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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

aibu to think this is disgusting?

176 replies

knowledgeispower · 20/08/2014 18:07

I recently started online dating and have met up with 2 guys. The first date went okay, there was no spark.

The second guy I met up with was a real sweetheart and we took to each other straight away. We arranged a second date and he stayed at mine. We dtd and it was wonderful. It was so good to feel wanted and desired again. He was really gentle, considerate and was a gent throughout. We had a condom split on the last time (4 tines in all) and I said of get the morning after pill and get the implant refitted. He admitted he's a worrier and I said well if it turned out I was to get pregnant I would always keep it as I couldn't abort for personal reasons. We carried on talking and he said something along the lines of: 'well I'd have to kick you in the cunt'....

I was totally shocked and told him so, he immediately backed down as he could see how disgusted I was. He said: 'do you really think I could do that to you'!

Apart from this comment he has been wonderful, he wants to see me again but I'm unsure!

Wwyd?

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 21/08/2014 13:48

Tbh, this is why I am so bemused why people sleep with stranger. Not out of any moral naiceness but I'd need to check out that he wasn't a tosser first before getting close.

See, if you are sleeping with a stranger, quite possibly the sleeping with is not necessarily about getting close. Yes, it often goes hand in hand but i have slept with people in my time that i have had no intention of getting close to.

AMessageToYouRudie · 21/08/2014 14:15

run for the hills mate!
how much of an insight would you like into what he can REALLY be like?
good luck finding someone who doesn't speak to you like that. EVER. Not even in jest.

ellengeorgia · 21/08/2014 15:29

can't imagine why he would say that but agree with brokenhearted as to why even start discussing a possible pregnancy after the first time? Not an excuse but maybe it freaked him out?

Abilly72 · 21/08/2014 17:36

Briefly...do not ever ever see him or contact him again.

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 21/08/2014 22:16

Thank you so much for all the replies. I haven't seen him since and have told him I had a serious problem with what he had said. I told him I needed space to think and he has respected my wishes.

Just to give you a bit of background, he's 30 and came out of an 10 year relationship 10 months ago. He has been single for that time. He is really close to both his mum and dad and siblings. He has two young daughters and has told me his partner also miscarried what would have been their first child. He is on good terms with his ex and he sees the child every week, having them to stay every other weekend.

I know this sounds strange but I honestly don't think he thought before he spoke. Obviously the condom had split, he looked really concerned and that's when I said I'd get the morning after pill (which I have) and then said 'if I ever got pregnant it wouldn't matter what you or anyone else said, I'd keep the baby' he said 'are you serious? You wouldn't even take my feelings into account'? I said 'nope' then he said a few other things and then bam that shellshocker.

I'm not trying to justify the idea behind what he said but I'm not offended by the word cunt and I replied if he did that I'd kick him in the balls. One thing I noticed is he is a very 'young' 30.

Anyway I haven't contacted him, I'm too busy with dd to give a monkies. I haven't heard from him as he said he'd give me my space.

OP posts:
Original poster
knowledgeispower · 21/08/2014 22:17

*sees the children not child every week

OP posts:
Oneeyedbloke · 22/08/2014 00:02

Just read your last post knowledgeispower, makes me think he is one pissed-off-with-women man. Maybe he's still full of resentment at his ex for the situation he's in (whoever's fault their breakup actually was), at his powerlessness. And then your statement of your position re keeping any unintentionally conceived child reinforced that powerlessness & he flung that insult at you as if you were the sole representative of the whole ball-breaking female sex.

It's still no good, though: he's not come to terms with what's happened in his life & he's ready, on a second date, to interrupt the kind behaviour with this sudden flame of resentful, violent intent, directed not at his ex, not even at women in general, but specifically at you. I think you'd be crazy to carry this on: he's much too angry. Please take care.

LoafersOrLouboutins · 22/08/2014 00:13

Don't see him again. What a twat.

DoItTooJulia · 22/08/2014 07:56

Glad you got the map.

Please don't minimise or justify what he said. It'll be the start of pattern for years to come.

Find a nice bloke, who has no violent tendencies.

Hakluyt · 22/08/2014 08:07

"I'm not trying to justify the idea behind what he said"

I'm afraid you are, OP. Please, please please don't ever see this man again.

KoalaDownUnder · 22/08/2014 08:39

Yeah, yuck.

Even if you're okay with the c-word and can give as good as you get, what he said was just...disrespectful. You know? For me, it wouldn't even be the violent undertones (because I don't think he meant it angrily), but the vulgarity and the fact that he can't even be bothered reining his sense of humour in to make a good impression on someone he's just met. It's really off.

Also, I have little patience for men who are 'very young for their age' when they have 2 kids. He should be mature for his age at that rate...if he's not, I wouldn't mind betting it's because his ex is picking up the slack in that area.

Cut him loose. He has no class.

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 22/08/2014 13:23

The he has 'no class' bit really rang true with me!!

I can't believe I was even considering seeing him again! My self esteem has taken a bashing!

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 22/08/2014 13:42
Flowers He reminds me of a bf I once had- never developed into ea, but a few inappropriate comments like that had me running for the hills with my spidery senses sparking. I'm no longer in touch but throughout the grapevine hear he's single, no dcs so I guess my hunch was correct. He was vv bright kind accomplished and handsome, btw, just rather broken and the inappropriate comments were the only inkling I ever had.
DemelzaandRoss · 22/08/2014 13:46

This is a no brainer. Please please finish this relationship now. See all the literature about emotional abuse. Don't become a victim.

Nevertriedapickledegg · 22/08/2014 16:55

I remember reading somewhere that a huge percentage of DV victims said they had recognised but then ignored these little warning signs they got at the start of their abusive relationship.
I am absolutely NOT victim blaming in any way, just pointing out that our willingness to give people the benefit of the doubt is sometimes very much misplaced. Listen to your doubts!!! Ditch him.

brokenhearted55a · 22/08/2014 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brokenhearted55a · 22/08/2014 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CeliaFate · 22/08/2014 17:15

If a man ever said that he'd kick me in the cunt, including my dh of nearly 20 years, you wouldn't see me for dust.

Bin him. You can do better.

Hakluyt · 22/08/2014 17:30

"I absolutely do not condone what he said. It is deplorable.

But..................."

No. Once you have said "but" you are condoning it.

saltnpepa · 22/08/2014 19:43

Oh gosh you're already making excuses for him. It really doesn't matter how otherwise nice or suitable he might seem, that bit is not up for question is it? The bit you have a problem with is what he said and he said it. End of. See him again and he knows already that he can verbally abuse you and get away with it, after 2 dates.

Itsfab · 22/08/2014 19:52

Your update just makes me think he is even more of a controlling bully. You didn't answer as he wanted so he upped the anti by saying something so vile it is unforgivable.

expatinscotland · 22/08/2014 19:53

Don't make excuses for him. No space needed. Bin.

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 25/08/2014 22:26

I'm feeling really low tonight. I was out last night for bank holiday weekend (dd at mums) and I ended up meeting up with him. We slept together and he called me a 'dirty bitch' whilst we were having sex! This morning he left really early. I haven't heard from him all day.

I feel so unclean and used. He is so heartless. I'm just glad I never got too involved. I did have really strong feelings for him. I think I'm going to take a break from dating now and concentrate on myself. Maybe it was too soon!

OP posts:
pasanda · 25/08/2014 22:53

Sounds like a blood good plan OP!!

After only such a small amount of time, you can't really be that into him to feel too bothered if you never see him again, surely?

Leave well alone!

Caramelle · 25/08/2014 23:33

Okay well at least as others have said, he's showing his true colors early on. Better now than to really get sucked into a relationship with him and find out later what an ass he is.

Sorry you're feeling down. Do your best to shake it off, we've all kissed a lot of of frogs.