Shocked at H's outburst

[Alwaysalone]

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

Yes the threat is designed to silence you. Shut you down. There will be more.

What made you choose AlwaysAlone as your username OP?

I don't blame you for wanting to go home.
We all get frazzled. OP if you're a SAHM to two preschoolers I bet you could write the book on getting frazzled. How many times have you threatened to punch someone's face in? It's not ok to make excuses for what he did.
If you had threatened to punch someone's face in, in front of their DC, what would you be doing right now? I bet it wouldn't be blaming the other person, flouncing out and refusing to talk.
If this outburst truly is out of character, I would expect him to be aghast at his own behaviour, and contrite beyond belief.

I couldn't get over the "I'll punch you in the face" comment.

If I were in your situation OP, if you wanted the relationship to continue, I'd insist on some kind of counselling.

There's no way you can just forget about this incident. It's too serious for that.

I suggest you phone Women's Aid for support. He threatened you with physical violence and you were scared that he was going to punch you. 0808 2000 247. He needs to leave.

What he said was inexcusable, no question about that. But you say this is completely uncharacteristic? Maybe there is something going on with him that is stressing him out or maybe he just feels at the end of his tether? You say he was considering divorce a few years ago, is he considering it again?

I would give him some space and try to find out what is going on with him. If you feel threatened by him again, then you need to split.

The "go figure" comment makes me think there is more to this than a random outburst.

I'd get in the car and drive myself and the children on holiday

Is it possible that he has been unhappy with how you treat him over the last few years and he does just internalise it rather than talk to you about how your actions make him feel and he exploded yesterday?

I think you've had lots of good advice about protecting yourself and your dc. However having been through a hideous few years with my dh since I told him I was leaving due to his stomewalling/emotional issues etc. (long story) he sought help and he has changed so much back to the person he was.

We have a long way to go in terms of learning how to be emotionally there for each other and discuss what we are unhappy with and resolve things etc. We aren't people that argued but we both had unhealthy emotional issues that we couldnt' work through witout outside help.

I remember many years ago after a rare row (I was being a viscious cow with my accusations) my husband grabbed me to get me to calm down etc. and really hurt me and he has sometimes said some horrid things that were out of order. It doesn't have to be over but your dynamics as a couple really need to change and very quickly if you want to stay together.

Depressing how many posters are saying "it's not an excuse...BUT is he stressed, do you nag etc etc".

OP I am so sorry, you must feel so awful. I think though there is no excuse whatsoever for threatening violence and he should leave.

He told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'

It shows a lack of respect and a certain thuggery to say something so vicious.

I would feel the same as Bakeoffcakes.

He told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'
and how long before he makes good his offer?
Plan. Depart.

I am usually very vocal about leaving the bastard but there are a couple of things that give me pause with this.

If he is the type to internalise then blow then I would excuse one outburst, I really would. Is one weekend away the only break you both get?

I'm just trying to see the other side. If my partner had a tendency to blame me for everything, I can imagine telling him to fuck off in similar circumstances and then if he'd demanded I drive all the way home once we'd got there (wtf?) I would have just wanted to crawl into bed on my return.

In my world, forgetting toddler shoes is one of their stupid and easy to make mistakes that often happen. I would have laughed it off and picked up some cheap jellies when we got there.

I can't quite get over you cancelling the whole weekend away because he responded heavily to being blamed (what does this mean exactly? How did you say it) for making a genuine error.

I think you should both apologise.

I can only be honest and say due to my mental/emtional health issues (thanks parents!!) that I have said some vile things in the past, displayed angry behaviour etc. that was just awful. I am not like that now, I wanted to change, I committed to changing - I'm glad my dh didn't just leave, I wish he had put things on the line, he never did though.

Only the OP knows if she thinks her dh will and can work through his issues, perhaps having been so vile and out of order is the catalyst for him to realise that he needs to address them or he will lose what he has because it was unacceptable.

My dh knows if he starts to stonewall or make himself emotionally unavailable to me again it is over, I won't stay. He doesn't have to be perfect because I'm not, but he's not allowed to be emotionally abusive by being absent anymore. He's taken responsibility for it.

If you haven't had an emotionally abusive/hideous childhood environment I'm sorry but you just don't realise how difficult it is to learn to be completely different, I know for me some of the damage cannot be undone I just have to have coping mechanisms etc.

Thanks for replying, one and all. It's weird that all the posts apply to our relationship, in one way or another. H works very hard as a contractor so he's not entitled to time off (unless he takes it off unpaid). We have lots of financial obligations, and I know he finds it tough. I gave up a very high paid career to be a SAHM, and we've often argued about why I should be the one staying at home. Having children really changed our lives-as much as we love them, our dynamics changed. I really really struggled with my eldest. Our second DC wasn't planned, and to H's credit, he got me a full-time mother's help so I wouldn't struggle so much. I still do though. I guess I do feel always alone-I talk TO H about my feelings, but he doesn't really talk to me about his. I don't know if emotionally repressive is the right term but I guess it is.

It's like there's no moderation in his emotions. He'll be incredibly passive, and won't say anything (in the middle of an argument), and then suddenly he'll just come out with the most insanely hurtful comment. No warning that his temper's starting to rise, or that's he's getting upset. Does that make sense?

I agree, my parents modelled horrendous arguing behaviour, lots of overblown threats of violence but no actual violence. I've been known to let rip a few choice 'I will tip your fucking face off' type threats in the past. I've never been violent, ever.

Um, rip not tip.

Can you talk to him about what happens after these outbursts? Maybe not straight away but a day or two afterwards? I think the key to working through this is being able to communicate openly and honestly with each other.

It sounds like he is a very normal, kind and loving husband who doesn't want to snap at you so pushes it all down.

It has to go somewhere.

You need to have some counselling, fairly urgently, so you BOTH learn how to resolve conflict without arguing.

Blaming and shouting and sulking and exploding is completely unnecessary, but you have to relearn a lot of stuff to get there.

Yep what OhMyArsing I completely agree with you.

I would insist on you both getting the help you need to learn to communicate and deal with emotions properly and be supportive of one another.

If he won't then this sort of thing will carry on and it truly awful to live with for all of you.

*Hello and a big hug smile

If I were you, I would make two cups of coffee and take them up to DH. I would sit down and say, I'm sorry, yesterday was just awful, please can we talk about? And let him speak without any interruptions, just listen and hear what he has to say. Then you speak and ask him to listen without any interruptions either.*

I agree - this is the only way to get to the bottom of this. The behaviour of H was unacceptable however it sounds like someone who finally snapped - the straw that broke the camels back etc.

I think both of you need to do some navel gazing and make changes.

ohmy, I actually offered to take the train back with my youngest Dc, and told him he could stay with oldest dd if he wanted to. I know you're right. To be honest, I'm trying to rack my brains about HOW I phrased the shoe argument, but I did blame him. I know in retrospect I should let the little things go, but I felt so mad that a 40 year old man (who's only responsibility was taking the kids and buckling them up in the car) forgot shoes. Youngest dd is walking by the way! During the morning, I'd packed EVERYTHING for us all, including cot beds, buggies, food for journey etc, and put them in the boot-all h had to do was that. I think I do put him down (my mum says I do), and he snapped.

I just don't know how we come back from it. He's not talking to me. He told me once before he was so close to divorcing me that he was looking for solicitors-it was only the thought of eldest dd (youngest wasn't born yet) that stopped him.

I do love him. Is it me? Maybe I do nag too much. Do I need help?

You can afford full time staff, but not to take a full week off work? That's insane.

Do you want to go back to work? It's OK not to want to be at home with your kids - lots of women prefer still working, in case you're feeling guilty about that. Being at home with two kids is relentless and not for everyone.

Personally, I'd swap the mother's help for a nanny or nursery fees and go back to my career.

Oh and did I mention end my marriage? He threatened to punch your face in. In front of your children. Just no. You just taught your girls that it's OK for a man to say that to them.

You both need help, you both need to change.

He clearly does not like the way you speak to/treat him BUT he does not talk to you about it so that you have the opportunity to change.

Him not saying anything and then exploding is not acceptable, he needs to change that.

You need to modify they behaviour that is upsetting/hurting him - he needs to tell you what it is.

Why are you a SAHM if you want to be working and can afford the childcare? His choice or yours? There's nothing wrong with working because you want to, as well as for the money.