want to continue contact any longer.

[AndCatMakesThree]

Jarlin, how are you feeling today?

I feel at my age I should be well over texting angst. But it's so frustrating because there's nothing you can do. If you send follow-up texts it can look needy, so I don't want to do that. Which means the only option is to wait and see if they reply to you. And if you reply again, the whole scenario starts again...

I hate game playing and uncertainty. I don't like men who are a 'challenge' and the 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' thing does absolutely nothing for me either. I'm at my best and happiest when I feel secure about someone's feelings for me - and of course that's never the case during the early stages of dating!

[BeforeAndAfter]

Sorry to say this Andcat but I'd bin him but I'm very black and white on this stuff. An evasive answer when asked the question directly says a lot about his character. Either he's a fan of the evasive lying by omission style of response which means you'll never get a straight answer when it matters or he's worried you'd dump him which means he's lacking in a bit of backbone and I need a man with backbone otherwise he becomes doormat material within weeks and I get bored.

[BeforeAndAfter]

I'm not a big texter. A stream of drivel by text irks me, no matter who it's from. I like news, info, questions and I do like a good night/good morning beautiful text from my sweetheart . I can't stand the 'hi sweetie just checking your day's going well' text. The clingy needy one did that all.the.bloody.time.

I also like a response to a question. My pet hate is when I ask a question and they answer a day later. I also hate unconfirmed dates. Him: Let's do X. Me: great idea. How about Sunday? Him: Silence. Me: Block and delete. I call it textiquette - good text etiquette. Agree dates and reply to questions.

In the throes of love if I send three texts in a day I'd be stunned. I'm not normal!

[AndCatMakesThree]

Before, I agree with you to an extent. I don't like a stream of drivel either! And if someone (especially if I wasn't that keen on them) sent me texts all day long, it would definitely put me off them!

I suppose the problem is that everyone's different - some people love lots of texts, others prefer very few, and yet others are somewhere in the middle. And finding someone who sends the 'right' number of texts at the 'right' time for you as well as all the other stuff must be nigh on impossible!

I did ask Walt a question in my text yesterday, which is one of the reasons I'm a little annoyed that he didn't reply.

I'm so glad this thread is here! I felt all angsty last night and this morning, and am already feeling much better after off-loading here.

[BeforeAndAfter]

If Walt was at home watching Tumble last night and did not reply I'd be annoyed but not angsty. If he was enjoying a night on the tiles then I'd be fine with a reply today. I have a modicum of reasonableness .

[lottieandmia]

If someone sexts me, I block them! There is no way you should do anything you don't want to.

[AndCatMakesThree]

I agree - if he was out with his friends, I certainly wouldn't expect/want him to be on his phone texting me. I'm going out with a friend tonight and certainly won't be ignoring her and texting Walt (or anyone else) while I'm with her. But I'm pretty certain he was at home...

But the good news is that it appears I'm being reasonable after all!

[BeforeAndAfter]

We need a red card icon. Maybe we could use the tardis icon to send unsuitables to the far side of fuck.

Hey, Walt, enjoy the trip

[jesy]

I agree with the non texting thing it is annoying but if they out with mate or engrossed in tv or busy fine.
But trying not throw a damper on it but I saw some one briefly in Jan and he confessed that he was an alcoholic and that why didn't text me after 8pm as he was drunk that set alarms off.
I ended it two weeks later and his obviously drunk reaction made me think lucky escape.

[jesy]

But I'm now sat here in tears as not heard back off him

[lottieandmia]

I think that we all have to remember that how other people treat us is a reflection of them and not of us.

[BeforeAndAfter]

It is Lottie and I believe that little signs of shitty behaviour at the start are a sign of what's to come in bigger more hurtful doses.

I have no desire to try and change a 50ish year old man so I bin and move on and then try and adjust my search criteria to weed out as many incompatibles as possible. I do risk missing out on someone by being so selective but I don't have the time or inclination to date myriads of unsuitables 'just in case'.

I've done OK thus far though and every man I've dated wants to see me again so when I'm ready to plunge in again I'll be even more selective because now I know that I do want a relationship, an exclusive one, I want a family unit so he needs to have nearly/grown up kids and have a relationship with them and I do want to end up living with/marrying that special someone. The Scot showed me that plus my time with him highlighted even more stuff that I want to avoid. Good job I'm always up for a challenge...

[FolkGirl]

Just checking into the new thread.

Is it though, lottie? Really? Always? Is it really never the case that if someone is a more worthwhile person then people will treat them better? Or want to be around them more? Or contact them more? Or worry about losing them more?

I mean, there are obviously people who are just complete dicks and treat everyone badly, but they don't account for all of them, surely?

[AndCatMakesThree]

lottie I read what you wrote about how other people treat us while I was on the bus, and I was pondering on it so much that I nearly missed my stop.

I usually assume that how someone treats me reflects how they feel about me, so it's really interesting that you think it's a reflection of them. After thinking about it for a while, I think there's a lot of truth in what you say, but it's not the full truth. For example, if I met two men at around the same time while I was OD, I'd spend more time texting the one I liked more, and I'd be more keen about arranging future dates with him, etc. If that makes sense!

Jesy, try not to cry. Have you got anything planned for today?