Shocked at H's outburst

[Alwaysalone]

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

To clarify for the hard of thinking - NO ONE thinks threatening to punch someone is a good plan. But this is an otherwise good man's second cry of despair in 7 years. I don't think that suddenly makes the OP angelic, and him demonic, do you?

You realise that violence doesn't start with a punch in the face? It starts with a pushing of boundaries, threats, poking in the chest, a shove...

If my dh threatened to punch me in the face, and let's not forget, op believes that had she not shut up he would have done it, then I would not be with him

It is an enormous boundary to cross.

Yesterday op's H controlled her behaviour through threats of violence. Yesterday H learned something works. Tomorrow does not look hopeful.

And to the apologists, what kind of example is this for the dcs? Let's not forget he abused them too. He frightened them and threatened their dm in front of them. The nearly 2 year old will only understand the fear, but the 3 year old will understand what happened.

No if it was a cry of despair and you are a decent person, you recognise what you did was wrong and apologise. Her DP does not think he did anything wrong.

What you have to go is say to him that he can sit down and talk to you this evening like a rational adult or he can pack his stuff and move out until he is able to. Him ignoring you is abuse IMO. If you had done something heinous then maybe some people on MN would say he is doing it to enable himself to cool down, I personally think there is no reason for a grown up to ignore someone, especially someone they love.

You have a responsibility to sort this out now, especially with 2 daughters as they will think this is an acceptable way to behave when they are unhappy or they will accept this behaviour from others.

Honestly this behavior is so so wrong. I think the OP will be in too much shock to figure out what to do at the moment. But minimising what happened does not help.

capant - I am really shocked at how acceptable some posters seem to think this behavior is

WHO has said it's acceptable?

Op, ignore everyone here if need be, because there are some very dodgy replies to what could be a dangerous situation for you.

Give women's aid a call. They're the experts. They'll tell you if you have something to worry about or not, and what you can do to help yourself.

If he's at the end of his tether then he should be seeking help. It's not your job to guess what his motivations are. But please protect yourself and your dcs.

Latte - Everyone who is blaming the OP for what her DP did to her.

Sheesh! OP Please realise that nothing, nothing excuses what he did.

The fact that, so soon after this has happened you've stopped being horrified at what he did and are turning yourself inside-out to find out how you've caused this, suggests that you didn't in fact cause this. It suggests that you look for reasons to excuse his behaviour.

If I'd packed every single thing for a holiday, and he screwed up the one thing he had to do, I'd certainly make a comment. It's a bit bloody stupid to expect your DC to go somewhere with no shoes on. For the pp saying they're 'silly shoes', try going to work without yours.

Mumsnet is great because it is supportive of the woman, I get that.

It's just that sometimes that's at the expense of both equality and objectivity. So the OP suddenly becomes Mother Teresa by virtue of her gender, and her husband is some evil controlling all powerful AntiChrist who is responsible for not only his behaviour but hers too (patriarchal, much?)

And now I await further internet bullying by those who disagree.
Ah, the irony.

FFS 'wearing him down!'

Really?

Apologising for EA, when does it become acceptable? When the kids start threatening their mother or when he crosses the line and actually punches her face in for not shutting the fuck up???

LovesPeace, erm no. Op is the person who has been threatened with violence. H is the person who has threatened and is now refusing to speak to op.

No angel, no devil, just analysis of behaviour as wrong on the H's part.

Goldfish - my apologies re silly shoes. I didn't realise the 1 or 3 yr old child was going to be working, and on her feet all day.

A sensible solution would have been to pop into a shoe shop an arrival at their destination, no bitching, no blaming.

Lildupin, I don't agree with that. Even the most fastidious parent makes the odd mistake. You make one mistake with some toddler shoes and you are a"fuck it, that'll do cunt'?

Having said that,
Op, what he said would have terrified me and I'm not sure I could get over it or would want to. I think it calls for serious measures so that he realises what a very grave situation he has created. Either he talks about it and the events that lead up to it or that's it really isn't it? If he can't even acknowledge what has happened then I'm not sure it's possible to move on.

You both sound extremely stressed and unhappy and that you have had many challenges to cope with. Please take care of yourself and be safe first and foremost.

But oh no, let's look at how op must have pushed him into it

Sorry op, I'm letting the gf derail your thread.

How are you doing? Any developments?

A sensible solution would have been to pop into a shoe shop an arrival at their destination, no bitching, no blaming

You know what would have been an even more sensible solution? Her husband making sure the kid had its fucking shoes on in the first place.
Why should OP be expected to do more work because her husband is a can't-be-arsed prick?

Sorry- misread OPs post. DH has hit 3 year old lightly on back of hand, not head.

Fuck you - if you only look at the few seconds in which the husband was a dick, yes. But there's 7 years or more of relationship here, where the OP admits to nagging, emotionally abusing her husband, wearing him down. He tried to speak to her, told her how he felt 3 years in. She ignored it.
She doesn't tell us anything else except that he's a good husband and father, and she's happy. I put it to you that both partners need to be happy.

You make one mistake with some toddler shoes and you are a"fuck it, that'll do cunt'?

It's not one mistake. It's constant. She's made that clear.

There is no excuse for what this H did. None.

He has no right to make his wife and children fearful. None.

This is a wake up call OP, you really are at huge risk, you have to get your children and yourself away from him.

I know that thought terrifies you, but there isn't any other option. You CANNOT make this work, can't change anything, can't influence a single thing about this.

Leaving him gives potentially the impetus to him to change. Sticking with it gives him the thumbs up to escalate his behaviour.

He is damaging you and your children with each passing second, I can't stress enough the need for you to get away from him, the sooner the better, so you can all start to heal and recover.

re the shoes, is it possible H carried D to the car and it was simply an oversight?
Surely a laughable oversight? not the end of the world, shoes could have been bought on the way......

Sorry but OP does sound a pain in the arse to live with, I would have snapped years ago

I think LovesPeace is questioning/exploring whether the OP has been emotionally abusive. My mother was - like LovesPeace's - someone who could/can just suck all the joy out of anything. It is impossible to do anything 'fun' around her - if you go out for a meal, she will constantly criticise what you order on health grounds/cleanliness grounds/etc, she will watch you and comment approximately every 30 seconds on things like "Is your sleeve going in your food?", if you spill something, she will clean it up and then tut at you, and then she will moan for the next week about the cost of the meal. It is emotionally abusive.

I think that some of you have (fortunately for you) just never been around someone like that and so you don't understand just how awful it is. It is most certainly emotional abuse. I don't know whether the OP is like that. It's possible that she is. It's also possible that she isn't but I don't think it's unreasonable to offer that perspective.

I suspect that neither if them forgot shoes on purpose. It's not because husband's a can't-be-arsed-prick, or is it that OP is a can-t-be-arsed-prick for not packing spare shoes?
Ridiculous.