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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shocked at H's outburst

999 replies

Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 06:07

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 23/08/2014 09:42

What support are you having now? Medical I mean, not the mother's help.
Are you still suffering with the PND?

There is NOTHING wrong with having the mother's help. I am all for making life easier.
And it's fine to feel you cope better with her there - who wouldn't? I'm currently having a lovely time staying with my sister sharing the childcare of our kids.
But there's a problem if you feel you actually wouldn't cope without her. That sounds like depression.

Are you still seeing your GP about it? Are you having counselling for you?

I think your marriage has serious issues, but perhaps you should concentrate on you first?

NOT because I think it's your fault he threatened to hit you. It isn't. That is never anyone's fault but the nasty shit who threatened it. But because it sounds like you need to feel stronger in yourself to put your foot down over this.

You've got another big change coming up when you go back to work. And it's a hunch, but I suspect you'll feel guilty over that too.

You need to be strong in yourself, and I think you're still suffering. That's not your fault. x

capant · 23/08/2014 09:43

Tibkleybison - I haven't said he is a bastard, I have said she needs to face up to what he did.

Mnay women when their male partner crosses a line like this one, are initially shocked, and then they start to minimise and make excuses for what he did.

Instead before you move on to thinking about what you want to do, you need to face up to the reality of what happened. Because without doing that, you can't make sensible decisions, whatever you decide.

The truth is that he threatened to punch you, and you thought he was going to. And he did this in front of your kids. And he is showing no remorse for his actions and is instead blaming you.

HillyandHally · 23/08/2014 09:50

Hi i rarely post but reading your thread and some of the replies has compelled me too!

What he said was disgusting and unacceptable. Even if he was stressed and pissed off with you. It's fine to argue and to get irritated or annoyed with your partner. Not fine to threaten you even if he didn't mean it (btw i suspect this will be his line ie "you're overreacting and you should know he didn't mean it" - do not buy that!).

If he feels you "nag" (hate that) or have problems in your relationship that's one thing to talk about separately. Do not allow him or anyone on here to make you feel you were to blame or deserved that reaction. You didn't. No one does.

He should be on his bloody knees right now begging your forgiveness and asking what he could do to put it right. If he really was a good man he'd be mortified and wanting to address his behaviour. He's not doing that which makes me think he thinks it's ok. It's not. In front of your kids too - good dads don't do that!

Don't excuse it. Don't blame yourself. Don't let him get away with it.

Original poster
Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 09:52

I'm not having for pnd anymore. I don't think I have any kind of depression but I can't be sure. I'm generally happy, adore the dds and love the bones of H. I agree that I should look at my own behaviour first though-can I get some sort of counselling through my GP?

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 23/08/2014 09:53

So the op's dh threatens to punch her. Then refuses to talk to her and tries to blame her for "nagging" and the op needs medical help? Now i know my mnet is playing up today but have i woken up in 1954??? The op doesn't need a doctor she needs a lawyer!

WildBillfemale · 23/08/2014 09:54

OP, You admit you nag over everything and anything but then go on to give a reason for it re the shoes ''I would have thought a 40 year old man...'' then nagging about noise (but the kids wake to a gnats fart) etc, you can't just rationalise it like this - you need to stop.

This constant belittling erodes a relationship, it's the drip drip water torture. Your husband is their father too, he needs to feel he can interact with his kids as an equal parent without being constantly ticked off. It's not you and the children and him tacked on as a spare part.
The issue with the argument is the deep anger and frustration your husband expressed - not the choice of words he used which as you say was totally out of character in all your years together.

Revealing that you say you don't like the person you've become re the nagging. Have a mantra to keep it in check, something like 'Will the world stop turning because of ........x y z etc'.

I could criticize your H for pages here but it won't achieve anything as he didn't post asking for advice, you did which is why a lot of advice is directed at your behaviour. You can only modify your own behaviour, you can't control that of someone else.

Original poster
Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 09:54

Some of your posts are so lovely they've actually made me cry. I'm not blaming myself that he said what he did. But I know that I played a part in it. I think the poster who said I should strengthen myself emotionally was right..

OP posts:
LovesPeace · 23/08/2014 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

capant · 23/08/2014 10:01

Alwaysalone - No you don't need to look at your own behavior first. You are accepting blame for his behavior.

Don't lose sight of the fact that he threatened to punch you and you thought he was going to. And he is showing no remorse for it.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Original poster
Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 10:02

LovesPeace, unfortunately I think you're right. I am that person. I want to change though, and don't know how to go about it..

OP posts:
capant · 23/08/2014 10:03

LovesPeace - Your comment is really really vile.

capant · 23/08/2014 10:04

Alwaysalone - Everyone has a choice about how they react to stress. Reasonable people do not go around threatening to punch their loved ones.

SweetErmengarde · 23/08/2014 10:04

OP, if a co-worker responded to criticism by shouting in your face and threatening violence, you would (hopefully) raise a grievance and get their ass fired.

It it was a stranger in the street, you would (again hopefully) call the police.

If it was a friend or family member, you would rally your loved ones around you for support and reduce or cut off contact with the bully.

Why is your husband getting a free pass? He is avoiding all accountability by refusing to speak or attend counselling and in the meantime you are tying yourself in knots blaming yourself and looking for medical help to teach you not to provoke him.

You are not to blame

gingercat2 · 23/08/2014 10:04

The bottom line here is that he threatened to punch you, and you felt that he could.

LEMmingaround · 23/08/2014 10:05

Some of the posts here are fucking terrifying actually. Would you say the same yo victims of domestic violence.

The mnet guide to not getting beaten:-

  1. Don't nag -he works hard and does not want to be bothered by your trivial demands.
  2. Make sure the house is tidy -he will be stressed by disorder. Remember he works hard all day.
  3. Respect his need to have his own interests in the evening -it is your job to ensure that the children are asleep and settled so that he can do this unhindered.
  4. Never question him
  5. Never point out issues. He works had and his poor little ego will be battered if you undermine him.
  6. Try to ensure that the children are presentable and well behaved at all times. He works hard and will not want to be stressed by unruly children.
  7. If he is stressed, look to your behaviour to find what may have caused this. If you can't figure it out then counselling will help you to modify your behaviour to ensure that harmony reigns.

FUCK THAT

OhMyArsingGodInABox · 23/08/2014 10:06

Has he ever displayed any other threatening behaviour? Stepping on your toes, play fighting, standing too close, pushing past you for eg? Or breaking things, hitting walls, chucking stuff around?

Because that would suggest this was genuinely a threat. Otherwise I would guess he just blew his stack and shouted out of frustration.

WildBillfemale · 23/08/2014 10:07

OP, if a co-worker responded to criticism by shouting in your face and threatening violence, you would (hopefully) raise a grievance and get their ass fired.

Actually no, if it was someone who I had known for 7 years and for whom this behaviour was totally out of character I would realise that there were underlying problems and try to get to the bottom of them.

LovesPeace · 23/08/2014 10:08

Always alone - I think such behaviour stems from fear (not of your husband). Fear of not being able to cope an almost ritualistic need for things (shoes) to be as you planned because you are so afraid of....what? Ceasing to keep the plates spinning? Upsetting someone? Being a bad Mum? Never being good enough? Losing your Mum? I don't know.
Perhaps you could see a therapist/counsellor and explore why the silly shoes, etc happens, with a view to being a happier person.
I didn't mean to be unkind, and you don't sound like a nasty person - but your behaviour needs some thought to make YOU happier (and then your kids and husband).
Take care. X

1sneezecakesmum · 23/08/2014 10:10

On a practical level could your mothers help look after both children for a long weekend so that you and DH could go away together? Go with the understanding that it is to sort some problems out. His lack of communication and repressing his feelings, and your attitude to him. It shouldn't be a sticking plaster weekend because that solves nothing.

capant · 23/08/2014 10:10

If a co worker did this, the last thing I would do is try and get to the bottom of this.

There is a big difference between getting angry and stressed and saying stuff you don't mean, and threatening to punch someone in a way that the other person thinks you are going to punch them. AND then showing NO remorse at all.

OhMyArsingGodInABox · 23/08/2014 10:11

Constant criticism and put downs are emotional abuse, by the way.

Nothing about this relationship sounds particularly healthy but I don't believe it's helpful to tell the op she is a victim of domestic violence based on one outburst, particularly when it was following blame and criticism for a mistake.

HillyandHally · 23/08/2014 10:11

No no no! If he has a problem with your behaviour he could, you know, talk to you about it like a reasonable grown up person. You may need to look at yourself but only for you if you are not happy with how you are not because of b his reaction.

I have a temper. I know it. I control it and take responsibility for it especially in front of my dc. Yes everyone can snap but there is something so vicious about what he said and the lack of remorse which is very worrying.

Lots of posts saying "it was unacceptable but...." you need to know it was unacceptable full stop.

Original poster
Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 10:11

He's never hit me. He's smacked dd on the back of the hand a few times, but very lightly, for hitting dd2 (ironic). He's generally lovely, but really internalises. I don't want to lose him, but JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. How can we fix this if he won't talk to me? I'm so worried that I'll lose him.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 23/08/2014 10:14

I can't read any more of this shit.

Silly shoes?

A weekend away just with dh? Make sure you wear your sexiest underwear.

Oh and lose weight. No wonder he treats you with contempt?

What is the matter with mnet this morning -are you all on glue?

capant · 23/08/2014 10:14

Alwaysalone, I think you need to take time out and stop worrying about what to do next - easier said than done I know.

I think you need to think about what happened and face up to that. Not minimise it, not excuse it, but just recognise what he actually did.