Shocked at H's outburst

[Alwaysalone]

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

Oh Always, that is devastating. I am so so so sorry

Yes, it is ultimately his loss. You are the better person. Your children will have a better life, really they will, than if you had done otherwise, and so will you.

Good luck over the next few days, and good luck with your mum. I hope you get some sleep xx

I've been lurking and need to say I'm so so sorry you're going through this. You are so strong - it might not feel like that now but you've been so strong through the last awful days. You deserve more than this. You need to show your daughters that this is not how a man treats a woman. You are the model for them of what a woman should accept from her husband. Stay strong.

Re your husband: Attack is the best form of defense. He probably even believes himself right now. That doesn't mean he's right.

You said earlier that the one person who should be good to you right now is not (meaning your H.) OP, the person who needs to be good to you right now is YOU. Go easy on yourself. Stop thinking that this is YOU doing this to your children. It isn't. It's your DH. You need to ease off on the self-blame because you'll use up all the energy you'll need for the very tough weeks ahead.

Sending you (((((hugs)))))

sassy, just to make it clear I refused to stay in a hotel room with him cos he threatened me. Not because I wanted to prove a point. If we just had an argument, of course I wouldn't have ruined the holiday. I don't see how I could have slept in the same bed as someone who shouted 'stfu or I'll punch your head in'..

Also if I'd made him so unhappy, if I was this miserable pathetic bitch that blighted his existence then he SHOULD'VE GROWN A PAIR OF BALLS and fucking told me so 3 years ago. And fucked the fuck off. Not to have ANOTHER child with me when I was on my knees with pnd... I'm not just blaming him btw, it was my fault too. But I refuse to accept that I'm solely responsible for the breakdown of this marriage.

Nonsense Sassy, what a ridiculous, ill-timed and unhelpful post. Perhaps you haven't read the thread? It is not clear that the OP has been hyper critical. Whatever she has said has been in the context of this uncommunicative and resentful man, and he has failed to respond to their problems appropriately.

If you can read what he has said and done and still think he is the reasonable one, then I fear for you, I really do. He hasn't said he is sorry for threatening her, but thinks they need to separate. He has said that days on he still thinks it is fine to make that threat, and he might do so again. If he makes his children cry with fear, too bad in his opinion because she deserved it.

OP isn't trying to stop him leaving, she has very rightly seen that he is damaging and she is the one who has had enough. I'm sorry you had to read that OP, you don't need it now and I wasn't sure whether to respond.

Well said Always! I'm glad to read you have seen through his shit and you're getting angry.

No I'm sorry for sounding so bitter and twisted. I'm just SO angry. It's like I've been living with a person who I just don't know. I'd connect and communicate better with a stranger..

It was our anniversary a few weeks ago, and we had such an amazing night. He got me a beautiful gift, and we went for dinner by ourselves. I can't believe that man is the same one who was so vicious tonight.. I asked whether he'd like a man talking to dds in the same way and he couldn't respond.

that is exactly what I am saying !.It is done both ways ! He probably has some kind of 'obligation complex' learned from his Father that goes 'no matter how awful you feel you have to stay married for the kids'.I assume this is what he went to discuss with father. I haven't imagined your own confession that you are hyper critical of almost every thing he does with the dc ? People can only go on with that kind of undermining for so long before one day even the most tolerant soul will snap. You couldn't stay at the hotel with him? You couldn't get another room that you stayed in with one dd and he the other ? yet you all went home where you stayed under the same roof Is your reluctance to speak to your mother about this due perhaps to her already warning you that your behaviour to your dh was not acceptable ? Yes you are right it takes to to make a marriage but only one to break it. I am afraid that your dh doesn't give any impression of wanting to save anything, and tbh the type of behaviour you said you were exhibiting doesn't sound much fun to live with. He doesn't remind me at all of an ' abuser' just a man who has tried to make it work, works bloody hard, is hands on with the kids, finances a full time mh to assist you (so obviously not such a controlling abusive spouse that he can't appreciate you are struggling) and yet in your own word you can't stop with the criticism ! He hasn't spoken because he is hacked off, nothing to say and doesn't want to save something that quite frankly all sounds a bit one way .

Sassy are you reading the right thread?

temporaryusername sorry I believe it's you that needs to readnfeom the beginning. OP made it quite clear she had. criticized constantly since DD1.was born, to the degree that her own mother picked her up on it in recent months .

Sassy, I've tried various times up thread to state the point of view of being tolerant to the husband here in that he puts up with a lot.

On every occasion I've been shouted down. No one on this thread is interested in the OP saving her marriage or making any attempt to. They just want to demonize the husband.

I appalled you for trying to put across an alternate view and for what it's worth I agree with you.

Applaud, not appalled (autocorrect)

That is part of the cycle, the niceness then the nastiness. It keeps you hooked in as you keep hoping that this time the niceness will stay. It does your head in...

I still remain shocked at the effect being with that man has had on me. I was utterly unaware how much of my thinking was attuned to him, his needs, what he would think, what would set him off, how I would need to present things and the constant feeling of why is this so hard? Our children are lovely, our life is ok, why are you so dissatisfied? And then at the end my disbelief. How can you say this stuff? How can you lie like this? How can you possibly believe this? 18 months out and I shake if I have to be in the same room. I have such fear that I'll get sucked in again, despite all my learning. Nothing messes with your head in quite such a dreadful way. It would have been so much easier if he had hit me.

You won't stay twisted. You'll untwist from having to bend your whole life and that of your DD's around his beliefs, and you will breathe freely and live freely.

Still sending strength x

Oops! Auto correct !

He told her he wanted to smash her fucking face in.

He has ignored her for 3 days

He now wants HER to apologise for 'making him do it'

Fwiw, many people who end up in dysfunctional relationships have dysfunctional childhoods /parents.

The fact her mother undermines her doesn't add weight to 'his' argument at all.

Ftfo with your 'trying to put the other side' and try to help a woman that was actually threatened with extreme life-threatening violence and terrified in front of her very young children.

Stop trying to minimise the fears she had please? You've now seen how totally unrepentant he is.

Normal m'en who 'lose' it out of character don't stick to their guns when they've made these kinds of huge scary threats and terrorised the entire family.

Sassy you are not helping. Your posts cone across as spiteful.

He threatened to punch her in the face and said he would do it again.

actually in a row things get said in the heat of the moment. If he had said something on the lines of you know id never hurt you i was just angry etc. Then they could have moved on. But no. He chose to send her to coventry. That is controlling and abusive behaviour.

The op said she nags him. Maybe she does. Or maybe he has spent so long telling her she does that she believes him....people are very good at that. Stop nagging.stop going on. When they want to switch the other person off. That in itself is abusive.

OMG sassy and waffle!

He stonewalled for three days, during which his daughters had to live in that atmosphere with their mother a wreck upstairs, after witnessing their father threatening to punch her head in, and being terrified. He then tells her that he did nothing wrong, that it was her fault anyway, and that he'll do it again if he thinks he needs to. And you think the Op should be trying to save this marriage?? That we should all be helping her to stay??

Why???????

Blimey, Sassy, are you saying you think he didn't needed to be apologetic for his threat? A violent threat in front of his 2 small kids? And that to say he couldn't promise he wouldn't threaten her again was reasonable?

You really think after that "discussion" she ought to be apologising and trying to save her marriage?

I was all for giving the benefit of the doubt and seeing both sides but not now, not after his vile response to op tonight.

< wonders why some people are not prepared to accept that there is an valid opposing view to their own >

< is glad MN is not RL >

Always I'm so sorry at your DH's response this evening. Take strength from the fact that you have tried to fix this and you presented a way you could both work through it. This is not your fault.

He has thrown your marriage away and although it will be difficult to appreciate just now, at least his response leaves you in no doubt that he is threatening, abusive and disrespectful. Keep this thread to remind you of his frankly appalling attitude.

Take support from as many people and places as you can. You are absolutely doing the right thing but it will still be upsetting and unsettling.

Your DDs will be so proud of you. There is no better gift you can give them than a childhood free from threats, free from unhappy parents and free from a horrendous relationship template. Remember to take care of yourself too.

Because, Waffle, "valid opposing view" is abuser apologetics.

Those who say there are two sides to every story are saying that some of the blame lies with the abuse survivor. That plays into the abuser's hands, because he is often more than happy to accept some blame, as long as he can then divert all attention towards his partner's perceived crimes.

The abuse survivor will question herself and her part in it repeatedly, as you have seen Always do on this thread. The abuser will refuse to look at his own behaviour. As you have seen played out on this thread.

Always, I'm so sorry things worked out this way. Do talk to someone in RL ASAP. You shouldn't have to go through this alone.

You don't deserve to be treated the way you've just been treated. You should not listen to bitter, spiteful accusations (from him or from anyone else) and feel you are to blame. The bottom line is that even the naggiest, most self absorbed cow on the planet (and you should not think for a moment that you are these things!) does not deserve to be spoken to or treated as you have been. It's just not acceptable.

I think you'll be fine. But right now, things are difficult and I feel really sad for you.

I'm so sorry. I've skimmed the thread and your posts, and one of the things that jumps out at me is that he threatened violence against you in front of the children, and you were so frightened that he would carry out his threats that you didn't feel safe to be in the same room as him. He has since told you that this was your fault, and that he may make similar threats again if he feels justified.

This isn't how a marriage should be. It's also against the law - and the authorities often take a dim view of people who are violent, or make violent threats, in front of children . He isn't allowed to punch you in the face, nor threaten to do so, ever, no matter how much you nag.

He's now holding that threat over you to make you compliant. That's what abusers do.

The second point that leaps out is that he already hits your children. I know you are desperate to protect them, but I would fear for their safety if they had unsupervised contact with him- what if he decides that annoying toddler behaviour also merits a punch in the face? He doesn't put his children's needs first- he threatens their mother in front of them, and he ignores their medical issues.

I'm glad to see you are seeking advice from WA and your solicitor friend. because I'm worried that you can't see how he is turning this around to be your fault, and that when the violence does start you'll be too frightened to escape. Because he'll say that he's warned you, and you carried on doing whatever it was that upset it. Except with men like this, if it wasn't nagging it would be something else- he's tell you you deserved a punch in the face because he didn't want fish for tea, or the house wasn't clean enough.

Sassy and Waffle, I have had every hope OP's marriage was better than it seemed, and her husband too. I have no interest in demonising anyone. If her DH were actually a reasonable man, then no amount of advice from MNetters could lead to a couple 'misunderstanding' their own situation to the point of not talking and breaking up. So there is little risk to the OP getting advice. On the other hand if she were a victim of his behaviour then minimising it could be risky.

He has done a good enough job of demonising himself. If we had all said he sounded wonderful, all we could have told OP to do was try to talk him openly. She has done that, she has tried to resolve things. If the last few days are an example of his communication skills then I think anyone who lived with him would have developed a complex about trying to get him to listen, which could be interpreted by him as nagging. I don't know why you see OP's mother as an oracle, but since you do note that she has also said she may have to mention to the DH his tone and manner with the dc.

I hope you can desist, because it is patronising to imply that this thread can have any control over the state of the marriage, or that either party will throw a marriage away because of something said on MN. The OP has already said many times would have been willing to play her part in changing things, I don't know what more you think she could have done at this point. Please focus on - no apology for the shouted threats, watching tv while discussing your relationship. He couldn't say 'Look, I'm so sorry I shouted as I did and made the girls cry, but please can I explain why I got so frustrated...'. No, three days on he is still in that place of anger, and not prepared to discuss things beyond staring at the tv as if to show how important he thinks this is, or to say accept things on my terms. This is a man with very poor emotional and communication skills, I don't envy anyone trying to deal with him on any level.

It was our anniversary a few weeks ago, and we had such an amazing night. He got me a beautiful gift, and we went for dinner by ourselves. I can't believe that man is the same one who was so vicious tonight..

As said, it's part of the cycle.

It was Valentine's day shortly after my exH was violent with me the first time and he came up with a soppy card, flowers, chocolates. The works. Only for him to assault me again two weeks later.

Respect and consideration and less easy to fake and those should be the key.