Shocked at H's outburst

[Alwaysalone]

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

'he often snaps saying very hurtful things to her.

suddenly he'll just come out with the most insanely hurtful comment.

This has all changed since the Opening post , where he was an exemplaray husband who had never said an unkind word in 7 years of marriage and she an intolerable nag and control freak (as confirmed by her own mother), to a poor 'ill-used lvictim' stance

it didn't change from the OP.

The mention of the hurtful comments was in one of the first posts.

The OP said it was the only time he threatened violence. That is not the same as being the first outburst.

Oh, and do actually read the posts and the thread. Carefully.

OP:
" It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before."

So sorry to read your update, OP. The thing that really stands out is that he didn't admit to himself or you that his comment was out of line and should have never been said.

Doesn't matter why he said it - everyone on this thread agrees he shouldn't have said it. I'm shocked he couldn't even muster a half-assed "I'm sorry but.." apology.

He really is pushing for a way out and thinks you won't let him go. Time to show him how wrong he is.

I actually wonder if he deliberately does things like giving their daughter cheese & onion crisps and not putting a bib on the baby as passive aggressive behaviour. He knows it annoys the OP and he wants control back.

He says he has told her many times. Has he told her out loud or just in his head?

I know PA is a phrase often bandied about here but stonewalling is classic PA behaviour. He has all this anger and frustration in his head but cannot express it out loud so takes it out on the OP in more subtle ways. In his mind his PA behaviour is perfectly rational.

I really don't think the OP has done anything wrong here at all. She is not a mind reader. If he didn't tell her then she had no way of knowing. I really don't think the OP is abusive either. I think she has been set up by his behaviour.

I really hope you are OK, OP. I suspect you will find that when you tell your mum she won't be as shocked as you may think.

If someone doesn't listen, and its important, you have to ' nag'!! Or do it yourself.

In the first Op, she said he once said I moan too much. Once. How we get from that to a woman driving a man to near violence with her abusive nagging I do not know!
And as for her mother, I don't know about anyone else, but I am rarely in the right in the eyes of my mother. She is highly critical of me. I have never threatened to smash her face in though.
Always alone, hope you are Ok.

People are making serious assumptions now and it isn't really helpful. Suggesting that DH deliberately feeds DD crisps is a huge assumption.

daisy where does it say that the husband works 12 hours a day? OP said he works 9 til 6. Like most people with ft jobs. She also pays for her own things, and the children's clothes out of her savings. The home help was because she had one and then another baby soon after.

Always im so sorry .I have been following your thread after work as your story could be mine.What happened last night with your DH is exactly what mine would say.Even when he crushed a dvd into my hand when the red mist and rage came into his face when i snapped one of his MANY porn films after i told him not to leave them lying around.
It is heartbreaking when the man you married turns out to have an aggressive side.Especially the first time you see it and his refusal to apologize makes it worse.
Mine told me i cant tell him what to do when im working but when he is reasonable he does the to do list (washing,cooking tea etc).
Only you know how to respond,ive stayed put almost 28yrs together as im sure i cant afford to rent on my part time wage.So sorry again.

Two words what is for tea mum. Tax credits. X

Oh, there I go again, trying to break up perfectly good marriages!

Daisy there are posts on here excusing his behaviour. I accept you might have missed them because it is such a busy thread but there have been posters saying 'they're glad he snapped', that the OP is the one who broke the marriage, that the OP should apologise. Those pov do not help anyone. They don't help the OP to appraise where she is and, crucially, even though they are being presented by posters saying that they are trying to put forward the DP's side, this denial of facing what actually happened means they aren't helping the DP to take responsibility either.

OneLittleToddle the OP's DP has said he won't attend counselling. He hasn't expressed remorse. I have said from the beginning that I think the OP should still access counselling for herself because if this is EA that has followed the standard pattern of slowly escalating criticism and isolation then this outburst is the tip of an iceberg that the OP hasn't even started to process yet.

I think it's also worth pointing out that sometimes there is no need for balance. Sometimes one party is just wrong. For me, that is the party threatening violence. I would have thought that was a pretty standard boundary but, from this thread, apparently not.

Always I hope you are ok this morning?

I'm hoping he's gone to work and you'll get a chance to talk to WA. They will be able to put your mind at rest and focus you on any next steps you wish to take. Telling someone in RL will help.

I really hope your mum is also supportive. Mine automatically assumes I'm in the wrong, but she has seen and understood and is now my staunchest ally.

Can you find a way to get him to leave so you have space to think?

I'm sure I read twelve hour days. Even if a standard day I'd be pretty galled to be told I couldn't be the SAHP of that's what I wanted as the other deserved it more only to then be told they needed me to hire them somebody as well!

It's hard with only one side and things have changed constantly. The OP initially said she nagged a lot and blamed him for every little thing which then changed to just one or two nags in three years.

Then there was "H works very hard as a contractor so he's not entitled to time off (unless he takes it off unpaid). We have lots of financial obligations, and I know he finds it tough. I gave up a very high paid career to be a SAHM, and we've often argued about why I should be the one staying at home" but later says she didn't know if he was unhappy at work and it was mutually agreed she would be the one that got to stay home.

There are more as have been pointed out.

He did something wrong and has told the OP he is very unhappy. Likewise the OP is very unhappy. Unless something drastically changes then the relationship would appear over. Somehow I don't think there will be a compromise when things are being looked over.

Knowing my DH was struggling working, the help would have long gone so the money could be better spent on time away, nights out with a paid sitter etc. The OP says she does it all anyway apart from the ironing and one of the children's lunches so it's a waste of money and the PND appears to have been before the help arrived anyway.

whatisfortea I'm so sorry your DH treats you like this. As a PP said, you don't need to stay because of finances. If you have a chat with a CAB, they can advise on any additional benefits you could receive. There's also an amazing thread on here from a woman who stayed for years then managed to leave. Perhaps it could help.
If you don't want to leave, you can still start a thread in relationships for support and to vent. Take care

From the OP's posts:

For ex, he keeps giving lactose intolerant dd2 cheese and onion crisps when he knows she's intolerent, and I nag him that he's putting her health at risk.. Or he'll take a poorly dd out with a bad cold in just at shirt and shorts.

and

Dd2's lactose intolerance is quite bad. She screams with wind, and gets red lines around her mouth. I actually once walked in to find him feeding her yoghurt! shock

At best he's thoughtlessly feeding his daughter food which he knows to be harmful. At worst he's feeding his daughter food which is harmful to her as a means of getting back at his wife. Either way, that doesn't sound like a good father, and being told that he's in the wrong for that wouldn't be nagging , it would be correctly parenting your child.

Daisy, if in your scenario the wife threatened to punch her husband in the face and told her that it was an ongoing threat, then I'd advise the husband to call the police DV unit for advice or speak to a solicitor, just as I think the OP in this case should.

Plenty of people have been keen to see his side as well as hers (I'm one of them)but at the end of the day I am shocked that people are defending his violent threat, followed by his total lack of remorse followed by a warning that he might make such a threat again.

Sassy etc, do you really expect this woman to apologise and stick with him in that situation? That is madness.

She has said over and over again that she is willing to talk and to make changes and indeed to apologise, he hasn't, not once.

Daisy, no matter how galled you feel, no matter how long your working hours are, no matter how strongly you feel that your wife doesn't need the home help because she ought to be over her PND, the way to deal with it is not by threatening to punch her in the face.

Maybe a fresh thread would be a good idea. One that offers support and doesn't excuse violent threats and stonewalling.

Make sure you are taking care of your basic needs et, sleep etc. It's so easy to let that go when you are under stress. Try to find out about the mortgage etc. If you have the courage matter of factly ask h to move out.

Inertia, of course it's not acceptable.

However the OP wants the nice easy stress free life that he appears to have no say in. He can't even go and play football fgs yet she's being portrayed as somebody who has done nothing wrong at all. He doesn't appear to get any say in anything but is expected to put up with seeing little of his children, being blamed for every little thing (OP says she does this) and getting no time off as there's no spare money after paying for the staff member that does very little.

When I first read the post I was thinking "well maybe it's a one off", "perhaps he's not talking to her because he realises he's been an idiot and doesn't know what to say", however having had their talk it's obvious he's been brooding on this for ages, hasn't had the guts to talk to her about it, and doesn't see what he's done wrong. With that information I don't think OP has any option other than to get out of it as soon as she can - I'd probably excuse my DH if he'd snapped at me, and then apologised and promised to sort himself out, but not if he'd said what OP's P said, no way.

Even if she nags (horrible word) him, it doesn't excuse threatening violence and the horrible stuff that he spouted at her later. None of us is perfect, we all do and say things we regret, but it's how we deal with what's happened and put it right that is important. Relationships are a case of balancing everyone's needs, but when one partner has no interest in doing so then there seems very little point in trying to keep at it. OP's P obviously doesn't want to so she's got no choice in my opinion.

I think some people here need to read the fucking thread, particularly the OP's posts properly.

She said "He works 9-6 except weekends". Hardly a lot. I'm sure he has time for breaks and lunch. The same as me and lots of people. Even with commuting, she says they put the children in bed together and in another that having the baby not sleep until 10pm (if HE puts it to nap later than her) ruins their dinner together.
As for not having paid time off, they can budget to have time off surely, from his annual income.

At some point she mentions he went to the gym, which suggests that he does have "me time" and is probably able to relax.

Then on the occasion of the great outburst, she had been packing it ALL that morning and he had had to get the DC ready (and managed to forget the shoes). If anyone could be overtired and stressed, it should be the OP.

Most of her first posts are about how she can make it better and taking most responsibility for what happened. His only response about his threat was to justify it with her behaviour, not even once a bloody apology for his part.

The first time he threatened with divorce (and after all it seems that it is ok for him to separate and he's not really someone who doesn't contemplate it) it was because he thought the OP was flirting with BIL. And that came out over the years. I bet it was just a way to stop the fight they were having then.
My exH used to threaten to leave occasionally, until the time I said it was ok for him to leave. He didn't. Because it was all about control.

Earlier on in the thread Op talks about a different hobby that her DH has that takes him away every other weekend or possibly one a month plus he visits the gym every other day. I don't think that sounds too terrible!