Shocked at H's outburst

[Alwaysalone]

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

Threatening you with divorce previously is ahold way to keep you in your place. Now you know you can't complain about anything because of the massive consequences.

Either - he thinks it's OK to keep you down like that.

Or - he means it.

Why be with a man that is either of those?

Call his bluff.

You cannot fix this if he won't talk to you. Even if it is WORTH fixing. You know - if he's under mega stress and you're awful ( you're not ). You can't fix it unless you fix it together. So no matter whose "fault" it is, you can't make this work unless he will talk to you.

You say you thought he was going to punch you.

My DP and I have said stuff to each other in a moment of anger or frustration that we didn't mean. But never for a minute have I been afraid that DP will hit or punch me.

This is not a minor thing. We all experience at times extreme frustration or stress. And most of us never threaten to punch someone in response, or make that person fear we are going to punch them.

This sounds really difficult. He is obviously internalising a lot of feelings and has not learned to express anger/frustration productively - not surprising given his parents. It strikes me that you say you do not argue much - this is not necessarily healthy as it means you have little experience of resolving conflict together. The other thing that jumps out is the huge pressure your H must be under. With respect, you needing a full time mothers help for two children indicates - as I think youve said - how severe your own problems were. So your H has all the financial pressure, plus at home a wife who is struggling terribly. It sounds incredibly stressful. Obviously this has nothing to do with this one incident, so I wonder if sitting with a counsellor to look at your whole situation might be helpful? I also wonder if it might be better for both of your mental health if you returned to work? I hope you dont think Im minimising his horrible comments, but I get the feeling they were the symptom not the cause?

And OP, there are always women on threads like this who are probably in bad relationships themselves, who try and excuse terrible behavior like this. Trust your instincts. You KNOW this was very wrong. You are still upset and angry because you know a line has been crossed. Trust what you are feeling and thinking.

Tinkleybison - Yes you are minimising what he did.

I'm in a very good relationship actually, one where we genuinely don't argue because we resolve conflict healthily. We have been together for seven years.

I've also been in more than one abusive relationship, my ex husband was an abuser in every way.

Please don't dismiss my advice in such an insulting manner.

We haven't been on holiday for two years. We only ever manage a weekend. My dp is self employed. No work. No pay. Its not that unusual that people don't go away on two week holidays twice a year. We are pretty stressed a lot of the time. If my dp of 22 years said that to me it would be a potential deal breaker.

All those posters suggesting he is stressed at work, or he is fed up of being nagged, or he internalises then blows his top etc etc, if you yourself feel stressed do you threaten to "punch in the faces" of your boss? Child's teacher? Your mum or dad?

Thought not. A wife is fair game though apparently. In front of the children too. Fucks sake. Lots of excusing and victim blaming here and it's depressing to read.

I think the key thing is getting him to talk to me. He won't go to a counsellor, I know. He thinks it's all mumbo jumbo.

Re working-I don't want to go back until dd is 2 (a few months time). I do feel guilty for needing the mothers help. I really struggle without her though. I feel guilty for struggling, and guilty for overburdening H. I understand that I am as much to blame as he is. He just hurt me so much by saying what he did though. I've never felt threatened by him, but I really did last night.

You both need help I think, his behaviour is completely unacceptable and he obviously has serious issues he needs to work out, however it sounds like you are a little intense and might being a bit naggy (which is understandable in some ways if he doesn't contribute domestically much, but there are better ways to phrase it)

Do you ever encourage him? Or are things you say more negative/ critical than positive.

I guess somewhere along the way we've lost each other a bit. We used to be so in love. But the past few years has changed all that. I put on a lot of weight with both pregnancies (still struggling), and feel he never compliments me anymore. In fairness I don't compliment him either. We just rub along ok, but the love is always there..

And then, last night. I can't think. He won't talk to me.

Wtaf are you more to blame than him?

He isn't talking to you? He should be fucking grovelling and finding a way to make up for his disgusting behaviour. How old are your children?

This is not your fault and nothing you did or could do would make it okay for him to threaten to punch you. Don't start blaming yourself for this.

It sounds like you both need counselling to move on from this. It sounds like there are some unhealthy patterns of communication in your relationship and that you also maybe both need individual help as well.

If he refuses to go or talk about it, what options do you have? I don't think it was would wise to try to sweep this under the carpet and pretend it didn't happen.

lem, I do nag. I do blame him for the smallest thing. I nag about him making noise when the kids are asleep (they wake to a gnat's fart).. I dunno, I just dislike who I've become and I think he is too...

3 and 1 lem

So he has told you that you put him down and your mum agrees, you then go on to rationalise everything by saying 'yes but I would have thought a 40 yeard old man'............you are hearing but not really listening. Have you made any changes to your behaviour on the putting him down/'nagging' comments.
I'm not excusing his behaviour but he has told you he started to look for solicitors on one occasion - he is unhappy, you are unhappy.
You have a full time mothers help so what do you get stressed about...

I think you both need outside help - if he won't go then you should.

There are so many posters here excusing his behavior. Totally depressing.

Does he threaten to punch his boss? I suspect not. He threatens to punch you and makes you afraid that he will, because he knows he can get away with it.

You need to just stop and think about what he actually did, before thinking of what happens next.

And ignore those criticising you for getting stressed when you have a mothers help. They are not in your shoes.

Well if he clutters around like an arse when the kids are in bed then id nag him too. If my dp says im nagging or "going on" he gets told not to give me reason to! If you didn't feel frustrated you wouldn't need to nag! So don't be blaming yourself.

Capant Im sorry if you think that - it wasnt my intention. I was trying to take a balanced view. Is it really helpful to the OP to tell her what a bastard her husband is? Not really when she is showing no signs of wanting to leave. I can tell you that if they do go in to counselling the counsellor will want them to look at all the issues not just how much of a dick he was ( and undeniably he was!) in one heated moment.

Ffs are people really taking against the op because she has some help? Really??? Wow

Nagging is such a fucking sexist word anyway mainly used by men to put women down.

wildbill I'm not rationalising what I did. I'm just explaining why I blamed him at the time-because that's what I felt at the time. As I explained above, I know I'm to blame as well. What he said really hurt though-I'm asking for help in how we can work through it..

He still isn't speaking to her. He is a man child and a spiteful bastard. My dp and i have had some rough times and some humdinger rows but never ever has one of us sulked like a child.