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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shocked at H's outburst

999 replies

Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 06:07

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

OP posts:

mamalino · 23/08/2014 10:17

I'm with you LEM. What the fuck?!

sonjadog · 23/08/2014 10:17

I think he is playing on the fact that you won't leave him so he doesn't have to do anything to deal with his behaviour. It is a great shame that he won't consider counselling.

You can't control what he does, but you can control what you do. If I were you, I'd go back to my GP and ask what help is available for making yourself the strongest, most balanced, content version of yourself possible and I'd focus on that for the next while. So whatever happens in your marriage you are in a strong position to tackle it.

The changes in you make also lead to changes in your relationship with your husband. Maybe he'll start treating you differently or maybe he see the need for him to change to? Or maybe it will give you the strength to say that this relationship is not good enough for me and walk away.

Original poster

Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 10:20

LovesPeace, genuinely the argument was because I was annoyed we'd left dd's shoes. Nothing more nothing less. I vocalise my emotions well. I tell h what makes me happy/sad etc, and to his credit he listens. But, he never reciprocates. Until he threatened divorce 3 years ago, I genuinely didn't realise he has a problem with how I talk to him. I do nag about him being quieter, putting a bib on the teething toddler etc but nothing major. However you've made me realise I'm really wearing him down.

OP posts:

capant · 23/08/2014 10:22

sonjadog - One of the things most people eventually learn is that you can't change someone else's behavior. Only they can change their behavior. And the first step to changing your behavior is recognising that what you are doing is wrong.

The OP's DP doesn't think he has done anything wrong. Why would he change his behavior?

Original poster

Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 10:22

cap, lem, thank you. I will take some time to think..

OP posts:

Annarose2014 · 23/08/2014 10:23

This thread is really sad - the OP is now gone off thinking its all her fault.

lildupin · 23/08/2014 10:25

However you've made me realise I'm really wearing him down

You're asking him to play an equal role in raising your children and not just be a lazy, can't-be-bothered, slapdash, fuck-it-that'll-do cunt. If that's wearing him down then fuck him, he deserves to be worn down.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 23/08/2014 10:25

There are some posters here who are unable to see past their own agendas and LTB is the only thing they 'know'. It's sad. Whatever their personal reasons are for it.

ONCE in all the years they have been together he has said something totally unacceptable. ,

But typically HE is the bastard, HE is abusive, HE is the one in the wrong. All his fault.

It couldn't possibly be that He Has Had ENOUGH of being treat the way he is being treat.

It couldn't possibly be a one off explosion of frustration.

No, of course not, it has to be HIS fault.

HillyandHally · 23/08/2014 10:26

Next steps. Tell him to get out of the house until he is prepared to apologise and address his behaviour and then you will decide if you can forgive him·

If he refuses tell him that the only possible way you can save your marriage is by him going and giving you space. Call his bluff.

If he still refuses that will tell you a lot. Can you go away for a few days with dc?

On a separate note see gp if you're not happy yourself. Also do consider going back to work you may find it makes you feel better you will have financial independence. V important esp in your situation. Good luck x

mamalino · 23/08/2014 10:26

OP, you do realise that what he said is unacceptable and cannot be excused don't you? YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS

WildBillfemale · 23/08/2014 10:27

I do nag about him being quieter, putting a bib on the teething toddler etc but nothing major

...you just don't get it OP....

HeySoulSister · 23/08/2014 10:28

Maybe some of us are looking deeper into it than you are LEM

Doesn't mean some posters are wrong just because YOU don't agree!!

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 23/08/2014 10:29

I agree with LEM completely. What the hell is going on?

Op's H threatened to punch her in the face if she didn't shut the fuck up.

Op had spent all morning packing, sorting, put it all in the car alone. H had the one job of getting the dcs in the car, and because op didn't specify "with shoes on" he didn't bring them. Yes anyone can do it. But it would warrant a, "why didn't you bring her shoes?!"

If I was happy and cheerful I would probably mock dh for it and laugh at him and we'd laugh together. If I was exhausted from looking after both dcs whilst packing for everyone, I would have less of a sense of humour about it.

The fact he is not sorry that he has terrified his dw and dcs, makes this even worse.

I'm wondering why you need a mother's help. Not because it's not ok, but because it makes me question how little your dh does to support you.

You are NOT to blame for his outburst. You are NOT to blame for feeling scared. It is NOT your job to appease him.

I am so sorry this has happened. If H was at the end of his tether it would have been ok to snap that he would talk about it later and then discuss it like adults. He could explain how he felt, you could explain how you felt.

Out of interest, on this "holiday" would he have been responsible for 50/50 of all the children's needs (food, nappy changes, picking up after them) or would that all be you?

DemelzaandRoss · 23/08/2014 10:30

I think that this is just the beginning. Will prob get worse from now on. Once this treatment begins, it doesn't go away. Maybe discuss with a family member or Gp or try counselling, but do beware.

mamalino · 23/08/2014 10:30

To the posters excusing him on the grounds of her behaviour, would your replies be the same if he HAD "punched her face in"?

WildBillfemale · 23/08/2014 10:30

*There are some posters here who are unable to see past their own agendas and LTB is the only thing they 'know'. It's sad. Whatever their personal reasons are for it.

ONCE in all the years they have been together he has said something totally unacceptable. ,

But typically HE is the bastard, HE is abusive, HE is the one in the wrong. All his fault.

It couldn't possibly be that He Has Had ENOUGH of being treat the way he is being treat.

It couldn't possibly be a one off explosion of frustration.

No, of course not, it has to be HIS fault.*

Excellent post! there are people here determined to label this as worthy of starting divorce proceedings.

It was a huge admittedly unpleasant row which has highlighted issues that need tackling on both sides. Nothing more, Nothing less.

Jengnr · 23/08/2014 10:31

It could be a one off explosion, yes. But a decent human being would apologise and not act like a sulky fucking bellend.

OP. It is categorically NOT your fault that your husband was incapable of remembering ONE THING for your child. One pretty important thing, not something that a walking child can do without.

It is not your fault he acted like a twat when pulled up on it and it is not your fault he is behaving like one now.

Stop taking responsibility for his hideous behaviour. Tell him if he wants to sort this thing out it requires a conversation. One which begins with an apology. If he doesn't tell him to sling his hook.

OhMyArsingGodInABox · 23/08/2014 10:31

If he had punched her in the face then I'd be advising her to leave immediately.

But he didn't.

WildBillfemale · 23/08/2014 10:32

To the posters excusing him on the grounds of her behaviour, would your replies be the same if he HAD "punched her face in"?

oh FFS people are giving advice on the facts not the what ifs

FannyFifer · 23/08/2014 10:34

Fucking hell, this is not your fault OP,he threatened to punch your face in.
No matter what you think you have done, threatening to do that is not acceptable in ANY circumstances.

If he does not apologise, beg forgiveness & go to some counselling or something then i don't see how a relationship can continue.

You do not deserve to be threatened with violence for any reason whatsoever.

LovesPeace · 23/08/2014 10:35

Always alone - yes, my mother was always happy to tell us all how SHE felt, what SHE wanted, about HER illnesses, etc. Because the rest of us were nice people, and listened, and supported. She got what she wanted/needed out of the relationships.
The rest of us never told her how we felt because she'd either make it all about her and a chance for her to play more melodrama in roles such as 'worried mother', or, when there was no audience she didn't actually listen or care. And later, she'd bring it up nastily 'no wonder that girl at school didn't like you' snideness.
So, the danger is that your husband is meeting your needs, but you are not meeting his. And I'm not suggesting you need to be a Stepford wife contrary to some posts here. But in a happy relationship, communication. goes both ways and feels 'safe'.

HillyandHally · 23/08/2014 10:35

Omg. Even if he was at the end if his tether it doesn't matter! I'm not saying ltb it's just concerning that op will think it's acceptable and her fault.

Right op in the interests of full disclosure my dp has said something similar (think it was "smash your face in" nice eh?). We are still together and trying to work through issues the difference is how we approached it. I went ballistic and never once thought it was my fault. He tried minimising because he knew how bad it was but no way was he was getting away with it. He is addressibg his issues and also taking responsibility for his responses and actions.

So it's not necessarily the end but if he gets away with thinking it's ok to speak to you that it will just get worse. Pm if you want to op x

capant · 23/08/2014 10:35

But he doesn't even accept he was in the wrong.

I am really shocked at how acceptable some posters seem to think this behavior is.

LuluJakey1 · 23/08/2014 10:35

I really don't think I could get past someone shouting STFU and that he would punch me in the face.

DH never swears at me in anger- although we both do it in fun but we don't use words related to females eg cunt or bitch 'cos we find them offensive. I just can't imagine him ever threatening me but if he did I could not get past it.

I think your DH should have been mortified this morning at his behaviour yesterday. That he isn't is worrying. Also, you saying he has hit a three year old across the back of her head a few times worries me.

On top of that he sounds unhappy and fed-up.

If you can't talk to each other and he does not see that how he has treated you and how he has behaved in front of his daughters is just wrong in every way, how can there be any positive way forward?

Yes you are not perfect, and may have contributed to the tension and started the row but none of that excuses what he did.

I don't know what to say other than I could not get past that.

OhMyArsingGodInABox · 23/08/2014 10:37

Back of her hand, not head...

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